Angler Management

Ozzy is sitting in a hotel room somewhere with a couple of guys. He tells a story about how he was in Fiji snorkeling in a lagoon with some dude. He taps the dude, and the guy takes off like he's seen something. So Ozzy starts swimming "like an outboard motor" and doesn't stop until he's halfway up the beach. And then he says to the guy, "What'd you see, man?" And the guy says, "Something touched me." And Ozzy says, "That was me, you fucking asshole." Everyone laughs really hard, like they're getting paid by Ozzy.

Credits. The episode is called "Angler Management." Someone needs a vacation. And it isn't only me.

House. Day. Ozzy is eating something and he tells the camera that the fam is going sea fishing tomorrow. He tells the camera crew that they should come along. "We need some bait," Ozzy deadpans. The crew cracks the fuck up. Way to stay behind the scenes, dudes. Ozzy eats some fruit.

Ozzy's sitting with some dude -- we'll call him The Doctor, because he looks like one. Doctor says that there aren't a lot of big fish around right now, except for halibut. He tries to remember the name of some big fish with teeth that bite you on the ass, but he can't come up with it. Maybe he's been taking some of Ozzy's meds, too. Ozzy then tells us that ever since he had Jack seventeen years ago, he's been waiting to take him fishing. He says this is his fifth attempt. We then learn the reason for that, and perhaps the reason for some of Jack's "issues" -- Jack makes his dad promise that at the last minute he's not going to back out and say, "No no no no. We're not going today." Man, Ozzy has already become a prototypical American father -- lamenting some missed opportunity for bonding when in truth he was the one who flaked over and over. Not that I have issues or anything. Jack makes Ozzy shake on it -- and he for some reason shakes with Doctor as well, like he's flaked on Doc over the years. Which he probably has.

Jack's room. Jack listens to loud music and plays a video game as Ozzy comes in and asks if he's psyched about the fishing trip tomorrow. Jack says that he's "so excited." Jack says that "Tony" is going to come -- which could be Bitch Boy or could be one of Jack's friends named Tony. Or it could be a hand puppet they've named "Tony," when you think about it. Ozzy says that if anyone gets seasick, too bad, because they're not turning the boat around like they've done in the past. Ah, so that's the story Ozzy's sticking with. "Seasick."

Morning. House. Ozzy comes into Jack's room and does his morning stutters, telling Jack that he has half an hour and that they're leaving at nine. I don't see Brieann in bed with him. But there is another foxy girl: Lola. Ozzy reminds him to bring the incongruous combo of shorts and a jacket.

Kitchen. Ozzy picks a muffin out from under a huge glass case. He jokes about how they're huge muffins -- that they're like a wedding cake. The maid laughs like she's being paid to. Ozzy cuts one in half and tries to cover the muffins back up but they're spilling over and making it impossible. Instead of stacking them, Ozzy just keeps trying to wish them into fitting, once again revealing his kitchen-based problem with spatial relationships. He wonders how to "juggle" the fucking things when the maid sees the problem and comes running over to save Ozzy, the floor, the glass case, the dogs, and everyone else. The maid asks if it's in Long Beach, and Ozzy says he thinks it's at the Marina -- which is a generic term, yes? The maid, because she's being paid to do things like this, says, "Oh, that's a nice one." Hee. Ozzy says that as long as it's not the fucking "Minnow," he's happy. Doc comes in and asks if Ozzy has any sunscreen. He does, and Doc seems overly happy about it. Ozzy then tells him that he needs to wear a baseball cap of Jack's so he doesn't get a "nasty burn." Ozzy is very considerate for a Satan worshipper.

They go into Jack's room and get a couple baseball caps. There's some friend of Jack's already there. It's some wispily-goateed dude with an interesting smile. We'll call him Underbite. I wonder if this friend is included in Jack's future rant about how he looked around and saw that all the people he was hanging out with were thirty-year-old unemployed people living off their parents? (Doc's name is David, we learn, but I don't like it, so Doc he remains.) In the kitchen now, they argue about small towels and whether or not the boat will provide them, as Underbite fishes out a muffin, no problem. Ozzy finally decrees that they need to call Bitch Boy and ask him about the towel situation, and Doc says, "Right, okay, Oz. That's good thinking, Batman." He speaks in the same kowtowing voice everyone does around Ozzy. I wonder if it's a Sharon mandate or something. As Doc talks to Tony on the phone and Jack eats some cold Chinese food, Ozzy does a great thing where he mumbles to himself a checklist of what he needs, ending with "head." "Tony made a boo-boo," Doc says, but Ozzy doesn't care to know about what -- because Bitch Boy makes boo-boos daily -- and instead grabs the towels and starts singing about catching fish.

They get into the car, Ozzy yelling at Underbite not to bring the muffin in the car. Then he bitches about how Jack is late, just like Sharon, for everything. Had to run inside and do a little more Oxy before leaving, I imagine.

Marina. The boat is the New Del Mar. It's huge. Ozzy calls it a "minesweeper" and then jokes that he's going to be touring for the five hundred years to pay the fee. They board the boat, meeting the crew. "We're not going to sink, are we?" asks Ozzy, before asking, "Everybody on board? We ready to roll?" Commercials.

Marina. The boat pulls out. An old-time song plays as Ozzy, now wearing a cool knit cap, goes off on how they're just guys! No wives, or nannies, or chicks. He says that he's been waiting to take his son fishing forever. The crew gives instructions over a loudspeaker as Ozzy jokes, "We're on a prison ship." Not really a "joke," more of a "quip" or even a "comment." As the rules about "common sense" play, Jack throws a cherry bomb into the water. Ozzy asks if they have any more, and Underbite and Jack light one for him. Great, this is where Ozzy loses a finger. He'll have to make the devil sign with a prosthesis. Ozzy throws the firecracker and it lands in the water right near some pelicans, almost injuring them. Stupid-ass move, guys. Underbite wants to "do the big one," but Jack wants to wait. Ozzy slurs, "Do the big one. Do the big one," just like how my friend's three-year-old kid repeats whatever you say if you say it with any sort of enthusiasm whatsoever. ("Let's tie our shoes." "Yeah! Tie our shoes!") The Cap'n comes over to see the big bomb they have, and then says, "I have a problem with this." Immediately, Ozzy, still with his irrational fear of being thrown out of the country, goes into supplication mode, saying, "Thank you," and then orders Underbite to throw the unlit bomb into the water. Underbite is pissed, but Jack knows that Ozzy's not going to let this go. "Gone," says Ozzy, now 100-percent America-compliant.

Boat. Ozzy repeats his "no chicks" thing to Doc. Then Ozzy "immediately" (according to the Boys With Avids) calls Sharon and says they're having "a laugh" and goes off on how it's only taken him seventeen years to get his son on a boat.

The crew comes over and tries to get them to start a "jackpot" to see who gets the most fish. You each put in five bucks, explains the dude, but he doesn't know who he's dealing with. "Fifty bucks," says Ozzy. Everyone agrees. "Jaaaackpot," yells some raspy crew guy, who looks as if he's seen the inside of a jail cell or three over the years. Underbite doesn't have enough money, so Jack puts in for him. That's great -- way to make Underbite look like a deadbeat on television. After lots of wrangling about money, they head to the back of the boat for a lesson.

Jail Guy says they have cut squid or live anchovies. He shows Ozzy how to use the pole, saying, "I wish everyone was as smart as you." Jail Guy demonstrates the squid and how you leave a flap hanging (ew), and then the anchovies, saying that you should hook them through the mouth, but try to avoid the brain or you'll kill 'em. Pleasant.

Pelicans follow the boat as the fishing begins. Ozzy takes funny deep breaths, not doing it quite correctly. Ozzy, Doc, and Bitch Boy sit around drinking beer and wondering if fish sleep. Ozzy asks, "Do fish masturbate?" but he has to ask twice because no one listens to him the first time. Doc laughs because he's paid to.

Jack gets a bite. Ozzy grabs the pole to steady it. "It's not that big," says Jack. Ozzy stutters that he's trying to steady his rod for him. I hope he never tries that when they're not fishing. Jack catches a fish. "It's the same fucking fish!" says Ozzy. A crew guy gets a bite and has Ozzy take over. Ozzy reels and screams as he does, then gets pissed when the waiting pelicans bogart his fish. "You motherfuckers. You bitch!" yells Ozzy. Jail Guy, wearing an apron, yells. It's all making me very uncomfortable. "He's fucking mad, that guy," says Ozzy.

A seal floats by, and Ozzy drunkenly babbles that it's a shark. He talks and talks until Jack has to tell Ozzy that it was just a seal.

The crew dudes start weighing up the bags of fish. Even though it seemed like Bitch Boy had all the fish, maybe the prize is for biggest fish, because Underbite wins! Jail Guy yells, "Jackpot!" in his best "I've smoked three packs a day for my entire life" growl. Underbite laughs, telling Jack he'll pay him back the money he borrowed in the first place. Wait, he just won money? Why doesn't he just pay himyou know what? Oxy probably makes you stupid. Jail Guy then puts one of Ozzy's tin cans on a hook and they snap a photo.

Ozzy drinks a beer. Drunk as hell. He camera-talks about how it's been seventeen years. Then he's somehow roped Jack over and he's saying, "Finally, a fishing trip"

Ozzy thanks the boat crew, mumbling, sort of ignoring Jail Guy as he de-ships. Jack says he had a blast as they get into their car and take off. Doc is saying what a great day they had, and thanks Ozzy.

Night. Now they've stopped in some alley, and father and son are pissing. He's been waiting seventeen years to piss in an alley with his son. Call the cops! Deport him!

House. The car drives up. Ozzy is making some drunken bad joke about blowing fish. Jack thanks Ozzy. Inside, it looks like Brieann is sitting by the TV eating, as usual. Sharon asks Doc if they had a good time. Underbite says they all caught fish. Bitch Boy walks in carrying the fish in a bag and talking about how it's all ready to make fish fingers. "Fish fingers?" Sharon says, making a sour face. Doc jokes about how the fish are poison. Destruction of the oceans is hilarious!

Later. Ozzy sits with Sharon. He's drinking another Corona. Sharon says how glad she is that Ozzy had a good time. Ozzy mumbles and then asks if she knows how long it took him to take his son fishing. "Yes," she says. "Seventeen years." Pwing!

time on "Dude," says Jack to Robert. "We're going to England." Private plane. Jack sleeps with his mouth open. Sharon tells Jack that there will be no riding the ATVs drunk and no playing with guns. Ah, I see. They're out at their English country home. Nice. Drunken ATV-riding. Jack and Robert take a nice walk through the countryside and Jack says he wishes Lola could see this place. CUT TO: Lola, lying on the floor back in L.A., bored. Aw, that sucks. Sharon says she wants to get Minnie pregnant. Do we have to watch? Ozzy plays music on a keyboard; he says he's the "Nutty Professor." Ozzy starts talking about carrot cake. Suddenly, he's back in the L.A. home (or maybe he didn't come to England) eating a piece of carrot cake. "Perfect," he says. And that's it. See ya!