Tennis Racket

Hotel hallway. A room service tray filled with food slides down the hall with the camera mounted on it, as if Spike Lee shot this episode. Ozzy, having finished his meal, sits at a table waiting for dessert. Bitch Boy indeed brings him dessert -- a pack of gum. Ozzy is very excited, until he actually tries to open the thing. He mumbles and stutters and curses until finally a piece of gum pops out, landing on the floor. Ozzy picks it off the floor and pops it into his mouth. Hasn't he seen those reports about hotel rooms and what the black lights show everywhere? Four out of five dentists don't recommend putting that into your mouth. Credits. Song.

This episode is called "Tennis Racket."

Music box music plays as the Osbournes sleep. And a noise breaks the silence -- it's the neighbors playing tennis. Ozzy is woken up. Kelly comes and complains to Sharon, who calls the neighbors "bastards." Sharon bitches that it's their tennis court, which is "constantly, constantly used." I have no rich friends, but I have seen a good deal of private tennis courts in what I like to call my "Extreme Jealousy Drives" through the Hollywood and Beverly Hills, and I have yet to see a private tennis court being used. Kelly bitches that they're listening to Crazytown. Okay, that's too much -- they need to call 911 right the fuck now. Sharon is aghast and says, "Let's burn their house down." Since last week when they actually played her saying that, something has obviously changed in the MTV or Sharon Osbourne lawyer camp, because suddenly they've bleeped out the whole sentence. They were either afraid the neighbors could use it against them, or that kids love Sharon Osbourne so much they'd follow her words and start lighting their neighbors' houses on fire for parking in their driveway or stealing their newspaper.

House. Day. Garden. A cat roams. A flower. Ozzy makes tea in the kitchen. He and Sharon go out onto their balcony to chill. The tennis people are playing and yelling. Some little girl yells, "We all win!" which indicates that she doesn't know how to play tennis at all, because the whole point of tennis is that one person feels good about himself at the end, while the other feels like shit. Why play, otherwise? Ozzy is working on another scary drawing, unbothered, he's so into his art, while Sharon hangs her head annoyed and says, "Jesus Christ" -- although she might have just caught a glimpse of Ozzy's drawing.

Someone at the gate signs for a delivery. That night, Sharon opens it. It was obviously messengered from door -- which is really funny. They called someone and paid a company twenty bucks to pick something up and drive it door. I guess it makes sense that if you live behind a gate, never even parking out on the street, you would literally never talk to your neighbors. Sharon opens it to find a note from someone who says she/he is "sort of" one of her annoying neighbors. We see a FLASHBACK of Sharon yelling at the bratty English kid and then Sharon throwing the ham over the fence, saying that this is a picture of his wife's cunt. Then Ozzy shuffles along carrying a log -- which sounds way dirtier than I intended. "Ozzy, not wood!" shouts Sharon, which also sounds dirtier than she intended. Ozzy throws the wood into a window and gets caught on a hammock trying to run (read: shuffle slowly) away.

The note says that the "dog artwork and dog necklace" were made by a friend, and this is sent as a peace offering. She goes on to say that she recently lost her dog to coyotes. Man, this neighbor is not only loud and has bratty kids, but she also has terrible taste. Sharon, meanwhile, thinks it's "so damn cute." She says that she has to go over there tomorrow. No she won't.

Backyard. Jack is grilling. Ozzy says it's like living between John McEnroe's lunatic brother and Peter, Paul, and Hitler. Okay, I get it. Who knew Ozzy would ever swoop in to clear anything up? The ham/singing/English neighbors are on one side, while the tennis people are on another. Ozzy yells for the tennis players to shut the fuck up, but he doesn't full-voice it. He bitches that they couldn't have built the tennis court any closer to Ozzy's backyard. I don't think they just built this, though, because the Osbournes have only been here for three years, and we wouldn't have learned about the construction during the show. Ozzy fantasizes about having his band rehearse in the yard. Jack asks if he should go get his drum kit. "If you want to," says Ozzy. "I think I will," says Jack. As one of the dogs plays happily with a tennis ball that's flown over the fence, Ozzy says that it's about time they had another family feud.

Jack has the drums set up and Ozzy says, "Go for it, son," with the same tone as when he was watching the dogs hump last week. A little creepy, that. Ozzy and Lola both watch Jack bang a gong. Wow. I never thought anyone could be a worse drummer than Kelly's friend Sarah, but lo and behold, I give you Jack Osbourne. Ozzy shuffles inside, yelling, "Sharon!" as if he'd suddenly realized his son is a shitty musician, and the realization hurts. Or he just got stung by a bee.

Kitchen. A cat jumps athletically onto the counter to eat. Sharon says she's going to the English Tea Room for scones and tea. Ozzy -- bored and lonely, I guess, or just in need of some scones -- asks if he should come with. Kelly, playing with Lola, says she's going to go buy a cat because Sharon wants a new rag doll. Ozzy starts twitching, and says, "Kelly, can I ask you a favor?" and tells her "no more fucking animals." Kelly and Sharon start incongruously talking about how kittens don't even leave the one room for two months. (Really, the only people who should be bitching about no more cats are the help.) Ozzy begs, and Sharon literally turns her back on Ozzy, saying, "I can't." "Of course you can," says Ozzy. But the matter is settled, and Sharon goes outside to feed the dogs licks from some sort of dog treats in a toothpaste tube. Yuck. Ozzy deadpans that he should change his name to "Ozzy Doolittle." Well, judging from his word searches and his drawings and his backyard MetRx-shake-fests, I'd say the name fits. (Get it? Because he does so little. No? Okay.)

Night. Sharon sits out on the balcony as the neighbors blast music and play tennis. Sharon bitches that she wishes she had something to throw. "I think they need more than a ham."

Inside. Sharon asks Lola to go outside and bark. She asks Lola to be a dog for once, and then escorts the obedient and confused dog out the door. Jack eats as Sharon bitches that there's never any peace and she can't go outside or even have the door open because of the constant noise. She says that last night she wanted to hang out in the yard, but there were a million people door with the tennis, and getting angrier she yells about "McEnroe making so much fucking noise!" Someone yells back, and Sharon yells, "Fuck you!" and shuts the door. Commercials.

Wow, these MTV "Hard Rock Live" concerts they're doing couldn't feature bands I dislike more -- except for The Roots and Queens, they're good. But I'm glad they're all bad -- I just saved ten hours of my life.

House. Day. Tennis. Sharon and Bad Nanny hang around Sharon's room. Sharon invokes poor McEnroe's name once more as they discuss how rude the neighbors are. Bad Nanny does a pretty good impression of a Beverly Hills lady saying, "Hello. My son is here to play tennis. Can you let him in?" "They need a bollocking," decrees Sharon. Indeed. What's that?

Lawn. We pan across the lawn, seeing tennis ball after tennis ball. Ozzy sits in the yard making his scary drawing. Whoa! Even Marilyn Manson would see this one and be like, "Yo, dude. That's some fucked up shit." Then Ozzy stands up and starts doing some dumbbell curls, smiling to some unseen figure. Or to the ghosts of his past. Then he puts on some classical music and goes back to his art. Tennis interrupts him until Ozzy gets up and puts on a CD of heavy heavy shit. It's one of those bands where the lead singer just screams, ripping up his vocal chords. Love it. Ozzy watches as one of the tennis kids jumps up and down to the music. Ozzy goes back to his drawing.

Neighborhood. Mister Rogers' Neighborhood music plays as some Ozzy helper tells Bitch Boy and Bad Nanny that the neighbor who owns the house door says there is cat shit on the tennis court and cat hair on her outdoor furniture, and she wants someone to come clean it up. Okay, no cat would shit in the middle of a tennis court. It's probably the coyotes. Or Jason Dill. A cat drinks from the sink as the dude suggests they should get the cat shit and tell the lady they're going to do a forensic study to make sure it's really their cats. He goes on to say that the lady is "afraid of cats," and that the black cat worked its way down to a bowling alley they have beneath the tennis courts. Bad Nanny, a big fan of the sport of bowling, wants now to make friends with the lady. Jesus. Rich people are crazy. Afraid of cats? For real? There really is nothing quite as bone-chilling as the sound of a meow.

House. Day. Sharon gets her make-up done as Ozzy sits on the floor watching. Jack is in his bathrobe with some little hottie blonde girl standing to him. Ozzy jokes that while he's the "Prince of Darkness," Sharon is the Princess. What are the kids? Jack says he's the "Duke of Darkness," which Ozzy finds hysterical. He says that Kelly and Aimee are the "Duchesses of Darkness." The blonde girl is the "Girl-Who-Is-Fucking-Jack-With-Vague-Hopes-It'll-Help-Her-Acting-Career of Darkness." Sharon goes on to explain that this morning, the neighbor came over in her tennis gear to demand someone clean up the cat shit and wipe up the cat hair. The fam all freaks out -- while the blonde hangs out behind, wondering what's become of her life. They talk about the tennis balls and wonder what would happen if one hit Minnie. Sharon says that the woman would be something at the something of her something -- again, beeped out for legal reasons. But then Ozzy clearly says that they should get some landmines. Jack drug-babbles about landmines that they can turn on only at night when the dogs are all inside. Meanwhile, Ozzy is suddenly talking to some dude in the background who looks like a psychiatrist, who is also drinking a Corona. What the hell is going on? Jack continues on about injecting GHB into a wine bottle as the blonde wishes she could go brush her teeth. Everyone wonders what the fuck Jack is talking about as the blonde starts giggling hysterically (and desperately) and Sharon wonders if this is I Spy (no, no one would be watching if it were), and Ozzy is suddenly doing dumbbell curls again. This is the strangest fucking family of all time. Then Jack talks about shooting paintballs into the air and down onto her court. Ozzy gets serious and says, "You -- you -- you cannot do that, Jack."

CUT TO: Jack with a paintball gun. He tells his plan to someone on the phone.

Night. Side of house. Jack, dressed in full gear, plays paintball with some unseen someone in the backyard. Again, poor hired help who have to clean the paint off everything in the morning.

Morning. House. Jack's room. He wakes up, stretching floppily. Jack fires his paintball gun at some dog toys sitting in the yard. That'll be great when the dogs poison themselves trying to chew on their toys. Suddenly, a siren starts, and it's probably just Boys With Avids piecing this all together, but it's still pretty funny. Jack runs inside and up to his room as we hear a police scanner, and then Ozzy yells, "Jack!" and Jack turns around quickly, nervous.

The big guy from before is talking to a cop out front. The cop is saying that he's seen paintball on the TV before, and some of the guns go pretty far. The dude counters that therefore maybe it's from someone else's gun? Wait, aren't the cops and neighbors going to see this episode and then have proof positive? Sharon needs to fire those lawyers for letting this get on the air.

Upstairs, Ozzy watches from a window as Sharon gets her make-up done.

The cop says that no one is saying it's Jack, but if they are playing with paintball, don't shoot it in the direction of the tennis court.

Upstairs, Sharon wonders what's going on. "Daddy?" she says. Ozzy mumbles something about the tennis court door.

House. Day. Ozzy walks up the stairs, looking at all the cat photos. He asks what happened to all their "wildcat-looking cats." What? Is he just suddenly realizing he hasn't seen those cats in the while, or did he hear something about missing cats? He goes into Sharon's bedroom. She says that someone stole her "Tiggie." Ozzy says, "Who?" Sharon says that the cat didn't come home last night. Those cats all come home every night? I guess they know where their liver toothpaste snacks come from. Sharon thinks it's the "bastard neighbors." Ozzy once again says, "Pardon." "Tiggie," says Sharon. "Tiggie, who?" says Ozzy. "Tiggie. Tigger, our cat." "Who?" "Our cat." "Went where?" Finally Sharon says he went missing. She talks in that voice I hate to the cat Gus about how they should feed him up here from now on, and he can be "Prince Gus of" And Ozzy chimes in, surprising us all that he knows what the hell is going on, saying, "Gusington." Sharon cackles, and Ozzy walks away; Sharon asks where he's going.

Workers put "Missing Cat" signs all over. Oh, that's so optimistic. That cat is coyote scat by now. Ozzy looks around the house for the cat as some worker puts up signs around the neighborhood. He explains that they're concerned because one of their favorite cats has gone missing. It's genius how the family has all the workers referring to the Osbournes' stuff as "ours" and "we." Brainwashed them all. It's the Stockholm Syndrome.

CUT BETWEEN: Ozzy looks in the bathtub, saying, "Tiggie." Ha ha, very funny, Boys With Avids. The worker asks someone parked in a van if he's seen a cat. Ozzy looks downstairs. The worker asks some other workers. Ozzy shuffles out back, saying he doesn't want the coyotes to get the cat. The worker comes back to the house, saying they need to find this cat. Ozzy opens a glasses case and "says," "Tiggie." Boo. Commercials.

Back. House. Night. The neighbors play tennis. Ozzy tries to program the TV as Sharon wonders where "Hilts" (?) and "Gus" are. "We're losing all the cats," she says, yelling for them out the back door. Ozzy still can't get the TV right. "Come on, Gus!" says Sharon. Ozzy still can't get the TV. He hangs his head.

Upstairs. Sharon gets her hair colored as she tells a shirtless Ozzy that it's too much of a coincidence that three cats have gone missing. No, the coyotes are just like, "Dude, that house down there has one thousand animals just roaming around free! It's like fish in a barrel. Seriously! You gotta check it out." Sharon whines that she just wants her cats back. It is pretty sad. Sharon says that it's the tennis players and Ozzy says that it's the coyotes, and that he heard one get a cat the other night. Sharon says through clenched teeth, very Lady Macbeth, "Don't lie, Ozzy." Yikes. I think that's a dagger I see before her.