A Little Ditty 'Bout Jack and Brieann

Ozzy wanders over to Sharon and asks her to order him some sashimi, with no rice. She calls, and Ozzy hovers over her, bobbing and weaving like he's going down for the count. He tells her it's "shashumi," not "shashimi." Kelly wanders by and says, "Sushimi, mom." Sharon gives up and hands the phone over to Ozzy. Good move, Sharon -- who is obviously operating as an Executive Producer right now instead of a wife, because she knows this is going to be goddamn funny. Ozzy tells the poor dude on the other end that he wants no rice. "I can't understand what you're saying," Ozzy says. "What kind of" he repeats. He goes on to order a double order of yellowtail. He asks what that green stuff is. Sharon helpfully calls over, "Green sauce." Thanks, Sharon. That's exactly what it's called. "How long before the order gets here?" he says. "That's fabulous." Ah, so everything is well and good. Oh wait, there's trouble. "What do you say?" says Ozzy. "Do you speak English?" Hee. "Do you!? No, do YOU!?" I imagine the sushi guy now asking. Ozzy says he'll speak very slowly. Great. That'll help. He starts over, "I would like to place an order of sashimi." Beautiful. Credits.

The episode is called, "A Little Ditty 'Bout Jack and Brieann." Oh no they didn't. That's terrible. You're all fired.

House. Night. Oh, it's not their house, but rather Jack is standing outside of someone else's gate. The unmistakable voice on the other end of the intercom comes through. It's Courtney Love! She either fucks around pretending she doesn't know who Jack is -- who has come to pick her up for an event she presumably was aware of beforehand -- or she's high. "Oh, Little Jack!" she says. He puts some shades on as the girl he's with says he has a little stubble. Jack says it's what happens when you turn seventeen. Courtney Love comes to the gate in her underwear, drug-babbling about how she also has suicidal Pomeranians and she has a bad music neighbor who is going through a midlife crisis and thus plays "bad reggae." Jack nods, pretending to understand. Question: Why is Courtney Love babbling like some annoying Osbournes fan? Answer: I think this is one big audition for her own MTV reality show. Other questions: Why is a forty-year-old woman hanging out with teenagers? Answer: I have no fucking idea. She shoves her ass in the camera and tells them not to shoot her ass.

She takes them into the house, where there are indeed lots of dogs who follow her around. Poor deluded dogs. She yells for Brieann to take care of the guests because she's in her underwear. Courtney again says, "Don't get my ass." Yeah, all women walk around their houses in panties and high heels, right? She couldn't be showing off for the camera, could she? Jack introduces the girl, who turns out to be his assistant Jackie. Jack has an assistant? For what? To keep track of all his appointments with his fake friends? What happened to Jack's record label, anyway? I thought the boy had goals. Courtney says they should go find Brieann and then twice more shoves her ass in the camera while yelling, "Don't get my ass!" Don't worry, lady. Courtney then screams from another room and runs past, again showing her ass.

Now the kids watch as Courtney gets her hair did. Does everyone in Beverly Hills have personal hair people living at the house? Courtney drug-babbles about how Puffy was her first drummer. What the fuck? Jack says they're coming to arrest Kelly right now, I guess for doing something onstage or something weird like that. It's unexplained, but you know, I'm fine never knowing. Courtney asks if Brieann came out and said, "I'm Brieann and I'm going to be a rock star now?" What the fuck. Jack tries to say that she didn't quite state it like thatbut Courtney jumps up and says that this is the only reason he's allowed in her house. I'm guessing she means that she invited him over so he'll sign Brieann, or so she has exposure? Is that what I'm supposed to be getting from this madwoman? She quickly switches topics and says, "Did you know I'm playing Lady Macbeth?" (How appropriate, seeing as how she already has blood on her hands.) Jack asks where -- thinking maybe she just means she's playing Lady Macbeth right now. She's holding a puppet and she says, "Out out, damned spot," and then says, "In a film produced by Luc Besson." Ooooh! A film produced by Luc Besson! That's really great. He's genius. The camera should really not be so close to Courtney, by the way. She says that she beat out many actresses, and then runs from the room. As she drug-runs away, smoking and yelling again, "Don't get my ass," meaning, "Please get my ass," Jack deadpans, "Talent. Talent." Ha.

Quick Courtney Love story. Went to see Jane's Addiction last year, and Courtney Love opened for them. She was terrible. Just rotten. And at some point some dude came out and ostensibly whispered that she only had time for two more songs. And she yelled that she'll do as many fucking songs as she wants and Perry can kiss her ass. After about fifteen more minutes of terrible shit, they cut her mic. And did she leave then? No. She sat down with an acoustic guitar and kept playing. Everyone was booing her by this point, and eventually two big guys came out and carried her offstage. Yeah. Jane's Addiction rocked, though.

So now out comes Brieann, Kurt's half-sister. She's gorgeous, and they bring her out with lush music and in slo-mo, making it seem like Jack is ga-ga over her. They even show fireworks. What is this, The Brady Bunch? (Jack's assistant is pretty hot too, by the way.) Courtney now continues to get her hair done as she babbles about this theory of "reconstructionism" she has and how we're heading for a depression and how this "sounds pretentious but it's not" but they just cut to what are supposedly Jack's thoughts of watching Brieann come out in slo-mo again with the music, tuning Courtney out. Now the hair dude is massaging Courtney as Jack "comes back to reality" and she says, "I am one of the only people alive who makes money off the internet. Did you know that? Did you know that? You're not listening to me?" Goddamn, what a pain in the ass that woman must be. I want to say "now I know why Kurt killed himself" right here, but that would be totally inappropriate. She's become the embarrassing drunk aunt you always try to avoid. (Actually, though, I would sort of like to hang out with her for a night. I think it would be a fucking trip and a half.)

So now Courtney comes out putting on her shirt and babbling about the band The Hives, grilling Jack as to whether or not he ever had a "Hives moment." she's pulling out some magazine and showing Jack pictures of Kurt and saying that the Osbourne clan have just as fucked-up genetics as the Cobains. Nice. Now Jack is on the phone apologizing about how they're late, and Courtney keeps yelling over that she lost a boot, and then that she has to put a bra on because her tits keep falling out of her shirt. Lord. Then Courtney says she has more dog shit in the house than the Osbournes. Jack says it's probably true, now that he's trained Lola. Courtney says, "Oh, you got to keep her?" She's such a fanboy, it's sad. She hands Jack her cigarettes and walks off. The look on Jack's face is great. She then asks if the kids want any root beer before they leave. "I'm quite all right," says Jack.

Finally they leave, and Courtney accuses Jack of not listening to her, and then she calls after a dog who is escaping and asks someone to help her with the beagle. They're outside and she's babbling about Poms again, and then someone spots the beagle, which she's apparently forgotten about as she is already getting into the car. She grabs the beagle and then realizes she doesn't have a key and can't remember the code for her gate. She yells for her houseboy/hair guy/massage dude and then finds that the gate is open.

Goddamn, that woman is exhausting, and I'm only recapping her.

Car. Driving. Day. Kelly. Bad Nanny. Bad Nanny is on the phone. Kelly is groggy and pissy. Bad Nanny asks why Kelly is so tired, and she says they went out with Kurt's sister who is living with Courtney and who just moved her and who is so sweet and so nice and Jack took her out and she doesn't know what's going on between them but anyway"I'm sorry, but I think Courtney Love is one of the most intelligent people I've ever met in my life," Kelly says. Well, you should be sorry for saying that.

House. Day. Ozzy writes in a notebook and then brings it over to Sharon to show her. He says he's written some lyrics and melodies, and he wants her to look at them. Meanwhile, she's talking to Bad Nanny on the speakerphone and asking how Kelly is and making her promise not to let Kelly go out. Ozzy stands by impatiently and then takes the book back, and she grabs it back as Bad Nanny is babbling about how she told Kelly, "Kelly, this is bullshit. This is fucking bullshit," and Sharon is still not reading, so Ozzy grabs the book and walks away saying, "Sharon, you're fucking nuts, babe." Sharon stares after him, confused.

House. Jack brings Brieann over and introduces her to Ozzy and then leaves them sitting in the living room together. They're both eating cherries or something, and Ozzy says he met her brother on a couple of occasions and he was really cool. She nods, smiling. She eats some candy and Ozzy tells her not to eat that, that it's poison. She laughs, deeply amused. Goddamn, this girl is beautiful. She sort of looks like a cross between Courtney and Kurt, which is really spooky, because she's not Francis Bean. Then there is a weird squeaking noise and Ozzy wonders what it is, and they discover that it's this rotisserie cooker with a chicken cooking on it, making a noise as it rotates the meat. Ozzy dubs it a "haunted spit." Ozzy says, "How the hell does it work, man?" He says it needs some oil and then jokes that they put one of the dogs in there. Lola is not amused. Jack asks what this white stuff on the bottom is. "Smegma," says Ozzy. It's great how they're both over here babbling about nothing, too nervous to sit with Brieann. "It's a haunted fucking cooker," says Ozzy. Commercials.

House. Day. Ozzy gets his hair colored as he sits around with Kelly and Bad Nanny. They discuss how much it would cost to get Kelly's tattoo removed. Ozzy says something, and I swear I can't understand more than one or two words, but by the look on his face, I'd say he's stoned or drunk out of his gourd. I think the gist is that tattoos are addictive. Kelly then full-on tattles that Jack has a tattoo and that it's on his back. "Oh, for God's sake," says Sharon.

Kitchen. Jack and Brieann are hanging and talking about how it sounds like there's still a live chicken in the cooker as Ozzy shuffles into the room and says, "The howling spit." His shuffle, especially when he's chewing gum, is a total pimp walk. I'm thinking of trying it out. Ozzy asks what the kids are making for food, and Brieann says she'll make herself a sandwich that she'll force herself to eat. Yeah, totally Kurt's relative. Jack then asks what she wants.

Different day, as they're in different clothes now, but they make it seem like it's the same day -- Jack makes some pizza but he forgot to take off the cardboard. Ha. How didn't that burn?

"Getting To Know You" plays as we get a Jack and Brieann montage. Brieann smirks at Jack's bad cooking. All the scenes are about them eating. She's in sleep clothes a lot -- so I guess they're dating. Lucky lucky Jack. Food. Food. Cooking. Muffins. (Dirty!) Lola watches. Brieann eats cake and then smiles. Brieann, wearing an off-the-shoulder "Dark Side of the Moon" shirt, eats a banana. Guh. Jack makes beans and toast. Brieann smiles. In a car, they eat jerky together. Wow, Jack likes food.

House. Night. Kelly brings up Jack's tattoo again; Bad Nanny and Bad Drummer Sarah are there, and Bad Nanny jokes that the tattoo says "Melinda" on his shoulder. Jack says the day he does that is the day he'd slash his own eyes out. Bad Nanny says she's hurt by that. Then Kelly mumbles something that I guess is about having "Melinda" tattooed on her pussy. Bad Nanny says, "Ewwwww," and says she'll see everyone tomorrow.

Out. Shopping. Does Sharon bring Minnie everywhere? Wow, that's annoying. Ozzy calls from home, asking if he recites some lyrics, can she tell him what she thinks? He says the song is called, "The One To Say Goodbye." "God only knows how much I love you. You really mean the world to me." Meanwhile, Sharon keeps shopping. Sharon starts talking to the saleslady about the delivery date as Ozzy says, "Sharon. Sharon. Sharon." Finally she puts the phone back to her ear and he goes on, "You've got to keep fighting. Don't pick up your wings and fly." Then he stutters over the chorus of, "I don't-- I don't-- I don't want to be the one to say goodbye." Now this is manufactured, but he asks if she thinks it's nuts, and Sharon just starts talking to the saleslady and then tells Ozzy she'll talk to him later and hangs up. He starts, "Uh, verse" and then the operator comes on, and Ozzy hangs up pissed and grabs his lyric book. If for some reason that wasn't manufactured, goddamn, that's funny. Commercials.

House. Night. Sharon brings Ozzy and Jack to show them the turkey cooking on the spit. Ozzy is drunk. Sharon asks them who the boxer is who has the ovens. "Sylvester Stallone," says Ozzy. Hee. Finally they figure it out, as Ozzy just keeps saying "Sylvester Stallone." I can't believe people are wearing Mickey Mouse shirts again. Seriously. I wish trucker hats would come back instead of that shit.

The fam and friends eat a big dinner. Someone serves Ozzy. "More," he says, and he whinnies like a horse. Bitch Boy hands Ozzy more gravy. Ozzy is fucked up. There's always a dark side, people. Ozzy hates the greens, saying that it's like a bunny rabbit. He's sort of shaking and then he says it tastes like an old branch. Bitch Boy cracks up. He's so in love with Ozzy. Sharon says, dead serious, "Ozzy, please." Then Ozzy says, "It's a bit strong, the cabbage." "Would you shut up about the cabbage? It's perfect," says Sharon. Ozzy stares at her confused for a bit, then says, "Okay." Then Ozzy gives up on eating and just stares at Bitch Boy and makes noises, trying to crack Bitch Boy up. It works. Ozzy is all petulant and shaking. "Possum food, this is," he says, frowning darkly. Bitch Boy laughs and then says, "It's full of iron, though." "So is a box of nails," Ozzy responds. Nice. People laugh. Jack and Brieann and some lady arrive. Jack asks how the food is. Ozzy says, "The meal was crap. The wine was great."

Now they're in the hall and Ozzy wants to play his song for Jack. Brieann shakes Ozzy's hand and says, "Nice to meet you." They already met. Weird. The captioners are probably just wrong. Poor captioners. This must be the worst job in all of captioning. The hazing job. Jack asks if the song is old school. Ozzy says, "It's totally old school." They sit listening to the song. It sounds like a temp track, as Ozzy vocals are pretty rough. It's the song he read to Sharon before. They have no reaction.