Aw, yeah, people. We're back and it's week two. That means it's the day of the callbacks.
Previously on Popstars: Girls were nervous around the country. Lots of girls show lots of skin while ripping our ears to shreds. We're treated to the four-screen of fun, showing us clips we missed last week of girls pulling their legs over their heads, screaming to the gods, and crying. I wish we had seen those last week. Shiny Happy Kelley holds her hands. Hip-shaking, eye-twitching, finger-pointing fun is shown. One girl we never met cheers and punches both fists into the air. The voice-over tells us how the auditions went last week, and we see Margaux "Who? Oh, the Christian Singer, But the Other One" Yap singing "How Do I Live" again. Triple screens of girls singing. Garland "Fashion Whore" Gerber shows her boots. Girls dance and cheer. Karen "Think Pop Star" Perez cries because she got a callback. Tiffinni "Hatchet Face" Ranae cheers her green spandex right off my screen. Shaunda "The Diaphragm" Johnson hits the high notes and gets the standing ovation. The narrator reminds us of the nerves. We see poor JaunepiaMariah trying to sing beyond her eyeshadow, but just can't. The narrator reminds us of the disappointment. We see poor unemployed Angeline "My Mom's Gonna Kill Me" Murphy lower her head in disappointment and then cut to Erika "My Mom Is Killing Me" Occhipinti and scary StageMother telling us how shocked she is that her daughter isn't going to be the Ginger Spice. "When Day One was over, two hundred and thirty-nine girls were asked to return," the narrator tells us. So, this should be an easy half-hour, right? RIGHT? "In just five short weeks that number will be reduced to five." Then we see the concert footage again of the crowd going wild for the backs of five girls.
Tiny Star of Hope. "Tonight, the competition continues." We see girls walking into a room, by themselves, standing before the judges' table. Some we recognize, some we've never seen before. They're going to have to be interviewed and then (help us all) sing another song. Two hundred and fifty girls flip by the screen, all with their mouths wide open and their arms flapping around in emotion. The sound of the "crowd" gets louder as the narrator builds the "tension" and says that we're about to watch the callbacks. My cat has an epileptic fit right as the last girl in a pink halter top starts screeching, "Oh, my God!"
Reading Rainbow swipe. Cynthia Vallon, twenty-one, is wearing some sort of matching blue denim outfit. I think the jeans and the jean jacket boast white stars. I think. I can't tell. Oh, and white spiked sandles. With the thong. Mmm, that's good fashion. The judges are all chummy with her, but we've totally seen her scene already on the trailer from last week. Cynthia is a phone-sex operator. Oh, maybe it's tie-dyed, or acid-washed denim. Travis pretends he's calling her up, and Cynthia has to go into her Girl 6 routine for him. When Cynthia tells him she's just got her "t-shirt and some panties" on, Jaymes looks back at someone, clearly saying, "Where's my latte?" as the other two break into laughter and applause. Jaymes finally starts clapping, too.
Cynthia sings "Unbreak My Heart." She's good. Jaymes then says, "You have a very strong voice. Unfortunately, we're not going to be able to invite you back, as much as we'd like to. And we thank you for coming." This is because sweet Cynthia isn't a twig. Robbed! Robbed like the price per minute her company charges! Not that I'd know.
Outside, Cynthia tells us she didn't make it. She's smiling, but says she's a little discouraged. "I thought I'd make it." But she's clearly got a good head on her shoulders. "I'm gonna go home and eat something," she says.
Reading Rainbow swipe. We're back to Nikki "Shut Up! Karaoke DJ Is A Real Job, Y'all!" McKibbin, twenty-one, the single mom from Dallas with the tattoos and the bleach blonde hair. Today she's fashioning a ponytail on the top of her head. She sings "I'm Every Woman" as if it's "Amazing Grace." Jennifer brings up Nikki's son. Jaymes asks how Nikki would handle moving to L.A. if she got into the group. Nikki says that her baby's daddy is still in Dallas, and the kid's "great grandparents" would be around to raise him and she'd give them temporary custody. Dude. That's her baby's daddy's grandparents. Screw Jangela, this girl's the one worried about her trailer. She says it'd be hard to not be with her son, but it's better for his future if she gets this opportunity. They usher her to the silent star as we break for commercial...but not before the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun!