Reality television would not be what it is today without Mark Burnett. But Mark Burnett wouldn't be what he is today without the past several years of movies. In addition to this season's Pirate Master, with its obvious debt to the Pirates Of The Caribbean films, Burnett's other film-inspired hits include Survivor (similar to Cast Away, then still in production), The Apprentice (Wall Street), and of course Rock Star (that movie Rock Star, with Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Aniston).
We certainly aren't going to judge Burnett for following this pattern, not least of all because it helps us to project what's coming in future years, based on present theatrical hits:
Last Man Standing
300's famous Battle of Thermopylae was only the beginning. In the pilot of Last Man Standing, Burnett travels to Mexico to pit 20,000 "Persians" (actually underpaid Mexican nationals) against 300 "Spartans" (actually aspiring actors from Los Angeles). Armed only with period "weapons" that tag victims with a blot of red paint instead of killing them, the two "armies" "fight" to the "death" until only one "Spartan" remains to claim that week's $50,000 prize. Given the unlimited supply of showbiz hopefuls residing in California, Burnett will be able to field an entirely new army each week to work their way through history's most lopsided skirmishes, from the Roman conquests to more modern massacres. Filled with 300-style slo-mo shots (the only way to make these "battles" last more than five minutes on screen), the show will keep viewers guessing with its chaotic action and its complete disregard for historical accuracy. Who will be the last man (or woman) standing?
Beat The House
Everyone dreams of winning big in Vegas, but the odds are always stacked in the house's favor. Until now. In Beat The House, twelve teams of two are set loose on the Vegas Strip, where each week they will compete to see which of them can defraud the largest sum from a major casino à la Ocean's Thirteen. As tuxedo-clad host Adam Arkin presides over dirty roulette at Treasure Island one week, card-counting at the Bally's blackjack tables another, and loaded dice at the Luxor's craps table the , contestants must become experts in every major cheating discipline. At the end of each episode, the team with the smallest ill-gotten sum gets "back-roomed." In a dark, underground concrete cell, losing teams will come face-to-face with gaming icon Steve Wynn, to whom each player must attempt to explain why he or she should not be abandoned in the desert. The ultimate winner will score a sweet job in the industry, as deputy assistant night security chief on a gambling riverboat in the Quad Cities.
Expecting
Stung by criticism that his shows are hastening the decline of society, Burnett addresses head-on the problem of unplanned pregnancy, which he learned about while watching Knocked Up. Fifteen young, clueless, unmarried, and pregnant couples will compete for a package that represents hope for their baby's future: comprehensive pre- and post-natal care, a fully equipped and decorated nursery, and a sizable 529 college fund. Challenges designed to test the couples' real-world parenting skills include a bedtime story marathon, sleep-deprivation experiments, an orienteering race from school to soccer practice to piano lessons, and "no, officer, it couldn't have been my kid." Couples who do poorly on these challenges are brought before a "PTA board" consisting of Florence Henderson, Dr. Phil McGraw, and Saved By The Bell's Dennis Haskins to defend their performance. But inevitably, each week, one couple will be told, "We just don't think you have what it takes to be parents," after which they will be ferried in a black minivan to the nearest Planned Parenthood clinic.
Key To The Future
After being pilloried in the media for Expecting, Burnett attempts to rehabilitate his image with Key to the Future, an action game show that combines Burnett's EcoChallenge experience with inspiration drawn from Children Of Men. Under the watchful eye of host Michael Caine, contestants must race through a hair-raising obstacle course designed to resemble a bombed-out refugee camp. They must avoid or defeat actors playing violent refugees, soldiers, and corrupt guards in order to reach safety. The twist is that each racer will also be responsible for a young woman who is eight and a half months pregnant. But what if the mother goes into labor during the run? Well, racers who successfully deliver a healthy child receive a substantial time bonus that could more than make up for the delay. This potentially raises the strategic stakes beyond what happens on Survivor. Outplay...outwit...induce?
Magic School
Seven young people between the ages of eleven and eighteen will meet at London's King's Cross Station and board a train that will take them to a huge castle in the North of England. For the two months, this will be their home: Magic School. Join our young witches and wizards as they learn the tricks of the magic trade from guest "professors" like David Copperfield, Lance Burton, and Penn & Teller. Each week, one student will be chosen to descend deep below the castle to face a terrifying foe: professional skeptic James (the Amazing) Randi. A private performance will determine whether they are to be expelled, and those who fool Randi get to return to class. In the end, Magic School will have only one graduate, whose prize will be a coin purse filled with lint. All he or she has to do is figure out how to turn it into one million dollars.
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Live To Ride, Ride To Live
What frustrated, middle-aged wage slave hasn't dreamed about a life of freedom on the open road? Almost none, as the otherwise inexplicable success of Wild Hogs demonstrates. Now Mark Burnett offers one lucky would-be biker the chance to live the dream. Starting from a Honda dealership in Encino, twenty amateur motorcyclists will embark on the road rally of their lives, following clues along a route that will lead them from roadhouse to sanitized-for-TV roadhouse as it crisscrosses the nation. At every stop, host Peter Fonda will kick over the bike of the last person to arrive and send him or her back home at the wheel of a school bus whose windows don't open. But it's all worth it for the chance to become a real-life easy rider, along with everything the winner needs to make it happen. At the finish line in Sturgis, South Dakota, Fonda will present the winner with one million dollars, a full set of leathers and helmet emblazoned with the L2R/R2L logo, a brand-new Honda, a lifetime's supply of hemorrhoid cream, and a divorce attorney on retainer.
House Arrest
Solving a murder is one thing. Solving a murder without leaving home is another. In the tradition of this year's hip Rear Window update Disturbia, a dozen would-be crime-stoppers are ensconced on one side of an apartment block facing the curtain-challenged "home" of actor Russell Crowe. Armed with nothing but their wits, one girl with freedom of movement whom all competitors must figure out how to share (Elisabeth Hasselbeck), and a dazzling array of high-tech surveillance equipment, players race to be the first to solve each week's crime. But what they don't know is that Crowe is receiving constant updates on each player's investigation, and if you get too close, he's coming after you. Crowe uses a phone-shaped club to "eliminate" the investigators week by week, one by one, until nobody is left but the "investigator" who was wise enough to mind his own damn business.
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