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On an unrelated note: Did anyone catch the last Project Greenlight? Man, that's some funny shit. It's nearly the last day of filming and Ben Affleck finally graces the set with his presence, basically shutting everything the fuck down as he blows in, towing the very unhappy-to-be-there Jennifer Lopez. Everyone makes a huge point of voice-overing about how totally involved Ben has been the whole time and he's been watching dailies and shit�yeah, right. The only "daily" he's seen lately is the daily J. Lo tantrum about how "your fucking gay lover Matt needs to mind his own damn business!" and "Why did you make me do that crap movie, Big Face?" Shia, because he's seventeen and totally doesn't give a shit, calls Ben on it, saying, "Finally you show up? I see your name on the call sheet every day." Ben and Jennifer never stop holding hands the whole time to show how in love they are -- which really just translates into "needy" and "faking it for the camera." But the best is when Ben is making some stupid joke, drunk-babbling to someone, and he looks to her for approval for some joke he just made, and she rolls her eyes and gives the bitchiest look ever not to come from a disapproving big sister or someone from the cast of Clueless. Someone within Live Planet or Miramax must have it out for their pairing, or they never would have kept it in the final edit. Brilliant. Me and a friend were trying to figure the exact moment everyone in the world shifted from being "fascinated and interested in" to "disgusted and wanting to see them fail." It started with the P. Diddy gun stuff and Ben's rehab. But I think the moment was the video. The video where they "mocked" the public's fascination with them -- which is something that always invites ire anyway. But the particularly disingenuous thing about it was that in the video they mocked their own fame by doing supposedly "outrageous" things like argue and flirt and have Ben rub lotion on her ass on a yacht -- when in reality they actually do all those things! Ben actually does rub lotion on her ass on a yacht! You can't do something with irony that you actually do. That's some fucking Alanis type of "irony" right there. (And once you've entered into Alanis irony, you've entered a dark netherworld from which few have emerged.)
So, yeah. Ben and Jennifer open Gigli (if you can call it "opening") and Ben is immediately talking to the press to do damage control and the makers of Jersey Girl are already screeching about how different their movie is, and Jennifer is trying to mend her recently-steamrolled fences by firing CAA after only two months and rehiring Endeavor, claiming she made the move under ill advisement. And somewhere, right now�right now, Matt Damon is shaking his head. (And also right now, somewhere Harvey Weinstein is eating a ham sandwich and smoking a cigarette at the same time, but that's totally unrelated.) And amidst this all, these two poor kids in love can't understand why everyone hates them so much all of a sudden. It's called schadenfreude, Bennifer. And we're not afraid to use it.
Anyhoo. This is the penultimate episode. B-O-O H-O-O. Let's get started.
Bye Bye Babies
“ Sharon finds a box of condoms. She's such a fucking snoop. How is she such a snoop and she doesn't know her son's a major drug addict? ”
Sharon's room. For some reason there are all these little kids in Sharon's bed and running around the room. I like to think that she hired them for the afternoon. Ozzy tries to reason with one kid, explaining that he's going to slam his fingers in the door. The whole time Ozzy is wondering if he's actually seeing a kid or if he's just hallucinating again, and actually talking to Lola. But he's learned by now to give in to the visions. It's just easier that way. Ozzy then explains that pens are dangerous weapons that can be used to poke someone in the eye. Is he babysitting or teaching a self-defense class? Ozzy might say, "I can't do this," but I think it's the captioners being lazy. A kid gets a shirt thrown in his face, and he starts crying. Ozzy stands gape-mouthed. More crying. Ozzy mumbles that he has to get out of there. The babies continue crying, and some Rico Suave dude is in bed with Sharon, and Ozzy gives a take to the camera and waddles out of there. "Where the fuck do they get the energy from? Christ Almighty," says Ozzy. And credits. Theme.
The episode is called "Bye Bye Babies."
Ozzy leads Jack into one of his rooms where he has his old gigantic synth set up. It's been in storage for thirty years. Jack feigns interest. There is a Black Sabbath sticker on the back. Ozzy tells Jack to "smell it." Hee. And ew. Ozzy explains that he wrote a lot of songs on it and it sounds great when it gets going. He thinks it's going to take him a couple days to figure it out. The thing is fucking huge. Jack leaves before Ozzy asks him if he knows how long he's been waiting to take his son fishing.
Downstairs. Dogs. Sharon tells us/Ozzy/the maids that she told Jack that since he's going to England for three days tomorrow, would he spend some time with his mom tonight? And he responded -- does she not think he'd want to see his friends before he goes? Sharon sadly says that she thought he was going to say, "see her." That's pretty sad. Sharon is lonely. Doesn't she, like, have some friends to call, or a band to rape out of money for the privilege of playing Ozzfest? Ozzy meanwhile cuts himself a huge piece of carrot cake. He tries to lighten the situation by informing us how much he loves carrot cake and how he could quite easily devour the whole thing. Jack comes in and hugs Sharon. A hug before a night of Oxy at the Roxy.
House. Day. Jack's room. Sharon makes Ozzy hang out in Jack's room while he packs. Ozzy is bored. Sharon finds a box of condoms. She's such a fucking snoop. How is she such a snoop and she doesn't know her son's a major drug addict? Jack responds to the condoms, saying he doesn't use them, and that he secretly has about eleven kids on the way. Sharon rubs Ozzy's back and Jack asks them not to "get fruity" in his room. Ozzy says that Jack "gets fruity" in his house. They go back and forth with this. Jack busts out a tiny hand-held breathalyzer and tells Ozzy to breathe into it. He does so, excited for some reason. He blows a 0.1. Sharon tells Jack to leave it with her. Ozzy, saying exactly what's on his mind because he's too drunk not to, yells to get it out of his fucking house and that he'll be busted every day and hung up by the balls by Friday. Jack says it's for his friends.