Previously on Party of Five: Julia told Evan that their relationship was "too much work" and ended it. Bailey felt that his relationship with Holly was becoming too intense. Charlie wanted to design furniture instead of teach. Claudia decided to pretend that her assault never happened.
Julia, Bailey, Claudia and Owen are taking down the Christmas tree. Julia can't believe that Bailey is going to spend the millennial New Year's Eve at a stranger's wedding. Hey, isn't it nearly two weeks after New Year's? What a timely episode! Bailey says that it's not a stranger -- it's Holly's cousin. Claudia points out that it's not the millennium. Julia says, "Nobody likes a math geek, Scully." Actually, she totally dismissed Claudia, as per usual on this show. After denigrating Bailey's plans, Julia reveals her exciting engagement: watching the proceedings on television with Griffin, Claudia and Owen. Claudia says that she plans to sleep through it. Bailey keeps getting all defensive, saying that he and Holly are casual and that the wedding is no big deal -- it's like a party. Julia says that a wedding is not just a party, and Claudia adds that Bailey will be part of a "permanent, photographic record" for Holly's family. Julia continues meddling in Bailey's business by saying that a wedding has a special meaning to women: "In girlspeak, it's Commitment with a capital C." Thanks for that language lesson, Carol Gilligan. Bailey continues to disagree and asks Owen what he is doing. Owen is trying to take the string of lights off the tree, and Bailey says, "I'm all tangled up here. Get me outta this." Julia and Claudia give the look of Obvious Metaphor for Bailey and Holly's Relationship and then everybody wants to be free, but especially Bailey.
Kirsten arrives home to see that Charlie has made dinner. Charlie says that he has good news, but before he can get it out, Kirsten starts going on and on about what a terrible day she had. Finally, she realizes how self-absorbed this monologue is, and asks about Charlie's good news. Understandably, Charlie has had the wind taken out of his sails a bit. Charlie says that he got a promotion at work. Rather than let him tell her about it, Kirsten starts barraging him with questions. She thought he hated the job. Charlie says he doesn't hate it, but he sometimes hates being on the assembly line. Kirsten asks if he's still on the assembly line. Charlie says he is, but that he's going to be a supervisor. Kirsten asks if the promotion means a lot more money. Charlie says it means a little more money. Kirsten asks if it means shorter hours. Charlie says that it actually means longer hours. Now that Kirsten has totally negated any joy that Charlie might have about his promotion, she wonders why he even wants this job. Charlie says it offers him a chance to move up in the company, with the ultimate goal of getting his designs made someday. Kirsten apologizes for being so down about Charlie's good news.
Julia and Griffin are working on the books for Griffin's business. For some reason, Griffin has a protractor attached to his cast. I'm not sure how that is going to help him write. Anyway, Julia asks why all of Griffin's customers have names like pets, and she throws out the example of "Stinky." Griffin gets frustrated and says he doesn't want to continue with the books. Julia points out that they are almost finished. All they have left is "Stinky to Zippo." Julia the psychologist says that Griffin doesn't want to try because it means he might actually succeed. The phone rings and Julia digs through all the papers to find it. Griffin tells her to let the machine pick it up, but Julia says she is waiting for a call from her new editor. Griffin spears the phone with his protractor and hands it to Julia. Apparently, Julia's appointment with the editor is cancelled, and she can't get another one until March. After she hangs up the phone, she lays out the exposition for Griffin and the audience -- Evan dumped her book when they broke up, so he passed her book on to another editor. Now she doesn't even know if she will be published, and her new editor is dodging her calls. Okay, reality check time. If the book has already been announced at a sales conference (as we saw in a episode), the book is going to be published unless something drastic happens, like a lawsuit or the death of the author or the publisher's going bankrupt. Right after the sales conference, the buyers for the bookstores will place their orders for the book, so it is not likely that the publisher would then just pass the book off to someone else. Reality check over -- back to Party Of Five world. Julia says she can't just barge into her new editor's office, even though she did exactly that with Evan. I guess you're only allowed to barge into your editor's office if you want to do him. Griffin throws Julia's earlier advice back at her -- that maybe she doesn't want to try because she might actually succeed. Then he pokes her with his protractor.
Bailey comes into Claudia's bedroom and asks for her help with some errands. She asks why he can't get someone else to help, and he says Victor is off this week and Julia can't help because she is with Griffin and his protractor. I don't know why that means she can't help, but I'm just reporting what Bailey said. Bailey lists off the errands that need to be done, including taking Thurber (the basement-dwelling dog) to the vet. Claudia asks why Thurber has to go to the vet, and Bailey says he's been lying around a lot lately, and he didn't even eat a piece of bacon when it fell on his nose. Claudia says she has to finish her test and get it in the mail. Bailey asks why she's taking the test that means you finished high school, and Claudia tells him she's decided to skip her senior year and go right to college. Bailey asks her why she suddenly wants out so bad. I would like to take this opportunity to ask the writers to make some long-term plans for Claudia instead of jerking her character around every week on a whim. First, she wants to go away to boarding school. Then she wants to come home. Now she wants to go away again, with no reference to the fact that she already went away to school once and it didn't work out. Wouldn't it make sense for Bailey to bring that up here? Anyway, Claudia says she's sick of high school and all the gossip and cliques. Bailey asks why they haven't discussed this and Claudia says, "We just did." Meanwhile, they still haven't established who will take Thurber to the vet.
Julia exits an office building where Griffin is waiting for her. Julia's hair is growing out a little bit and it's looking somewhat better, but still not great. Julia says that she missed the editor by twenty minutes. Griffin suggests they try to find her, but Julia doesn't see how they can. Griffin reveals that he made a friend while smoking, who told him that "Elaine" (Julia's editor) won't make any decisions without consulting a tarot card reader first. Sounds like a reasonable way to make business decisions.["I once worked for an editor who not only made book decisions based on tarot readings, but also did readings for others. True story. -- Wing Chun] Anyway, this smoker overheard Elaine making an appointment for a reading the day on Union Street. Griffin suggests that Julia arrange to bump into Elaine, since if she's so superstitious maybe she will see it as a sign that she should publish Julia's book. Griffin wants to come with her, since he doesn't have anything better to do. If they are going to continue to pay Jeremy London to be on this show, I wish they would come up with a better storyline than "Griffin follows Julia around some more."
Bailey and Holly are at a counter in a store, picking out the gift wrap for their wedding gift. The woman behind the counter gives them like ten choices for each step. There are ten kinds of wrapping paper, ten kinds of ribbons, etc. Holly picks up a card, and wonders if she should sign it from both of them. They ask the gift wrap lady what she thinks. The gift wrap lady lists off some possible categories their relationship could be in, like "Seeing each other, dating, exclusive, pre-engaged, engaged, married." Bailey and Holly stammer that they haven't really labeled their relationship yet. The gift wrap lady leaves to let them discuss their status. How messed up is it that they are having this conversation with the gift wrap lady? Anyway, Holly asks in a very convoluted way whether they should be exclusive. Bailey hems and haws and takes off his coat because it's really hot in there. He never does answer the question, but he does agree to sign the card as a couple, whatever that means.
Charlie is showing his furniture designs to Gus, his boss at the furniture factory. Charlie says he already lined up some potential customers for these chairs he designed, but that they need to see a prototype before placing an order. Gus says that Charlie will sell a lot of those chairs, and that he needs the right person to make them. Charlie asks Gus, "What about you?" Gus laughs and says that Charlie reminds him of himself, but doesn't answer the question. Charlie tries to persuade Gus to make the chairs. Gus reveals that he can't afford to start a new product line, and that in fact the business is on the verge of going under, so he's not able to help Charlie, even though the designs are good. Maybe it's time for Charlie to go back to teaching, a career he seems to have abandoned mid-school year.
At the wedding, Bailey is going through the receiving line and some old guy recognizes him as Holly's boyfriend. Holly rushes up and apologizes for ditching him, but there was a bit of a wedding cake emergency that only she could handle for some reason. She needs her cousin Jane, a chef, to bake a new wedding cake. Bailey is pressed into duty to prop up Holly's elderly aunt, who has forgotten her cane. The aunt proceeds to introduce Bailey to someone as "Barry Salinder, Holly's boyfriend." Bailey corrects her. She introduces him to the person as "Barry Salinger, Holly's fiancé," and Bailey corrects her again. She introduces him to the person as "Bailey Salinger, Holly's husband," and Bailey doesn't even try to correct her.
Julia and Griffin are at one of the tarot card reader's places. Trudy, the receptionist, greets them. Griffin goes into the back to see if Editor Elaine is there. Does he even know what she looks like? What's he going to do, bust in and say, "Are you Elaine?" Do most tarot card readers have receptionists? Julia strikes up a conversation with Trudy, who says that she can tell Julia is a skeptic. Trudy says her boss thinks she has the gift, but she's skeptical herself. Julia invites Trudy to practice on her, like you didn't know the minute they mentioned tarot cards that Julia was going to end up getting a reading. Trudy tells Julia to think of a question and starts to lay out the cards. Trudy tries and fails to guess what Julia is wondering about, and then realizes she has put the cards upside down. Once she fixes that, she gets more accurate, saying that Julia is wondering about her work, and that she's a writer. She gets stuck on the Hermit card, and tells Julia that either means she could find her answers by herself, looking inward, or at a gathering, looking outward. Julia points out that those are opposites, and asks Trudy to pick which is the right one. Just then, Griffin comes out and says that he got the address of a party Elaine is attending. Trudy says she was going to choose "gathering" as Julia and Griffin rush out. I would like to point out, as someone who has read Tarot cards before, that it shouldn't be that hard to figure out which thing the card means - it all depends on the position of the card. But I digress.
Claudia has opened up the basement doors and let Diana, Owen and Thurber out. Claudia is warming up a bottle in the microwave for Diana, and she yells to Owen that they need to get going. Owen comes in and says that Thurber won't come. Claudia tells him distractedly to drag Thurber over, and starts looking through her application paperwork. Owen comes back and says that Thurber just threw up. Claudia follows him to where Thurber is lying down, looking the same as he always does. I guess you can't expect a dog to act sick on command.
Kirsten and Charlie are at a New Year's dinner, and they are discussing Charlie's boss. Kirsten keeps saying that the boss has to try new things or he will definitely go out of business. Charlie agrees with her, but says there's not a lot he can do to change the mind of his boss. They continue to bicker, and it is revealed that Daphne is also sitting at the table. Daphne keeps trying to get their attention, but they just ignore her because they are completely self-absorbed. Finally, Daphne yells at them to stop it because it's not fun to listen to them, and her new boyfriend Luke is coming to meet them. Charlie and Kirsten apologize. Daphne is nervous about whether Charlie and Kirsten will like her boyfriend. Luke shows up, in an unidentified military uniform, and Daphne introduces him. Aw, he calls Charlie and Kirsten "sir" and "ma'am." That's endearing. Then Daphne and Luke start kissing and Charlie and Kirsten exchange a look. I'm not sure what that look was supposed to mean. Maybe, "Isn't it weird that we are sitting here watching the mother of Charlie's child make out with her new boyfriend?" Or maybe not.
Bailey is still hooked onto the elderly aunt, who is babbling about Regis Philbin. Bailey snares a guy who is passing by to take his place. The old guy from the receiving line grabs Bailey and insists that he get in the family photo. Holly apologizes, and asks Bailey to humor them. Just before the picture is taken, the old guy says to Bailey, "This will be you and Holly a year from now if she has her way, huh?" while the song "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang plays in the background. I must point out that this is the most realistic depiction of a wedding reception I have seen on television, from the overbearing family to the musical selections. The picture is taken, but neither Bailey nor Holly smiles at all.
Julia spots Elaine Editor sitting on a couch and fakes a chance meeting, and introduces herself. Elaine Editor totally busts her, since it happens to be her own party and she knows that Julia is not on the guest list. D'oh! Julia asks why she's been dodging her calls. The editor pulls out a magazine (that just happened to be sitting right there) and shows Julia a story about a book being published that tells essentially the same story as Julia's did. The editor reveals that the other author was signed two weeks before Julia was. Julia doesn't get it, and asks if the other book is better than hers. The editor says that it's not necessarily better, but it's too similar. Julia says that hers is different because it's HER story. Maybe Julia could love herself a little bit more. The editor says that Julia just missed her moment. It was nice of her to keep from mentioning that Julia is unoriginal and a terrible writer to boot.
Back at the wedding, it's time for the bouquet toss. I would like to add that this is the most hated part of the wedding reception for me. At one friend's wedding, I literally hid under the table to avoid it. At another's, I tried to hide in the bathroom, but the bride got on the microphone and paged me to the dance floor, which was even more humiliating, since everyone saw me run out of the ladies' room to shut her up. But I digress. All the women gather and the bride tosses the bouquet, and we switch to slow motion, so you know something awful is going to happen. Holly is right in the front row and she barely puts her hands up, so you know she really doesn't want to be the one to catch the bouquet. The flowers go sailing over everyone's head and right into Bailey's hands. Everyone turns and stares at him. He looks at Holly. The DJ says something. Obviously, the classy thing to do would be to either hand them to Holly, or hand them back to the bride and suggest she try again. Instead, he just hucks them and the flowers skid to a halt on the empty dance floor, as the music stops and everyone stares. Holly looks upset and leaves.
Owen, Diana and Claudia are at the vet. What vet is open for non-emergency appointments on New Year's Eve? Anyway, the vet comes out and says that Thurber has contracted emphysema from living in the basement for so many years, and that he shows signs of neglect. Actually, the vet says that Thurber is very sick and that they have to make some difficult decisions, so Claudia should call her family. How wrong is it that Claudia is left to take care of two children and the dog all by herself, when she barely has her drivers' license?
Holly is sitting in the kitchen of the reception hall, and Bailey approaches her while eating a piece of cake. He makes a comment about how amazing it is that her cousin baked the cake in two hours. Holly gets up and leaves, obviously upset. Bailey goes after her. Holly reveals that she's mad about the bouquet thing. Bailey feels like throwing the bouquet to Holly would have been like setting a wedding date to her family. Holly objects and Bailey says that it doesn't matter because they all think it anyway. Holly says her family is just happy that she "found someone nice." Bailey objects that the words "found someone" sound so final. Instead of calling him a loser and walking away, Holly says that they are just words and what matters is their relationship and how they feel, and she "thought they felt really good." There's a double entendre there, but I'm not going to pursue it. Just then, Bailey's phone rings and it's Claudia telling him about Thurber. Bailey tells Holly that his dog is sick, but since he's never mentioned a dog before, and she's never seen a dog at their house, she doesn't believe him. Obviously, her tour of the house didn't include the basement. Bailey tells her he has to go, and Holly tells him to just leave.
At the dinner table, Kirsten is talking about her work to Luke, and how it's about "little girls." Daphne says, "Speaking of little girls," and I think she's going to say that she's going to call and check on her daughter, but instead she says she's going to the little girls' room. So much for motherhood. After Daphne leaves, Luke starts to talk to Charlie and Kirsten about his intentions, since where he comes from, a man is supposed to sit down with his girlfriend's family and discuss intentions. Kirsten and Charlie protest that they are not Daphne's family. How mean is that? Of course they are! They are really two of the most self-absorbed characters on television. Charlie says that they are not in a position to give their blessing to the relationship. Kirsten asks what Luke would do if they didn't give their blessing. Luke, who is clearly not the sharpest knife in the drawer, says he doesn't know. Kirsten then gives this lengthy speech about how Luke would stay with Daphne, and try to change her family's mind, or find some other way. I guess she was supposed to be talking to Charlie about his work situation, but it came off like she's really bossy. Like, who is she to tell Luke how to treat Daphne? She just got through saying how she's not Daphne's family.
The vet tells Bailey and Claudia that Thurber's kidneys are failing. Bailey asks if there's anything they can do. The vet says they could try dialysis, but that they would only be postponing the inevitable, and there is little chance for recovery. I would like to point out that my cat had the beginnings of kidney failure, but because I take her to the vet more than once per decade, we caught it in the early stages and she has responded well to treatment. I'm just saying. Bailey asks if they can wait to make a decision, but Claudia says they know what they have to do. Bailey says that he wants to get a hold of Charlie and Julia first. The vet says they can wait, but that Thurber is in a lot of pain. Claudia says she can't even look at her dog, because he is hurting so much, and that if they went with the dialysis it would be for them, not Thurber. Why is Claude the wisest person on the show? ["Maybe she just realized that after obliging her family to pay for Griffin's surgery, she overstepped her bounds, and doesn't want to make the same mistake again." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Bailey continues to call his siblings without luck. Then he bends down and talks to Thurber, and I will admit that I teared up a little, but just because I love animals. Bailey asks the vet if they should "put him down." The vet says, "Duh! What do you think we've been talking about here. Why am I wasting my millennial New Year's Eve with you idiots? If you had paid even the slightest bit of attention to this dog, maybe something could have been done. I should do the world a favor and put YOU down." Actually, the vet just nodded, but I have a rich fantasy life.
Griffin and Julia arrive home and Griffin asks if they should "watch the millennium on TV." I think he means watch the millennial celebrations. I'm not sure how you would watch the millennium. But we've already established that Griffin is not quite a brain trust. Julia says she's just going to go to bed and read about the celebrations the day. She plays her answering machine messages, and there's one from Claudia telling her about Thurber, and saying that if she wants to say goodbye, she should get to the vet's office before midnight. Griffin says that she might not have time to make it, but Julia says she has to try. Griffin comes with her.
Charlie and Kirsten arrive at a party at the furniture warehouse, I guess. Kirsten points out how expensive the party must be, especially for a business that is nearly going under. Then, because they can't let a whole episode go by without reiterating that Kirsten actually does eat, contrary to her appearance, she yells out, "Ooh, shrimp!" and takes off. Gus the boss comes up to Charlie and encourages him to party it up. Gus seems to have been partaking of what Matt from The Real World would call "adult beverages." Charlie asks Gus how much the party cost. Gus says that his employees deserve a reward for their hard work. Charlie says that they also deserve a place to work in a month. Gus reads my mind and asks Charlie where he gets off telling him how to run his business. Charlie says he doesn't want to be a foreman anymore, because he doesn't want to tell everyone that they're losing their jobs. If Charlie was smart, he would just wait until the business goes under, and then buy it at a really cheap price and run it himself.
Julia and Griffin are stuck in a cab driven by Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid. I swear to God, I think that was him. Mr. Miyagi tells them that he doesn't understand what all the fuss is about, since most of the world isn't even on the same calendar as the United States. Griffin spots some fireworks and says that they are "perfect." Julia is brooding because she didn't find the answer to her question at the party, like the tarot card reader said she would, and now she can't get to see Thurber, so maybe her answer is "give it up already." I can see her point, because it's not like every writer in the world doesn't get rejected by publications, usually numerous times, before becoming a success. Oh, except that they do, and she should just get over herself.
Claudia suggests to Bailey that they not tell Owen about the dog. Bailey doesn't want to lie. Claudia suggests that they make up some story about an animal hospital or a dog farm to tell Owen. Bailey points out that Owen wouldn't buy it, and would have all sorts of questions they couldn't answer. Claudia says that Owen is only six, and asks if they can't "spare him this. Why does everything bad that happens have to be out in the open?" Bailey just stares at her, and then asks her what she's talking about. Claudia says she wants to let Owen be young a little longer, but Bailey wants to give Owen a chance to say goodbye. They enter the waiting room where Owen is feeding Diana. If they really want to give Owen a chance to be young a little longer, they wouldn't saddle him with the adult responsibility of watching over his infant niece, don't you think? Anyway, Bailey starts to explain about Thurber as we fade out.
The whole family (minus Daphne, who apparently isn't part of the family anyway) is standing in a park. Bailey says that this park was Thurber's "favorite place in the whole world" and asks if anyone wants to say anything. I like how they're pretending that any one of them ever took Thurber outside. Julia says that there's a nice view. Owen says that it's sad and he wishes Thurber was there. Bailey says, "Who says he's not?" Owen points out that Bailey is holding his ashes. Oh, the things that kids say! Then they all start talking about the different parts of the park that Thurber would love to be in, but it's really stupid so I'm not going to transcribe it. Owen suggests spreading his ashes everywhere. Then they all take a handful of doggy ashes. Call me squeamish, but that's a little gross. They each start spreading ashes around, and Claudia walks over to a tree where she pours out the ashes and cries.
Charlie goes to see Gus in his office. Gus hopes that Charlie wasn't serious about giving up his job, and admits that he shouldn't have spent so much money on the party. Charlie asks about the new designs, and explains that he needs his work to be about the future. Gus asks if Charlie can lay out the costs on paper, and they will try to make the new designs. Then there is a really pointless and long shot of the two men shaking hands, like "It's a deal!"
Holly shows up with flowers for Bailey and says she's sorry about his dog. Bailey says that he's sorry about the bouquet incident. He pulls one flower out of the bouquet and asks Holly, "How about one at a time?" like that's supposed to mean something and he can't just say, "I just ended a long-term relationship and I'd like to take it slow" but instead has to employ some sort of mixed flower metaphor. Holly is with me on this one, and asks what it means. Bailey says he wants to be with her, and not know what the future is, and they kiss. Holly says she'll see him "whenever," and looks really sad, and leaves. What was that about? I feel so unresolved. Nah, actually I don't really care.
The whole family (again, minus Daphne, the non-family member) eats pizza in the living room, and argue about who had the worst New Year's Eve. Julia says she and Griffin were stuck in a cab. Kirsten says that at least they got to see fireworks. Dude, you got free shrimp! What are you complaining about! Claudia raises her hand and says, "Excuse me! Animal hospital watching my pet be put down." They agree that Claudia wins, but no one mentions that Bailey and Owen were there too. Claudia is depressed that they missed "the biggest moment ever." Julia reminds Claudia that she had been planning to miss it, but Claudia says she was kidding herself. Julia says that the world shouldn't decide her moment - she should. Get it? Because the editor told her she missed her moment? Oh, this show is so subtle. Claudia says, "Y2K -- not a Salinger holiday," as if the whole year is a holiday. Suddenly, Charlie starts counting down and everyone joins in (even Claudia), and it's the stupidest ending ever!