Run Ozzy Run

MTV is just starting to use promos with a trucker's cap? Way to be on the cutting edge, there, guys. Oh, and hey. Good luck with VH1.

House. Night. Ozzy shuffles out of his bedroom and tells the passing Sharon that someone has been in his room and has stolen the beers out of his room. Sharon pithily replies, "I don't think so, darling," totally stumping Ozzy, who just sort of groans a reply. "Who would do that?" ask Sharon. Ozzy mumbles again, slack-jawed. Ozzy is like my cat. I talk to her, and she meows a little and then sits there with her mouth partially open, trying very hard to figure out what the fuck I'm saying and why, but really all she knows is that I'm moving my mouth in some sort of communicative pattern. Sharon goes on, "Who could possibly do that? Who's the beer thief? You! You're the beer thief." Sharon breezes into the room, leaving Ozzy literally and figuratively scratching his head. Hee. And also: blackouts and alcoholism are funny, MTV! Thanks! And I'm sure we'll witness a lot more of that on MTV during the three or four years of Ashton Kutcher's sure-to-be-quick life. (I'm kidding! Ashton is totally not going to die. He's going to live, forever!)

The title: "Run Ozzy Run." House. Day. Fake "Eye of the Tiger" music plays as Ozzy works out with the guy who is sort of that Body By Jake guy. Ozzy benches 25 pounds. Ozzy curls 15. Ozzy boxes, surprisingly spry and fast on the bag. I'm sure when I'm his age I'll just look at a punching bag and get winded. Ozzy is on the Stairmaster. Body By Jake tells us that Ozzy is running five miles tomorrow on his birthday (Ozzy's, not Body By Jake's -- that would be sweet, but weird). Ozzy does 700 crunches. What? Seriously? I can't believe it. He's my idol. Body By Jake babbles to Ozzy to keep his mind off his workout, talking about the run tomorrow and how it'll be nice and cool and how old are you now? "Fifty-four years of hell-raising," says Ozzy, looking right now like he couldn't raise a Tootsie Pop to his lips, let alone all of hell. Body By Jake keeps babbling, saying some bullshit about how Ozzy "coined" the phrase, "You gotta work hard and play hard." He did? Really? Are you sure? Body By Jake now stands behind Ozzy, lifting his arms up. Like a four-year-old, Ozzy starts smiling and says, "Yeah! Fifty-four!" So strange. And then he stops smiling. Body By Jake totally "yes and's" him by saying, "Bring it on, right?" Wow.

Then Ozzy cools down and tells us he's stoked for tomorrow's run. Bitch Boy, meanwhile, calls the driver/dealer who is delivering Ozzy's new BMW. "Put the fucking pedal to the metal," Ozzy yells.

The BMW pulls up. Ozzy sees it. "It's fucking great," he says. Man. It is pretty fat. Ozzy gets in the passenger side. Ha. Ozzy totally can't drive. That's brilliant.

They go for a ride. Someone drives. Bitch Boy sits bitch. That's great. Driver shows Ozzy the voice recognition system, hitting a button and then saying, "Radio on." Everyone laughs. It's so KITT, this car. "Does it understand my accent?" asks Bitch Boy. "It understands anybody." Nice set-up. Because then Ozzy gives it a go. Driver tells him to ask the radio to turn on. "Turn on, please," Ozzy mumbles. Hee. KITT tells him he's asking for the destination map, or something. "Radio off," says Ozzy. "Please repeat the name." Ozzy goes again. Nothing. He keeps mumbling, "Radio. Radio." KITT says, "Telephone menu." "Shut the fuck up!" yells Ozzy.

Street. Ozzy carries flowers. "Stolen from the local cemetery," he tells a gawker. Ozzy goes into a medical building where Sharon is getting chemo and sitting with Jack. Kelly is on MTV, and they watch. Sharon is touched by the flowers. Ozzy sits down with her. Sharon jokingly asks whose birthday it is tomorrow and Ozzy says he's running five miles. Sharon ignores him and asks what he'd like to do for his birthday. He repeats that he's running five miles, and she just thanks him for remembering her today and says she barely saw him yesterday or today. Sharon's monitor keeps beeping, and Ozzy shuffles over to it and raises his arms in that trying-to-figure-something-out way he does. He pushes some buttons, and Jack tells him he shouldn't touch it, and then they fucking edit in Sharon yelling, "Ozzy!" -- but you can totally see her on the phone in the background. Nice job, Boys With Avids. Nice job. Commercials.

Oh, hey. Have you seen The New Tom Green Show? Can someone explain it to me? Is he kidding? Is he doing Letterman, but boring, on purpose? Is there some grand comic idea behind the terrible, or is Tom Green just way less talented than we thought, even in the revisionist post-Freddy Got Fingered downscaled-expectations way we still thought he might be a bit funny? It's a mystery, man. And also, why would MTV simply try to blend in? It's never done that. Odd corporate strategy, guys.

House. Day. Ozzy unwraps a gift, which looks like a porno. But no. Bitch Boy explains that it's a watch you put on your wrist that has a heart monitor. Ozzy supposedly keeps yelling that it's a stopwatch. More Boys With Avids. Fun.

Kitchen. Body By Jake is pouring water and explaining -- in his fake overly-enthusiastic trainer way that makes you want to punch him out -- that Ozzy wanted to get up and go at six, and now they're "cooling down" (don't you do that afterwards?) and having some turkey. Should you really eat turkey right before you run five miles? "Nothing to it, right?" asks Body By Jake. Ozzy ignores him as Body By Jake laughs and then pours what he calls a "Pete-approved concoction." (Hee. He said "cock.") And also: I guess his name is Pete. I don't like that name for him. Body By Jake it is.

And they go. Body By Jake says, "What's up with this?" about his new BMW. Ozzy swears. Body By Jake jokes that it might take them a while to get there in this thing and does it have any speed? He laughs to the camera, and Ozzy shuts the door on him. He asks Ozzy if he wants another piece of turkey. "No!" Ozzy maybe says. Now there is more fun showing Body By Jake the voice recognition system of KITT. It ignores Ozzy; it listens to Bitch Boy. They discuss how it's supposed to work for anyone's voice, and Ozzy says "radio on" a couple of times, and it says, "Pardon me?" Body By Jake finds it all very amusing, and then it gives Ozzy the "Radio Menu" and Ozzy remarks that he doesn't want the fucking radio menu. Ozzy then wonders what the hell he's doing, and laughing, he tells KITT to "fuck off." KITT responds, "Telephone menu." Everyone laughs. "Fuck off," says Ozzy. "Please state your message," says KITT. "Fuck off," says Ozzy. "Pardon me?" says KITT. Ozzy turns back to the camera, laughing. Ozzy keeps telling KITT to "fuck off." I won't mention the last little joke because once again, it's totally faked. Much like Demi's Moore teeth.

At the track. Body By Jake is trying to pump Ozzy up by talking a mile a minute. I would so yell for him to shut the fuck up if I was about to run five miles. He talks about Ozzy's back and legs, and they stretch as Body By Jake talks about his laces and then even demonstrates how he's going to hand Ozzy his drink container as they run, and he should just squeeze it and "give it a punch." Ozzy gives it a punch. Ozzy would like to give Body By Jake a punch, I'm sure. More stretching. Ah, Bitch Boy is going to run too. His cell phone rings, and he has a jaunty conversation. Bitch Boy's cell rings again, and he has another jaunty talk. The phone rings once more as they're walking a lap, and Ozzy says, "Turn the fucking phone off, Tony. Turn it off." Bitch Boy jauntily says he has to go. "Get rid of it," says Ozzy, and Bitch Boy throws it, open, into the grass. That's really not very good for your phone. Ozzy jokingly goes to kick it, and Bitch Boy yells for him not to. Body By Jake finds it very amusing. Bitch Boy runs and retrieves his cell phone.

Body By Jake babbles about how this is the day to do it and the sun isn't "banging" on them (ew) and Bitch Boy has his "Olympic training gear" on. Ozzy and Body By Jake bump fists, and then they start running, the three of them. They're off!

Running. Running. MTV plays friggin' Benny Hill music as they run. Body By Jake babbles about just "gliding" and talking about the birthday. In a long shot, schoolgirls speed past the three. Hee. "You're fit. You're athletic. That's the good stuff, Ozzy," Body By Jake says. "This is a benchmark," says Body By Jake. "This is big news," says Body By Jake. Body By Jake tells him to "lengthen [his] stride."