Previously on Party of Five: Bailey caught the bouquet and then he and Holly had a really ambiguous scene where they might have broken up, and might not have. Charlie told off his boss, and then his boss agreed to produce Charlie's furniture designs. Claudia wanted to go right to college because she was sick of high school, but we all know it's really about her assault.
Claudia is packing a suitcase in her bedroom. Bailey comes in to thank her for checking Owen's homework and asks her what's up with the suitcase. Claudia says she's getting ready to leave for her East Coast college trip in the morning. Bailey says he knew that she was planning to go visit colleges, but he thought she was waiting a few weeks so that he could go with her. Claudia says she called the colleges and found out that she can get in midyear if she applies right away, so her trip is urgent. Julia enters the room wearing a really ugly poncho. First of all, why is she wearing a poncho inside? Second, why is she wearing a poncho at all? ["The poncho is all over the FOX primetime schedule. No, sir, I don't like it." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Julia asks about the suitcase and Bailey fills her in on Claudia's plans. Julia says she thought she was going to go with Claudia, and that they were going to visit Justin at Yale. Bailey says he thought he was going with Claudia. Claudia says that she's going alone, and Bailey tells her she can't do that. Claudia informs him that she has already bought the plane tickets (with what money?) and Bailey tells her to change them. Claudia says she has already made appointments for tours and meetings at the colleges. Julia says she will use the miles she accumulated when she went to Europe to buy a ticket, and goes off to do just that. She stops in the doorway to mention how excited she is about taking a trip with Claudia. Claudia does not look excited at all. She looks the opposite of excited, and then she mentions that everybody wants to be closer to free.
A random factory worker comes up to Charlie and gives him a status update. Being the manufacturing savant that he is, Charlie makes a simple suggestion that is going to save everyone's collective ass. While discussing it, his cellular phone rings, and the guy asks him if he is going to answer it, and then walks off. Before leaving, the factory worker calls Charlie "Charles" which was weird. Like, are they trying to say that he goes by "Charles" at work, or did this actor get this walk-on part and try to think of a way to make himself memorable, and that was the best he could do? Anyway, Kirsten is on the phone, and she tells Charlie that she found out that their insurance will cover 90% of her laparoscopic surgery, so they can finally afford it. Kirsten says that the doctor told her that, after the surgery, Kirsten can have a baby the "old-fashioned way," by just letting it happen. Charlie tells her she should schedule the surgery right away. Kirsten asks him if he has started work on his designs for the upcoming design expo. Charlie says that he hasn't yet, but that Kirsten shouldn't worry, and that she should call "Dr. Vasquez." Every time they refer to this doctor during the episode, they call him "Dr. Vasquez" instead of just "the doctor" or "your doctor," which cynical old me takes as being a way to pacify the people who want better minority representation on television shows. Like giving a doctor an ethnic name makes it all better. Whatever, FOX.
Victor is taking some Rice Krispies Treats out of the fridge. I run to the kitchen to make some, only to discover the only ingredient I have on hand is butter. I close the fridge and go back to the couch. Owen is sitting at the counter waiting for his treats, which Victor promises "will knock your socks off. Where are your socks?" Pan down to Owen's feet to reveal that they are, indeed, bare. Owen says that a bully named Morgan took them, and when Victor asks if it's the same guy who pushed Owen at soccer practice, Owen says it is. Owen then asks Victor not to tell Bailey about it, because Bailey will just call the school and that will make things worse. Good Lord, is this plot straight out of every possible television show ever? With the exception of the gay nanny, of course. Anyway, Victor advises Owen to show he's not scared and to stand his ground. Bailey comes in and asks about Owen's socks, and Victor makes up a lie about "mud Frisbee." Bailey snags a treat off the plate. Victor looks worriedly at little Owen, and then hustles him back down to the basement since his scene is over.
Julia and Justin are dropping Claudia off in front of a dorm. Justin reminds Claudia that her roommate is gone so she is going to be staying alone. I thought they would go somewhere with this, but it was never mentioned again in the episode, so I'm not sure why it was mentioned here. Julia is staying at Justin's apartment. Julia keeps trying to make sure Claudia is going to be okay, until Justin tells her Claudia doesn't need "old folks cramping her style." Hey, this scene seems familiar. Oh yeah, they did the same thing when Bailey and Sarah dropped Claudia off at boarding school! Julia mothers Claudia some more, and Justin mentions someone named "Laura" who must be his new girlfriend. Julia asks what Claudia will do for food. Claudia says, "You gave me this thing called money. I think they take American dollars here, right, Justin?" Ha! Justin drags Julia off.
Holly and Bailey just finished doing it, and they're all sweaty and talking about how great is was because they haven't seen one another for forty-eight hours. "I Melt With You" by Modern English is playing in the background. Bailey and Holly continue to make out throughout the dialogue in this scene, just so you know they can't keep their hands off each other. Holly suggests that they spend less time apart. Bailey disagrees. Holly says she knows they are "casual and non-exclusive" and you will hear that phrase A LOT during this episode. She wants to "get naked with [Bailey], like, 24/7." Bailey says he doesn't want to lose this feeling of "sexual desperation" or "push things." Holly agrees with him. She has really long legs. She's kind of straddling Bailey, and they are super long. Then again, Scott Wolf is pretty short. Bailey says that he is hers "from now until dawn," but that first he has to get the groceries. Holly tells him to forget the groceries and pushes him down and they do it some more.
Daphne answers the door in her apartment and it's Charlie, come to pick up Diana. Charlie apologizes for being so late, and explains that he was working on his designs. It's nearly midnight. Luke is also there, and Charlie says he didn't know Luke was staying over, like it's any of his damn business. Daphne and Luke look at each other and act all evasive, and then finally reveal that Luke has moved in. Daphne says she meant to tell Charlie, but he's been so busy that she hasn't had the chance. Doesn't she see him often, in the Diana switch? Charlie just stands there with his mouth open, because he can't believe Daphne could ever love another after having that Salinger love. That may just be my interpretation.
Julia is sleeping on a couch and someone is exercising on the floor to her. A beeping noise wakes Julia and the exerciser sits up and says, "I'm sorry. My heart monitor is set to go off as soon as I enter the zone." I hate her already. She yells out to Justin that she's in the zone. What does she want, a party? Turns out that this is Laura, as she introduces herself to a sleepy Julia. Laura talks a mile a minute, and mentions Julia's book, and then says that a guy she dated tried to get tough with her. Julia asked how she handled it, and Laura says, "I fractured his larynx. I'm a third-degree black belt." Ha! Okay, I forgive her for being such a morning person. Justin jogs in and Laura invites Julia to join them to "do eight miles and then grab some green tea." Okay, I hate her again. Julia turns them down since she's still "on California time," and they leave.
Charlie is on the phone when Kirsten comes home from work and asks what's going on. He tells her that three guys called in sick to the factory. Kirsten meant what's going on with his designs. Charlie says that he can't figure out how to produce them with the money they have available. He also says he was up half the night "stressing about the Daphne thing." Kirsten says that Daphne is a big girl, and if she wants to move in with Luke, she can. Charlie asks what it means for Diana, because Luke seems great but they don't really know him and neither does Daphne. Also, Charlie was reading about Kirsten's surgery, and he learned that she could damage her bowel or bladder, and that she will be at greater risk for an ectopic pregnancy. Kirsten tells him not to worry, that having the surgery means that she will get checked every month. She reminds him that this project could launch him. Charlie tells her to get off his stinking back. Well, he doesn't, but I would have. Instead the phone rings, and Charlie answers it, while Kirsten drinks her tea and looks worried.
Owen is sitting at the kitchen counter, and Victor asks him how it went with Morgan the bully. Owen says he got his shoes back, and shows them to Victor. Victor congratulates Owen, who stands up and reveals that he's not wearing any pants. He says Morgan "said something about the flood being over." Victor asks Owen if he gave Morgan the "Victor Krispies," and Owen pulls a crushed-looking treat out of one of the shoes.
Claudia is standing on campus, looking at a map. A guy approaches her and introduces himself as "Peter Carlton, your student host." Claudia talks about the way Julia has been bugging her, and Peter commiserates, since his father is an alumnus and bugged Peter on his campus visit as well. Claudia tells him that she's marked the map with all the places she wants to visit on the tour. Peter reluctantly says okay. Claudia tells him that the places she chose were all recommended. Peter says he can give her the "standard freshman tour" of a bunch of "boring buildings," but that it won't tell her anything about what the college is really like. Instead, he offers her the "insider's tour," and Claudia agrees.
Victor, Owen and Bailey are in a restaurant. Victor asks Owen what's wrong with his banana split, since he is stirring it around instead of eating it. Owen says he wants "banana soup." Victor tells a distracted-looking Bailey that if he wants to go see "her," Victor can take Owen bowling alone. God forbid Bailey spend more than fifteen minutes per day with the brother he was willing to go to court over last season. Bailey asks why Victor would say that. Victor says that every other word out of Bailey's mouth these days "starts with 'H' and ends with 'olly.'" I love Victor! Bailey tells him that Thursday is their night off. Victor asks why he can't change their night off to Friday. Bailey doesn't want to do that because that would eventually lead to having no nights off at all. Victor wonders why that would be a bad thing. Bailey wants to keep things casual. Victor doesn't see why they can't get together while keeping things casual. Bailey says they have a system, and explains it. Victor's mouth says "Makes perfect sense," but his face says, "You're a real nutbag." Bailey says he can call her whenever he wants -- in fact he's going to call her right now. He leaves the table to make that call.
Victor stops Owen from stirring his banana soup, and tells him to go throw it out so that they can go bowling. Owen gets up with his tray and runs into Big Scary Guy, spilling ice cream on him. Big Scary Guy yells at Owen. Dude, he's, like, six. Chill. Victor gets up and apologizes, and offers to pay to have Big Scary Guy's clothes cleaned. Big Scary Guy whines like Little Crybaby, even though he's wearing a T-shirt and jeans, and could just throw them in the washing machine. Plus, there's like two drops of ice cream on them. Big Scary Guy says, "Stupid kid. Someone should smack him." In theory, I would agree, but in reality, it was an honest mistake. Victor tells Big Scary Guy to let it go, and Big Scary Guy says, "Maybe someone needs to smack you." Victor grabs Big Scary Guy's hand and twists it, bringing Big Scary Guy to his Big Scary Knees. Victor says, "He apologized and I offered to make things right. Is there anything else you feel you need?" No one else in the restaurant even notices this huge commotion, including Bailey. Big Scary Guy becomes Kneeling Penitent Guy and says, "I'm good." Victor and Owen leave, and Owen asks to learn the wrist thing. I know Victor is gay and all, but he's still my boyfriend.
Charlie is at work. Daphne comes in with Diana to surprise him. Charlie says that it's really crazy at work. Daphne suggests that maybe Diana could stay over with her a few nights a week since Charlie and Kirsten are both so busy. She doesn't add that she is Diana's mom, even though Charlie and Kirsten would like to pretend she's their maid or something. Charlie says he doesn't want to change their routine. Daphne points out that it's "silly to wake her up so that she can go sleep at your place." Charlie says, in the most sanctimonious voice possible, "I feel better knowing what kind of environment she's in." Daphne is taken aback, and then asks what that is supposed to mean. Charlie says he doesn't have anything against Luke, but that they don't know him that well. He doesn't know what Luke would do in a discipline situation, or what he would do if Diana started choking since he hasn't taken baby CPR like they have. Daphne points out that millions of parents around the world never took baby CPR and their children lived. Well, she doesn't point that out, but she probably would have if she wasn't so stunned by what a jerk Charlie is. She's probably thinking, "I can't believe I slept with this ass." Instead, she says that Luke is great with Diana and that Charlie has no idea. Charlie says she's right, he has no idea, and that's the problem. Just when I start to see Charlie's point, he says that Daphne has been trying (trying?) to be a responsible parent "and most of the time [she is]," but having Luke around isn't "the most responsible move." As if Charlie has been a paragon of virtue and responsibility all of his adult life. Is he forgetting the first few seasons where he was a fuck-up ninety percent of the time? Because I'm not. ["No shit. At least Daphne never lost Diana in the park. Maybe we should get Owen in on this conversation?" -- Wing Chun]
Julia, Justin and Laura are eating dinner and Laura is talking in her mile-a-minute voice about her trip to Kenya. Then she excuses herself to go to the restroom. Justin says that she is a "force of nature," and that being around her is "like being on a drug." Julia looks amused, and then says she needs to call Claudia before Laura gets back. Justin says he wanted to talk to Julia alone. You can tell that Julia totally thinks, "Oh no, another man has fallen in love with me. Oh, men. What am I going to do with them?" Instead, Justin tells her that he's thinking of proposing to Laura and he wants her opinion. Because Julia has such a successful relationship history. She mumbles something that doesn't make any sense, and Justin thanks her because, like the viewers, he clearly wasn't listening.
Bailey pulls up to the curb in his jeep and watches Holly and some other guy walking down the street. Wouldn't Holly recognize his car? She doesn't, and she keeps talking to the guy. Just before they part, she kisses him on the cheek. Stalker Bailey just watches. It totally could have been her cousin or something.
Charlie is asleep on the couch and Daphne walks into his apartment. Charlie wakes up and says that he must have dozed off for a minute, because he was up all night working the numbers. Daphne asks where Diana is, and Charlie doesn't know. They wander around the apartment calling her, until Daphne finds her in the bathroom unrolling the toilet paper. My cats do that all the time! Daphne picks Diana up and gets ready to go. Charlie is all "this never happens" and "I only dozed off for a minute," but Daphne is much more mature than I am and doesn't even sweat it. She gets in a dig, though, by saying that stuff like that happens all the time, "even to responsible parents."
Claudia is having coffee with Peter the tour guide. Nothing much happens in this scene, except that they are getting along really well and even flirting a little bit. Claudia is going to tag along to one of his classes, and he offers her his scarf because it's really cold and a long walk. She takes it, and then says she had better visit the restroom before the long walk.
Victor demonstrates a kick to a punching bag in the back yard for Owen. At first, I was planning how to make fun of the fact that they got a punching bag out of nowhere, but on closer inspection, it's not a real punching bag. It was, like, a laundry bag stuffed with clothes, so I'll let it slide. Victor tells Owen that it's not about how hard you kick, "it's all about foot placement, like ballet." Owen looks doubtful, but he tries a kick anyway. Victor asks him what Rule #1 is, and Owen says "Only use self-defense to defend yourself." Victor lectures that violence is a last resort, and that Owen should use words, and use words again before resorting to violence. Owen is clearly not listening, and then he asks Victor to show him how to do a "flying scissor lock," which is a move he saw while watching wrestling with Will. Will? Has he been on the show since, like, Thanksgiving? I guess he and Owen watch wrestling while they're locked in the basement together. Owen wants to learn that move "in case words don't work."
Claudia is in the bathroom, and when she comes out of the stall, Peter is standing there. She asks him what he's doing, and she's clearly frightened. Peter says he "couldn't wait to..." and Claudia interrupts him by saying that just because she smiled at his jokes and borrowed his scarf doesn't mean she's his girlfriend. Peter agrees. Claudia wonders why she can't be friends with a guy without asking him to come after her. Peter points out that it's a co-ed bathroom, and that "[he] came in here to pee." Claudia realizes her mistake and says, "What is the matter with me?" Peter tries to make her feel better by saying that a lot of girls get freaked out when there are guys in there. It doesn't work, and Claudia hands his scarf back and walks out.
Kirsten comes into her apartment, and sees Charlie there with Diana. She comments that he is home early, and he says that he was "missing [his] two best girls." Kirsten says she will take Diana after she gets something to eat, as if she eats. Ever. Charlie says she doesn't have to do that because he doesn't have any work to do. Kirsten asks if he has the design problem figured out, and Charlie says that he has put his designs on hold. Kirsten says all bitchily, "Until when?" while she takes a salad out of the fridge. Charlie says he's waiting until things settle down. Kirsten says she doesn't understand and asks about the design expo week. God, she is such a nag! Charlie says that he is out of ideas as to how to solve his design problem, and Kirsten asks if he is giving up. Charlie says that he doesn't have time, since he has a full-time job and Kirsten has her surgery tomorrow (!), and there is Diana to think about. Kirsten says that those things can be worked out, and that he shouldn't drop out when this is the first great opportunity he's had since his business moved to Seattle. Charlie gets all defensive and says, "What's your problem, Kirsten? You've been on my case for weeks!" Well, that's true, but he could have pointed it out in a less snotty way. Kirsten asks how long he has been dreaming about this opportunity, and then answer for him, "Years!" and says she hates to see him let this opportunity go by, and she hopes it's for a good reason. Charlie asks what that's supposed to mean. Kirsten says, really bitchily, "You figure it out," and for some weird reason, she smiles.
Holly bounces up to Bailey at Salinger's and asks if he's ready to go. He tells her he's just finishing up, and that he has to ask her a question. He asks her what their policy is on dating. Holly answers as if reciting from some law book, "As often as possible, up to the maximum permitted within a casual, non-exclusive relationship." Bailey asks if it's that open and Holly realizes he's talking about dating other people. She lightly asks if he wants to ask someone else out. Bailey says he doesn't, does she? Holly says no, and then adds sarcastically, "Sorry, you're the best I've come up with." Bailey asks her if she did want to date other people, would he tell her? Holly asks if he would want her to. Bailey says yes and Holly says she will. She realizes that Bailey still isn't done, so she says, "What?" Bailey goes into stalker mode and asks where she was last night, since he tried to call and she wasn't home. This scene is so out of Television 101: Jealous Boyfriend. Seriously, I was watching it on tape, and I would pause before each line and predict what the person would say, and I was totally right. I'm sure you would have been too. Anyway, she finds out that he was watching her, and says she was with a co-worker, and gets mad and stomps out.
Julia is telling someone that she doesn't want Justin to propose, but she doesn't know if she should tell him that. The camera pans over to reveal Claudia in much the same pose as me: Bored. Julia babbles on about Justin and Laura and finally Claudia says, "Julia, I really don't care." I cheer and high-five the cats. Claudia goes on to say that she had a bad day. Julia asks what happened, and Claudia answers by saying that she's flying back home in the morning. Julia still wants to know what happened, but Claudia doesn't want to talk about it. Julia says she wants to help. Claudia asks her if Julia can go back in time and stop Claudia from going into that room with Derrick. Julia admits she can't. Claudia says, very coldly, "Then you can't help me," and leaves.
Charlie, carrying Diana, knocks on Daphne's apartment door. Luke answers and says that Daphne ran to the store but that she will be back soon. Charlie hands Diana over and tries to make small talk, and then gets ready to leave. Luke tells him that Kirsten left her diaper bag there, so Charlie comes in to get it. They walk into Diana's bedroom and Charlie notices that it's all decorated, and Luke admits that he did the decorating. Suddenly, Luke is immediately rehabilitated in Charlie's eyes because he stenciled some sheep on the walls. Luke offers to drop Diana off at Charlie's that night so Charlie doesn't have to drive over. Charlie says that Diana should spend the night there, and tells Luke to tell Daphne, "Thanks." Like that makes up for calling her an irresponsible parent.
Justin is drinking coffee outside, and Julia walks up and says she can't find Claudia. Justin tells Julia to go find her, and then thanks her for helping him make up his mind about Laura -- he's going to propose. They hug and Justin says, kind of intensely, "I love you." Julia repeats it. You know, if they were going to go to the trouble of bringing Justin back, they could have given him an actual storyline. That was so lame.
Victor is cleaning up Owen's room. Is that part of his nanny duties? Bailey comes in and says he had to pick up Owen at school because he kicked another kid in the chest on the playground. Victor says it must have been Morgan the bully. Bailey asks why Victor didn't tell him about Owen's problem earlier. Victor says that Bailey's been really distracted, besides which Owen asked him not to say anything. Bailey gets all fired up, and says, "What were you thinking, teaching him how to fight?" I won't even go into how little time Bailey spends with Owen, or with Victor for that matter, thus forcing Victor to make his own parenting decisions, but I could. Victor goes on to talk about how he knows what it's like to get picked on, and to feel ashamed, and that he thinks a person should face his fears. He concludes, "That's the only way I made it through." See, because this episode is all about fear. The title is "Fear and Loathing." I'm not sure where the loathing comes in, unless they were referring to my feelings for Charlie. Hey, maybe that's a shout-out!
Julia walks up to Claudia, who is sitting outside. At least (unlike Dawson's Creek) the actors are actually bundled up and it looks like it could be January in the northeast. Julia tries to get Claudia to talk to her again and Claudia is all cold (emotionally, although probably physically as well), saying "I can't, so please stop asking me. Leave me alone." Julia says she won't leave her alone, and that Claudia has to say something. Claudia says that she wants to talk, but she can't, and starts sobbing, saying that she's confused. Julia hugs her. None of the students walking by give them a second glance, even though Claudia is blubbering.
Kirsten is in a hospital bed, and she wakes up. Charlie asks her how she feels, and mentions "Dr. Vasquez, our Latino doctor." Well, he didn't say the "Latino doctor" part, but he might as well have. I really hate these two, so I'm going to summarize even further than usual. The procedure worked, but now Kirsten is scared because she has no excuses NOT to have a baby. Charlie says that she was right the night before, and that he was using excuses to avoid the design expo. Kirsten says he needs to just do it. Charlie says, "What if I can't?" Whew. Scene over.
Holly walks down the street and Bailey the Stalker springs out of the shadows and says that he's not spying on her (even though he totally is). He came to talk. Just to tie it all into the theme, he says that he's scared of losing her, and that he's still getting over his last relationship. He wants to face his fear and be exclusive with her, because hiding from the fear doesn't fix anything. Holly says that he's not over Sarah, especially since her new series is on the brink of cancellation and she could come back at any time. Holly adds that she doesn't want to be his "rebound relationship," and that she thought that if she hung around long enough, time would take care of things. Bailey says it will. Holly says it might, eventually, but she can't take it and it's breaking her heart. Oh, for crying out loud. They have known each other for, like, a month. I don't even want to tell you the rest of this scene. They broke up. There. Holly does leave the door open for a possible return if Jennifer Love Hewitt decides not to come back.
Kirsten wakes up and sees Charlie working on some plans in bed. He tells her that he had a dream about his designs, and it showed him the way to make it work. Whatever.
Julia and Claudia are standing by the side of the road. Claudia asks Julia if it took her a while to trust people after what happened with Ned. Julia says it did. Claudia says she feels like she doesn't know anyone, and can't trust her feelings. A taxi pulls up. The two get in, and Julia asks what happened on her tour. Claudia starts to tell her as the cab pulls away.