Okay, the first thing you need to know is that I'm not going to be writing all of these weecaps as though it's Talk Like A Pirate Day. I will not be gratuitously dropping in phrases like "avast, ye scurvy dogs" or "bucket o' blood' everywhere. Life's too short. And besides, I just don't think pirate expressions are inherently funny. My apologies in advance to anyone who thinks they arrrrrrr.
So the premise of Pirate Master is to see which one of the sixteen competitors would make the best pirate. The winner will be awarded a multi-million-dollar pirating contract -- which includes one heavily armed ship and a handpicked sailing force of cutthroat mercenaries -- and then be cut loose in the Indian Ocean to wreak havoc on commercial shipping lanes. Well, not really, but how awesome would that be? What will Mark Burnett come up with ? Mafia Hitman? Serial Rapist? Stay tuned!
For the Pirate Probst, Mark Burnett has tapped a fellow Aussie, actor Cameron Daddo. You may not know who he is, but I've actually recapped him before, if you can believe that.
So in the dark of night, the sixteen competitors row in a longboat out to a "pirate ship" called the Picton Castle, where Cameron Daddo greets them quite seriously and explains to them that it's a "working vessel." Which means they'll be working, I guess. He puts them right to work pulling on ropes, and the thing you know they've hauled a treasure chest out of the sea, which Cameron claims is the "Chest Of Zanzibar." Apparently, it has something to do with a Captain Henry Steel, who supposedly divided his treasure into fourteen segments (for himself and each of his crewmen), and then buried it on an island and returned with two maps to each segment, which are now in the chest, so let's hope the chest is waterproof. Tomorrow, the ship is sailing for the island of Dominica. By this time, we've already met Louie (fishing dock operator and Rupert 2.0), Jay (an auto-parts salesman who compares his job to being a pirate, which I'm sure his customers appreciate), and Ben (musician, and very excited to be here).
Everyone stands around in someone's idea of period garb (which will involve, variously, pirate shirts for the men and sport bras and running shorts for the women, and of course headscarves for nearly everyone) and gets drunk on grog on the poop deck. We meet Christian (ex-NFL running back, known in his former life as the Nigerian Nightmare), Cheryl (a deputy D.A., not that she's telling anyone that yet), and a receptionist named Joy, who is rightly freaked out by John, who seems to think he's Captain Jack Sparrow but with a condition that prevents him from speaking in a normal voice And then John's subtitle outs him as "Scientist/Exotic Dancer," so clearly John is one to watch.
Buttcrack of dawn, everyone's getting the ship ready to sail, which seems to involve a lot of scrambling around on the rigging and hoisting topsails and whatnot. Bartender Sean tells us about how his dad was a Navy captain, so he has lots of sailing experience. They get the ship underway. Joy gets seasick. There's always one.
Land ho. As anchor drops, we meet firefighter Joe Don, who was in the Navy for two years. He and Ben bond on the bow. Cameron gathers everyone on the deck to open the chest and pick teams for the first treasure hunt. The way this works is that everybody picks a bead out of a bag, and whether you get a red one or a black one tells you which team you're on. Everyone gets a color-coordinated sash to tie around some part of themselves so we know what "crew" they're on, and the two crews are cut loose in separate longboats. Cameron narrates that the crews will have to row up a river (their directions include a "critical left") to find a second map that will lead them to the actual treasure. So they're not so much pirating as scavenger hunting.
The Red Crew quickly falls behind en route to the island because they're slow to realize that their longboat is equipped with a rudder. And then the Black Crew has trouble exploiting its lead when Ben loses his shoe in knee-deep mud. That would totally happen to me. Ben finally exhumes his shoe before the Black Crew catches up. They work on a puzzle involving keys and an iron maiden containing a skeleton, which in turn contains a new map. As Cameron narrates, the new map leads them further up the river, along a route where the leading crew can essentially Yield the one behind, and to where they'll find the treasure in the "Crocodile's Lair." Alas, this only means that the treasure is underwater and attached to two fake crocodile heads, and not that crocodiles will eat anyone. The Black Crew sabotages the Red Crew by cutting a rope that causes a rope net to rise up out of the river, blocking the route. The Black Crew is still diving for the treasure when the Red Crew gets past that "sabotage" and catches up. That seems to have cost the Black Crew as much as ninety seconds.
John (Black Crew) realizes from a close reading of the clue that the treasure must be under the mangrove tree, so he finds it and hauls it to the surface for his team to open. It's full of water and crabs and also lots of gold coins. "I found myself far and above the only one that was able to do it," John boasts in an interview. The Red Crew stands around in the river looking sad. You know what's more pathetic than being defeated-looking? Defeated-looking while chest-deep in water.
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Back on the ship, the Red Crew commiserates belowdecks, while above decks, Cameron tells the Black Crew how much the different-sized coins are worth and tells them to count it up. After they've established that it's $40,000 USD in current value (determining which appears to have taken them most of the rest of the day), Cameron has them elect a Captain. For some reason, Joe Don is elected almost unanimously, with only John abstaining, because he thinks finding the chest should mean he's Captain. Too bad for John. After that's official, Cameron tells Joe Don that, as Captain, he gets half the treasure to do with as he pleases. Joe Don is told to pick two "Officers," and he taps Cheryl and Ben. That means Cheryl and Ben get an eighth of the treasure each ($5,000). The remaining five (including Louie) get to split the remainder, leaving them $2,000 each. Worse yet, the Black Crew is now disbanded, and they're all subject to "Captain Joe Don's" orders, along with the losing Black Crew.
"Fashion Publicist" Alexis bitches about what a raw deal that was, calling Joe Don "Grizzly Adams J.D., who lives in Alaska with no running water" and acting all grumpy that he gets twenty grand. John's even more bitter about having won it for the team and getting "nothing." (As a scientist, John should really know the difference between nothing and two thousand of anything).
Up on deck, Cameron bestows Joe Don, Cheryl, and Ben with their coats of office (and a tricorne hat for Joe Don), as well as keys to the "Captain's Quarters." This turns out to basically be a floating HoH room. The power immediately goes to Joe Don's head, and he has Cheryl and Ben put everyone right to work. Louie goes on at length in interviews about how he plans to take Joe Don down.
morning, Cameron visits J.D., Ben, and Cheryl in the Captain's Quarters and explains how elimination works. It's the Captain's job to pick three pirates to mark with a black spot, and then each of them must defend themselves in "Pirates Court." Then the other pirates will vote, and the loser is "cut adrift." But look out, because if the pirates and the officers unanimously "mutiny," then it's Joe Don who gets booted. "Very well," Joe Don says seriously.
Joe Don has already decided that John has to go, due to being his own person. "I can't have any room for that on my ship," he interviews. Shut up, Joe Don. Something tells me it's going to be "your ship" for about a day and a half. Joe Don also names Louie, due to his talk of mutiny and the previously unmentioned rule that people with a black mark don't get a vote. As the "safe" person, they select Joy because everybody likes her. I decide that Joy is doomed.
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Up on deck, the officers pass out the "summonses," and Joy, John, and Louie see the black spots on theirs. "I think it wise not to badmouth the Captain anymore," Louie says, and laughs uproariously. Joy gets totally emotional. John steals the ship's two compasses to keep himself safe, and to use as leverage to lead a mutiny against Joe Don.
Pirates Court happens on a rainy night amidships, with Cameron presiding. "Pirates Court's in session," Cameron says in all seriousness, and calls Louie as the first to defend himself. Louie's whole argument is that he loves everyone and they'll all miss him if he goes, and all he wants is fair pay for the job he does. Joy says that she's given her all, and that they don't want her to go any more than she does.
John's argument is that he's on the block because he didn't vote for Joe Don to be Captain, and busts out the compasses he stole. "If I go, they go," he threatens. He asks if they really want to lose Joy or Louie or the compasses, or if they'd rather just ditch the guy who took half the treasure and gave everyone extra duty (by which he means Joe Don, not that most of these people seem to follow his logic). He even pulls out his own summons as a visual aid to demonstrate what a black mark looks like, but he's all awkward about it. I hope he's a really good scientist.
Cameron asks Joe Don how this makes him feel. Joe Don makes a big speech about how he can steer himself by the sun and the stars, trying to sound all annoyingly period-language the whole time, until he finally can't stop himself from saying "piece of cake." John calls Joe Don's bluff and asks him to point north at that moment. Joe Don looks up at the cloudy sky and says he has no idea, but he's sure it's easier in the daytime.
Cameron tells the ten pirates in the jury that they each have four cards: one for each of the marked pirates, and one Mutiny card for the Captain. One at a time, they come up and spike the cards on a dagger positioned point-up. I hope that isn't there all the time, or someone's going to get hurt on that thing. We don't get to see any of the votes. Cameron counts them up, and Seacrests Joy back to the crew. "Your voyage continues," he says, to applause. Louie is similarly safe. Before telling us whether John or Joe Don is done, Cameron says that the vote was unanimous -- and then tells John, "Your voyage is ended. You will be cut adrift." Cameron calls Joe Don down to do the honors, and everyone watches as John climbs over the side onto a raft and Joe Don uses a prop sword to cut the line holding John's to the ship. Everyone looks sad, for some reason. As John "drifts" off on a raft that seems to move with rather suspicious purpose, he narrates, "Nobody really cared about the compasses. That may or may not have been a mistake." You think?
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