Charlie and Kirsten arrive home. Kirsten is talking about all the kids she has at her clinic, and it doesn't help that her boss doesn't have an assistant right now. Pay attention, because that's important later. Charlie yells hello to Daphne, and gets a hello back. Either Daphne's got a bad cold or had a sex change, because the person saying hello is definitely male. Charlie and Kirsten enter the kitchen to see a man feeding Diana -- hey, it's Ricky Vasquez from My So-Called Life! On this show, he's going to be called Victor though. Victor introduces himself and says he was supposed to be a surprise, and that Daphne told him all about Kirsten. Kirsten looks a little weirded out by that, and Daphne comes barreling into the house, yelling to Victor until she realizes Charlie and Kirsten are home and she's probably in trouble. She tells them that she got fired, and that she had to hire Victor to watch Diana while she looks for a job. She says, "He is like, the new millennium Mary Poppins." Daphne says she's flat broke, and Charlie says he wishes she would tell them when stuff like that happens. He writes her a check and asks if it's enough. She looks at it, looks at Victor and says, "Could you make it two?" Two thousand? From what I've heard, that wouldn't even pay one month's rent in San Francisco, much less pay for a nanny too! Cue credits.
Bailey and Owen are eating breakfast as Julia enters the kitchen. She takes the toast out of Bailey's hand and talks about how she's always late and yells to Claudia to hurry up. Claude comes rushing through the kitchen after her and takes Bailey's other piece of toast. Heh. The phone rings, and Bailey answers it. It's for Sarah, and he yells to her, but she has entered the room and is standing behind him. He says it's Mindy someone and she says she'll take it upstairs, so she clearly doesn't want him to hear. We see her upstairs on the phone writing down an address. Bailey didn't get the hint, since he is hovering in the doorway, and when she hangs up, asks who Mindy is. After avoiding the question a bit, Sarah reveals that Mindy is her birth mother's best friend. Bailey is confused, since Sarah hasn't really tried to research her past since she found out her birth mother died. Sarah says that she looked in some old high school yearbooks and found Mindy in a picture with her birth mother, so she made some calls and Mindy called back. Bailey had no idea she was doing this. Sarah says that Julia's book made her think about her parents. Bailey wonders why she didn't tell him about it. Sarah takes a deep breath and says that up until now, there really wasn't anything to tell, plus Bailey was a little less than supportive before. Bailey says she should be careful, and Sarah says under her breath, "Here it comes..." Bailey stops, and instead says that he wants to help her.
Julia is at Evan's office. He tells her he has some thoughts on the second chapter. In it, she writes about her father's temper, and her own reaction to it, but he wonders how her mother reacted. Julia says that her mother was great, that she could always lighten the situation. Evan suggests that Mrs. Salinger enabled Mr. Salinger's anger, and that's how Julia learned to do it. Julia disagrees.
Charlie, Kirsten and Diana eat breakfast. Charlie wonders where Daphne is. Kirsten says she thought Victor was coming today. Charlie says that Daphne doesn't have any interviews lined up, so it'll be her day. Kirsten is uncomfortable with Charlie giving money to Daphne. Charlie says, "What was I supposed to do?" Kirsten suggests that he find her a job, maybe at his school or at the restaurant. Charlie says that he checked both places and there's nothing. He asks Kirsten about the assistant job at her clinic -- remember I told you earlier that would come up again? Kirsten scoffs at the idea, but realizes she can't say no without intimating that Daphne is incompetent, so she tells Charlie, "Why not?" Maybe because she has no experience and has been fired from every job ever? I don't know why they can't cut out the nanny expense and just pay Daphne what they would pay the nanny. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that Wilson Cruz is on the show. I'm just sayin'. ["I don't see why Daphne doesn't just go back to stripping, since she was clearly good at it." -- Wing Chun]
Claudia is in the cafeteria, and she sits down at a table with Alexa and Cameron. Stephanie Tanner bounces up and says, "How rude!" Okay, it's not Stephanie Tanner, and she didn't say that, but it is Jodie Sweetin with red hair and boobs. On this show, her name is Rhiannon. It's like "Attack of the Former ABC Stars" on this episode. Rhiannon (and I can't type that without singing the song in my head) has a printout of a website that has comments on people in their school. Way to rip off a plotline from Dawson's Desktop. They can't even rip it off another show -- instead, they rip it off the website for another show. They really don't know what to do with Claude now that she has breasts, do they? Back to the cafeteria, the website says that Rhiannon got breast implants over the summer. Cameron laughs. Alexa asks how the author knew. Claudia asks if there's anything about her on the site. Cameron says no really quickly. Gee, do you think he's the author? Cameron says that Claudia is too new to have anything written about her yet. Lex (which is what they are calling Alexa now) says they should just ignore it. Rhiannon reads a tidbit about Lex volunteering at Big Sisters to impress people. Lex says that no one knew about that, and Cameron scoffs, "Just every college recruiter you met." Hey, I think he's the author. What do you guys think? Claudia gives him the stink-eye. She's one smart cookie, that Claudia Salinger.
Charlie is teaching shop in a dungeon. It's really dark. You'd think they would want better lighting so no one cuts off their hand or something. Anyway, this girl named Myra (portrayed by that girl from Can't Hardly Wait -- do you think Jennifer Love Hewitt got her the job?) hands Charlie a board with a bunch of nails in it and says her project's done -- it's a bed of nails. Charlie chases after her and says that he pulled her transcript and she's got all F's except for the D+ in shop. If she fails this project, he'll have to give her an F too. The unfortunately named Myra gets the last word by saying, "The last thing I need is advice from the guy who grew up to be the shop teacher." Ooh, burn! Charlie just stands there and looks stunned.
Julia and Claudia are washing dishes while Bailey helps Owen with his homework. Julia asks Claudia if she remembers a time when they were making cookies with their mother, and they were fighting over the leftover dough, and they dropped the bowl and it shattered all over the floor. Claudia says she does and that their dad...and Julia finishes for her, "Went ballistic." Claudia asks why Julia thought of that incident and Julia doesn't answer. Instead, she says, "Remember how Mom made us run up to him and say we were sorry and kiss him and hug him and it worked." Claudia says that was smart on their mom's part and Julia says maybe it wasn't smart because their dad's temper never got better and their mom never told him to stop being angry. Bailey has come up to them by now, and asks what Julia is doing, because Owen is listening to everything she says. Bailey thinks Julia is making it out like their parents fought all the time and that their mom never backed the kids up. Julia tries to deny it, but Bailey says that if she's trashing their parents for her book, she should leave her siblings out of it. He asks Claudia if she wants to hear it, and Claudia says, "Not really." Bailey says Owen doesn't want to hear it and he doesn't want to hear it, and then tells Owen to go upstairs to finish his homework. Julia dries the dishes some more.
Sarah is at Mindy's house. Mindy was the victim of a bad perm. Mindy was the bus driver from the end of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Mindy says that Sarah's mom was a real free spirit, and that she had guys lined up around the block. Sarah says, "There were a lot of guys?" and Mindy says, "She's not..." but Sarah interrupts before she can say "a slut" and says she wants to know how her mom really was, good and bad. Mindy says her mom was a good actress, and she sent Mindy a playbill, which she pulls out. Sarah's mom played Roxanne in Cyrano de Bergerac. The guy opposite her, William Lanford, was wonderful, and they were wonderful together. Sarah looks at the playbill, and discovers that her mother signed it. It reads, "Mindy -- It feels like everything in my life is about to change." Sarah asks Mindy what that means. Mindy says she lost touch with Sarah's mom after that, so she doesn't know. It was twenty years ago, so maybe she meant Sarah.
Kirsten is looking in a room and watching Daphne shake some guy's hand. Daphne comes out and tells Kirsten is was a joke and asks what she'll do now. Kirsten is all prepared for Daphne to say she didn't get the job, but then Daphne says she's supposed to start today. Kirsten asks if he even cared about her "utter lack of experience" and instead of getting offended, Daphne says she lied. Kirsten can't even fathom this, and keeps repeating "You lied?" Daphne says the only things she knows how to do are make long-distance phone calls and steal office supplies. Hey, those are useful skills in the modern workplace! Kirsten says, "You lied?" Daphne says, "Honey, we covered that. Now what do we actually do here?" Kirsten looks shell-shocked.
In the gym, Claudia "Sherlock Holmes" Salinger talks to "Virtual Eyes" Cameron. Claudia basically accuses him of being the website's author, and Cameron pretends he doesn't understand what she's talking about. Claudia wonders why he would hurt his friends. She says, "You're trashing your friends because they'll do anything to feel better about themselves, but that's what you're doing." Cameron walks away some more. Claudia stares after him some more. They are so going to hook up. I give it two more episodes, tops.
Julia is in the library and the mean girl from her writing class comes up to her and says her name is Isabelle. Isabelle apologizes for being such a bitch in class, and says that she was just bitter because Julia has a publishing contract and she doesn't. Then she says that everyone in the class hates Julia, and Julia looks sad, and maybe talking will help. Instead of saying, "Everyone in the class hates me?" Julia starts spilling everything about how Evan is pushing her to blame her parents, but her siblings ask how she can do that, and she feels the same way. But then again, her parents must have had some impact on how her life turned out. Isabelle agrees, and asks Julia is she wants to get some coffee. Aw, I'm glad Julia finally made a friend.
Charlie approaches Myra by her locker and hands her plans for a guillotine, saying he thought it would be an appropriate project. Myra says he doesn't know her well enough to care about her and she's not in the mood to be some teacher's good deed for the day. Charlie asks what the problem is -- is she bored, because he's bored too. Myra says, "Oh, the 'I'm just another outsider like you' trick? Be careful, you might have to pierce your tongue to prove yourself." Okay, no teenager really talks like this. If this were Dawson's Creek, I might let it slide since none of their dialogue is realistic. But, come on. Charlie follows after her and says that the secret of high school is to make it terrible so that kids work really hard to get out, because if they don't leave, they end up like him -- the shop teacher. He asks Myra if she wants that, and hands her the project again.
Daphne and Kirsten are going over some paperwork at home, while Victor plays with Diana. Kirsten corrects Daphne's mistakes with Wite-Out while Daphne yawns and looks really uninterested. Finally, Kirsten suggests that she'll fix the mistakes and go over them with Daphne later. Daphne quickly agrees and runs down to play with Diana. Daphne puts the square block in the square hole for Diana and Kirsten suggests that she should let Diana figure it out herself. Victor says, "Otherwise, how will she learn? Right, Kirsten?" and gives her a pointed look. Kirsten and Daphne both realize he is talking about them, and get back to work.
Bailey comes into the bedroom and I get to see those cool lamps again. Did you all check them out? Anyway, he turns on the lamp because Sarah is reading in bed. She reads him a passage from Cyrano that she thinks is romantic, and says she thinks her mother fell in love with her leading man during the play. Bailey suggests that maybe they were acting. Sarah says no, because they were wonderful with each other, according to Mindy. I'm thinking they still could have been acting, but what do I know? Bailey agrees with me, but Sarah interrupts him to say that she was born a little more than nine months after the play opened, and this guy could be her father. She looked him up on the Internet and found an address in New York City. Bailey asks if she found a phone number, and Sarah says she doesn't want to call, she wants to go in person because it will be harder for him to ignore her. Apparently, she took stalking lessons from Ned. Bailey yells, "You're considering going all the way to New York?" and Sarah says that she isn't just considering it -- she's already bought her ticket. Hey, this sounds exactly like that new show Time of Your Life! What a coincidence!
Julia is looking at pictures when Bailey walks in and asks what she's doing. Duh, she's looking at pictures! He grabs her notebook and starts reading from it, and she grabs it back. He asks if her notes mean that their dad liked to control their mom, and if that's the angle for her book -- "Dad was like Ned and Mom was like you, and that's why you got abused." I'm thinking that's pretty much it! Julia says, "What if it was?" Bailey says it's one thing for Julia to think about it, but this is going into a book, and their mom and dad will be villains to thousands of strangers. I think he's being a little optimistic about Julia's book's sales potential. ["Ha!" -- Wing Chun] Julia says that no one is the villain, and that's the point -- not Mom, not Dad and not even Ned. Bailey says that it's a nice way to let herself off the hook. Julia says she's just trying to make sense of everything. Bailey says that she shouldn't pile it all on their parents and maybe she should stop digging in the past and look in front of her for answers. One thing I like about this show is that they usually have pretty good continuity. For example, Bailey was clearly thinking about how his father was an alcoholic, and Bailey had to take responsibility for his own drinking problem and not blame it on his father.
Myra is in wood shop and asks Charlie how heavy the blade on her guillotine should be. Charlie says it should be heavy enough to cut the tips off her old man's cigars. Huh? Myra reveals that she doesn't have an old man. Charlie says, "Just you and your mom, then?" Instead of telling him to just come out and ask her about her family situation instead of clumsily prying, she replies that it's mostly just her. She asks Charlie to show her how to use the saw, and he does.
Claudia sits down at the lunch table and says that she's learned that "the Ivies" won't even consider them as potential students unless they know three synonyms for a word like Iscariot. Alexa rattles off all three, including "traitor" and looks pointedly at Claude, who is confused. Lex accuses Claudia of being behind the website. Claudia says it wasn't her, and Lex asks who it was then. Claudia looks real hard at Cameron and then says she has no idea and leaves the table.
Daphne walks into Kirsten's room at work. Kirsten asks if she's leaving for the day and Daphne says kind of -- she quit. Kirsten pulls her into the hallway and Daphne says she just can't do the job. Kirsten says that even she doubted it at first, but that Daphne is doing great. Daphne says that she hates it, and that she can't do the same thing every day, and that she can't be like....Kirsten finishes for her, "Like me?" I'm about to throw Daphne a big pity party, but Kirsten does it for me. She says that this is how the world works, and that you don't do what you want, you do what you have to do. Daphne says it doesn't have to be that way. Kirsten asks if Daphne thinks she wants to do this job forever. She's just doing it to get to where she wants to be. Once Daphne figures out what she does want to do, she might not get the job if she has all these gaps in her resume. I was going to make some snarky remarks about Daphne's unrealistic expectation, but Kirsten kind of covered it there, didn't she? And she was a lot nicer about it than I would've been.
Julia is sitting at a caf é and Isabelle comes up to her. Julia says she's looking for an apartment because she can't live at home anymore. Isabelle is wearing two braids and then these two little tendrils hanging in her face, and it's really unattractive, not to mention distracting. Julia says that Evan keeps pushing her, and telling her what to think. Isabelle says that it's no wonder that Evan is frosty since "his wife offed herself." Julia doesn't understand -- really, how many different meanings does "offed herself" have?
Sarah is looking up hotels on her laptop, and asks Bailey if she should stay somewhere nice. Bailey makes a snotty remark about it being her trip. Sarah says that it's only for five days. Ha ha! Little does she know! Bailey asks her what comes , after she gets back, because he isn't sure that this guy will be able to answer her questions. Bailey thinks that this trip is really about her wanting to get away from their relationship and the problems they've been having. Bailey says if Sarah can tell him it's not about that, he'll stop bugging her about it. She doesn't say anything, and he walks out.
Julia is sitting in Evan's office again and it's really dark. Really dark. Even darker than Charlie's shop room/dungeon. Maybe he has a migraine. Anyway, Evan reads her writing and then asks her what happened to her taking a harder look at her mother. Julia says she decided that the book should be about her, Julia, not her mother. Evan says that her mother is gone, and that Julia doesn't have to judge her, but she should try to be honest in her portrayal, and in what effect her mother has had on her life. Julia says maybe Evan should tell her what to say since it's obviously personal for him, since he went through losing someone too and now he wants to blame someone for it. Evan says she's talking about his wife and that Julia knows nothing about that. Julia says that he's right, she doesn't, and she would never presume to tell him how to feel. She has a point there. Except that she did ask him for help. Evan says this whole thing was uncalled for, and tells her the meeting is over.
Claudia is in school when Lex and Cameron come up to her. They read a blurb from the website about Claudia -- it basically says that she's poor and a social climber. ["She's poor?" -- Wing Chun] Lex takes this as proof that Claudia isn't the author, and says she's sorry. Claudia says, "Why? You didn't write it," and stares daggers at Cameron. Did it never occur to these people that the author, once suspected, would clearly post something about him or herself to throw off suspicion? Obviously it occurred to Cameron, because there's a blurb about him on the website too. It says that Cameron has everything handed to him, and he still doesn't feel good about it, so maybe he should give it all back if that'll make him feel better. Claudia finishes reading it aloud and says, "Ouch. Nailed you, huh?" and Cameron says, "I thought it was pretty kind," and they look at each other some more. Come on, wouldn't Lex notice all the pointed stares between these two? It's so freaking obvious!
Bailey is at the table, paying bills and Sarah comes in and asks him what he's doing. Duh, he's paying bills! What is wrong with these people? Sarah hugs Bailey and tells him that she needs to feel spontaneous, and feel like she's twenty for a few days, because she's too settled down. Bailey asks if that's what this trip if really about. Sarah says that everything about the trip is foolish, but that's kind of the point. Then she makes a really dumb analogy about her passport being in New York, and she has to go get it and bring it back so that she can go anywhere with Bailey.
Julia spots Evan outside her college. She says that she was out of line, but she's not comfortable blaming her parents. Evan says he tries to make sense of his wife's suicide, and sometimes he blames her, but how can he not forgive her? And he misses her. He tells Julia not to be afraid of looking at the ways her parents let her down, and that it's not blaming them, but it's trying to understand. He says that she can be disappointed in them and still love them, just like when they were here. I guess he understands her parents so well since he's about their age.
Charlie is getting ready to leave his dungeon-esque shop room when Myra comes in. She starts to leave because he was about to go too, but he tells her it's okay. She asks him if he knows anything about "sine, cosine, and what's the other one?" Charlie says, "Tangent," and she says, "That's the guy." Charlie says he'll take a look. As they sit down, she asks if he knows French too, because she needs help in that. I kinda like ol' Myra. ["I was discussing this episode with my mom the other night, and she says she thinks that Myra is going to turn out to be 'ill,' and that she'll develop an attachment to Charlie and make sexual advances, and he'll rebuff her, and then she'll accuse him of sexual abuse and he'll get suspended. Just a theory from Wing Mom, but she's usually pretty good at calling this stuff." -- Wing Chun]
Julia is packing her things to move out when Sarah comes into her room. Julia says she's going to stay with Isabelle until she finds a place. She could go live in the shed with Griffin! Sarah asks if Bailey knows that she's leaving, and Julia says he will be happy to see her gone. Sarah says that Bailey works harder than anyone to keep the family together. Actually, I would argue that Claudia works pretty hard at it too. But I digress. Julia says that her book makes Bailey mad. Sarah says that Bailey cares so much because he needs stuff around him that doesn't change. That's why he lives in the Salinger house, that's why he proposed to her, and that's why Julia should stay. Like last week, I am struck by how every scene ends with a Salinger looking thoughtful, or angry, or confused. This one is Julia looking thoughtful, with maybe a little confusion thrown in.
Kirsten and Charlie are in the living room discussing all the kids in their lives, between Kirsten's clinic, Charlie's classes, Diana and Daphne. Ha! Kirsten says that she had accepted that she won't have children, first because of her illness and then because she had a husband who didn't want kids. Now she's thinking maybe she could have her own. Even though all the kids in their lives are great, it doesn't compare to having their own. Charlie asks her if she means adopting a child together. Kirsten says she's not sure, but it feels right to think about having a baby with him and they hug and Charlie agrees. I'm thinking it was bad enough that they threw Owen aside when Diana arrived, but now they're going to introduce another kid to the show? For crying out loud!
Julia and Owen are in the kitchen making something. Bailey says he's off to the airport, and he'll be back in a few hours. Julia stops him to tell him that she's staying in the house. She says she's still writing her book, and that it's not easy to question their parents, but in letting them be something else, she feels closer to them. She finishes and walks back over to Owen. Bailey stands there for a minute, then walks up and touches Julia's arm and tells her that he's glad she's staying.
At the airport, Sarah's flight is called and she and Bailey stand up. Bailey says he understand why she's going, but even if he didn't, he would never stand in the way of something she wanted. Sarah asks him to come with her. Bailey says he can't because he's got Owen and the restaurant...besides, she needs to take this trip alone. Sarah starts to cry and Bailey tells her not to, she should smile instead. If she does, her father won't be able to resist her. Sarah says it's only five days and that she'll call every minute, but we know that's not true, don't we? Bailey tells her to find what she's looking for and he'll be there when she comes back. Sarah says she loves him and Bailey says he loves her too. They kiss and hug for a really long time. I am not too proud to say that I got a little choked up during this scene. I'm not made of stone, people! Besides, I know someone else who copped to tearing up. I won't name names, but her first name starts with Wing and her last name starts with Chun.
Sarah walks up the ramp to the airplane and gives a final look back at Bailey and waves. Bailey just stands there looking stunned, and when she looks back he gives her a wave. After she disappears from his view, he says "Goodbye." Then instead of finding out what happens week on this show, we get a preview for Time of Your Life, which will of course be recapped by our very own keckler.