MTV is just starting to use promos with a trucker's cap? Way to be on the cutting edge, there, guys. Oh, and hey. Good luck with VH1.
House. Night. Ozzy shuffles out of his bedroom and tells the passing Sharon that someone has been in his room and has stolen the beers out of his room. Sharon pithily replies, "I don't think so, darling," totally stumping Ozzy, who just sort of groans a reply. "Who would do that?" ask Sharon. Ozzy mumbles again, slack-jawed. Ozzy is like my cat. I talk to her, and she meows a little and then sits there with her mouth partially open, trying very hard to figure out what the fuck I'm saying and why, but really all she knows is that I'm moving my mouth in some sort of communicative pattern. Sharon goes on, "Who could possibly do that? Who's the beer thief? You! You're the beer thief." Sharon breezes into the room, leaving Ozzy literally and figuratively scratching his head. Hee. And also: blackouts and alcoholism are funny, MTV! Thanks! And I'm sure we'll witness a lot more of that on MTV during the three or four years of Ashton Kutcher's sure-to-be-quick life. (I'm kidding! Ashton is totally not going to die. He's going to live, forever!)
The title: "Run Ozzy Run." House. Day. Fake "Eye of the Tiger" music plays as Ozzy works out with the guy who is sort of that Body By Jake guy. Ozzy benches 25 pounds. Ozzy curls 15. Ozzy boxes, surprisingly spry and fast on the bag. I'm sure when I'm his age I'll just look at a punching bag and get winded. Ozzy is on the Stairmaster. Body By Jake tells us that Ozzy is running five miles tomorrow on his birthday (Ozzy's, not Body By Jake's -- that would be sweet, but weird). Ozzy does 700 crunches. What? Seriously? I can't believe it. He's my idol. Body By Jake babbles to Ozzy to keep his mind off his workout, talking about the run tomorrow and how it'll be nice and cool and how old are you now? "Fifty-four years of hell-raising," says Ozzy, looking right now like he couldn't raise a Tootsie Pop to his lips, let alone all of hell. Body By Jake keeps babbling, saying some bullshit about how Ozzy "coined" the phrase, "You gotta work hard and play hard." He did? Really? Are you sure? Body By Jake now stands behind Ozzy, lifting his arms up. Like a four-year-old, Ozzy starts smiling and says, "Yeah! Fifty-four!" So strange. And then he stops smiling. Body By Jake totally "yes and's" him by saying, "Bring it on, right?" Wow.
Then Ozzy cools down and tells us he's stoked for tomorrow's run. Bitch Boy, meanwhile, calls the driver/dealer who is delivering Ozzy's new BMW. "Put the fucking pedal to the metal," Ozzy yells.
The BMW pulls up. Ozzy sees it. "It's fucking great," he says. Man. It is pretty fat. Ozzy gets in the passenger side. Ha. Ozzy totally can't drive. That's brilliant.
They go for a ride. Someone drives. Bitch Boy sits bitch. That's great. Driver shows Ozzy the voice recognition system, hitting a button and then saying, "Radio on." Everyone laughs. It's so KITT, this car. "Does it understand my accent?" asks Bitch Boy. "It understands anybody." Nice set-up. Because then Ozzy gives it a go. Driver tells him to ask the radio to turn on. "Turn on, please," Ozzy mumbles. Hee. KITT tells him he's asking for the destination map, or something. "Radio off," says Ozzy. "Please repeat the name." Ozzy goes again. Nothing. He keeps mumbling, "Radio. Radio." KITT says, "Telephone menu." "Shut the fuck up!" yells Ozzy.
Street. Ozzy carries flowers. "Stolen from the local cemetery," he tells a gawker. Ozzy goes into a medical building where Sharon is getting chemo and sitting with Jack. Kelly is on MTV, and they watch. Sharon is touched by the flowers. Ozzy sits down with her. Sharon jokingly asks whose birthday it is tomorrow and Ozzy says he's running five miles. Sharon ignores him and asks what he'd like to do for his birthday. He repeats that he's running five miles, and she just thanks him for remembering her today and says she barely saw him yesterday or today. Sharon's monitor keeps beeping, and Ozzy shuffles over to it and raises his arms in that trying-to-figure-something-out way he does. He pushes some buttons, and Jack tells him he shouldn't touch it, and then they fucking edit in Sharon yelling, "Ozzy!" -- but you can totally see her on the phone in the background. Nice job, Boys With Avids. Nice job. Commercials.
Oh, hey. Have you seen The New Tom Green Show? Can someone explain it to me? Is he kidding? Is he doing Letterman, but boring, on purpose? Is there some grand comic idea behind the terrible, or is Tom Green just way less talented than we thought, even in the revisionist post-Freddy Got Fingered downscaled-expectations way we still thought he might be a bit funny? It's a mystery, man. And also, why would MTV simply try to blend in? It's never done that. Odd corporate strategy, guys.
House. Day. Ozzy unwraps a gift, which looks like a porno. But no. Bitch Boy explains that it's a watch you put on your wrist that has a heart monitor. Ozzy supposedly keeps yelling that it's a stopwatch. More Boys With Avids. Fun.
Kitchen. Body By Jake is pouring water and explaining -- in his fake overly-enthusiastic trainer way that makes you want to punch him out -- that Ozzy wanted to get up and go at six, and now they're "cooling down" (don't you do that afterwards?) and having some turkey. Should you really eat turkey right before you run five miles? "Nothing to it, right?" asks Body By Jake. Ozzy ignores him as Body By Jake laughs and then pours what he calls a "Pete-approved concoction." (Hee. He said "cock.") And also: I guess his name is Pete. I don't like that name for him. Body By Jake it is.
And they go. Body By Jake says, "What's up with this?" about his new BMW. Ozzy swears. Body By Jake jokes that it might take them a while to get there in this thing and does it have any speed? He laughs to the camera, and Ozzy shuts the door on him. He asks Ozzy if he wants another piece of turkey. "No!" Ozzy maybe says. Now there is more fun showing Body By Jake the voice recognition system of KITT. It ignores Ozzy; it listens to Bitch Boy. They discuss how it's supposed to work for anyone's voice, and Ozzy says "radio on" a couple of times, and it says, "Pardon me?" Body By Jake finds it all very amusing, and then it gives Ozzy the "Radio Menu" and Ozzy remarks that he doesn't want the fucking radio menu. Ozzy then wonders what the hell he's doing, and laughing, he tells KITT to "fuck off." KITT responds, "Telephone menu." Everyone laughs. "Fuck off," says Ozzy. "Please state your message," says KITT. "Fuck off," says Ozzy. "Pardon me?" says KITT. Ozzy turns back to the camera, laughing. Ozzy keeps telling KITT to "fuck off." I won't mention the last little joke because once again, it's totally faked. Much like Demi's Moore teeth.
At the track. Body By Jake is trying to pump Ozzy up by talking a mile a minute. I would so yell for him to shut the fuck up if I was about to run five miles. He talks about Ozzy's back and legs, and they stretch as Body By Jake talks about his laces and then even demonstrates how he's going to hand Ozzy his drink container as they run, and he should just squeeze it and "give it a punch." Ozzy gives it a punch. Ozzy would like to give Body By Jake a punch, I'm sure. More stretching. Ah, Bitch Boy is going to run too. His cell phone rings, and he has a jaunty conversation. Bitch Boy's cell rings again, and he has another jaunty talk. The phone rings once more as they're walking a lap, and Ozzy says, "Turn the fucking phone off, Tony. Turn it off." Bitch Boy jauntily says he has to go. "Get rid of it," says Ozzy, and Bitch Boy throws it, open, into the grass. That's really not very good for your phone. Ozzy jokingly goes to kick it, and Bitch Boy yells for him not to. Body By Jake finds it very amusing. Bitch Boy runs and retrieves his cell phone.
Body By Jake babbles about how this is the day to do it and the sun isn't "banging" on them (ew) and Bitch Boy has his "Olympic training gear" on. Ozzy and Body By Jake bump fists, and then they start running, the three of them. They're off!
Running. Running. MTV plays friggin' Benny Hill music as they run. Body By Jake babbles about just "gliding" and talking about the birthday. In a long shot, schoolgirls speed past the three. Hee. "You're fit. You're athletic. That's the good stuff, Ozzy," Body By Jake says. "This is a benchmark," says Body By Jake. "This is big news," says Body By Jake. Body By Jake tells him to "lengthen [his] stride."
Uh-oh. Then Ozzy stops. He mumbles that he can't do it and that his foot hurts -- something about wearing the wrong shoes yesterday. He says he got up wrong today and everything was wrong this morning. Aw. That's sad. Body By Jake wants to walk some laps. Ozzy hasn't broken in his shoes. Ozzy swears a lot, and then Body By Jake says they'll just rest today and do it tomorrow. Body By Jake keeps babbling as they walk, asking him if he wants to do it tomorrow. He tells Ozzy not to apologize and keeps talking about how it's not "lack of conditioning" but the fact that Ozzy wore a shoe yesterday that "irritated [his] foot." Yeah, and he also did tons of drugs decades ago that irritated his brain. Body By Jake is so fucking chipper. He could be in 1944 Warsaw and he'd be saying, "Yeah. No. This is great. This is the good stuff. You know, sure we're herded onto a train, but it's an adventure. It's fun times. Choo choo, right, guys?"
Back in the car. KITT ignores Ozzy. Body By Jake says, "But you know what? Big round of applause for coming out here and putting out the effort." Neil Young sings "Heart of Gold," and the Boys With Avids are behind this obviously as they fade out on a shot of Ozzy, with Neil singing, "And I'm getting old…" Commercials.
House. Day. Ozzy opens some gifts. One is a book on World War II. Ozzy keeps opening, talking to Bitch Boy. He says again, mysteriously, that he got up on the wrong foot this morning. What the hell does that mean? That's an eerie phrase he keeps repeating. Then Ozzy says, "Pete. He never shuts the fuck up." Hee. I'm glad he noticed. Bitch Boy then says he's noticed that he never drinks water. Ozzy has noticed that. Now Ozzy goes off, as we get a montage of shots of Body By Jake. "He never sweats. He never takes a piss. He never eats or drinks. Pete is not human…he's the devil personified. He's talking all the fucking time..." Ozzy keeps going off until he once again says that he's a "fucking alien, man." That's funny. Or as Body By Jake would say, "That's big news right there." "How old is he?" asks Bitch Boy. "Seventeen," Ozzy deadpans. Ha.
Upstairs. Railing. Sharon demonstrates how she can put her leg up on the railing, and then walks away. Ozzy tries it, and then can't get down. "I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I'm permanently here, Sharon. I ain't fucking joking."
Jack and crew get Ozzy to come downstairs early, making him come outside and look up at the sky. Jack is eating cereal with some tiny sixty-pound blonde ho. Nice work, Jack. They look up to the sky where a skywriter is writing, "Ozzy." Ozzy looks at it and then declares, "It's crap!" He complains it's too far up in the sky. Goddamn, that's funny. Everyone yells at him, saying they'd love it if it was their name and how great to have your name written five miles up in the sky, and Sharon just stares at him and calls him a "miserable old fuck. I'm going to make him write 54 now," she says. Suddenly Ozzy is enjoying it and he says, "Ah, Sharon. That's so beautiful," and goes to kiss her. Bitch Boy reveals his deep lack of funny as he says, "He's going to crash now." Jack then brags that he has real fireworks for tonight. "Whoa," says Ozzy.
Ozzy sits in the living room as Sharon asks him if he saw the cake Larry King brought him. What a fucking surreal statement. They ask if he wants cake, and he says that of course he wants cake, but he's training. Now some dude brings in a cake (Larry King's?) and opens it. It's great, with a gigantic bat on it. Ozzy says he loves it. Sharon tells him he can't have a piece yet.
Night. Dinner. Everyone cheers for Ozzy. He badly blows out the candles on another cake. Son Ozzy Hates is there too. That's so nice that they allow him to come to the house once a year. Suddenly, a dog fight erupts under the table and there is screaming, and Sharon climbs under there, and some blonde pulls up one of the dogs and says that they don't like "new baby." Great. They have a new dog? Good idea. The woman looks exactly like Jenna Elfman, minus the Scientology and plus huge bags under her eyes. Ozzy is now under the table. I wonder if he knows why he's under there.
Backyard. Robert and Jack and some dude set up big fireworks. "Safety first," they say. Jack leads everyone out to a safe viewing area. Some random older dude says that they should stand by the pool so they can just dive in if they have to. Son Ozzy Hates is left holding a huge thing of balloons. Hee. Robert and Jack light the fireworks and run. They fly straight up into the air. Pretty cool. "Oh, God!" they yell. "Wow." "That's bad for the ozone layer," says Robert. Of course Kelly, reminding us why we hate her now and why this is a good episode for having little of her, tries to ruin everything by dissing the fireworks: "Professional, my fat ass. Those are shit." Ironically, that's exactly what the public said about her CD.
Ozzy sucks some helium, but the Boys With Avids fake him saying, "Rock and Roll." How fucking stupid. More firecrackers go off as Jack tries to burn a balloon. Ozzy crouches with a huge pile of balloons as Sharon tells him to make a wish. Ozzy releases the balloons into the air. Soft music plays as they echo Sharon saying, "C'mon, Daddy. Wish wish wish." That's very weird.
Day. Track. UCLA girls cheer Ozzy on as they only have one lap to go. And then they're done. Whee! "Five miles, Tony!" Ozzy says to the unseen Bitch Boy. Maybe Ozzy is hallucinating. "Fifty-four. Run for your life," says Ozzy. Body By Jake tells Ozzy that he's like fine wine -- he gets better with age. Ozzy says, "Run for your life…they can't hit a moving target."
KITT. "This car fucking argues with you, man," says Ozzy. Ozzy yells at KITT, having a conversation with it. "Shut the fuck up! I've got the wife that nags me. Now I've got the fucking car that nags me."
time. Sharon and Ozzy are going to Hawaii. Sharon says it's going to be like Risky Business, the party that's going the happen the minute they leave. Jack lies that they're going to be "real good." CUT TO: Big party. Jack diving. Someone making out. Kelly tells Jack that he's treating the house like it's Club Jack. Jack, shirtless by the pool, pantses some guy. Oh m'God, that's gay. Kelly comes out, pissed, calling Jack a selfish asshole. Jack brags that he will "knock the bitch out." Ah, it was nice to have at least one episode without these two shitheads, wasn't it. They fight by the pool, Kelly, as usual, kicking his ass. Meanwhile, some Eliza Dushku-looking girl says, "Hey. Jack. I'll call you tomorrow." Hee. And that's it. See ya!