Previously on Party of Five: The Salingers had a haunted house. Bailey did his best SNL Christopher Walken impersonation regarding Sarah ("Why aren't you calling? You could be in grave danger"). Victor said that she did call and Bailey listened to the message over and over again. Julia told her friend that she had no interest in Evan and he had no interest in her, but then later she kissesd him anyway. Claudia told Cameron she wasn't his girlfriend, but then later she kissed him anyway. Kirsten and Charlie decided to try to make a baby through in-vitro fertilization. Owen was apparently locked in the basement with Thurber, the dog. Did you know the Salingers have a dog? They do. He's called Thurber.
Breakfast at Casa de Salinger. Claudia and Julia are discussing Sarah's and Bailey's situation. Griffin comes in and grabs a muffin and Julia tells him that Sarah might not be coming home, ever. Will comes in and also grabs a muffin, and Julia fills him in too. Will asks if Bailey is freaking out. Claudia says that they don't know because Bailey has been upstairs since he told them, packing Sarah's stuff. They all kind of wince at that concept. Bailey comes in and it's really obvious that they were all just talking about him because they give him that really fake greeting that is way too enthusiastic for early morning. Bailey says that he and Sarah didn't break up, that they're just going to have a long-distance relationship. Also, he will go to New York and she can come there. Everyone just humors him by saying, "Of course, yeah, you bet!" Bailey realizes they are just humoring him and looks sad as we roll credits.
Kirsten wakes Charlie up by waving what looks like a strip of bacon in his face. She tells him that eating it will up his sperm motility. Charlie says he already gave up beer and he's wearing baggy pants. Let me just say that already this storyline has spent way too much time making me think about Charlie's testicles and I don't like it one bit. Anyway, Kirsten says that there is more he could be doing, like taking vitamins and wearing frozen boxers, and she tosses a pair of frozen boxers on the bed. All the men watching wince at the thought of frozen boxers. Charlie asks if the doctor recommended that and Kirsten says she read it on the Internet. thing you know, she's going to be telling Charlie that they are going to get a free trip to DisneyWorld from Bill Gates. Charlie expresses disbelief at the validity of Kirsten's information. In a bit of exposition, Kirsten reveals that their insurance doesn't cover the treatments, that Charlie has taken a second job to cover the costs and that she has to take hormone shots. With all that, she wants to make sure that they are doing everything they can to make each attempt count. Charlie sees the logic in that, and continues to eat his "bacon" which Kirsten reveals is actually dried snake penis. Instead of spitting it out, which is what any normal person would do, Charlie asks what she means. Kirsten says it's a Chinese fertility secret, and look how many people there are in China! To appease Charlie, she tells him they also get to have sex twice a day and Charlie is ready to start now. Kirsten says, "As soon as I get my shot, and you take a cold shower and finish your penis." Hee! She pulls her sweats down a little so Charlie can inject the shot. I know I've said it before but boy, she sure is skinny.
Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano are making out in the boiler room. Oops, it's really Claudia and Cameron in the Biology storage room. My bad. Claudia says it's too creepy and Cameron thinks she's referring to the jars of frogs around them. That would be creepy. Claudia says she means sneaking around. Cameron says that he broke up with Alexa so he's not going behind her back. Claudia says that she is. Cameron tells her that she has three choices. The first is to stop seeing each other. Claudia panics a little and asks what the other options are. Cameron says the second is to tell Alexa. Claudia says they can't because she would hate them both. The third option is to continue "flying under the radar," and Cameron adds that there must be fifty guys in line to ask Alexa out, so she'll move on soon. The bell rings and Cameron says he'll see her fifth period, and leaves. Claudia looks at a frog in a jar and says, "What are you looking at?" You know, I would care more about this storyline if there had been any build-up at all. As it is, I don't get the big attraction between these two.
Speaking of no attraction between two people, Evan is walking through the offices of Stilman Press, talking to some woman. Julia approaches them with "Chapter seven, hot off the presses." Evan says she could have faxed it over or given it to him at the conference that night. Julia says she was in the neighborhood and adds, "Hey, you shaved". Hey, he did! I think that Kyle Secor is a cutie and I wish he had a real storyline. ["Word." -- Wing Chun] Evan says he shaved for the panel he's going to be on, and introduces her to the woman standing there, his new marketing director. Julia hems and haws until the marketing director catches the clue train and leaves. Julia says she wants to be sure things are okay between them since they kissed at the hospital. Evan says, "It's ancient history. I haven't given it a second thought." Julia looks upset at this news and Evan tries to get back to business. Julia interrupts to say that she's glad he's not upset but she thought there was something between them since he did kiss her back, and is she off-base? Evan says that he's her editor and she should try to think about the situation. He can choose to publish her or not, so he has all the power in the relationship and it's against all the rules. Julia says she understands but he didn't answer her question. Evan says he did. I swear, these two take twenty minutes to say what I just said in about two minutes. Plus, Neve Campbell says ten sentences in one breath, which might explain why she has those weird pauses in the middle of her sentences. She's trying to find time to breathe.
At school, Myra holds up a paper for Charlie to see and says she passed her Biology final, and her geometry final is this Friday. Does he have time to help her? Charlie says he can't help her because of his new job. Myra says she understands that he is the papa bird pushing her out of the nest and Charlie tells her she'll do fine on her own. Myra says, "But half of them break their necks. I see their tiny carcasses splattered on the sidewalk." Whoa! Get this girl to the school counselor, stat! Charlie says his sister is awesome at math. Myra says, "Claudia? Banana girl?" At first I thought she was calling her Banana Girl because she used to look like a monkey in her pre-teen years. But then she explains, "Banana Republic. All her friends wear it." Didn't they tell us a few weeks ago that Claudia is poor? How can she afford Banana Republic? Anyway, Charlie says Claudia doesn't care about that stuff and he's going to ask her. He runs over to Claude's locker, conveniently located three steps away, and tells her Myra Ringler needs help. Claude says, "Ringworm? The angriest student in the high school? I thought you loved me, Charlie. I thought you cared if I lived." Charlie calls Myra over and introduces them, and declares them "study buddies" and leaves. They watch him walk away and then study each other doubtfully.
At the furniture shop where Charlie is working, we see the boss (Gus) telling Charlie he did a great job. Charlie asks him for more hours, and tells him he needs thirty hours a week. Gus says he's already paying him $20 per hour. Geez, he should do that full-time. It's got to pay more than being a shop teacher! Anyway, Gus says that he doesn't have the work to justify giving Charlie the extra hours, and even if he did, there are men with more seniority who would get the time. You'd think a factory like that would be a union shop, but I guess not. Charlie says that he'll have to go work elsewhere if he can't get the hours and Gus relents and says he hopes Charlie gets what he's saving for.
Will is freaking out about a wrestling flyer that has a mistake on it. He tells Bailey, who is standing there, that he's not getting paid enough to worry about such matters. Bailey agrees and says that Will should protest by leaving for a week and seeing how they handle things without him. Will agrees that he should do that, but clearly he's all talk. Bailey says, "Let's go! The truck is outside." Will wonders what the hell he's talking about. Bailey says he's got the truck with all of Sarah's stuff in it waiting outside, and he and Griffin are going to drive it to New York City. Joe is covering the restaurant, Victor is watching Owen and Griffin wants to "pick up a Harley in Brooklyn." Will says, "That's three thousand miles! Can't you ship it?" Bailey says that he was planning on going to visit Sarah anyway, so now he is saving airfare by driving, plus it's a chance to see the country. Also, Will had told him he needs to lighten up and do crazy things once in a while, so that's what this is. Also, he is a friend in pain, and that should be more important to Will than wrestling. In other words, Bailey is giving Will a major guilt trip. He asks Will, "What do you say?" and Will replies, "Shotgun." While that makes for a pithy reply, how do you not sit shotgun in a delivery truck? I guess sitting in the middle could be not shotgun, and the funny thing is, the time they show Will, he is sitting in the middle.
Evan is on the phone in his hotel room and Julia knocks at the door. She came to talk about the notes he made on chapter seven. Boy, he's a super-fast editor, huh? Julia is concerned that Evan crossed out the whole section describing how she made up with Ned. Evan says it was too simplistic, and that "what smoothed things over was only...only..." Julia says, "Sex? Sometimes it was." You know, I had to watch those two have sex too many times last season. Do I have to remember it now? And can I just say that I thought Julia's hair looked bad in the season premiere, but it's just gotten worse. Now it is all slicked down around her ears and it just looks terrible. Anyway, Evan says that it sends a strange message and he has to think about how it affects readers and that they can't confuse or disconnect the readers. Raise your hand if you're confused and disconnected! Julia says that he's confused and then in a voice that only dogs can hear, screeches, "Does it bother you, Evan -- the thought of me and sex?" and I'm thinking, "Yes, but not how you think." Evan says he hopes she's not stuck on what happened between them. Julia says he's the only editor in the world asking his writer for less sex in her writing, which is sadly true, but he's the boss.
Just when you thought things could not get more clichéd, the boys are on a road trip and the soundtrack is "Born To Be Wild." How original. A long conversation ensures which basically boils down to Will has to pee and Bailey doesn't want to stop. The only semi-funny line is when Will says his bladder is "about to explode all over Sarah's summer wardrobe." I told you it was only semi-funny. After much harassment from the guys, Bailey finally confesses that this Thursday, in two days, is his third anniversary with Sarah and he wanted to be with her in New York for it. The guys express disbelief that they could get to New York that quickly, but Bailey says he has it all worked out if they stick to their schedule. Will tells Griffin he'll give him $20 to say he has to pee, Griffin says he has to pee, and Bailey hands him a cup and tells him to have at it.
Myra and Claudia discuss geometry in the cafeteria. Myra is talking about triangles while Claudia gazes at Alexa. Myra tells Claudia not to feel bad for her, since she'll have a new boyfriend any minute now. Alexa comes over and says hi to Claudia and kind of wrinkles her nose at Myra. What a bitch. She tells Claudia she wants to cry, but she doesn't want Cameron to see her, and basically says every dumb thing you say when you're fifteen and you break up with a boyfriend. You'll never find another guy like him, you'll never love again, yada yada yada. She finishes by hugging Claudia, who looks guilty, while Myra chews the inside of her cheek.
I can't really talk about this scene, but it is my duty. Let's just say that Evan gets on a treadmill and spots Julia doing some weird yoga/ballet stretches in the room and he gets flustered and leave it at that. It was neither funny nor sexy, so I'm not sure what the director was going for here.
Claudia rings Cameron's doorbell and he comes out to talk to her. She's all prepared to launch into her, "It's not you, it's me" speech when a nerdy guy comes out to tell Cameron it's time for dinner. His name is Karl and he excuses himself when he sees that Cameron has a "lady friend". Claudia tells Cameron his dad is nice, and Cameron agrees, but that wasn't his dad. His dad works late and so Karl hangs out with his mom, and Cameron pretends he doesn't know what's going on. Claudia feels bad for him and decides now is not the time to dump his ass.
Kirsten leads Charlie into the bedroom, where she might as well be playing "Let's Get It On" because clearly she means to have sex with him. Charlie says he needs thirty seconds to get the turpentine off his skin and Kirsten waits for him in bed. While washing up, he tells her about his extra hours and Kirsten gets a hot flash. Charlie finishes his washing-up and scampers into bed and starts kissing Kirsten's neck. She tells him coldly, "I'm reading." Charlie is confused, since just moments earlier she was all systems go. Kirsten says, "You blinked. I had a hot flash. End of story. It's just a mood swing. The shots can do that. This doesn't mean I'm depressed." Geez, hook a brother up, Kirsten! You're the one who's all about getting pregnant and promising Charlie sex twice a day. I'm not saying she has to have sex with him now, but that seems kind of mean. Charlie asks her what happened to twice-a-day sex since he took his pills and wore his frozen boxers. She hands him a bottle of lotion and tells him to handle it himself, in more ways than one. If I wasn't feeling a little sad for Charlie, that would have been really funny. ["Ew, I thought that was gross. It wouldn't have been so bad if not for the lotion." -- Wing Chun]
Bailey and Griffin are looking at the truck's engine. Griffin says that a cylinder head may be cracked, and that he can get them to the town but then they will need parts. Will and Griffin try to get Bailey to realize that they aren't going to make New York City by Thursday, and he should just give Sarah a call. Bailey says he can't call because she doesn't know he's coming. This trip isn't about bringing Sarah her stuff. He's planning on bringing Sarah back home. I felt really sad for Bailey here because he was just so pathetic. Even though he was being a pee Nazi, he is deluded, and that's sad.
Charlie is talking to Daphne about Diana. Daphne says she stopped by because they are out of diapers...and money, because Charlie hasn't given her a check yet. Charlie asks her to get the "drool-proof duckie book" from the bathroom. Daphne babbles about her landlord as she goes into the bathroom and discovers the syringe and the dried snake penis. She comes out and asks Charlie if he's trying to make a baby with Kirsten. Charlie denies it at first, but when confronted with the evidence, admits the truth. Daphne says she thinks it's awesome and tells him that she has found a job, so he won't have to worry about her anymore. From the look on her face as the scene ends, you can tell she is obviously lying.
A mechanic is telling Bailey, Griffin and Will that the part they need will take two days to get there. Bailey accuses him of scamming them. Will and Griffin pull Bailey aside to calm him down. Bailey says that this trip is a long shot, but he doesn't know what else to do, and maybe Sarah won't come with him but he has to try.
At the panel, Evan introduces Julia to the audience. He describes her book and says, "She tries to offer some answers to women like her..." and Julia busts in and says that she doesn't have any answers. Evan tries to continue, but Julia grabs his mike and repeats that she doesn't have any answers. Evan tells the crowd that they can read the sample chapter they were given. Julia grabs the mike again and asks them for feedback, and tells them she would love to answer questions. A few women raise their hands, and Julia asks Evan if she should wait until he's done (finally!), but he tells her to go ahead. Okay, reality check. I have worked in the publishing industry. First, there is no way the author would still be writing a book that is set to be published in mid-winter, which I will assume to be February. It would be done and in final edit at this point. Second, the author would not be allowed to sit on that panel, and there probably would not be such a panel in the first place, since how could a small publisher afford it? And speaking of cost, they also could not afford to print up a sample chapter to give out to the assembled crowd of buyers and booksellers. Thank you for letting me vent.
Claudia gets lunch in the cafeteria and looks at Cameron's table and Alexa's table before deciding to sit with Myra, who is carving something into the table with a metal compass. You know, like you use to draw a perfect circle? I think those things were definitely used more often as implements of warfare than drawing tools. Anyway, Claudia asks her how the studying is going. Myra reveals that she borrowed Claudia's textbook and she found notes from "C" about places they could meet and "Does A know?" Myra used her Nancy Drew skills to figure out that "C" is Cameron and "A" is Alexa. Claudia looks guilty some more.
Evan tells Julia to warn him time she plans on hijacking a panel and then yells at her for not letting him do the marketing presentation he worked so hard on. Julia says she knows that he has helped a lot in the writing of this book, but she has let him tell her how to write it. Evan says she asked him to be her editor. Julia says she knows, and she blames herself for letting him do that .She's been looking for someone to tell her what the book should sound like and now she knows that it should sound like her. So, now she's taking control of the book. Lord help us all.
Charlie comes home at midnight. Kirsten starts to get undressed so that they can have sex RIGHT NOW! Charlie says that he just can't do it tonight. They argue about it. Charlie says he left work and realized that he'd rather make another end table than make love to his wife, and he thought making a baby was supposed to be fun, and that he shouldn't be wondering why they are doing it. I'm wondering why they can't be happy with the two (and three if you count Claudia) children they already have to love. ["Yeah, I kind of thought that's what Daphne was getting at when she was asking about the pregnancy attempts." -- Wing Chun]
Back at the motel, Bailey tells the guys that he's found the part and they should be back on the road by noon. Griffin says that he and Will are going to catch a bus back home, because this trip isn't what it was supposed to be. Bailey says that Will told him to take risks, and now that Bailey is, Will is bailing on him. Will says that Bailey is not taking risks -- he's trying to hold on and he's scared to let anything change. Hey, good point! Bailey wonders why he's taking relationship advice from these two. Griffin let Julia go to Stanford and "tanked his marriage" and the longest relationship Will has had was "a month, maybe two. Or you just get 'em pregnant and dump 'em on somebody else." Ooh. Low blow. Will turns into a guest on Ricki Lake circa 1997 and tells Bailey, "I can't believe you would go there." Bailey says he doesn't quit on his girlfriend and he doesn't quit on his friends. Will says he's not quitting on Bailey -- he took a week off of work to drive across country. Bailey says, "I'm going to make sure Sarah know I'm still here. I'm going to make sure she can't walk away." Will says, "Look around you! She already has."
There's a knock on Julia's hotel room door. Oh, you just knew it was going to be Evan and he's all making out with her. Thankfully, they cut away pretty quickly. ["Not quickly enough for me, dude." -- Wing Chun]
Bailey's sitting in a diner, looking at a map. Will and Griffin come in and announce that they've changed their minds and they want to keep going. Bailey says that they have eight or nine more states to go and they've only been through three and already they have problems. Then he looks at the map and says in a very sad voice, "Sarah is so far away. She's so far away." Aw, poor Bailey.
Victor is bringing groceries up to the house, and Daphne is waiting for him on the steps. She asks him to watch Diana so that she can go find a job. Victor says that Bailey has him on call 24/7, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. Daphne says that if he's working so much, maybe she could stay at his empty place and sublet her own place to make some extra money. I don't know why she can't move back into Casa de Salinger. Everyone else has. Victor says he thought that Charlie was helping her out and Daphne says that Charlie has his own family now and she's got to stop leaning on people. Except for Victor. Victor hands over his keys.
Cameron asks Claudia if she is breaking up with him. She says she is because she "can't do something that makes me feel so bad about myself" so she's going to pull a Kelly Taylor and "choose me."
Charlie walks into a doctor's office and tells the receptionist he has a "date with the hamster." Huh? I don't think the sperm donation clinic is the place for jokes about wanking. Or maybe it's the best place for jokes about wanking. I can't decide. Anyway, he gets the necessary instructions and heads to his little room. Someone barges in, which would be nerve-wracking to say the least, but it's Kirsten with candles and music and lingerie. They start to dance and kiss and Kirsten says, "You were wondering why? This is why."
Evan looks out the window in his hotel room and Julia asks him if he's okay. We pan over to her and she's lying in bed with strategically tucked blankets. Evan asks if they made a mistake. Julia says she doesn't know, but she feels good. Evan keeps analyzing it, but then Julia asks him how he feels. He says he feels good too and they make out some more. Except Julia would definitely have morning breath and that is just gross.
Bailey is signing off on a UPS truck, so we can surmise that he decided to ship Sarah's stuff to her after all. He gets in the truck, looks at the guys and says, "Let's go home." That was actually a nice, understated scene. Sometimes this show has far too much dialogue. Maybe I'm just saying that because I have to write so much of it down to do these recaps.