Previously on Party of Five: Stephanie Tanner brought a printout of a web page to school, and it said mean stuff. Claudia "Nancy Drew" Salinger figured out that Cameron wrote the mean stuff. Kirsten wanted to have a baby with Charlie. Julia needed Evan's help with her book. Sarah went to New York City for a short trip (which could turn out to be true if Time Of Your Life continues to suck as hard as the first episode did) and promised to call Bailey every minute.
Victor is apparently going to be Owen's nanny now too. He tries to tell Bailey about his parenting philosophy, which basically boils down to "whatever the client wants." Owen steals Claudia's bagel. Bailey tries to clean up the kitchen. It's chaotic. Bailey says that Owen can't go trick-or-treating because there might be sharp things in the candy. Lighten up, man! If you're really worried, take the candy to the hospital and have it x-rayed. Although I always suspected that the radiation exposure was more harmful than a possible straight pin, but I digress. Victor suggests they make a haunted house instead. Bailey says they can't because he needs to clean up the house for when Sarah comes back "any day now." As long as "any day now" means "when her show gets canceled," he's right. The phone rings. Claudia answers it and it's Alexa. Bailey follows her around and bugs her to get off the phone in case Sarah is trying to call. Owen tells Victor that none of his nannies last for more than a couple of days. Victor rolls his eyes. Everybody wants to be closer to free.
Evan is crossing out line after line of Julia's writing. She protests and he spouts clichés about writing that I heard from my high school English teacher. She says that he's not just editing some writing -- it's her life. I think she really needs to get some distance from her writing if she wants to go anywhere as a writer. Evan ignores her and keeps crossing things out. Julia tells him that their conversations are always about work, and he says he's got a deadline. I don't know why she's still there -- clearly, he doesn't need her around for this part. She says that they never have human interaction, like talking or telling a joke. He stops and says he doesn't know any jokes, and asks if she does. She says, "Not really." He edits some more. At this point, he has crossed out practically the whole page.
Bailey is standing on the street, talking on his cell phone. He asks Owen if Sarah called. He spots his friend Will and gets off the phone to go say hello. Bailey hugs Will and asks when he got into town. Will says he's been there for a few weeks or maybe a month, and he was going to call when he got settled in his new job. Bailey asks what happened to going to college. Will says that he's taking a year off and working for the Wrestling Federation. He actually says he's doing an internship, but that kind of implies that he's getting school credit, doesn't it? And since he just said he's taking a year off from college, I'm going to just say that he works there. I prefer to make fine distinctions like that. ["I don't know how it works at the Wrestling Federation, but when I worked at a Canadian magazine, we had people who worked for a pittance and didn't get school credit, and we called them interns. But of course it could work differently in the U.S. I'm just sayin'." -- Wing Chun] Bailey asks if Will went to college to intern for wrestling, and he says "wrestling" as if it makes him physically ill. I would like to direct Bailey's attention to the fact that the WWF just completed a successful IPO. Surely he, as a businessman, can appreciate that. ["Also, back when Bailey was an alcoholic, wasn't he on the wrestling team? What a hypocrite!" -- Wing Chun] Will says that his parents reacted as Bailey did, and that he wasn't sure if Bailey would want to hear from him. If memory serves, the last time we saw Will was last season when he got his girlfriend pregnant and was pressuring her to have an abortion. Bailey says, "You're my...we go back a long way!" He asks Will to get coffee, but Will has to do a pickup at the airport. Bailey agrees to call him at his parents' house. Will gets into his car and suddenly Bailey slides into the passenger seat. Will asks what's going on and Bailey says it should only take an hour to get to the airport and back, and he has an hour free.
Charlie is helping some kid in shop class when Kirsten shows up with coffee and asks if he's free. Do they just let anyone walk into school these days? Charlie has a Homer moment: "Mmm, bear claws." Kirsten says she has some information about "starting...expanding our family." I'm glad someone remembered Owen and Diana. Charlie pulls out a manila envelope and says he has some information too. Kirsten starts looking through it and it's all about adoption. Kirsten says she's glad Charlie is behind this, but wouldn't having one of their own be better than adopting? Charlie says it would, but that's not going to happen. Kirsten starts babbling about how fertility treatment has come a long way blah blah endometriosis blah blah in-vitro blah blah fishcakes (tm Sars). Charlie looks overwhelmed but agrees to try. Kirsten tells him she has an appointment with a specialist at 3 PM and asks if he can come with her. He says yes.
Claudia is reading from www.meanstuffaboutClaude'sfriends.com to Lex and Cameron. It says mean things about Lex, specifically that she has exclusive parties and cares more about shopping than studying. Lex says, "He's saying I'm completely superficial!" Cameron suggests that she skip the mall this weekend. Lex says she won't stop being herself to make this guy happy. Claudia suggests that nothing would make this guy happy and looks at Cameron real hard.
Griffin walks into the kitchen and drinks orange juice out of the carton. Victor is totally checking him out as the camera pans from Griffin's head down to about his waist. I was wondering why Griffin was still on the show, and clearly he's there to be the beefcake. I'm cool with that. Victor asks who he is. Griffin says, "You the new nanny? I'm Griffin. I rent the shed out back for my business. Good luck." Griffin leaves. Owen comes in and says he asked Claudia about the haunted house and she said it was okay with her. Julia said she doesn't care. Victor asks what Bailey said, and Owen says they make decisions by majority rule, and it's 3-1 in favor of the haunted house. Victor reluctantly agrees but says that Owen has to be willing to accept the consequences of the party. After a painful analogy involving coconuts, Owen understands the concept of consequences and agrees to accept the fallout from making the haunted house.
Julia runs and catches up with Isabel, who appears to be leaving class. Isabel asks Julia to stop missing class so she won't have to spend so much time denying rumors. Julia says she was with Evan and then asks what Isabel means by rumors. Isabel says people are saying that Julia "got the deal on her back, and the book ain't the only thing Evan wants between covers." Julia acts all insulted and insists that Evan is old and she works for him. Isabel says that they are "a cliché, obvious. You've both got looks. You've both got brains. You've got matching joneses for books." Julia denies it some more and says that Evan's "not interested in me and I...feel the same". Isabel seems convinced and is ready to drop it. Julia won't let it go and keeps talking and talking about Evan until Isabel kind of raises her eyebrow as if to say, "You're just proving me right." Julia says it doesn't prove that she interested. Isabel says, "I didn't say anything!" This storyline could not be more contrived. Really, protesting your interest as sign of actual interest has been done to death.
Will and Bailey are at the airport. Instead of having a sign with the guy's real name, Will is holding a sign that says, "Mr. Mayhem." The aforementioned Mr. Mayhem arrives. He's gigantic. Will introduces him to Bailey, and Mr. Mayhem says, "Walnut Creek." They all get in the car and Bailey is worried that Mayhem said, "Walnut Creek." Will protests that Mayhem is supposed to go to the city to meet with Publicity. Mayhem says he wants to see his wife in Walnut Creek, and gives the address and directions. Wrestlers are so helpful. Bailey argues with Will, saying he doesn't have time to go to Walnut Creek. Will doesn't want to be the bearer of bad news to Mayhem. Bailey suggests to Mayhem that he use Bailey's phone to call his wife and have her meet them in the city. Mayhem says no and takes the phone. He asks if Bailey has a problem with that, and then throws the phone out the window and locks the door so Bailey can't go get it. Forget what I said earlier about him being helpful.
Mr. Mayhem is pacing in front of a house and Bailey asks what he's doing. Will says he's checking to see if his wife is home and Bailey suggests he try the doorbell. Will says that "things are dicey between Mayhem and Isis since the whole Monstra thing." He explains that Monstra put the moves on Mayhem and Isis caught them. I think I'd rather watch that show than this one! Sign me up. Bailey asks Will if any part of that is real and Will says it is. Bailey says he is stranded with Will and "no pay phone, no cell phone, while someone named Mayhem works out his issues with Isis and Monstra!" Will asks Bailey to roll with it. Bailey talks about all the things he's missing while he's there. Will tells him maybe he needs to take a vacation from "the middle-aged Bailey thing and cut loose." Thank you! Bailey says that he's "sorry he's not all jiggy to be running around with you on your teenage thrill ride." Mayhem wants to hoist Bailey up to the balcony to get into the house, but Bailey refuses. A few minutes later, we see Bailey flying up to the balcony. Scott Wolf did a good job with this whole subplot, I thought. It was funny when he said "jiggy."
Julia walks into Stilman Press. Evan is laughing with a woman. As Julia approaches, he says that she missed him telling a joke and takes her elbow to lead her into his office. Julia glances at his hand on her elbow. As they get into his office, he puts his hand on her arm and she looks at that too. While he continues to babble, she totally checks out his crotch. Ha! Finally, he asks if she's busy tonight because he has tickets to some Hallowe'en fundraiser costume ball. She thinks he's asking her out on a date and gets all nervous. Evan says that the reason he has extra tickets is that his date wants a quiet dinner instead. Julia realizes she misunderstood and takes the tickets. As much as Neve Campbell generally annoys me, I thought she did a good job portraying someone who has suddenly realized they might be interested in someone else, especially the hypersensitivity-to-touch part.
Claudia talks to Cameron at school. Cameron says that Lex mentioned the haunted house. Claudia tells him he could "come as Harry Houdini -- master of illusions." I bet if this were last season, she would've said "Linda Tripp -- betrayer of friends." Cameron says he knows the website bugs her. Claudia says he should talk to Alexa instead of posting mean things on his website. Cameron says Lex is obsessed with her looks. Claudia shouts, "She's a girl!" and Cameron protests that Claudia isn't like that. Uh-oh, I think someone has a little crush on Claude! She retorts, "I'm not your girlfriend and Alexa deserves better than anonymous advice on the Internet." Cameron says he's just trying to help her. Claudia says that he's really original (he is?) and Lex doesn't know and that he should be himself. I don't get where Cameron, Mr. Turtleneck Sweater and Cargo Pants, gets off saying Lex is obsessed with her looks.
Owen is impressed by the haunted house as Victor smiles and tells him to "always cultivate friends in the theater." Griffin wheels in a coffin and asks where they want it. He and Victor carry it upstairs. Griffin asks how they got Bailey to agree to this and Victor says he didn't, but Owen said it was okay. Owen looks worried.
Kirsten and Charlie are at the doctor's office. The receptionist is telling Kirsten that the doctor is running late. Charlie suggests they reschedule but Kirsten says they were lucky to get this appointment. A woman enters and hugs another woman, and it's clear from their conversation that they know one another because they've both been getting fertility treatments for a long time. The two women begin to totally discuss their personal business in front of God and everyone right there in the lobby. One woman is on her third try and the other is on her fourth. While Charlie and Kirsten listen, they discuss how the hormones cause an "emotional roller coaster" and how the insurance doesn't cover it anymore, and how when she leaves she doesn't know whether to "drive to the loony bin or the poor house." Kirsten keeps trying to get into the doctor's office to get away from these women while Charlie listens wide-eyed.
Mayhem is sitting in the apartment with Bailey and Will, waiting for his wife. Will tells Bailey to call a cab to get home and Bailey reminds him that "Isis turned off the phones, although why does she need phones at all with her godlike powers?" Isis comes home and kicks Mayhem out, calling him "Bob." After she slams the door, Will asks if he and Bailey can leave. She mistakes them for members of some support group that Mayhem was supposed to attend, and says she can't open the door because Mayhem will try to get back in, so they'll have to wait. Bailey makes to leave and Isis faces him down and threatens him. Bailey says he used to wrestle in college. ["Oh, he remembered!" -- Wing Chun] I am so prepared for Bailey to get his ass handed to him by a woman. She gets him in a headlock, but he totally flips her over and pins her. Isis asks what he's doing and Bailey says, "It's called wrestling."
As Motown plays, Julia and Isabel enter the charity function. Julia is dressed as Tippi Hedren from The Birds, complete with wires holding fake birds swarming her head. Isabel is a belly dancer. Isabel spots Evan dressed as a New York Yankee and says he's hot. When Evan comes up to them, Julia says she thought he had a date. He says he did, but his cousin backed out. Isabel introduces herself and talks about how much she loves Evan's magazine. Julia tries to talk about work but Evan tells her tonight is for fun. He flirts with Isabel some more and then asks her to dance.
Kirsten and Charlie are at home. Kirsten wants to talk. Charlie wants to grease his hair back like Pat Riley. I think that's his new look until I remember it's Hallowe'en. Phew! Charlie says that she is trying to keep stuff from him, which Kirsten denies. Charlie says she made an appointment for the middle of the day and gave him no time to think about it, and wonders if this is why Paul didn't want to go through this. Kirsten says it was hard enough to convince Paul to have a kid at all, much less to convince him to take the smallest risk. Charlie says it's not a small risk -- Kirsten would have to go off her antidepressants and go on the hormones which cause an "emotional roller coaster," and that's not a small risk for her. Kirsten says it's her body and her decision, and she's okay with it. Charlie asks if she's so okay with it, why did she avoid the truth with him?
Bailey and Will have escaped the wrestlers and are walking down the street. Will is all excited about what happened, and he can't believe Bailey didn't have fun. Bailey says he was out of control all day and he has people who depend on him, plus he might have missed Sarah's call. That might be sad or middle-aged to Will, but it's true.
Julie stabs the pâté with toothpicks as Isabel dances with Evan. Isabel comes over and Julia asks what she's doing. Isabel replies, "Whatever I can, baby!" Julia asks her to stop because it makes her feel uncomfortable. Isabel says she doesn't care. There aren't many good men out there, and she isn't going to give up on this one because it makes Julia feel awkward, unless she's interested in Evan. Another woman spills something on Evan's uniform and Isabel says that one of them better go over to him or they're both going to lose him to the new woman, and Julia gets first shot. After a couple of false starts, Julia says she'll go. I think we need more characters like Isabel and Will to tell the Salingers what's what.
Bailey walks into the house and sees tons of people in costume. Claudia is dressed up as Susanna Hoffs from the Bangles, I think, and she's dancing with a bunch of ten-year-olds. Griffin is dressed up like a greaser, which means hardly any costume at all. Owen (dressed as a lion, I think) and Victor (dressed as a pharaoh) run by. Bailey walks in and checks the messages, but there aren't any. Victor explains that he and Owen had stuff to work out, but then Owen walks in so Victor starts giving a speech about how it's all his fault and he's the one to blame. Then he says, "Right, Owen?" Owen says no. Victor asks if Owen would like to tell Bailey another version. Owen says no. Victor asks if Bailey has anything to say to Owen, like maybe something about consequences. Bailey says he doesn't know why Sarah didn't call. Victor says she did leave a message, and tells Bailey to rewind the tape.
Alexa walks into the house crying and says that Cameron broke up with her. Claudia asks her about it and Lex says he told her he can't talk to her and that he wants to be himself. Oops! Lex cries and hugs Claudia, who looks a little guilty that she gave Cameron the words to use in the breakup.
Kirsten is sitting outside, and I have no idea what her costume is supposed to be. The only difference I can see from her normal look is that her hair actually has some volume, and it looks better. Charlie, dressed as a vampire and not Pat Riley, sits down to her. Kirsten says she would be happy with any baby but she has a dream where they have a baby that looks like the two of them. She tells Charlie that the reality is that she doesn't remember being sick, but Charlie does and in some ways it was harder on him than on her.
Julia stands outside the kitchen of the ballroom and sees Evan and the other woman through the window in the door. She finally gets up her nerve to go in just as Evan is coming out and ends up hurting her hand. Julia is trying to tell him that she's interested in him, but Evan is all concerned about her hand and insists on taking her to the emergency room. He tells Isabel to call Julia's family and, as they are making their way out, says "Mind the birds, people." Hee!
Bailey is listening to the message from Sarah. I edited out all the pauses and other vocal quirks, but it basically says: "...all these wild surreal things going on and all these new people. And I would've called sooner but it's been sort of insane, you know? But not in a bad way. Kind of a good way, really. I mean, you'd probably hate it. But anyway, I'm sorry that I keep missing you. I'll call later, okay? I love you." The camera pans over to Bailey's reflection in the glass of the cupboard as he keeps rewinding the message and listening to it. Over and over, we hear Sarah saying, "Missing you. I'll call later, okay? I love you." That was really sad. Poor Bailey.
Claudia is holding Owen upside down while he bobs for apples. Charlie answers the phone and it's Julia at the hospital. Charlie says he will bring her the insurance forms. I think originally, the whole family was supposed to go to the hospital. I'll tell you why in a minute.
Bailey sits in his room and stares at his tie rack. Victor knocks and comes in. He apologizes for the haunted house and says that Owen is a great kid, and that he'll throw everyone out of the house now. Bailey tells him not to, and that maybe things are too under control around there. He says he would join the party but "all I have for a costume is this tie. Look at those. How many twenty-one-year-olds own this many ties? I hate ties." Victor says he isn't crazy about ties either (and mutters, "Big surprise") but says that "this isn't bad" as he whisks out a dress. I would like to say that if that dress is supposed to be Sarah's, who might be a size 3 on a good day, there is no way it is going to fit Bailey.
Cameron comes in and Claudia grabs his hand and drags him outside. I really think she's supposed to be Susanna Hoffs. Walk like an Egyptian, Claude! She asks Cameron why he broke up with Lex instead of talking to her and then she says why about a hundred times until Cameron kisses her, probably to shut her up.
Julia comes out with a bandaged hand, carrying most of her costume. She sees Evan waiting and then see Charlie standing at the counter. She thanks Charlie for coming and tells him she can handle it, so Charlie leaves. Julia tells Evan she is surprised that he waited and he mentions seeing "her family back there." They blather on a bit and then Julia kisses him. Evan breaks it off and Julia is all embarrassed. Evan tells her she shouldn't be, that he looks younger in his costume and that on Hallowe'en it's hard to tell what's real and what's not.
Okay, here are the reasons why that scene was added later. First, when Evan and Julia leave the party, he tells Isabel to call Julia's family, which she clearly never does since later we hear Charlie getting the news from Julia. Then, Evan makes a reference to seeing Julia's family at the hospital. Finally, I present this picture, which was clearly filmed at the same time as this episode, but didn't happen at any point:
I rest my case. Plus, you get to see all their costumes. Well, except Julia's.
Bailey is standing there in his pink dress, waiting for Will. Will sees him and says, "Bailey, you've changed!" Bailey starts spilling his guts, saying that the thing he does best is fight off chaos, and that maybe that's wrong because everyone else enjoys it. He tells Will, "You and Sarah, with her trip and your job, maybe I have it all backwards, my whole life and it's scary because I feel like I'm losing people." Will says, "You're not losing anyone here." Bailey asks what he's supposed to do now and Will suggests that he stay away from pink, because it's not his color. Bailey cracks up. You know, Bailey never has a normal conversation. He's always making speeches. Don't get me wrong, he gives a hell of a speech. But normal people don't talk like that.
Charlie comes home and Kirsten asks if Julia is okay. Charlie says that he realized that he comes from a big family and sometimes he forgets how lucky he is, and that he doesn't want Diana to miss out on that because he is afraid. He finishes by saying if it's what Kirsten wants, and she's ready for the risks, he's ready too. They both cry.
As boring as parts of this episode were, it was still about a thousand times better than Time of Your Life ever thought of being.