Previously on Party of Five: Claudia broke up with Cody, Bailey and Sarah made up and made out a lot, Julia was invited to write a book about her life and Charlie and Kirsten got hitched and left for their honeymoon in Mexico.
As the camera pans across a room in what is presumably a resort in Mexico, we hear Kirsten moaning. No, it's not that kind of honeymoon activity -- we see Charlie lying alone on the bed, and soon Kirsten exits the bathroom holding her stomach. At first I think, "Wow! She looks really sick!" and then I realize that it's just her normal stick-thin body. And don't give me that "She's naturally thin with a fast metabolism" routine -- I watch the reruns on Lifetime and I know better. Anyway, she hands Charlie some aspirin and a glass of water. Shouldn't he avoid the water if they're in Mexico? Kirsten says, "Who was Montezuma and what did I ever do to him?" and sits down on the bed to play cards with Charlie. Soon, there is a thumping noise and various moaning and groaning to indicate that the couple door is either moving the furniture around, or having sex. Charlie comments that this is the fifth time today. Kirsten asks Charlie if he's upset that they haven't had sex yet on their honeymoon and Charlie says he's not upset. Kirsten says she's having a good time even with her stomach and his sunburn and the noise from door, and she doesn't care if they don't get to have sex at all. Charlie says there's no way that will happen and Kirsten says, "Thank God!" as the thumping and groaning continues door.
Bailey is getting dressed and Sarah is sprawled across the bed in the background with the sheet artfully arranged to cover her assets. Bailey tells her that was the last time because he's late. He asks her if he looks "fresh" as in "fresh from" and I really wish they were able to say the word "sex" on this show. Maybe there is some sort of rule that if they say the word too many times it gets cut by the network censors. Anyway, Bailey reports that yesterday he was an hour late and all the busboys kept giving him the "way to go" look. Sarah wonders how they could tell, and Bailey says it must be that he looked happy. Sarah thinks it's nice that he looked happy, and then tries to get all seductive (but really just looks uncomfortable) and asks Bailey if he wants to go for the record. He starts to get undressed again and dives onto the bed. Oh, good Lord. I can't deal with a whole episode of this. Can't they just break up already? We all know she's leaving week.
In contrast to Bailey and Sarah, Charlie and Kirsten are just playing gin rummy as the couple door continues their antics. I'm already sick of hearing the Salingers talk about sex, and it's only time for the opening credits. This is going to be a long night.
Claudia, Sarah, and Julia are in the kitchen of the Salinger house. Claudia is reading Julia's book contract, and Sarah congratulates Julia. ["Did she even write a proposal? Gr. -- Wing Chun] Julia looks worried, and says that she will have to write a third of a chapter per day to meet her deadline. Claudia and Sarah start discussing whether Julia will be on Oprah, book signings and who could be in the movie. Claudia suggests "Sarah Michelle" (and I'm assuming she means Gellar) could play Julia, but Sarah dismisses her as "overexposed." I think if you look up "overexposed" in the dictionary, you would find a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt, and probably a Neutrogena ad to it. Anyway, Sarah suggests Cameron Diaz, and Claudia says that Julia would need to beef up the part. I don't get that one -- isn't Julia the main character in her own memoirs? How much beefier could the part get? Julia, meanwhile, is trying to get the girls to help her with her book, but they really aren't paying attention. I would like to point out that it's highly unlikely that a small publisher probably couldn't afford to send an author on a book tour, especially when they are only printing a thousand copies of the book. Just trying to be the publishing reality check.
Back in Mexico, Charlie and Kirsten are at a restaurant. Charlie is wearing a hat and some ridiculous zinc oxide on his nose as he points out the couple behind them making out, and suggests this might be their noisy neighbors. Kirsten makes a crack about the guy's Speedo, and Charlie rips on the girl's bikini. The waiter comes out and Charlie and Kirsten order their food. The waiter mentions that the other couple ordered the exact same thing. Charlie and Kirsten assume he means the Speedo/bikini couple, but the waiter says that he meant an older couple playing cards at the table. The man has on a hat like Charlie's, and the waiter says they are playing gin. This must have hit a little close to home. Cut to Charlie and Kirsten in their bedroom, ripping off their clothes. Charlie asks "The bed or the floor?" and Kirsten replies, "Whatever." Then she touches him and he says, "Ouch" because of the sunburn, you see. Luckily, at that point, we cut to a new scene.
Claudia is sitting on the lawn at her school, and Cody, her undead ex-boyfriend, approaches her and asks her about AP Chemistry. She asks him why he's there. Throughout this episode, they continue to have this same conversation, so let me summarize it for you now. Claudia tells Cody she wants nothing to do with him. Cody says she should give him another chance. Claudia says no. One or both of them walk away. Remember that, because it will happen again. And again. Well, that was also what happened in this scene.
Daphne drops Diana off at her new day care center, which is apparently at Daphne's workplace. I'm not sure when Daphne got a job, but apparently it's in sales of some sort. She makes comments about how sorry she is to drop Diana off, but Diana seems pretty oblivious to the whole thing.
Sarah walks into Bailey's AA meeting, which looks to be over. Bailey is sitting and talking one-on-one with another man until he notices Sarah and says hello. Sarah realizes that Bailey was having a private conversation and offers to leave, but Bailey says they were just about done. The man he was talking to gets up to leave and wishes Sarah luck at collecting signatures for voter registration. Sarah says she's always surprised by how much the other AA members know about her, and Bailey says it's no big deal. Sarah admits she's a little jealous of how much Bailey talks to his fellow AA members. This scene would have been a lot more realistic if there were more people drinking coffee and smoking, at least in my limited experience.
Julia is sitting in a writing workshop with some other students and a professor. The prof announces that they are going to start with Julia, and asks her if she has anything to say first. She says she's having trouble with the opening of Chapter One -- wouldn't that be the beginning of the book? Suddenly, Very Bitter Glasses-Wearing Girl says, "Why are we spending time on a project with a due date and a contract when just yesterday, we said results-oriented thinking is bad for the creative process?" Julia looks startled and the professor asks Julia how her writing process has been affected by the contract and "looming due date." Julia says she's just glad to be in the class so she doesn't have to deal with the pressure alone and then Very Bitter Deadhead Guy says, "How am I supposed to comment seriously on a commercial tell-all that is someone's cynical idea for a hot jacket cover?" I think Bitter Guy and Bitter Girl need to take it down a notch. The professor does too, and he reprimands the guy. Then he goes on to discuss how publishers can sometimes sign you to a contract, wine you, dine you, blah blah fishcakes you, and then pull out of publishing the book anyway. Gee, do you think he was talking about himself? Julia looks stunned by the whole thing. ["Maybe she and Felicity can go out for a drink and whine to each other about how hard the creative process is." -- Wing Chun]
In chemistry class, Claudia is taking notes while the teacher drones on about the periodic table and reactions. From outside, we hear feedback and the teacher walks over to the window to find out what in Sam Hill is going on. It's Cody, with a mic, guitar and amplifier, and presumably the world's longest extension cord. He starts playing a song called, "Claudia." It wasn't captioned, or I would reproduce it here, but basically it asks her to give him another chance. All of the students rush over to the windows to see what's going on while Claudia buries her face in her hands. Snotty Blonde Girl says, "Claudia?" to her boyfriend, who says, "Salinger?" in reply. When the song is finished, everyone applauds, except me. And Claudia.
Bailey and Sarah are making out while Bailey tries to figure out how to get her overalls off. Sarah says she wants to talk and Bailey asks if it can wait until later since they're kind of busy right now. Sarah goes on to say that they were mad at each other for four months, and then made up really quickly without really discussing what went wrong, and maybe they're substituting sex for communication now. Bailey promises her that they can discuss it later and goes back to kissing her.
Charlie and Kirsten are in bed making various excuses as to why the sex they have clearly just finished having was so bad. Kirsten says it doesn't matter since they're married now. At some point, their sex life will fade anyway, and they'll have sex like a million more times. I'm thinking "A million? Probably not." Anyway, Kirsten goes on to say that at some point, they don't have any surprises left. Charlie says that scares him.
Claudia is eating lunch in the cafeteria and the Snotty Blonde Girl from earlier sits down across from her and encourages her to start from the beginning. Claudia isn't sure what she is talking about, and the girl introduces herself as Alexa. Claudia says she knows who Alexa is, since she voted for her for Homecoming Queen and Class President. Anyway, Alexa wants to know about Cody and Claudia tells her it's nobody's business. Alexa says it is now, since he sang his song to the whole school. Claudia says she's not talking about it. Alexa gets up to leave, but stops and asks if Cody cheated on her, because why else would a guy like him sing that song and a girl like Claudia want to keep it a secret? I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds like an insult. Alexa starts to walk away again, and Claudia blurts out that Cody did cheat on her.
Julia shows up in Evan's office because she has some questions. Evan assumes she has questions about the contract, but Julia says they are writing questions. She starts in with how she used to play make-believe with her brothers, and that resulted in gender traps, and there must be a metaphor there, and I'm thinking, this book is going to be the biggest load of crap. Anyway, isn't the personal memoir as trade paperback so 1996? Julia Salinger is no Mary Karr. Evan must be thinking this too, because he asks Julia if there is anyone at school or home she can talk to about this. Julia says no. Evan says their roles are supposed to be that he reads and she writes. Julia splutters and stammers some more, and Evan tells her that not only does he not want to help, he can't help her because he's not a writer.
Joe comes into Salinger's and Bailey asks him to cover for him tonight so that he can be with Sarah. I start wondering why Joe is still in San Francisco. Didn't he get married last season? Where is his wife? Joe offers to cover the whole week so that Bailey and Sarah can spend time together. Bailey says that Frannie must be expecting him back in L.A. Ah, I was right! Joe says that he and Frannie are spending some time apart, and that he would welcome the opportunity to get out of his hotel room once in a while. Bailey tells him to come to Salinger's whenever he wants.
Daphne comes home from work with Diana and her apartment is really messy. She also calls Diana "Snaggles," which I would think referred to her teeth if she had any. Daphne starts listing all the things she needs to do with Diana, like play, read books, feed her, bathe her, change her diaper -- except instead of doing any of these things, Daphne sits down on the couch and falls asleep.
Claudia literally bumps into Alexa at the top of the stairs and drops her books. Alexa helps her pick them up and then asks if what Cody did was horrible, because lots of guys cheat and sometimes they learn from it. Claudia realizes that Alexa's boyfriend, Cameron, cheated on her and that's why Alexa is so obsessed with Claudia and Cody. I'm glad there's an explanation because it was starting to feel a little Single White Female to me. Alexa says that Cameron "mashed with some chick at tennis camp." "Mashed"? I think that means "kissed," but I'm not sure. Who is writing for this show? Last week we had "extracurrics" and this week it's "mashed." Anyway, Claudia says she didn't know, and Alexa says that's because she didn't make Cameron sing a song in front of the whole school. Claudia says she didn't make Cody do that and Alexa says Claude should give Cody another chance. Claudia asks why Alexa cares and Alexa says she doesn't know and walks away.
Charlie is reading on the bed and the sex noises start up again from door. He walks out to the balcony, where Kirsten is reading as well. Charlie says he doesn't understand why the bed door makes so much noise. Kirsten says that maybe there's something, or someone, tied to the posts. This intrigues Charlie, and he wonders why Kirsten said that. Kirsten admits that her last boyfriend was into that sort of thing and Charlie finds out that Kirsten liked it. I really don't like the direction in which this subplot is headed.
Sarah and Bailey are eating dinner in a restaurant and Sarah is babbling about school and her major while Bailey glumly eats his salad. Sarah says she's never had any future plans that didn't include Bailey, so now that she turned down his proposal, she feels lost. Bailey says that he's still there, so she shouldn't feel lost. Sarah says that it feels good to talk about these things, but I don't know that Bailey agrees.
Cody shows up at the Salinger house looking for Claudia. Bailey answers the door and says that Claude isn't there, and Cody can't come in. Cody explains that he waited too long to talk to Claudia about their problems, and asks Bailey what he can do now. Bailey says he doesn't know, and clearly is thinking about his own relationship.
Charlie and Kirsten are playing shuffleboard. Charlie asks why she didn't tell him about the being tied up thing before. He claims that five years ago, she asked him if he had done that and he said no, and then he asked her and she said no too. He wonders why she didn't tell him then, and she must have asked because she wanted to try it. She says, really loudly, that she loves the sex they have. Did I mention that they are out in public, with lots of people around, having this conversation? Because they are. Anyway, Charlie tells her that she needs to tell him what she wants if their sex life is going to stay exciting. I get distracted by how dry Kirsten's hair is, and miss the rest of the conversation.
Cody shows up at school. I thought every school had heavy security nowadays. I'm not sure how Cody just gets in and out -- you'd think he'd have been banned from school grounds after the guitar stunt. Anyway, he brings her a rose and once again they have that same conversation where she tells him it's over and he doesn't listen. Cody says he's not going to give up. Suddenly, Alexa yells out from the background, "Actually, I'm pretty sure you are" and walks over to them. She goes on to say that Cody won't listen even though Claudia says the same thing over and over again. Cameron tries to get her to stop and Alexa says, "You shut up, Cameron" in a really mean way. Cody says to Claudia, "Is this cheerleader speaking for you?" and Claudia says, "I guess she is," and adds that Cody should leave. He does, and so does Alexa. Claudia turns to say something to her, but she's already gone.
Daphne is playing with all the kids in day care when her boss shows up and notes that she's been down there for a long time. She tries to appeal to his sense of parenting, and explains how hard it is for her to be away from her baby. He fires her. While I can appreciate that it must suck to put your baby in daycare, isn't this the same woman who felt nothing at all for her baby not too long ago? Plus, does Kirsten have a job? Once they get back from the honeymoon, can't she watch Diana while Daphne works? I am really confused by this whole storyline.
Julia is sitting in the kitchen with her laptop and Claudia comes in. She asks Julia what's wrong and Julia says she's stuck. Claudia says that it's a memoir, so she should just write what happened. Julia says it's not that easy -- she isn't just supposed to write the events, she also has to write what she learned from them. Claudia says she should ask her editor for help and Julia says that her editor told her to figure it out. Claudia observes that it's pretty sucky but Julia says he's right, and that she shouldn't need help. Claudia asks if that's the lesson she learned from everything with Ned -- that you're not who you should be until you don't need help -- because that's sad. It's like saying that you shouldn't even try because you're better off alone. I've decided I really like the scenes in this show between Salinger siblings. There should be more of that and less of the sex stuff.
At Salinger's, Joe is looking for bitters behind the bar when Bailey comes in. Joe asks him why he's there since he was supposed to have the night off to be with Sarah. Bailey says he needed to look over some receipts. Joe continues to bug him about being there until finally Bailey says that things aren't going as smoothly with Sarah as he had claimed, and sometimes it's easier for him not to be with her. Joe says that talking to him isn't going to solve their problems. Bailey says that if he tells Sarah that he still feels bad about their issues, then she'll feel bad. He continues, "Then, she'll resent me for making her feel bad again, and she'll be right. She's allowed not to know what she wants for us." Joe asks, "Aren't you allowed not to like that?" and Bailey says that he's not. He says that they are okay now because Sarah doesn't know how he feels, and if he tells her, then things will be bad again. Joe says sarcastically that if this is Bailey's idea of okay, then he shouldn't say a word to Sarah.
Charlie is packing up to leave Mexico and Kirsten comes back into the room. Charlie asks where she was and she says she went to a boutique, and she starts pulling out scarves and talking about how they won't chafe your wrists. I can't really talk about the cheesiness of this scene, or the fact that the music was a blatant rip-off of "Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing" by Chris Isaak. Suffice to say, Kirsten's hair looked ridiculous with two little braids on the side for no apparent reason. This scene was not sexy in any way, shape or form. I'm glad their honeymoon is almost over.
Claudia is leaving school and Alexa calls to her and acts all friendly, and then apologizes for butting into the conversation with Cody. Claudia says that she needed the help, and thanks her. Alexa says that all her friends are dying to meet Claudia, and proceeds to introduce her as, "Claudia, as in the song." Have I mentioned that there are no songs with my name in them? It really annoys me. But I digress.
Daphne is feeding Diana and telling her about the great job she's going to find tomorrow, that will have on-site day care and everything. As she goes on, she decides maybe she doesn't need to look for a job quite yet. I'm wondering how she will continue to afford this gigantic apartment in San Francisco, the city with the highest cost of living in the United States, without a job.
Julia shows up in Evan's office (as she is wont to do) and starts babbling about her book. Evan tells her he doesn't work like that. Julia says that she only twenty years old, and she's never done this before. I have two words for her: Boo. Hoo. Anyway, Julia claims they have two choices: She can do this on her own and come out with a mediocre book, or Evan can help her make a great book. All he has to do is listen to her. He asked her to write this book so that he could find out how something like Ned's abuse could happen, and she doesn't know the answer to that yet, but she might find it out if someone helped her. Evan agrees to help.
The scene shows Owen and Griffin locked in the basement. Well, it didn't really, but I assume that's where they are since neither one appears in this episode at all.
Charlie and Kirsten are lying in bed discussing slipknots, and whether that was the greatest sex they've ever had. This is just TOO MUCH INFORMATION for me! I don't want to picture those two naked!
Bailey is sitting there thinking. You can tell this because his mouth is open and he's clicking a pen. Except his mouth is always open. Sarah walks in and Bailey starts to initiate a conversation but she's having none of it. She starts in on how the funniest things can make you horny, and how someone said "checkup" and it made her think of hospital gowns with the opening in the back, and that made her think of Bailey's butt, and now I feel sick to my stomach. She orders Bailey to strip, and he does. I appreciate that the writers want to show that women can have healthy sexual appetites, but this whole show was a little over-the-top for me. I don't want to think about or hear about any Salinger having sex ever again.