Mad, mad, crazy props to Jennifer Kelly for sending along a tape of the pilot when all of Los Angeles conspired to make sure I couldn't see it.
I am the Yin and the Yang of The WB. Gilmore Girls on Thursdays, and now Popstars on Fridays. I am the Estrogen queen. I can do anything.
My one regret here is that I can't stick in audio clips. This is my regret, not yours. You should get down on your knees immediately and thank the web for allowing you only to have to read about these wretched noises that are coming out of my television. I'm telling you about it now so you can add years to your life span. I know, I'm so nice, aren't I?
Uh, first of all, I'm in love with the logo for Popstars. I wish it was mine.
We open to several clips of the hidden final Popstars dancing before an excited girlie crowd. We're immediately "treated" to a voice-over: "To thousands of girls, this is their dream." We see incredibly made-up teens smiling and shrieking. Signs of "fame" flash on the screen. One happy girl holds a camera and waves. The sign for the "Roxy" flashes by. Another sign that just says "Sunset." A close-up on a girl getting blue eye shadow applied to her face. A zoom in on the sign for the Viper Room. Because, as we all know, the best places to go catch the latest boy or girl pop band are the Roxy and the Viper Room. Stick around after Boyzone this Thursday night at the Viper Room for the wet t-shirt contest. All slippery pre-teens get two-dollar Buttery Nipple shots. The Hollywood sign is superimposed over a distant shot of five girls dancing and singing onstage as the voice-over finishes: "And for five of them, this is their chance." We cut to an Asian girl saying, "I'm 'onna be a superstah!" We cut to another girl with tears running down her face saying, "I just want this so bad." You know these clips from the previews. We cut to another girl who looks exactly like Beyoncé from Destiny's Child. She's being "consoled" by someone as she looks up at the heavens and says, "I've been waiting for this all my life. All my life. All my life." We fade out on her mantra as I start to realize that recapping this pilot might, in fact, take all my life. Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun fill the screen until we get the title screen again as the voice-over tells us, "Girls everywhere dream of being pop stars."
Close-up on a girl applying makeup. She looks at us and says, "If I got it, I'd have somebody do this for me. Like Britney." Well, if you do hire Britney to do your makeup, girlie, you might want to have her draw on some eyebrows for you. You plucked all of them away and you look like that dude in The Wall.
Quick Fun Star flashes by. Shot of Destiny's Child. Our voice-over keeps on learnin' us: "They see bands like Destiny's Child..." Cut to a four-square shot of the Spice Girls. "...Spice Girls." Cut to a girl walking down a hotel lobby with her arms in the air. "...And they think, 'If I had a chance, I could do that.'" We see several shots of girls flirting with the camera. We cut to several shots of girls laughing, crying and praying as we hear one woman (she's easily in her thirties) say, "I wanna be a pop star because it's been a childhood dream of mine since I was a little girl." Man, you can't write shit like that, people. A childhood dream since she was a little girl. Cut to another girl bragging that she can "do this." A blonde cries. A woman looks embarrassed. The voice-over presses on. "Five of these girls will have the opportunity to prove it." One girl walks in a hallway by herself and makes the sign of the cross. Cut to another girl singing her ass off. Oh, by the way, we are one minute into the show. Belly-button count? Thirty-seven. Halter count? Sixteen. That's probably because lots of them are still standing outside in the cold. Cut to three grown-ups sitting down, looking stern and nodding. Singing girl finishes. Cut to a sad-ass Mariah Carey-wannabe mumbling around. Nice purple eye-shadow, Trash. She stops singing, smiles and says, "Aw, gah, I...I messed this up." Quick shots of girls attack my eyes as the voice-over continues, "As we take off on a nationwide search to create the all-girl supergroup." One girl sings "I Will Always Love You." Split screen to two girls singing, "I Will Always Love You." Split the screen again. And again. So many girls are all singing "I Will Always Love You." All of my eyebrows fall out and sprinkle my laptop keyboard. "Oozing personality!" one girl says. Split screen cut to a sassy girl singing about a rock. The other side of the split screen is rolling several other girls who are deep in thought. Are you getting lost? Thank God for the voice-over. "The group will be chosen from thousands of hopefuls." A giggle of girls shouts, "Superstah!" More shots of happy, giggly girlies. "For the thirteen weeks you'll witness their transformation to pop stardom." Girls dance, giggle, sing and pray. "As they work with music industry superstars like fourteen-time Grammy-award winner David Foster." Okay, while the voice-over is bragging about Mr. Foster, they superimpose Mr. Foster's most "impressive" work: a piece of paper that reads, "In recognition of your Nomination for Album of Original Score Written For A Motion Picture Or A TV Special St. Elmo's Fire." Whee! Cut to a shot of David giving someone off-camera a thumbs-up. They tell us that David's worked with Céline Dion, Madonna, and Whitney Houston. David gives us these words of wisdom: "If you wanna make your way in this world -- be great." Wow. It's like, he can say all of these smart things and like, still come up with a kick-ass soundtrack for St. Elmo's Fire? Why can't I find a man like that?
Quick title shot of Popstars again, this time with the web address of the WB. Several shots of girls waiting in line and superimposed ads for radio stations. Our narrator tells us how the auditions were announced on the radio and the web. We see some "newscaster" announce that the auditions are being held "right now!" like he's telling everyone to duck and cover. The auditions were held in New York, Dallas, Chicago, Miami, Atlanta, and Los Angeles. ["Uhhh...and Toronto. They were at this cinema downtown where we always go. I tried to make my sister try out, but she refused." -- Wing Chun] We see shots of all the different skylines of those cities so we don't get lost. Dissolve to a shot of the three "grown-ups" looking terrified. We are told that these are three well-known industry officials.
Quick happy star. Shot of the man standing in a rehearsal room. He's wearing camouflage pants and a muscle shirt. He is Travis Payne. He's a choreographer. He's worked with Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, Madonna, En Vogue, and Mandy Moore.
Quick happy star. Close-up on the first of our Hyphentwins: Jaymes Foster-Levy. She's the Executive VP of A&R, 143 Records. She works for David Foster. They prove this by showing a clip of her walking into the 143 Records building. I'd like to see some ID. 143 Records, according to the voice-over, "is part of the International music giant The Warner Music Group."
Quick happy star. Our second Hyphentwin: Jennifer Greig-Costin. She's a Manager for Direct Management. She looks a little like Salma Hayek. She manages the Counting Crows, k.d. lang and the B-52's. Apparently Jennifer hasn't been busy for the past seven years or so, huh? Direct Management will represent the new band created here.
"The Popstars experience starts tonight," the voice-over tells us. We see girls singing in groups. Split screens of girls standing, dancing, looking at each other. Girls, girls, girls. "Girls are called up in groups of five, each one with only a few seconds to impress the judges." Cut to a girl not impressing the judges. Split screen of the judges standing unimpressed while girls sing. "They wait nervously to hear if they'll be asked to return the day for an additional performance and a personal interview." Girls stand nervously, holding hands, covering their ears and sighing. We see one girl get told, "I'm sorry, we gotta move on." She shakes her head and holds her stomach.
Jaymes sits at a desk talking on a speakerphone. "We wanna know if you wanna come to L.A.," she says. Cut to a girl screaming while sitting on a couch. Cut back to Jaymes smiling at us. Girls jump in the air and make fools of themselves as the voice-over continues. "The best from each city will be flown to Los Angeles for an intense workshop week where the standards will be even tougher." Shots of girls dancing in a rehearsal hall. Cut to "Roger Love," a "vocal coach," who sits at a piano. He has one hand on the keys and another on some girl's tummy as he tells her how to breathe. Split screen of girls crying and looking pissed off. "Most of them will be sent home before the week is over, leaving the judges with ten incredibly talented finalists." Lots of shots of girls jumping in the air in celebration. Shiny perfect teeth and cute hair. Fifty-seven belly buttons.
Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun begin as the music hits a dramatic note. "Then, six weeks from tonight, you'll meet the five Popstars and follow them as they move into a house together, record their first CD, film their music video, choreograph their new songs, and create their own style and look." Hi, they totally just showed the five finalists. "Finally, just thirteen weeks from now, you'll be with them as they perform for the first time, in concert, before a live audience." It's hard to hear the voice-over now, as they've pulled up the sounds of alarms and girls shrieking in the audience. Slow-motion shot of the backs of the girls singing together with their arms around each other. "Tonight is just the beginning. Which five girls will be chosen?" Oh, man. You have to love this shit.
Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun. "It all starts in Atlanta." City shot of Atlanta for those of us geographically-impaired. We are told that Atlanta is home to "Corporate Musical Giants" like "Monica and TLC." Oooookay. Girls stand on the street and flirt with the camera.
We cut to a group of girls who are all in a band called Just For You. We are introduced to two of the four. One is named Baby. They instantly break into one of their songs, complete with Attitude Arms and Eyes of Intense Emotion. Oh, man. I can't just not tell you the lyrics of their song. Here goes: "Don't care./ Shouldn't have been a biddin'./ Don't give a damn./ Cuz now I gotta quit it./ Tired of you trickin.'/ Tired of me slippin'./ Go out./ Stay out./ Don't think about it./ I'm out!" And with that, I have nothing more to say. But luckily, the voice-over guy does: "Together they sound great." This is said with a perfect deadpan delivery that I'm sure he doesn't mean to do, but he does. "But today, they'll each have to go it alone. And if only one of them makes it?" Cut to the girls instantly saying that they'd support each other. Uh huh. "Don't give a damn / Cuz now I gotta kill you." "Nothin' but love here," the girl in the Rock Star t-shirt tells us. She holds up her hands so you can see that she isn't crossing any fingers. But we can't see her toes.
Cut to Rock Star and Baby in the audition. Okay, I'm going to say right here that the judges were fucking morons in this audition. They only allowed the girls to sing one of the following five songs:
- "What a Girl Wants" -- Christina Aguilera
- "I Will Always Love You" -- Whitney Houston
- "How Do I Live" -- Leann Rimes/Trisha Yearwood
People, if that doesn't make you suicidal, I don't know what will. And, uh, Enrique Iglasias? Even he can barely sing that song. Oh, man. Kill me soon. Oh, and I'm just gonna totally cat-out in this recap, okay? I'm sure all of these girls are really nice people and are just trying to follow their dreams, but I'm not going to be nice, here. I had to listen to all of this over and over again, and I'm more cranky than a Hyphentwin without her Coffee and Demerol cocktail. ["I would just like to add that I would sing 'What a Girl Wants.'" -- Wing Chun]
Back to the audition. The first girl announces she's singing Whitney. The judges stand about fifty feet back from the line of girls. Why don't they get to sit down? They're still wearing coats and stuff, like they just breezed in, too. The first girl is named Javardia Wynn. She's twenty-one, and she's a Student from Athens, GA. She begins singing Whitney and instantly her eyes go into some sort of seizure. They close and flutter and you can only see the whites of her eyes. I'm more than just a bit terrified. They also have to sing a cappella, so they have to create their own rhythm and time. This isn't easy when you're nervous, so this song is just going faster and slower, depending on the easier notes. Javardia has yet to open her eyes. She has some Expression Arms that open on "Dreamed of." Nice choreography.
Cut to one of the girls from Just For You. She's Baby Norman, twenty-six, an Entertainer from Atlanta. Baby goes on and on about how that's her real name. I guess drawing attention to the fact that her real name is Baby is her way of saying, "Pay no attention to the fact that my titties are crazy-fake and that I'm a stripper. Fake hair, too. Total wig. Fake lips. Real name." Baby is going to "entertain" us with "What A Girl Wants." Baby says this like she's the one that came up with singing this song, even though she's holding the lyrics in her hand. Baby's got the Left Arm of Attitude going and starts standing like Christina as she sings. Then Baby breaks out and takes a few steps forward with the Finger Pointing of Girl Power. She then stands still and does the Finger Punching of Note Hitting that Christina loves to do. The difference -- Christina usually hits the notes she's punching in the air. Baby gets so involved with pressing air buttons that she just throws in some random high note that's not in the song and totally fucks up her place and has to stop singing. She goes back to the piece of paper to try to figure out what else a girl needs besides singing lessons, dance lessons, and a fucking clue. "What a girl wants," she just flat-out says, and starts bopping her cute fuzzy head back and forth while laughing at how adorable she really is. The other girls laugh and clap because they know that's one less bitch they have to worry about. Baby flips her hair around and giggles and says it's not important that she knows the words. Then she floats away on a big gas bubble of dumb.
Rock Star is . Her name is Inda Lee Reid. She's twenty-four, and an Entertainer from Roswell, GA. She's going to entertain us with "How Do I Live." Travis the Choreographer gives her a flirty, "Hi." Inda busts out with the singing, the mouth warbling, the Closed Eyes of Conviction. She immediately flubs a note and gets nervous, so she starts giving it the growly treatment and stomps forward a few steps. The Hyphentwins take a couple of steps back, as do I. This girl is twenty-four like Joan Rivers is thirty-nine, by the way. Inda keeps screeching along until Jaymes's head just falls right off from the habitual nodding.
Adrienne Harvey, twenty-three, Artist, Kure Beach, NC. Busting out with the "I Try." She wore her best shiny silver shirt here, but she wore her meek face. She starts singing, and doesn't look at the lyrics in her hand. She starts walking forward immediately and starts singing to Travis like Marilyn wishing the President a happy birthday. She's jutting herself forward and lurching around like she's just as whacked-out as Macy gets for award shows. Jaymes has completely glassed over and isn't even looking in the direction of the girl. Travis has his hands in his pockets and this smile that says, "These poor girlies are barking up the wrong fucking tree, okaaaaaay?"
Nicole Harrison, eighteen, Lifeguard, Las Vegas, NV. They invented the word "nasally" for this gal. She's doing the Whitney. Dear Nicole: When auditioning in front of cameras, and like, the nation, please try not to wear a halter-top with yellow, orange, white and red stripes. At first I thought my television was dated. Then I realized it was just your sense of fashion. Love, Pamie. Nicole immediately busts into the song, flapping her left hand around to keep time. Her singing voice is much more confident than her speaking voice, but she's got to look down and close her eyes. She's sped it up and changed a few of the notes, and sliver-shirted Adrienne gives a side-glance that says, "Flirt with the black man. That'll get you in. I'm so in."
The voice-over cuts into Nicole and tells us that the judges only have a few seconds to decide on a girl. What are they looking for? Jennifer tells us, "Charisma and a work ethic." Dissolve split-screen to Travis, who tells us, "They have just a natural quality that shines through, and really draws your attention to them." Cut back to the Hyphentwins and Travis debating this first group of girls. They're talking about Baby. They say they really like her look and that her voice was okay on the chorus. They like her name and her face and they think she's got the right "look." Listen, I heard the girl sing. It sucked. I do not know what these judges are talking about. They tell the group of five that they're only taking Baby. They tell Baby that it's important that she "pulls through" tomorrow and that basically she was only good during the chorus. "Nothing but love" Inda is clearly hella pissed. Cut to Inda and Baby standing together outside the audition room. Baby pulls on her water bottle and nervously says she made it "for tomorrow." Inda says she didn't make it back, "but all [her] love is for [Baby]." Inda then starts laughing, because even she can hear how fake and retarded that sounds. Baby says that Inda will be strangling her later. Inda agrees. Inda fronts the camera and says she's gonna go get a record deal now. Then she's all, "I'm just playin'," but she's so not playin'. When you sleep, Baby. When you sleep. Inda says she loves Baby. "Very much," Baby says, and pulls Inda into a hug. Baby says they'll support each other no matter what. You can almost see the knife in Inda's left hand. Almost.
Cut to another round of five girls. Shaunda Johnson, twenty-two, Entertainer from East St. Louis, IL, is busting the shit out of some Whitney. What is with all of the strippers, by the way? Shaunda's got a chin piercing, and is wearing a leather tube top. She's got both Arms of Strenuous Assertion going. The narrator tells us that Shaunda's been singing her whole life. Shaunda hits the Whitney notes so well, that the girls in the back stand up and cheer before Shaunda's even done singing. The girl standing to her in a blue suit looks at the camera and realizes she has to clap because she's in the shot. Hyphentwins and Travis mug for the camera, telling us that they are impressed with Shaunda. Outside the audition room, Shaunda tells us that she got called back because she rocks the mother fucking house. "I blew 'em away. You know, I did what I do. Sang a couple chords and hit a few high notes. I think the high notes is what got me." She's got a Janet quality that I like. Lose the chin pierce, though.
The narrator tells us that Shaunda might make it look easy, but that the other girls know how hard it really is. Jaunepia ("wanna-pee-ah") Barfield, twenty-one, Dancer, Riverdale, GA. She's the Mariah Carey wannabe from earlier. "Dancer." Hee. Anyway, she stands there for a while, sighing, swallowing and looking nervous. She spits out a nervous, "I" and then stops and says she can't do this. Travis tells her that she can and she just needs to relax. JaunepiaMariah stammers and laughs that she really can't. Travis tells her she looks cute. She thanks him and the girls titter behind her. She stammers out an "I hope," and then stops and says, "Oh, God. This is awful." Jaymes asks if she wants to stop. "Can I go last or somethin'?" JaunepiaMariah asks. Travis tells her she done waited long enough already. Jennifer tells her to try one more time. JaunepiaMariah makes a few noises like a cow going into labor and then stops herself again. She says she messed up and walks away. We follow her walking away as the Sad Song of Ruined Dreams starts up.
The Sad Song of Ruined Dreams continues as Travis is telling girls that they did a great job and that it's hard to come out and put yourself out there for an audition like this. He says that it's a long, tedious process that builds up a lot of anxiety. Cut to several shots of girls looking horrified and embarrassed with themselves. One is sitting there, just holding herself. Travis thanks all of them for coming. "Especially you," he says to JaunepiaMariah. He says that these experiences prepare you for what to expect the time. They all applaud themselves.
Outside, JaunepiaMariah says she couldn't deal with everyone looking at her and that she was too nervous. We watch her walk away in slow motion. We follow her out the door and down the street. She keeps walking down the street and then turns around and looks at the camera like, "Dude. Leave my sad ass alone. I got cut, okay? Hundreds of girls got cut. Calm down." She does hold the end of her curly hair just like Mariah, though.
Jangela Shumskas, twenty-three, Regional Recruiter, Accokeek, MD. Bad name, age a lie, job a sham, city name made up. She's supposed to be moving right now, but stopped on her way with her U-Haul to audition. If she makes it she's got to find a way to stay in Atlanta for the night with all of her things in a truck. She gives us a sob story good enough for A Chorus Line and we cut to her audition. She's going to sing "How Do I Live," which will make me instantly not like her. As she sings the screen splits in three. She sings in the upper left corner, the judges watch in the lower left corner, and the right side of the screen is Jangela saying she doesn't know how she'll be able to go to the callback since she's supposed to be moving. Travis tells the Hypentwins that he doesn't think Jangela went, "Pow!" Jennifer agrees. But then she says she likes her energy and her personality. The narrator reminds us that if Jangela gets a callback, she'll have to find a place for her U-Haul. Man, it's not that big a tragedy. People have to park trailers overnight all the damn time. We have a split screen of Jangela singing and the U-Haul sitting in the parking lot as the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun pop in and take us finally to our first damn commercial.
I enjoy seeing what advertisers think this show targets. According to this commercial break, if you want to watch Popstars, you also want to see Antitrust, drink 7-UP, don't do drugs, live in the big city and wear Maybelline, and have orgasms in court due to shampoo products. But doesn't that describe all of us? Doesn't it?
We're back, reminded once again by the same song clip and same voice-over that Jangela is having to make a critical decision about her life over the twenty-four hours, if she makes the callback. She's supposed to move to Washington, DC today with her boyfriend. Cut to her boyfriend sitting in the waiting area, telling us that his girlfriend is so talented and special that the whole world should know it. I can't hear the judges talking over the din of the girls, but it looks like they are saying that they aren't exactly impressed with Jangela, but wouldn't mind seeing her again the day just to make sure. "Let's see what she can do," Travis says. They pan across the five girls. One is a very pretty Drew Barrymore type who we didn't get to hear sing at all. But they call her back, along with Jangela and some other blonde we didn't hear. Split screen of the girls hugging, and Jangela walking up to the camera in amazement. "I don't know what I'm gonna do!" she says. The split screen follows the girls congratulating each other as the other screen has Jangela filling out some forms. The narrator tells us that Jangela has decided "it's worth putting her life on hold for one more day." Jangela tells us she'll be back tomorrow, and cheers. Jangela says she'll see us tomorrow morning at ten, and reminds us once a-fucking-gain that she'll have the U-Haul truck with her.
We see clips of the past girls that made it as the narrator reminds us who they are. "Baby Norman, Shaunda Johnson, and forty other Atlanta girls move one step closer to being a part of the all-girl supergroup." Oh, man. Do you realize how many girls we didn't see?
Goodbye, Atlanta. Hello, Miami. Home of Ricky Martin and Enrique Iglesias, they tell us. Did you hear that? That was Puerto Rico going, "Uh, EXCUSE ME?" Rapid-fire shots of hundreds of girls standing outside waiting for their audition. The group of "Superstah!" girls smile at us again.
We are introduced to a pair of twenty-four-year old twins. Yamille and Isadelle Mercedes. They come from a family of eleven kids. They stand to each other on spots one and two (there are stars on the floor with numbers of each group of five auditioning). Thing One holds her number. Thing Two has the number upside-down. They remind us that they are twins. Thing Two is one minute older. She holds her hand up and says she holds all the authority. If these twins make it, Jackee is gonna take a pipe to their kneecaps, since she's personally responsible for making sure nobody knocks Tia and Tamera out of their cute-black-twin spotlight. After joking about how the elder one has decided, in her wisdom, to go second, Yamille the Younger goes first. She immediately goes into this choreographed warble of "Rhythm Divine." Oh, man, it's bad. She's grinding around and rubbing her neck and making my spine hurt. She touches her breasts and then opens her arms towards the judges. She rubs down her hair. The judges are stone-faced. Yamille gets very quiet on the hard notes, and then busts back in on the easy ones. Then she stops herself and starts laughing. Isadelle walks up, fixing her shoe. I'm so happy they didn't dress alike. She goes into this completely different version of "I Try." Yamille looks on dejectedly and jealously. Triple split screen on the twins and the girls standing in a line as the narrator tells us the judges are deciding on the twins. Jaymes says that one of the twins is too nasal. Travis kinda likes one of the twins. They ask Isadelle back. Outside the audition room, Yamille is proud of her sister. Isadelle fills out some forms.
Alexandra Bachelier, eighteen, Waitress, Miami. Lordy, this girl is pretty. She begins singing "How Do I Live," and my cat starts singing back to her in the other room. He really does, y'all. It's some funny shit. Alexandra has a tongue piercing. She tells us in a split screen (one is singing, the other talking) that she wants to be a Popstar because it's her childhood dream. "Ever since I was a little girl I grew up in a music environment. And I think that being able to sing good, is good to everyone else, and it heals your soul." Well, whatever. She's purty. She stammers at one point and picks back up, but has been singing for quite a while. "Thank you," Jaymes and I say at the same time. Alexandra stops singing and steps back, embarrassed. The judges huddle and says that she can sing pretty well and that she'd be beautiful on-screen. We pan back to the five girls. Travis makes a joke about how there are five of them, "Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies! Girls, girls, girls, girls, girls, girls!" This goes on for a little while. Alexandra has her fingers in her ears. Travis says they're only taking one of them, and it's Alexandra. The girls cheer as Alexandra drops her head into her hands. She dances a little and thanks the judges and turns back to cheer with the other girls. The girl to her hugs her. She's carried off by the other girls.
The narrator tells us that getting a spot in the band for some means more than just a chance at stardom. We watch a tiny girl dancing around on the waiting area. She's Kelley Blakemore, twenty-one. She has a job in data entry to help put her brother through college. We watch her pray for a few seconds, and then she busts into "How Do I Live." Again, instant hate for the girl and her scary Annie Lennox hair. She sings with the Flappy Jerky Arms of Musical Bliss. We split the screen to have her sing in the upper left corner as Kelley on the right tells us that her brother is the most important thing to her. This starts the waterworks, and she spends the rest of the time just standing there crying. Lord. She is shiny, and sings like she's got the Jesus in her. She's got nary an eyebrow. The judges huddle, and Travis says he likes Kelley. Jaymes says she might be good enough, but that they should check her out tomorrow. They ask Kelley back. Kelley is very happy, and I have to shield my eyes from the amount of shiny happy Kelley comin' out at me. She hugs all of the judges, scaring them and making them wish they'd picked anyone else. Kelley tells us that she can't even talk, she's so happy. She said she had fun and can't wait to come back tomorrow.
Rosanna Taverez, twenty-three, Grad Student, Miami, "What A Girl Wants." She's sassy and pouty and looks exactly like a Robert Palmer girl. We're told she's a dance major (someone demote her to Private) at Ohio State. She's also on the run from the Fashion Police with those nasty-ass green pants she's wearing. Mercifully, we're quickly told that she got a callback, without our having to watch any more.
Outside, girls are nervous. We stop at Tiffinni Ranae, twenty-three, Entertainer, Dania, FL. Oh, people. This girl is my favorite. She looks just like Hatchet Face in Cry-Baby and I just love the shit out of her. She says that she should be a Popstar because she's already a diva, and she's got the pipes for it. I think she might be wearing a tiara. Look at that name, people! I am not positive that she's really a woman, either. Twenty-three! She tells us from behind her green lycra prison that she's going to sing "I Will Always Love You." We pan back to see her boots (Make for Stalkin') and her blue mini-skirt. The green halter-top: sequined. The hair: two limp ponytails. The face: a-shiny. The narrator tells us that Tiffinni's voice and self-confidence have captured the judges' attention. "But Jaymes has some concerns." Of course she does. She whispers to the other two that Tiffinni's voice sounds "older." Oh, my ass, that's the reason. She's only saying this because she's on camera. She says that Tiffinni "goes against the grain" of girl groups. Travis asks if Jaymes is willing to say that to Tiffinni, and ask her to sound younger. "No," Jaymes snaps. "I've already lowered myself enough," we can hear her think. "You either got it, or you don't," Jaymes smiles. Cut to Tiffinni rolling her eyes, knowing that they're still debating about her. Split screen of the girls all in a row. Tiffinni is on the right-hand screen. Travis sasses, "Miss Tiffinni Ranae, you wanna come back tomorrow?" Tiffinni laughs and smiles. She pumps up to the crowd in excitement as the narrator reminds us that she'll have to come back tomorrow and prove herself worthy of stardom.
"For others, this is as far as they'll get." Cut to saucy Cherish-Angelica, twenty-three, Performer, Ft. Lauderdale, "What A Girl Wants." Her head is jerking more than a lost pigeon. Sadly, her fifteen seconds of fame seem to take up the rest of my day. I can't stop laughing at her voice, her dancing, her Betty Boop noises she just lets out.
Poor Anna Vizzi, nineteen, hairdresser, Ft. Lauderdale, "Rhythm Divine" (I... think?). She's wearing giant horizontal stripes in every color imaginable. I think right before she came over she gave herself a perm in her salon, because her hair is just drooping down all wet. She's stumbling along the lyrics and sorta rocking back and forth.
Kendra Morris, nineteen, Student, St. Petersburg, "Rhythm Divine," is part grasshopper. That's the only way I can explain the neon green stripe of eye shadow that crosses her face. She has the Palsied Hand of Enrique Enlightenment.
People, back the fuck up for Jaclyn Arrue, twenty-two, Client Services Aide, Miami, "What A Girl Wants." Brown snakeskin skin-tight dress. Black cowboy hat. Awkward. Jerking forward in a Christina-attempt. I hope she didn't blow $1000 on that outfit for this audition...no, maybe she should wear it this one time and that's it. She's jerking around so much I'm hoping there's a helmet under that hat. There's no rhythm, no beat, no song, no sense here. Just some random words shouted out at different pitches, with this dangerous lurking that threatens to spill flesh on unsuspecting bystanders at any moment. It's a cross between the backstroke and a seizure.
"We're having a tough day," Jennifer complains to Travis and Jaymes, while rubbing the back of her neck. Oh yeah, Jennifer? I've been recapping for four hours on this shit. You try watching these girls all edited in the comfort of your home.
Kerrie Roberts, nineteen, Student, Coral Gables, "I Will Always Love You." I can now tell even when the screen is frozen what song these girls are auditioning with by the placement of the hands and mouth. Open mouth -- Whitney. Pointy fingers -- Christina. Hip jut -- Enrique. Leaning forward to bounce -- Macy. Closed eyes with the head leaning way back -- Leann. Kerrie's voice is good enough here to cause two blondes in the back to conspire to kill her. She's a vocal major, and her "angelic" voice gives her a callback. She looks workable. New hair and style needed, but certainly workable. Good skin. Dig my producer talk.
We flash by the thirty girls asked to come back tomorrow as we leave Miami. We see the judges talking to a man in drag in New York as the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun take us to commercial.
Yay, Sugar and Spice. You just made it all worthwhile.
Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun takes us to New York City, where we're told that the "best of the best" will be here. Heh. Lots of girls wait in line. "Including this one." It's a DJ, doing stupid DJ jokes. He's dressed in drag, singing on a mic, so that it can be picked up by his morning show. Howard Stern's show just went up by another nine points. The judges keep a respectable distance from him.
Ivette Sosa, twenty-three, Entertainer, New York, pre-nose job. She's telling us to be a Popstar it takes "talent, and to be a good person and just to remember that your job is to entertain." That's right, girlie. A woman looks at Ivette with some severe Manson Lamps. Ivette just finished a run of West Side Story in Italy. But today she's throwing away all dignity and common sense. "How Do I Live" through this recap. She sings okay, except she fucks up one of the words and says, "What kind of life would I'd lee-bee!" Then she forgets her place in the song, stands there quiet for a few seconds, and then just starts singing in any old random place. The girls behind her HATE her. Only Jennifer claps for her. The judges huddle and Jennifer says that Ivette isn't that bad, but she is "completely unprepared." My roommate turns to me and says behind his hand, "Uh, 'completely unprepared'? Didn't we see that jacket and dress in Miami?" Travis says that at least she kept going and didn't get all girly and say, "Oh, my God! I forgot!" "No exceptions," Jennifer says. Travis leans and and gushes, "But she's so cute! Oh!" Jaymes turns to everyone and says it's very important that everyone know to be prepared when they go up there, and despite their better judgement, they're going to let Ivette come back, even though she sucked at her audition. They warn her that tomorrow she'd better come with the lyrics correct, or not to come at all. Ivette's moment of success is shadowed by her tongue-lashing. They don't even let the audience clap for her. Ivette said she was nervous. She starts crying and says they made sure she knew she'd better come prepared. All rules of audition are off if you're hot. That's the first rule of showbiz, folks.
Jean Pearlman has the name of a fifty-year-old woman, but she's only nineteen. She's a student, and her mother wants Jean to stay in school. Jean just wants to be a superstah. As Jean sings, she split-screens to tell us that she'd have to drop out of Columbia to join the band if she makes it. Her mom, a very tiny Janeane Garofalo-looking lady, says that they've worked too hard for her just to drop out. "In other words, I won't get it, so don't worry," Jean laughs. Travis interrupts Jean's "Rhythm Divine" and tells her he's heard enough. The judges whisper quietly for a second and invite Jean back. The narrator tells us that Jean is one step closer to making a decision between medicine and music. ["Oh my god, she's the female Ikaika!" -- Wing Chun]
Nyema Taylor, twenty-three, Recent Graduate ("Unemployed"), Bronx. Outside the audition area she's singing her larynx off to the camera. She's got the Stroke Mouth of Gospel Singing. But inside the audition room she's dropping notes and swallowing words. She doesn't even get to the "And I" of Whitney before Jaymes gives her the "Thank you." At this point I turn to my roommate and say, "You know, it's not that hard to sing the end of 'I Will Always Love You.' You just do it. It's loud and crazy and you can't hardly fuck it up." My roommate gives me a skeptical look. The judges tell all five that they aren't asking any of them back. Nyema, outside the audition room, tells us that she's very upset with herself. "I can sing, all right? I can blow, okay?" She says she'll never be famous if she can't get her "nerve together."
Camille Guaty, twenty-four, Actress, NY, "I Try." Looks like a Playboy model. Split-screen of Camille slutting around the judges and her talking about how this is just another way of paying the bills and getting closer to what she wants to do with her life. She says if she gets it, she gets it, and if she doesn't, at least she tried. The judges say that she's cute. Camille turns to us and says she messed up a little. "A lot!" she then whispers. The judges ask her back.
Eighty-seven belly buttons in New York City. Forty-four are getting called back. Travis turns to us with a look of complete delirium. His fists are clenched as tight as his jaw as he says through a frozen smile, "Just eight hundred and forty-four girls to go!"
Hello, Dallas. Now, I may have just moved from your great state, but I'm not a huge fan of your big-hair, fake-smilin', nasty-blonde, fake-tittied city. And I think you've shamed all of Texas with this turn-out. Should have had it in Houston, yo.
We pan across the hundreds of Dallas girls as the smell of Clorox reaches my nose all the way here in L.A. Crazy Texas girls cheering and going, "I'm so nervous, y'all!" The Asian "Superstah" girl gives us her arm-wave again.
Ashley Wambie, nineteen, Student, Denton, TX, "I Try." I try to ignore this girl's outfit, but I can't. Madonna is crying, y'all. Cowboy hat. Tight pink sleeveless shirt with a dragon on it. Blue nurse skirt. Big. Ass. Clogs. Crap. Ass. Singing.
Joni Brier, thirty-nine, Singer, Iredell, TX, "I Try." Leopard-print unitard. Scary tan. My roommate turns to me and says, "One little note about Iredell. It's so small the Dairy Queen closed." Joni apparently sings karaoke at Mo's Tavern on Tuesday nights. She scares me. For real.
Erin Grode, twenty-three, Interior Designer, Dallas, TX, "How Do I Live." She's changed it to an upbeat song, to match her Laura Ashley outfit. Some scary singing here.
Michele Solomon, twenty, Model, Ft. Worth, TX, "How Do I Live." Model! She's wearing tiny black leather hot pants and a blue strappy no-back top that's tied around her neck and showing all sorts of boob. The entire family must have helped stuff her into this outfit. I think that perhaps Michele's breasts are crying for help, but in fact it's her singing.
Cut to Travis outside the audition room with my favorite line: "We're, uh...getting off to a bit of a slow start. Um, there's not...they're not strong here in Dallas, as I hoped." Dude, you let a hundred Dallas girls get the option of singing you some Leann Rimes? You dug your own hole on that one. You want twang? You got yourself some fucking twang, my friend.
Morgan Matlock, nineteen, Miss Dallas, Coppell, TX, "What A Girl Wants." The judges seem relieved to get a girl that can kinda sing and at least has shiny teeth. "'Sat ri-aught?" Morgan asks after finishing all of the words on the page like a good reader. Jennifer tells all of the girls that they've got a bit of a country twang in their voices. "Less country, more pop," Jaymes interrupts. Hey, take the country song off the damn list, then. And perhaps you shouldn't go to a city that knows Dolly Parton wrote "I Will Always Love You." I'm just sayin'. They ask back some Barbie-lookin' girl and Miss Dallas.
Bea Talplacido, nineteen, Waitress, Mesquite, TX, "What A Girl Wants." She's the "Superstah!" girl from earlier. She says she wanted to do Eminem, but she's settling for Christina. The narrator tells us that Bea is wearing her "good luck tube top." Fuck me. Welcome to Texas, y'all. She bought it for three dollars. She starts singing, and I totally love her. She's all nasally and pointy, and full of attitude. I love her so much, people. I love her and her cheap tube top of hope. She gets a callback. Rock.
Nikki McKibbin, twenty-one, karaoke DJ (you can't make this shit up, people), Arlington, TX. She's wearing platform white heels, black leather pants, and a black halter. She moves the straps in the back to show her tattoo in the middle of her back that has her two-year-old son's name, "Tristen." If she makes the band, she might have to leave her son with her parents. She's so not making the band because of this. Nikki starts with the Whitney, and she's not bad. There is a girl in a horrible pink concoction with all sorts of bra problems standing near her. Nikki finishes before the hard part and the narrator reminds us about the kid as the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun take us to commercial.
We watch Nikki sing again. They ask her back. In a split-screen, Nikki drawls that she's very excited.
Twenty-five girls from Dallas are called back. I'm pretty sure one of them is actually a scary clown.
We're knocking down these cities, y'all. Chicago. Girls outside cheer.
Nicole Scherzinger, twenty-two, Performing Artist, Louisville, KY. She's already looking exactly like Beyoncé. She says she's wanted this her whole life and that she's always wanted to be Whitney Houston. She busts out the hard part of "I Will Always Love You," but she gets too high too soon and has to stop before the end of the song.
Laura Worley, eighteen, Student, Griffith, IN, "How Will I Live." She dreams of being the Britney. She'll have to wipe off some of that blue eyeshadow she's got running down her face. She looks like someone just hit her. And I hope she's got a cold, or there's no excuse for me having to hear this warble. Ow! Ow! Ow! The lisp and the piercing noises! I think she has pinkeye.
They only ask back Beyoncé. Outside, Laura tells us she thought she did pretty well. Beyonce says she just closed her eyes and sang and hoped something good came out. Laura looks longingly in Beyoncé's direction and tells us that perhaps if Beyoncé weren't in her group, she would have stood a better chance. She says the judges were eyeing her. "I don't know. I guess this is just a bad weekend for me," Laura whines, and looks dejectedly at Beyoncé.
"But Laura's not alone," the narrator warns us. Dear Lord, get ready.
Marianthi Bumbaris, twenty, Student, Chicago, "What A Girl Wants." Her name is Swahili for "Embarrassed Stumbling Like Cat In Heat." She can't sing, can't dance, and is wearing a purple see-through corset that doesn't move when she does. Ow! With the shouting and the random high-notes. Finger Pointing of Pointlessness. Blah, blah, blah, bleeding earcakes. I don't know how those judges don't just laugh at her as she's snaking around, lurching towards them like a drunken prom queen.
We cut to the No Chance Montage, complete with En Vogue's "Never Gonna Get It" playing in the background. Girls attempt singing and dancing.
Tameka McGee, nineteen, Telemarketer, Dekelb, IL, "I Will Always Love You." She sings like the office just asked her to perform for everyone at the Friday social. She does the Forward Walking of Taking Control of the Lack of Talent and Wasting Everyone's Time. It is at this point that I put the tape on pause, turn to my roommate and bust out a perfect rendition of "I Will Always Love You." I'm sitting on a couch, even. I'm hoping the agents that live upstairs want to make this Austin princess the Superstah! My roommate is only mildly impressed.
More En Vogue montage with a girl "raising the roof."
Erin Flannigan, twenty-one, Mail Clerk, Lockport, IL, "Rhythm Divine." No rhythm, nothing divine. At first I think she's singing "La Isla Bonita." That's how bad this is.
Never, never gonna get it.
We're back to more torture from Marianthi Bumbaris. That poor girl is gonna have to drop out of school and move to Canada. Not that you Canadians did anything to deserve it. "Thank you!" the judges, my roommate, me and most of West Hollywood shout at the same time.
Montage of scary girls. I think Lauren Holly slipped into the audition. Never gonna get, never gonna get it. One sings with a mimed microphone. Now that's funny. Lots of fists raised. One girl picks her leg into the air. One does "Superstah!" arms. Another kicks and shimmies.
The narrator tells us that the judges usually make instant unanimous decisions, but they had a harder time with Karen Perez. Karen Perez, twenty-eight, Insurance Processor, Oak Forest, IL, "How Do I Live." She's older, and heavy-set, but has a great voice. Travis turns to the Hyphentwins and says, "What about Two and Four?" Jaymes makes the gas-face and whispers, "Four? Come on!" Finally, a bit of honesty from those three. Then Jaymes and Jennifer start bitching about Karen so quietly I can't make any of it out. "Think pop star," Jaymes says to Travis slowly. We watch the tape of Karen singing again as the narrator and the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun tease us to commercial.
Back to Karen singing. Jennifer says very quietly so as not to incur the wrath of Jaymes that she thinks Karen has the best voice of the group and deserves to come back tomorrow. Travis announces that they're bringing Karen back. The girls applaud, and Karen starts crying. She wipes her tears and says, "I've been nervous since last week." The other girls give an audible, "Aw!" She keeps crying, saying she didn't think she was going to make it. Some random girl grabs Karen's wrists.
Thirty-nine girls are picked from Chicago. Aw, yeah, people. Last stop: L.A. I'm almost done.
Margaux Yap, twenty-one, Student, West Covina, CA, "How Do I Live." She sings in a Christian pop group and gets a callback.
Garland Gerber, twenty-one, Student, Playa Del Rey, CA ["Shout-out! I used to live there." -- Wing Chun], "What A Girl Wants." She's wearing what can only be described as trash. It's pieces of string and belts and denim scraps wrapped around her torso. I think she's got a hanger around her waist. As she starts to giggle off, the judges call her back to show off her shoes. They're silver boots that go up to her knees. Huge wooden platforms with spiked heels. Tacky. She gets a callback.
Emma Harrison, twenty-six, Entertainer, Los Angeles, "Rhythm Divine." She's such a bad singer that she has to pretend there's a pole behind her so she can start doing the dancing she does every night. She's got on a Mary Ann outfit, complete with a gingham halter and bleached pigtails.
Petra Sprecher, twenty-seven, Trapeze Artist, Venice, CA, "I Try." Scary shiny unitard and freaky hair. She mumbles through the song because she doesn't know the words and looks like she's there on a dare.
Lizzie Rodriguez, twenty-five, Musician, Pacific Palisades, CA, "What A Girl Wants." Clearly, this girl wants to be the Gwen Stefani. She skas up the song and prances around, giggling at not knowing the words. She just starts dancing instead. "She really can't sing," Jennifer mumbles to the other judges. Neither can Posh Spice, but she's still in the band.
Emily Corman, twenty-three, Actress, Woodland Hills, CA, "How Do I Live." She tries about seven different notes for the word "and" but never hits one that's recognizable.
Angeline Murphy, twenty-one, Unemployed, Burbank, CA, "How Do I Live." This girl makes me so sad. She's all depressed and unemployed and living in the valley, only here because she didn't have shit to do today. She doesn't know the words to the song and she just looks like she wants to go home.
Ariane Kamp, thirty, Actress, L.A., "Rhythm Divine." Scarier than the actual Divine. Crazy-scary bleached hair and hot pink lipstick. Sings like she's preparing for a scary nude cabaret.
The judges stand before these past few girls. Travis says it was a "very lively" group. Everyone laughs at the suckage. They don't call any of them back. Thank God. Ariane is hella pissed.
Ana Maria Lombo, twenty-two, Singer, Scottsdale, AZ, "How Do I Live." She's been a singer in her family's band her entire life, and this is her chance to break out from the family. She's wearing her best leather slut outfit to do it. Leather tube top, people. Nine million belly buttons in L.A. Some have been clearly surgically altered. She's pretty, but her voice is too breathy. She can move her bony hips, though. We have a split screen of Ana Maria telling me that music has been in her life forever. She gets a callback.
Oh, people, this is the sad story. Erika Occhipinti, twenty-two, Dance Instructor, Odessa, FL, missed the audition in Miami, so her Stage Mother flew her and her daughter all the way to the L.A. audition. Stage Mother has a nose like a cobra. She tells us all scary-like that she thinks her daughter has what it takes. "She has to be where it's happening," she tells us. The camera pans over to the daughter, but quickly has to pan up to the mother again, as she's still talking about how her daughter feels about everything. She's twenty-two. What is she doing still having her mother tell her what to do in her life? Mom's all, "Erika, you're gonna be in a girl band!" Erika wears her best slutty blue shiny halter and black mini, but the voice doesn't match the torso, here. The judges dismiss all five girls without a callback. Stage Mother is incredulous outside the audition room and tells us that Erika sang circles around all of those other girls. I'm so scared of Stage Mother. Erika keeps quiet as Stage Mother goes on and on about how Erika should have gotten a callback. They leave, but you know Erika is going to hear shit about this all the way back to Florida. The other day I went to see Save the Last Dance and after the movie I was in the bathroom when I saw a woman talking to her daughter at the mirror. The daughter was staring at the floor as the mother says, "You'll never be like Julia Stiles, you understand? And the sad thing is, you could have been. But you have to have more dedication than you have. Did you see how much that girl practiced? You used to practice. You could have been somebody. Why don't you want to dance anymore?" The girl just kept looking down and repeating, "I don't know. I'm sorry. I know. I don't know." She kept stealing side glances at the two girls having fun with lip gloss to her. I felt terrible. I hate Stage Mothers so much. They even play some Dragon Lady music on Stage Mother leaving in slow-motion.
Cheaza Figueroa, twenty-five, Pharmacy Clerk, Palmdale, CA, "I Will Always Love You." She's a daughter of an Ikette. She just wants to dance. She tells us several times that she's ready to dance. She's got a good stage presence and can sing. She finishes her song by turning to the crowd and asking for a beat. They start clapping and Cheaza busts out some dance moves. I like her. The crowd cheers her on. The judges huddle, and of course Jaymes feels threatened by her and hates her immediately. She says that she thinks Cheaza might overpower the group. They bring her back anyway. Cheaza gives a small celebratory dance. Outside, she tells us that she had so much fun and would like to do it again.
We see shots of two hundred and thirty-eight girls, all coming back from all these cities for one more callback. This time there's an interview. We see clips from this episode again, like we're reliving a warm memory of fun. The sun sets as they overlap shots of girls celebrating and looking thoughtful.
week the search continues. We see shots of the girls returning for the day. They will have an interview and an additional performance. They finally gave the judges some damn chairs. They ask one girl about her occupation. She takes a breath and then says, "Phone acting." The judges say in surprised unison, "Phone acting!" Travis leans over and says, "Well, this right here say, 'Phone sex operator.'" They all laugh. The narrator reminds us that talent agents will be around week to narrow the girls down to just ninety-three. Girls dance and cheer to the credits.
People, from now on it's only a thirty-minute show. And that, my friends, is the best news I've heard all week.