Mama, I'm Staying Home

Ozzy goes into the pantry to make some jam pudding. He pulls out a tin of strawberry jam and takes it to the electric can opener. He can't seem to figure the thing out and says, "Oh no," in a very disappointed voice. He mutters about everything being broken, and then he tries a hand-crank can opener but just gives up at the thought of it and walks away saying, "Forget it." So easily defeated. Like the Mets. Or France.

Credits. Song. The title is "Mama, I'm Staying Home."

Sharon is working, and Ozzy comes up to her all guiltily and says, "Mommy?" and Sharon patiently and lovingly says, "Yes, my darling." Now I don't know if it's more of Sharon's brilliant manipulation of all things, but the love with which she addresses her family in almost all situations is really nice. It almost makes up for the fact that she has no control over her kids, other than to kick the drug dealers out of her house every once in a while. Ozzy mutters, scared of her reaction, that he's not going to New York with them. She says, "Please. Come out of your bunker." Sharon then takes a phone call, while I like to imagine is actually just her hitting a button under her desk to make the phone ring. Ozzy shuffles a bit and then says really low and serious, "Sharon, it's my bunker." Goddamn, that's some good shit. Sharon agrees with me, laughing.

There's a whole weird conversation between Bitch Boy (who the captioners keep calling "Louis" -- who is actually Son Ozzy Hates) and Sharon and Jack, where Bitch Boy is finding out to his surprise that Ozzy is not going. Bad Nanny, all uppity and shit, says to Bitch Boy, "Then you're not going." That's fucked up. Bad Nanny is getting to be like Alice who used to always be all up in the Brady's business. Seriously, if I had a maid who kept butting in, telling me that Cindy is tattling and Greg has a girlfriend and Bobby is letting his hall monitor duties go to his head, I'd be like, "Yo Alice. Shut up and cook out dinner, maid! Oh, and you know your boyfriend with the meat, he can't come over to the house anymore. We ain't running no brothel. Go sleep out with Tiger."

Jack has a funny t-shirt that reads, "Call me. 555-1234." Bad Nanny then says that she's a pregnant woman and someone needs to get her a drink and some cereal. She smiles like anyone cares. No one does.

Bad Nanny carries her dog Chicken around in a baby carrier and then tells us that she found out today that she's pregnant -- that she's been wanting to forever and recently realized, "Why wait?" Why wait? Because Jack needs you. Bad Nanny! Bad! Bad Nanny plays with Chicken on the stairs, making Chicken chase her up and down. Then she puts an outfit on the dog. She's going to be the worst mother ever.

Sharon says goodbye to Robert in his guest house. He gets her to leave quick so all the boys can come out from under the bed. Sharon then goes to the main house and tells Ozzy that he and Robert should hang out and get to know each other better. Ozzy tells us he's waiting for peace and quiet. Leaving montage. The limo drives away. Lola watches the gate close, bummed out. (Oh, poor Lola when Jack went to rehab. That dog loves Jack.) The private plane takes off. And we go back to Ozzy, who leans back, opens his arms wide, and says, "I can breathe." The Boys With Avids pipe in some Kelly-Jack arguing as the plane takes off.

Ozzy dries his hair. Then he stands in front of a mirror fucking ripping his hair out, he's combing it so hard. Ow. He puts all his jewelry on, his sunglasses, and gets ready for his dayof making a MetRx milkshake and sitting in the backyard staring into space. Why exactly is he getting all dressed up? He tells us this is luxury and he's just going to do what he wants to do today. But Ozzy's peace is ruined by Robert's Sean Paul song blasting from his guest house. Ozzy stares in confusion, and we CUT TO: Robert, via a little spy-cam thing, dancing in his room. Ha. He looks like he's going clubbing down on Santa Monica. Poor cat obviously forgot about the camera. Hasn't he been through enough, MTV, you heartless bastards?

New York, New York. It's a hell of a town. Bad Nanny has been waiting for the family to arrive. Ha -- I wonder if they sent her on a commercial flight to make sure the room is all ready before they arrive on their private plane. Goddamn, that would be some funny funny shit. Bad Nanny curls up on the bed as Sharon puts covers on her and does her voice, saying, "I'm cold. I'm tired. That's what mothers need." Man, Bad Nanny is already milking this pregnancy thing. Sharon jokes that Minnie will help her through labor with her paws on her tummy. Bad Nanny says, "And then she'll bite the baby as it comes out." Sharon agrees. Maybe that's what happened to Kelly.

Home. Ozzy stands in front of the TV, changing channels and chewing gum at the same time. Very impressive. Ozzy changes from History to History to porn -- which actually just looks like some tiled-out MTV dance party footage. Ozzy mumbles that he's forever on the sex channel. And then he makes some joke about the Weather Channel, but it's lost forever. A tree falling.

Hotel. Jack and Bad Nanny on the bed. (No, not like that. Perverts.) Jack, high as hell, babbles that if he had a girl, he'd try very hard to have a boy . Try how? Think very masculine thoughts during the act? He asks Bad Nanny if she's going to go to Lamaze class. She says she doesn't know. He tells her she better start reading up.

CUT TO: Bad Nanny reads Pregnancy For Dummies. Eh.

Ozzy calls Sharon. He says he misses her and asks when she's coming home. Sharon decides that Minnie would look good as an executive behind a desk -- and she starts playing with Minnie's paws, saying, "Listen to me." Meanwhile Ozzy is saying, "Hello? Hello?" Hee. Ozzy then turns to the camera and says, "She does this to me all the fucking time. She's talking to someone having a conversation, and I'm stuck like a bastard [?] on the fucking phone." Finally Ozzy yells, "Hello?!" standing up, and he knocks his head on the top shelving unit of the desk. Damn, that's funny.

But seriously, y'all. I hate people who do that -- have spontaneous conversations with other people when you're on the phone with them, as if you're all in the room together. Just say, "Hold on a second." That's all you have to do. Bastards! time someone does that to you, try thisthey turn and start blabbing with someone else without saying anything to you -- just hang up. It's called negative reinforcement. Very handy. Commercials.

Ozzy sits in the kitchen, sorting money. Wow, he really needs a hobby. Ozzy starts bitching about how American money is all the same shape and color and there is nothing for the blind people to be able to tell the difference. He says that blind people have to be pretty trusting. Man. Ozzy really is bored. The best is the pile of hundreds sitting on the counter. How dare you complain about American money, you limey! If you don't like it, go back to Birmingham!

Continuing Ozzy's bored streak, he sits watching two dogs fight. One he calls Sparky. He keeps yelling, "Go on, my son," as the dog tries to hump the bigger dog. Sparky is humping the dog's head and Ozzy remarks, "It's Monica Lewinsky in the dog world." Ozzy is going crazy, cheering the humping on. He says, "Go on, my son. Make some more fucking dogs for the house." Then he says, "No, it's down at the other end." Ha.

Later. Ozzy sits in the kitchen, working on something. Another painting of a scary clown? No, it's a word search! Goddamn! He has "Hood" checked off, but still can't find such words as "Grill," "Lift," "Murals," "Power," and "Ladder." That's the best thing I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot in this world.

New York. Bad Nanny gets baby gifts already. Sharon is a good boss. Some goofy man is with them, and he coos over the blanket where you wrap the baby up like a burrito. Bad Nanny is just one big hormone as she says, "Awburrito." Then there's a mitt where you clean the baby with it. "Every day!" says Bad Nanny. Sharon jokes that you then clean the toilet and the countertops with it. I think that's Sharon's gentle reminder for Bad Nanny to start doing her fucking job already.

Ozzy sits in his new car in the driveway, pretending he's driving. Man, this has to be phony. But he's such a loon, I'm not sure. Robert pulls up in his big black SUV and blocks Ozzy's fake-car in. He gets out and goes over to Ozzy's window. "Hey," he says, smiling, trying to figure out what the hell Ozzy is doing. He just leaves, Ozzy going back to his "Pole Position" fantasies.

Kitchen. Ozzy washes tomatoes. Robert comes in. "Hi, Rob. I'm making a salad," he says. Now this has to be just more Boys With Avid bullshit, because they cut it to seem like Robert doesn't react and Ozzy is left just standing there going, "Rob." A little dog starts scratching a pillow, trying to open it up. Lola lies in Ozzy's way, and Ozzy starts talking about how they're all trying to kill him ever since he started bat-bitingthe animal history books have him listed as the bad guy. "Animal karma," he says. Then he says he hates the taste of salad.

Ozzy calls Bitch Boy on the phone. Where is he? Why isn't he there? Ozzy says that the family is in New York and the peace has been great. Then the Boys With Avids make him say, "I'm bored."

Sharon gets make-up done by the dude. Bad Nanny is still talking. She babbles about how she wants some curry, and Sharon and the make-up dude say they can't eat curry. Bad Nanny loves it and has curry 15 times a week. No you don't. Sharon says she needs one of those turbans to wrap around her ass after she eats it because she gets so sick. Bad Nanny says that Ozzy always tells her she smells like an Indian wrestler's jockstrap. No he doesn't. Bad Nanny is such a liar. I bet she's not even pregnant. Sharon then tells a story about how some lady told Sharon that Ozzy comes in every week to the religious sex shop and buys underwear. Sharon laughs, but then says she thought, maybe he does go in every week. Good story, Sharon.

Los Angeles. Williams-Sonoma. Ozzy shops with Bitch Boy, wearing a long Matrix coat. Ozzy, not Bitch Boy. Bitch Boy would look really goofy in that. Bitch Boy says they need to get a tin opener, and Ozzy says the thing they have now drives him fucking mental. They buy openers and tons of wooden spoons and cutting boards. Ozzy takes everything up to the registerit's over one thousand dollars! Holy shit! I guess when you have so much money that you have to sit there and fucking arrange it into piles of hundreds, you can afford to go nuts with some cookware.

In the car, Ozzy turns the radio on. They play the Sean Paul song. He turns the radio off and then tells Bitch Boy that he can't get the tune out of his head. He says it's a great song, but they play it all the time. Boys With Avids having some fun againhe's totally talking about a different song, obviously. At least let's hope.

Home. Ozzy sharpens his new knives as a maid looks on. Ozzy smiles like a little kid as Bitch Boy compliments how sharp he got the knives. Ozzy says he'll do the fish on the grill, and then goes outside and talks about the song he can't get out of his head. He goes on about it and how it's driving him mad. They pipe in the Sean Paul song, and Ozzy crosses his arms and stares into the distance. Bitch Boy bitches that this is a million-dollar kitchen and he can't find a pan. He opens the dishwasher, and the steam comes out. Then he opens the other dishwasher and the steam hits him and water pours out. Ozzy yells at him, "What are you, Irish or something?" Bitch Boy says that back home the dishwashers close when you open them. Yeah, but not if there is tons of water in it and you give it no warning. I think it has to be said here: two dishwashers?! Holy shit, that's just wrong. I mean, I would love to have itbut it seems wrong. I wonder if anyone has three? You know who has three? That McG guy. I bet McG has three dishwashers. Ozzy tells Bitch Boy how much he loves having the house to himself with the peace and quiet.

CUT TO: Kelly and Bad Nanny sitting in the hotel room. Bad Nanny sings about how she's pregnant, and Kelly throws something at her. Bad Nanny whines, "Ow!" and Kelly tells her to give the pregnancy thing a fucking rest. "Fuck being pregnant, Melinda," Kelly says. She turns to Bad Nanny and says that your vagina hole is this big, "Normally, when you pee." Ow! Kelly thinks babies come from your urethra? Ha. Girl needs a copy of Vaginas For Dummies. Actually, so do a lot of people I know. Bad Nanny says that it's natural and then says she's calling a child psychologist for Kelly. They fight some more. Bad Nanny, with her haircut, looks exactly like Michael McKean in This is Spinal Tap. Holy shit, that's freaking me out now. Look away! Bad Nanny once again bitches that she's pregnant and Kelly says, "Melinda, you're like two days pregnant." Man, Kelly really doesn't know anything about pregnancy, does she? Commercials.

Hotel. Kelly plays with salad tongs; then she and Sharon start wrestling. Kelly yells, "Ow, my boob!" Sharon yells, "I'm an invalid!" Kelly honks Sharon's nose and gets on top of her and Sharon says she's like Mike Tyson, biting her. Sharon can smell Kelly's breath, and then they both ask if the other peed on them. Kelly then says, "Mom, your finger's in my asshole." That may indeed be the dirtiest sentence ever spoken on non-pay television. I defy you to tell me of a dirtier one. Kelly finally drags a cackling Sharon out of the room. "Where's my husband?" yells Sharon.

There's her husband. It's Ozzy, calling the hotel room. The sound guy fucks up and gets the boom mic in the shot. Fired! Ozzy says he misses them, and Sharon announces that Kelly and her were wrestling earlier. "For what?" asks Ozzy. He also asks, "Licking you?" Then Ozzy says something I can't understand, and Sharon suggests Ozzy call Robert. He says he tried, but it goes straight to "the answering service." They hang up, and he tries to call Robert. CUT TO: Robert in the pool room, dancing again to some crap song. Ha. Another manufactured moment, but funny as shit. Ozzy hangs up when the machine answers.