Previously on Party of Five: Claudia freaks out when she thinks her Yalie tour guide is stalking her, and then wonders what's wrong with her when she realizes he's not. Gus agrees to let Charlie try making his furniture designs (and didn't they show that same exact clip in last week's "Previously" segment?). Bailey and Holly break up because he needs time to get over Sarah before jumping into another relationship.
Owen and Victor are having a conversation off-camera about whether Owen can wear his basketball uniform to school. Bailey sneaks in the front door and starts walking up the stairs. Just then, Victor, Will and Owen enter the room, so Bailey pretends he was just coming down the stairs instead. Owen is not fooled, since he noticed that Bailey wasn't in his room last night. Bailey says he was out, and Victor adds "at the gym." Will proves he is not the sharpest Crayola in the box by falling for it and asking Bailey why he went to the gym without him. I've said it before and I'll say it again: He is Steve Sanders. Owen asks why Bailey gets to wear the same clothes every day. Then, Owen reminds Bailey about his basketball game, and that his friend Hughley is supposed to spend the night afterwards. What the hell kind of name is Hughley, anyway? No offense to those named Hughley. Bailey pulls Victor aside and asks him to take Owen home after the game because he has to leave early. Victor asks if he has another all-nighter planned, and Victor and Will exchange "Bailey is a bad boy" looks. Bailey says he has dinner plans, and Victor and Owen leave.
Bailey and Will retreat to the kitchen, where Will asks if Bailey has spent the night in his bed once this week. Will continues, "I'm not judging you. I'm jealous." Bailey doesn't answer the question, and instead asks Will about some woman named Deborah. Will says that he and Deborah are taking it slow, plus Deborah's little sister is in town, which is putting a cramp in his so-called style. Bailey suggests that Will bring Deborah and her sister to the restaurant tonight, and Bailey can entertain the little sister so that Will can have some time with Deborah. Will says that the little sister is only eighteen, and thus off-limits to Bailey. ["No kidding, since Bailey is like thirty-eight at this point." -- Wing Chun] Bailey asks whether Will trusts him. Will says something about Bailey's being a "sex pirate" and "hoisting his sail" which doesn't make any sense. What the hell is a sex pirate? I swear, sometimes I think the writers just make words up and then throw them in the script because they know no one is paying attention. Bailey says that Holly was right, and that he needs to get out and relax, and prove to himself that there is more than one person for him. Will asks if that means he has to be with every woman in San Francisco. Bailey says that it might, but then says he's kidding, and hands Will the phone so that he can call Deborah. Will says that he and Deborah are "so close," and I guess he's referring to sex, but I don't see how taking her to Salinger's is going to seal the deal unless there is some sort of love potion on the menu. Bailey tells Will to trust him for about the third time in the last three minutes, so you know Bailey is going to do something bad. Plus, everybody wants to be closer to free.
Charlie is showing his designs to a vendor. The vendor asks for an estimate on how long it takes to deliver the stuff after it is ordered. Charlie hems and haws, mumbling about "custom-made" and such, and Daphne interrupts him because she needs to discuss "the fax to Sao Paolo." Wait, when did Daphne start working there? Are they just throwing plot points out, or am I asleep on the job? Maybe now that they know the show is ending soon, they have to speed everything up, so half of the plot is taking place off-camera. Unfortunately, it's not the good half. Anyway, Charlie brings us up to speed by saying that Daphne is supposed to be helping him prepare for the design convention. He does not, however, mention who is watching Diana, although I guess Daphne's new boyfriend could be, since Charlie gave him the royal nod last week. Daphne says she learned in telemarketing (where she worked like one day) that the first rule of sales is "close the deal," and that he should find out what the customer wants and then promise it. Charlie says he doesn't want to make a promise he can't deliver. Daphne says that he will deliver, but that it might be a little late. She points out that no contractors deliver on time, and that even Charlie's own suppliers are usually late, and that he needs these orders to save the business. Then Daphne walks over to the vendor and asks him if he needs his orders in six weeks. When the vendor hesitates, Daphne promises it in four weeks. Hey, FOX, the writers of Working Girl called and they want their plot back. If Daphne says at any point that she has a head for business and a bod for sin, I'm quitting.
Julia has apparently decided to resume going to classes, and there appear to be no repercussions to the fact that she hasn't attended in about three months. Well, her friend from the Halloween episode is gone, but I doubt that's Julia's fault. But I'm going to blame her anyway. The teacher is talking about "flow" and being creative, and how sometimes you have to just start writing and I'm getting inspired to start the recap but then I look up and see Julia's face and it all comes crashing down. Anyway, the teacher says she wants them to all just start writing on a topic, and the topic is shadow. I swear, I did this writing exercise in the fifth grade, and I think teachers used to pull it out when they wanted a few uninterrupted minutes to do their taxes or something. Anyway, Julia can't bear to have the focus off her for more than a minute so she raises her hand and asks about grammar and syntax and word count, and the teacher ignores her. Everyone else just starts writing, and Julia stares at them. She writes a sentence, then crosses it out. She sees one guy writing like a maniac in the corner. She looks down at her paper, with one crossed-out sentence and about four other words, and just puts her pen down.
Owen is playing basketball. He gets the ball, dribbles and shoots, and misses, and the buzzer sounds to end the game. Victor is standing on the sidelines to Hughley's dad. Instead of asking him what the hell he was thinking with that name, he tells the dad that Hughley looked good out there. Dad says that Hughley needs to work on his defense. Dude, he's like seven years old. He needs to work on learning to tie his shoes and not to eat paste. Victor mentions that Hughley is spending the night and Dad asks if Bailey will be there. Victor says Bailey will be home later, probably after he puts the kids to bed. Dad walks away and starts talking to Owen and Hughley. The cruelest part of the kid being named Hughley is that he's kind of chubby, so you know everyone called him HUGE-ly. Parents really need to think about these things. Anyway, Owen runs up and asks Victor if he can stay at Hughley's house instead. Victor says he thought Hughley was staying with them. Owen says Hughley's dad offered to take them out for pizza and a movie. Victor says that it's really Bailey's decision. Hughley yells to Owen to hurry up. Owen says that if Bailey has a problem with him staying over, he should come get him, and takes off. Victor looks thoughtful.
Julia is walking down the hall and asking prolific writer guy from class why he didn't hand in his piece. He tells her that it stinks. Julia says she knows what he means, and that "really good writing is something you have to sweat over" as they get into the elevator together. Julia suddenly grabs the guy's notebook from under his arm. How rude! She reads it and says that it's great, and asks again why he didn't hand it in. The guy says he thought he could make it better. Julia says that she didn't write anything, and he wrote "two solid pages and it's not that bad." I wonder who died and made Julia the editor of a fiction magazine. Oh, that's right, she's self-appointed. Julia goes on to say that she's "sorry to dump this on [him]," but that she just wrote a book that isn't getting published and now she feels like she has nothing left, and it seems so easy for him, so she's wondering how he does it. The guy seems taken aback, but then says he finds coffee helps because it makes his hand move faster, which makes his head work faster. Also, fried food lubricates his brain. Okay, clearly this guy was not a biology major, since he doesn't have the slightest conception of how digestion works. Julia thinks he is making fun of her, but he insists that he isn't. He says he also tries to stay in a constant state of yearning for "respect, material objects...sex." Julia smiles because she realizes that another fly has stumbled into her web of love. The elevator doors open and Julia asks, "Who's Lane Victory?" which is what it says on the guy's hat. He grabs his hat and says "Good luck with that" while making a quick escape. Julia yells after him to ask his name. Run, prolific writer! She will only suck you dry and then leave you a dried-out husk of your former self! Run, far away!
Claudia grabs a program and starts walking up some steps. Apparently, she is at a concert of some sort. She bumps into the guy from American Pie (not the one who did the thing with the pie, or the jock one -- the short one). He recognizes her, but she doesn't know who he is. He tells her he's Todd Marsh, and that they met at some sort of violin competition long ago. She remembers him now, and asks if he still plays. He says he does, but just session music, while she is the legendary Claudia Salinger. You know, I'm guessing that even in a city the size of San Francisco, the musical youth prodigy clique is not that large, and he probably would have heard that she dropped out. But, he hasn't heard, so she tells him she doesn't play anymore and starts to go back to her seat. He tells her he has an extra ticket, and she agrees to sit with him.
Charlie comes home and tells Kirsten that he kept meaning to call her, because "the wildest thing happened today." Kirsten says she meant to call him too, but she was really busy. Charlie starts telling her about Daphne's sales pitch, but when he looks back, Kirsten is asleep with her head on the table. Or she passed out from malnutrition. I'm not sure which.
At Salinger's, Joe offers coffee to Bailey, Will, Deborah, and the little sister, but they refuse. Little Sister says she read about this great club called "Kingdom Come" and wants to go there. Deborah says she heard it was a "skeevy meat market." Bailey says it's not that bad, so Little Sister asks if he can get them in. Bailey says he can because he knows the owner. Little Sister proposes that Will take Deborah home, and she and Bailey go to the club, and Bailey agrees, and then assures Deborah that her little sister is safe. Bailey and Little Sister leave. Deborah asks Will how long he has known Bailey. Will moves closer to Deborah and says he's known Bailey pretty much his whole life. Deborah says, "I don't like him." Will senses the buzz kill and moves away.
Charlie wakes up to find Kirsten already up and running around the room getting dressed because she's late. She reminds him about a cocktail party that night, and he promises to be there. She starts babbling about something at work, but when she turns around, Charlie has fallen back to sleep.
Claudia is in a recording studio, watching Todd play with an ensemble as part of what the captioning calls a "hip-hop song." They leave the studio, and Todd worries that Claudia thinks he's a hack. Claudia says he looked like he was having fun. Todd says that she could play too, as long as she can sight-read, and as long as she goes out with him. Claudia says, "Sorry?" like she didn't hear him correctly. Todd backpedals and says he wants her to come to a party because the guys he plays with and some bookers are going to be there, and she should meet them. He offers to meet her there so it won't be like a date. Claudia feels more comfortable and says yes. Aw, they are a cute couple.
Julia is at the harbor where prolific writer guy is giving a tour of some ship, and telling a story about a submarine. He sees Julia and immediately dismisses his tour because she takes precedence over history. She says she figured out where he was when she remembered reading about the ship, "Lane Victory," and then reads his nametag, "Adam Matthews." A little girl comes up and asks Adam to take a picture of her family, which he does, but they were all in shadow so it's going to come out just terrible. At some point, Adam reveals that he made up the story he was telling to the tour, and he considers it to be like creative writing. I call it misleading paying customers, and irresponsible, but I'm old. Julia says that she has to create a character for an assignment, and she wants to write about Adam. Adam says that they are supposed to create a character, not write about someone who already exists. Julia says that she couldn't find him in the "face book," and that he didn't hand in his assignment, or tell her his name, or fall immediately and totally in love with her, so he must have a secret: He's not enrolled. Adam walks away, but Julia says she could've called the school, but she wanted to hear the story from him.
Bailey is playing something that looks like "Cool Boarders 2" on the PlayStation. Will asks if he had fun last night, and Bailey says he did. Will pries, "How much fun exactly?" Victor walks in and Bailey runs out to talk to him. Will says that they will discuss it later. Bailey apologizes to Victor because Owen is staying at Hughley's another night, so Victor doesn't need to be there. Victor asks if Hughley's father is the one who called, but Bailey says that Owen did. Victor tells Bailey about what happened at the basketball game with "Stan." Victor says he knows "the vibe," and that "Stan Ward doesn't want his son anywhere near Owen's gay nanny." Bailey says okay, and then gets his coat to go over and get Owen. Victor says that Owen won't understand, but Bailey says he doesn't want Owen to hang around "those people." Victor says it will make things worse, and that Bailey should talk to Owen. Bailey wants to get Owen out of there first, and then he'll talk to him, and tells Victor not to worry about it.
Kirsten is at the cocktail party talking to some doctor type. Charlie pretends to have a clue what their conversation is about, but his phone keeps ringing, so he finally goes off to take the call. Kirsten excuses herself and walks over to tell Charlie to go to work. Charlie says that he should be there with her. Kirsten says that he's not there now, but that it's okay, and that the design convention is a big deal. Charlie leaves.
Claudia and Todd are walking up to her front door. Claudia says she had no idea it would be an audition, but Todd says it was a jam session. Do you have jam sessions with classical instruments? Like, look at me, I'm jamming on this French horn! Dude, watch me rock out on the bassoon! Claudia worries that her pitch was off, but Todd assures her that she has perfect pitch, and says they're going to call her about a film score this week. Claudia can't because she doesn't have enough time to practice. Todd says they don't practice because they don't know what they'll be playing until they get there. Claudia thinks that is horrifying. Todd says it's liberating in a way because you learn how to use your instincts. I love when shows use music as a metaphor for life. Oh wait, no I don't. At least not when they are this obvious. Anyway, Todd leans in for a big smooch, but Claudia breaks it off and runs inside.
Julia and Adam are sitting at a table somewhere, and it comes out that Adam's mother is in Australia, and doesn't offer him any financial support, and that Adam's father died with a lot of debt. Julia says, "Yeah, but did you get married and divorced before you were legal drinking age, and then was your brother an alcoholic, and then did your other brother get cancer, and then did your lover beat you? Huh? Did that happen to you? I win! You must love me now." Okay, she doesn't say that, but she was probably thinking it. Instead, she says that he could get caught taking classes without being enrolled, and that he won't get grades or credit or feedback, and that he could get financial aid and enroll normally. Adam says that people have seen him around so he can't go to the Dean now. Their coffee arrives so Julia quits grilling him for a few minutes. Adam says he knew he wanted to start writing when his dad died and his mom asked him to write the obituary, so he just started making up a bunch of stuff about yodeling and Switzerland. Julia says she knew she wanted to write when the show's writers couldn't think of an interesting storyline that didn't involve someone falling hopelessly in love with her. Anyway, Adam wants to go to classes so that he can be around people who know about writing.
At Salinger's, Joe gets Will a soda and tells him that Bailey will be there any minute. Bailey shows up and goes behind the bar, and Will asks him if he was with Megan. Bailey joins me in saying, "Megan?" Will yells out that Megan is Deborah's little sister, "who [Bailey] had sex with last night!" Then he asks if Bailey knew she was a virgin. Is this really the appropriate setting for the conversation? Bailey says, "No way" and "How was I supposed to know?" and "She was begging me for it" which are all super-lame excuses, but...like I have to tell you that. Will says that Megan is "wrecked" because the first guy she slept with didn't call her the day. Bailey says he's sorry but he said no a hundred times, and Megan was going to go home with somebody. Oh, so to stop her, you had to have sex with her? Bailey, I expect more from you. Will says he asked him not to sleep with her, and wonders what's wrong with Bailey and then stomps out. Bailey stares after him, and then looks at Joe who is giving him a reproachful look too, since he (and the rest of the patrons) clearly heard the whole conversation.
Charlie, at the design expo, is on the phone with Kirsten, asking her when she's going to be there. She says she'll be there as soon as she can. Maybe if these two spent less time on the phone and more time working, they would get done sooner and have more time together. Just a thought. Charlie sees a bunch of men clamoring around a booth so he walks over. He sees Daphne behind the booth and realizes that it's his own designs in which they're interested. In the booth, there's a guy getting his picture taken with two apparently naked women on a bed. Charlie asks Daphne what's going on, but Daphne is too busy taking orders to answer. Finally, she says she had a last-minute idea, so she didn't have time to check with him. Charlie asks if the women in the bed are really naked. Daphne takes a picture of them and asks if Kirsten is coming. Charlie says it's great that there are so many people there, but wonders if this is the image they want to project. Daphne asks him if he brought more order forms because they are out. Charlie says, "We're out?" and more guys get in bed with the naked chicks. Salinger Designs -- the Hooters of the furniture world.
Claudia is practicing out in Griffin's shed. Where the hell is Griffin? Julia walks in and Claudia tells her she's sight-reading. Julia thought Claudia wasn't playing anymore, but Claudia doesn't know. She says, "He said I should trust my instincts, but my instincts are all over the place." Julia picks up on the intimation of a man and says, "He?" Claudia starts telling her about Todd and how great he is, and Julia says that's great. Then Claudia says that he is "so far ahead of [her] that [she]'ll have to move fast to keep up." Julie says that's not great. Then Claudia says she wanted to kiss him, but that she's not ready. Julia says that she can't help her because it's her decision to make. Claudia wonders where her instincts are, because she used to have them. Maybe they're in the basement with Diana, along with my former respect for this show.
Owen is on the floor in his room, and Victor comes in to invite him to the comic book store. Owen says he doesn't want to go, and Victor pulls the "Who are you and what have you done with Owen?" joke. Owen says he's going outside. Victor asks why Owen has been avoiding him. Owen says, "You're a faggot." Ouch! Victor swallows hard and then says, "What?" Owen says, "Hughley said you're a..." and Victor interrupts him to ask him not to say that word again. Victor says he's not yelling at him, and asks if Owen knows what the word means. Owen says no, but he knows it's something bad, because Hughley told him. Victor asks what else Hughley said. Owen says that Hughley told him Victor will "make [him] one too." Victor says he thought Bailey was supposed to talk to Owen to explain. Owen says, "Explain what?" Victor sighs, and then says that "every single person in the world is different." For example, some people like DC Comics and some people like Marvel Comics. Owen jumps in, "I like both!" Victor says that some people do like both, and that people like different things, and "it's not good or bad. It's just what it is." Okay, I know that this speech is not Victor's job, and he was supposedly coming up with it on the spur of the moment, but was that really the best the writers could do? That was the lamest explanation ever. I think the writers should be forced to read Heather Has Two Mommies a hundred times and then try this scene again.
Charlie says that Kirsten is supposed to be at the expo, and Daphne spots her running toward them. Kirsten arrives and says that she's late and that she must have missed it. Daphne says it was a huge success and that Charlie is a "big hoo-ha now." Charlie laughs and walks away, and Kirsten follows him saying she kept trying to get away but she was busy with her project. Charlie says he knows all about her project because he was "at her thing." Kirsten points out that he was taking calls all night. Charlie says that was because he should've been at the expo, but that he knew how important the party was to her, so he found a way to do both. His day went well, and he wanted to share that with her. So they can't go out to dinner afterwards to celebrate? These two need to call me when they've got some real problems, because this one is not cutting it. Anyway, Kirsten says that they are both busy, and Charlie says someone needs to make some concessions and Kirsten asks if he is volunteering and then they stare at each other.
Adam chases after Julia to ask who "Aaron Martin" is. Apparently, that's who she wrote about in her character study, and he's mad that she stole his life and didn't even bother to change the initials. Julia says she changed all kinds of stuff, and starts throwing up examples. Adam says that it doesn't matter because she wrote about his going to school without paying tuition. Julia doesn't see the big deal because only one professor will see it. Adam says that it only takes one professor to notice the "nine hundred similarities" and walks away. Julia runs after him and asks what happened. Adam says that the professor checked up on him and reported him to the President, and now he's done with school.
Victor is cleaning the kitchen when Bailey arrives home and thanks him for staying late. Victor asks whether Bailey got a chance to talk with Owen. Bailey says that he will. Victor says he hopes so, because "Owen was afraid [Victor] was trying to turn him into a faggot" and then says that those are Owen's words, or actually Hughley's words. Bailey apologizes. Victor says that Owen didn't even know what the word meant, but knew that he didn't want to be one. Bailey asks what Victor told Owen, and Victor says that he told Owen the truth and that he seems okay with it. But Victor wasn't supposed to have that conversation in the first place. Then I high-five Victor because he says, "I'm not his parent, Bailey." Thank you, someone, for finally noticing. Victor goes on to say that if he is just there to make it easier for Bailey not to be there, then Victor should leave. He adds that he cares about Owen, and that Owen cares about him, but that Owen needs Bailey. Woo hoo! Victor is my boyfriend.
Julia catches up with Adam again, and tells him he might be able to stay. Adam says that isn't true according to the President. Julia says she knows someone on the board (Evan?), and got him to read Adam's stuff, and that he said if Adam fills out an application, they might have a spot for him. Adam says he can't spell. I have to say, that it possibly the lamest excuse to not apply to college I have ever heard. Half the people I know can't spell. It's called a dictionary. Buy one. Julia says that she will proof his essays for him, so he'll just have to get his high school transcript. Adam says he never finished high school, and that's why his grammar and spelling are so terrible. I know a lot of people who did finish high school, and college, and even did post-graduate work, and they can't spell and have poor grammar, but I guess if you're going to be a writer, that might be kind of important. Julia says he can do it anyway, but he asks her to leave him alone.
Owen sees Bailey playing basketball out back, and wonders where Victor is. Bailey says he, and not Victor, is going to practice with Owen, which makes Owen happy. Before they start playing, Bailey apologizes for not being around, but that he's been dealing with a lot of stuff since Sarah left, and it's been distracting. Owen says, "Stuff? What stuff?" Bailey says it's nothing, but that he wants Owen to know that Owen is important to him, even if he does lock him in the basement for weeks at a time. Owen seems okay with that, and takes the ball. Then they shoot hoops, except the hoop is like twenty feet in the air. You know when they play MTV Rock and Jock Basketball, and they have the special hoop that is worth fifty points, and Dan Cortese always tries and fails to make a basket in there? That's how high this hoop was.
Todd shows up at an outdoor café with Claudia. Claudia thanks him for coming and then they both say, "About the other night..." at the same time. Todd goes first, and says that he can't keep doing this because he's going to mess up eventually. Claudia looks confused, so Todd tells her that his little sister dresses him, and that he's not as cool as he's been pretending to be. He says that between "work and school and extracurrics," he's never had time to have a girlfriend. Seriously, "extracurrics" is not a word. Just because they've used it twice this season doesn't make it so. This is another example of made-up stuff the writers throw in there to reward me for watching the show until the final segment, I think. Anyway, Todd figures she could tell he was a geek by his "ultra-lame kiss," but he saw her and thought he might have a second chance with her, and he didn't want to blow it by being himself. Claudia looks happy to hear that he isn't as far ahead of her as she thought, and tells him that she wanted to know if he could get her into that film score gig because "band geeks have to stick together."
Adam is giving a tour on that ship and Julia shows up again. Seriously, he could have her arrested for stalking at this point. He sees Julia and dismisses his tour. Julia says he's not being fair to himself, because he can get a G.E.D., and she'll help him with his spelling and grammar. Adam says, "No, thanks. You've really done plenty for me already." Ha! Julia asks him what he's afraid of, and he says, "Free therapy!" Julia implies that he gave up when he found out that his writing would be judged if he enrolled. Adam says that she was the one who was afraid, because she didn't want to try something new, so she wrote about him instead. Then he agrees to apply to school if Julia will face her issues. Julia says, "This isn't about me." Mark it down on your calendars, because for the first time in her life, Julia has admitted that it is not, in fact, about her. Adam says that if she feels that way, they are done talking. Julia says that she will deal with her alleged issues. Adam tells her to get up on a deck, and then tells the crowd that Julia has just returned from a decommissioned frigate in Seattle, and is there to talk to them about it. Julia protests, but then she makes up some really lame stories about frigate history. Probably those kids on the tour are going to go back to school and use these "historical facts" in an essay, and flunk out, and it will all be Julia's and Adam's fault.
Charlie calls Kirsten at work. He wants to talk about the other night, and says they have to find a way to "stay connected." That's about all I can say about this scene, because the rest of it involves "red satin lingerie" and "ripping it off with your teeth" and I can't stomach it.
Bailey walks into the kitchen and starts clearing it up. He turns on the radio and then goes into the fridge and gets a beer. He continues to clear up the kitchen, and take long swigs from the beer bottle, which is totally foaming over on the counter, like wouldn't have get a paper towel or something? But he's Bailey, the drinking man, and he doesn't care about anything!