Fists of Fury

Is it weird that I really like that Beyonce video? I don't even like Beyonce. I really don't like Jay-Z. However, I think it may be the best song ever written. What has happened to me?

Ozzy is in the kitchen, fussing with the trash. He pulls out a balloon, wondering why would someone put a balloon in the trash. He mumbles and then pops the balloon. "Burst the fucking thing," he says. This first segment is very much like Liz Phair these days: openly desperate, pathetically forced, trying to recapture lightning in a bottle, and yet for some reason, it still works a little bit. But oh Lord, how I am so sick of the Boys With Avids doubling or even faking audio to create comedy. Please stop, Boys. Every time, you make the baby Jesus weep.

This episode is called "Fists of Fury." Garden. Fish. Geese. Flowers. A "No Smoking" sign. Sharon is getting made up. She's telling the women who have to take the bus up to Sharon's house to fix her face and clean up the house how she's going to Hawaii with Ozzy for four days of vacation. She jokingly worries about hurricanes. Meanwhile, these women who make seven bucks an hour now also have to pretend to give a shit. That's just messed up. Women pack Sharon's clothes. A little puppy plays on the bed; then Lola jumps up and growls at the thing, making it cower. The maid says, "Please be nice to the baby." "Okay, sorry," says Lola.

Downstairs, dogs crowd around Kelly and then start fighting. Kelly pulls Lola off and then picks up one of the dogs. Six other dogs jump at Kelly's feet, wanting to eat the other dog. "Oh my God," says Kelly, taking the dog outside.

In the kitchen, Ozzy tells Jack that for the few months there is a curfew, in that he can't bring people over to the house after 11 PM. Jack, terrified, wonders if it means he has to be home at 11. Ozzy says no, but if he comes home after 11, he can't bring "half of the Rainbow" home with him. (He's referring to a Sunset Strip club here, folks. It took me a minute to figure it out too.)

Huge walk-in closet. Sharon and Bitch Boy. Sharon is looking for a black bag with a hard bottom and two handles. Bitch Boy climbs on a ladder and pulls out black bag with a hard bottom and two handles after black bag with a hard bottom and two handles. None of them is the one Sharon's looking for. Finally, Sharon just walks away, saying, "Fuck it, Tone." Ha

Jack. On phone. He's inviting people over to the party he's not allowed to have while Ozzy and Sharon are in Hawaii. He says, "We're going to have a whole bunch of individual single Jewish women come over and get super-drunk." He asks the girl on the other end if she has a curfew and she says, "No. Not at all." Man, it is so easy to be popular when you're rich and have a nice pool. Seriously. I'm pretty sure that's all it takes. I need me a pool.

A maid shows Ozzy some clothes. He says they aren't his. Wow. Good scene.

Jack's room. Jack invites more people over. The camera finds a little bag of McDonald's sundae peanuts on which someone has written, "Jack's Nut Sack." Eh. Jack is telling the person on the phone that they have to do vodka shots with Jack or they're not invited to the party. Jack is also telling us, "I need help."

Kelly and Robert come to Sharon. Kelly tells Sharon that it's going to be so awful when she leaves, because she's not going to be there to mediate. Sharon says that Bad Nanny and David (?) will be there. Lola has a better chance of keeping Jack in line. Kelly says that if Sharon could have seen Jack last night, she would have punched him. Sharon says that Kelly did punch and kick Jack this morning. Robert says that was "pretty sweet." Hee. Sharon says that Jack is a good boy, and Kelly says she knows that. "He still sleeps with a fucking teddy bear, for God's sake, Mom." Sharon geniusly deduces that it's "insecurity." Whoa! Where did you ever come up with that assessment? If only Sharon were as good at diagnosing "alcoholism" as she is "insecurity." Kelly says that if Jack is drunk this weekend, he's getting his ass kicked. Sharon says she's going to talk to him. She says she wants them to remember that it's hard for him. That's not the first time she's said that. But what the hell does that mean? What's hard for him? Getting drunk and laid all the time in his fucking mansion? I'm playing the world's tiniest English-made pudgy violin for him right now.

Jack's room. Still on the phone, he says that they can be as loud as they want, there is security there if anyone gets out of hand, and his mom doesn't care. Jack says they can get away with more at the house than they could at any club. Well, that's true. Poor Jack. Working so hard to have friends. he'll be offering them a hundred bucks to come over. (All of this is very telling in light of what he recently told MTV about why he went into rehab -- about how he realized he was hanging out with all these thirty-year-old losers who were going nowhere in life. Uh, Jason Dill, I'm looking in your dirty direction.)

Sharon tells us that she is terrified about what's going to happen at the house when they're gone. She says, by way of telling us she's still a good parent, that they have lots of people at the house watching them, but she feels like that Tom Cruise movie where the parents go away. Cocktail? Ladyhawke? She says she's going to come back to nothing. In all fairness, MTV shows a good deal of restraint here by not playing "Old Time Rock and Roll." Hee. Either that or they couldn't get the rights.

Sharon and Ozzy hug the kids. She tells the boys no fucking around. Then she feels the need to amend it, saying that she doesn't want them not to have funyou should have stopped when you were behind, Sharon.

Airport tarmac. More hugging. Sharon begs Bad Nanny to keep the kids apart. They get on their private plane. Bitch Boy is with them. It almost looks like he's flying the thing. That's scary. He tells them that the other plane was underpowered and this one is better. Ozzy makes an airplane noise. Then he says he's not going to Hawaii. I don't get it. Either he's scared of flying or he's scared of leaving the kids alone. With Bitch Boy at the controls here and Bad Nanny at the controls back there, he should be scared of both. Commercials.

House. Door. Boys With Avids fuck around with the doorknocker and make its eyes open. The door opens. Inside. The kids arrive home. Robert says, "Everyone act sober." Robert's pants are almost off as he calls someone and tells them to get their ass over there. Robert trips out on the fish for a little bit. Jack tells Robert to turn the hot tub on. Wow, Jack is still treating him like an errand boy. Poor Robert. Jack jumps around with some old-ass dude who looks like Kid Rock, and some girl on a cell phone. Jack is clearly blitzed. Minnie cowers under a table. Kelly stares at them all, pissed. Kelly now complains to Bad Nanny and this David character about why does everyone have to come over to their house with their drunk-ass girlfriends? Um, because their house is dope and has absolutely no supervision.

Jack's room. He says he's going into the pool and he doesn't care if it's negative ten degrees.

Pool. Jack dives. People party. "Parents are out of town!" says Jack. Inside, Kelly bitches that she's not spending another night awake because of Jack and his stupid friends. Looks like she's wrong! She says that he treats the house like it's "Club Jack" as more and more cars pull up to the house. Lola barks and chases Robert. More people swim. God, that pool is dope. Kelly says that everyone has to leave. More swimming. Someone makes out in some room somewhere. Bad Nanny is pissed now. She says, "They're all fucking losers. Boring fucking halfwits." It's 3 AM. More cars pull up. Someone pantses Kid Rock. Jack dives again. He's totally going to bust his head open. More swimming. Swimming. A girl swims in panties and bra. Her panties almost fall off. Almost. Bad Nanny watches all this, totally helpless and pissed. David tries to lay down the law without seeming like the bad guy. "You gotta be quiet, bro," he says. "Shut it." Absolutely no one listens to him.

Kelly tells Bad Nanny that she's going to go out there in a minute. She bitches about how she'd like to have an interview where she's not almost fainting from being so tired because she can never get a night of sleep in this goddamn house. Robert swims in all his clothes, including shoes. Bad Nanny bitches, "What part of 'shut the fuck up' do these children not understand?" The "shut" part. And the "the" part. Also the "fuck" part and the "up" part, too. Bad Nanny, still complaining to her man because she has no recourse to actually deal with the problem itself, bitches that these are guests in people's homes. Sure, but the fucking host has told them how they're allowed to behave. Now Jack is talking to two total fucking losers in matching trucker hats. Seriously, y'all. These dudes are assholes. They look like Wayne and Garth, and not in a good way.

Take trucker hats, by the way. It seems to me that we have so much media these days, there is no way a trend can last more than a year at the most before TV comes along and ruins the trend by playing it out. At least that's my new theory. Discuss.

Bad Nanny and Kelly start yelling from the balcony. Jack tells them to shut up and that it's Friday night, and then he tells Kelly he can't hear what she's saying, and Fake Kid Rock is all, "She's instigating a scene. We're just having a good ol' time." Then he realizes what a douchebag he is, and in a split second his whole narrowly-constructed universe of lies and false coolness comes crashing down on top of himbut then before he loses it forever, he pushes Jack and Robert into the pool and suddenly he can believe the lies again!

Kelly is outside now, talking to some girl whose shirt is so wet that her tits are visible and MTV has to blot them out. Gee. Thanks. Kelly bitches to Titty Girl that Jack's life is not a twenty-four-hour party and he needs to wake up and realize that these people aren't really his friends, they just want to come to Ozzy's house. The girl is like, "Huh? Tee hee." Kelly now confronts Jack about inviting "half of Malibu" over every night. He says it's not every night. She bitches that she can't sleep, and Jack says, "Check it out, Kelly. I don't care." What an asshole. Little creep. Kelly then swings at Jack's face, and Jack does his whole pussy thing of saying, "Hit me!" and cowering at the same time. Bad Nanny is screaming for Dave to come and saying, "No hitting!" Jack and Kelly fall on the ground fighting. Titty Girl whispers from the other side of the garden, waving, "Jack! Bye Jack!" Ha. Bad Nanny tries to get them off each other, and finally David comes and separates them. Titty Girl once again waves, "Jack!" Jack comes up yelling to Kelly, in some weird drunken logic, "What are you getting out of that?" Titty Girl once again, "Jack! I'll call you tomorrow." Hee, with the phone hand gesture and everything. Brilliant. Jack yells, "You're a fucking idiot, Kelly," as Kelly huffs back inside the house. Bad Nanny lets three girls inside, and then makes a face to their backs as they pass.

Jack yells to Dave that he never touched Kelly. INTERCUT: Between Jack at the pool recounting to Dave what happened, and Kelly upstairs in bed with Bad Nanny, doing the same thing. Kelly says Jack did deserve it. Jack says Kelly's ring cut his face open. Kelly says that Jack is a selfish asshole. Jack says, "I will punch her in the face. I will knock the bitch out." (God, being in America is just terrible for these kids. They should really go back to England as soon as possible.) Kelly says Jack has no fucking life. Jack says that Kelly's issues go way deeper than normal childhood angst. Kelly is now laughing. She wonders why her brother has to be such a selfish douchebag all the time. Commercials.

House. Night. Bad Nanny runs crying to Sharon, calling her on the phone in Hawaii. God. It must be late there. Sharon gets on the phone and asks Kelly what happened. Kelly says they got into the biggest fight and it was insane. Downstairs, Robert tells Jack that Sharon is on the phone with Kelly. Jack picks up the phone, and Kelly is still talking about how Bad Nanny asked them to be quiet, and Jack said it's a Friday night and then he asked to be hit, so she hit him. Jack busts in and says he's tired of Kelly's bullshit. But none of what she said was a lie! There is yelling, and finally Sharon asks where Kelly hit him, and she says, "In the face." Jack says he has two cuts on his face. Kelly goes on that there are drunk people with their girlfriends sleeping here and Jack has turned it into the Osbourne Inn. Then she calls it Club Osbourne and I really wish she'd get her names straight. It's confusing me -- Club Jack, Osbourne Inn, Club Osbourne. You should pick just one name for the invitations. Now Jack goes off about how opening up someone's face is not what a normal person does. Kelly says Sharon would have hit Jack too. The Boys With Avids fake Ozzy yelling, "Sharon!" and she says she has to go and hangs up.

Robert asks if Jack's okay, and he finally sees the cuts on Jack's face. Upstairs, Kelly laughs to Bad Nanny and David, and they all start joking about the meaning of life, and David points out that it's 4:30 in the morning. If this is Bad Nanny's room, it's pretty fucked up that they keep her in this tiny servant room, but damn, it's funny. "Why don't we go for round two," Bad Nanny unwisely jokes.

Jack arrives in Bad Nanny's peasant room and says that Kelly has a problem resorting to violence, because that's all she really has. Kelly retorts that he has a problem with listening. Jack then yells that he was just getting out of the pool at the time and putting his "dressing gown" on. Hee. Dressing gown! Dork. He dorks out even more by saying that Kelly had to "confrontate" him. Man, I think that boy better get back in school. Kelly then says he told her to hit him, so she did -- and Jack better not tell her to do stuff that he's not prepared for. Okay, that makes no sense whatsoever, but whatever. They're too rich to have to make sense. Jack goes off, saying "confrontate" two more times. No one corrects him -- not because they don't want to interrupt, but because I don't think any of them knows that it's not a real word. Jack asks some question that makes no sense, so Kelly just responds with, "You are so selfish." Jack retorts that no, she is the selfish one. Suddenly, Robert gets on the intercom and says that there is a drunk Mexican named Jose with his girlfriend who he just let in because they need a place to crash. Okay, that's kind of funny. They all take a quick beat, and go right back to arguing.

Jack is lying that she just needs to talk to him when she wants him to stop with the noise, and Kelly calls him "blind, deaf, and retarded." David tries to get them to just talk to each other, but no one listens to him. Robert gets on the intercom again, saying that there is a dwarf who is really fucked upbut he didn't really think this one through very well, so he just hangs up. Jack says, "When was the last time I hit you?" Kelly says that Jack strangled her earlier tonight (no, don't risk fucking up Kelly Osbourne's golden vocal chords!). Jack shows the two cuts on his face and Kelly laughs, "They're tiny, Jack." Jack calls her a bitch, and she says that yes, she's a bitch -- she's tired. Robert on the intercom again. He says the dwarf went over to pet the dog and the dog bit his nose off and he's bleeding everywhere. Hee. I can't believe this fighting is still going on.