My Big Fat Jewish Wedding

Sharon, Ozzy, and Kelly stand all dressed up for a photo in the downstairs hall. Sharon tries to get Bitch Boy to "round up the crew," but he's not listening (he'll be resoundingly beaten later, no doubt). Without warning, Ozzy yells, "Jack!" right in Sharon's ear. She flinches.

Opening theme. The title card is "My Big Fat Jewish Wedding." Eh.

Sharon's dressing room. Man, I don't have a dressing room. I think I'd like a dressing room. Seriously -- a place where I can, you know, like, put on my jeans. And my boots. And my t-shirt. And maybe grab a baseball hat. Anduhbrush my hair. Andehmaybe I'll put a dart board in there. And a little mini-fridge for some Guinness. Andhm. Uh. Yeah, I don't need a dressing room. Sharon explains to the hairdressers that they're renewing their vows on New Year's and Jack and Robert are ushers. The lady jokes that Kelly will be the flower girl! Kelly gives her a look like, "Lady, you just work for us. So shut the fuck up and frost my tips."

In the kitchen, some dude tells Ozzy he heard he's renewing his vows. "Oh, don't fucking remind me," says Ozzy, putting his hand on his head.

Sharon sits with some girl (Aimee?) and Kelly and someone else and says that she's doing a mock-up of Rodeo Drive, and some company is raffling off a two-carat diamond at the wedding. Wow. A raffle at the wedding. How classy.

In the stairwell, Kelly yells at Sharon for having a Jewish wedding if she's only half Jewish.

Ozzy tells us he's not Jewish, and even Sharon has "crucifixes coming out of her ass." Even Preparation H won't help that.

Sharon tells Kelly that her dad is very Jewish. We get a little floaty insert of him singing that "Why don't you give a Yiddish boy a chance?" song. Kelly goes on about how the mother is supposed to be Jewish. Sharon says Madonna is Jewish, so anyone can be. Kelly says Sharon is just being dramatic, and that Ozzy is the least Jewish person she knows. Sharon reminds Kelly that her "husband" is circumcised. Kelly hides her face.

Ozzy bitches on that if Sharon is suddenly Jewish, why did he spend eight million dollars converting his house into a "small Vatican." Hee. He goes on that now she's probably going to want to have "stars" all over the place. I think he means Stars of David. I don't think she's suddenly converting to Saganism.

Dressing room. Sharon and Bad Nanny try to convince Jack to get his eyebrows done. Sharon says that Jack looks like a "fucking Persian carpet salesman with those eyebrows." Oh my God. That's both critical and mildly racist in one shot. Good show, Sharon. Sharon goes on, asking Jack if he takes any pride in his appearance, saying that he's got "the biggest unibrow in the world." No, that would be Bill Berry, the former drummer of REM. Jack says he'll do it later.

Kelly and Sarah. Kelly makes Sarah smell her armpit, saying she's got to take a shower. Sarah agrees that Kelly smells "a little bit peachy." I guess if you're friends with one of the Osbourne kids and you get all the perks that come with that, having to smell their armpits every once in a while is a small price to pay. Jack comes in. Sarah says, "Hey, Holmes." Hee. Jack introduces his friend Angelina. She's a ditzy-looking blonde, way too old for him to be hanging around with. Kelly quickly ignores her, trying to make Jack smell her armpit -- "If you love me." Hey HBO, obviously not all weirdly sexual jealousy-based sibling power plays are on Six Feet Under. Sarah holds up her arm. Jack says, "I'll slap your armpit and hurt your gland." Hee.

Kitchen. Angelina is vigorously scratching a dog's stomach, displaying a strong forearm -- no doubt the result of a long history of giving hand jobs. Kelly asks Angelina if she's a Mormon. Kelly says her boyfriend's a Mormon. "I know," whispers Angelina. Jack jokes that Mormons are "perfect people." Kelly counters that nobody's perfect. Jack says that Mormons are. Angelina rolls her eyes. Man, her "rolling her eyes in disdain" muscles are almost as built up as her "giving hand jobs indiscriminately" muscles are. Almost.

Outside. Kelly bitches to Sarah about Angelina, saying she wouldn't even answer when Kelly asked what she did and that she's twenty, and, says Kelly, she's a Mormon, and Mormons are supposed to be raised better than that.

They continue bitching, now in a new locale. Kelly says that Angelina is Jack's friend's ex-girlfriend, and that it's shady of him. Sarah says that Jack has a history with "leftovers." She brings up "that fucking other chick." Wow. Jack is sixteen and he's pulling twenty-year-old girls. Seriously. That's fucking huge. God. Gold-diggers start early in this town, huh?

We see Jack and Angelina going upstairs, with slinky music playing.

Sharon tells some woman about how recently she went in to wake Jack up and there's some blonde girl in bed with him. She wonders what the hell is going on in this household. She jokes that it's like a brothel. Lola sleeps.

Sharon goes into Jack's room, looking for Jack. She notices that the trash bin is tipped over and when she goes to pick it up, she finds a condom wrapper. She says that's nice for a mother to have to pick up. She asks, "Did he use it on you, Minnie?" Minnie looks up. Hee. Sharon calls Jack a "little bastard" before leaving. But really, it's Sharon's own fault for looking in the trash. If you look in a sixteen-year-old's trash can, you deserve whatever you find. But also, what's with Jack and these girls? Does Dill know about this? Does Jack's gayness know about this? I'm confused, as we slide into commercials.

Back. House. Ozzy tells us that he's not very excited that he's renewing his vows. "It's a bit late," he observes.

Sharon gets made up, telling us that the last time they got married, Ozzy slept passed out in the hallway and peed himself. So they never had a proper marriage night. She says she actually carried him over the threshold.

Dogs sleep. Ozzy walks into the room, his hair all up and his shirt off, mid-hair-coloring. He looks at the clock. "Fucking wedding," he mumbles.

Car. Jack says he doesn't have just one girlfriend. "I don't like girlfriends," he says. (A truer statement was never said.) He goes on that there are five girls in heavy rotation. "I'm a man-whore," he says. (Okay, that's actually an even truer statement.) But then he says, "I'm a she-bitch man-whore." (That's the most true of them all.) Montage of Jack's Women. "I Dig Chicks" plays as we see Jack hanging with women. Hugging women. Talking to them. They're all way too old for him and way too hot. (And way too female.) Jack climbs into the hot tub with one. Shot after shot of Jack with hot girls. He slaps Bad Nanny's ass. (You can't fool us that that's a hot girl.) Some girls fumble for their bras in the morning. Goddamn! This makes me so mad. When I was sixteennever mind. But just let it be known that I'm retroactively jealous.

Jack lies down. Sharon asks if he has a girlfriend. She jokes that he should settle down. He says that he gets bored. Jack says something that probably pisses more people off than anything he could say. He could say, "I hate Jews," and fewer people would be offended. This is what he says: "I may be making more money than most thirty-five-year-olds, but that doesn't mean I am thirty-five." Wow. That'swow. He goes on that he gets really bored. She asks if it's his ADD. No, it's just that he's sixteen with gay tendencies and too much access to too much. Sharon says Kelly is the same way and that's why she's not "worried" about Bert. (Oh, she thinks Kelly will soon outgrow Bert. Poor Bert.)

Ozzy shaves his chest. Bad Nanny and Sharon and the hairdresser watch. "Don't shave your pubies," says Sharon. Bad Nanny thinks that, smooth, he now looks like he's twenty-one. "I love pain," says Ozzy, as he gets waxed on his stomach. Sharon jokes that he should have his testicles done -- that he should get a Brazilian. "What's a testicle?" asks Bad Nanny. She would ask that. Ozzy starts to take his pants down. Bad Nanny begs him to stop. He laughs.

Meanwhile, Jack has his eyebrows waxed. Wow. That is the most unmanly spectacle I've ever seen. Well, aside from the [shiver] wrestling. They wax, Sharon telling him to wax his mustache and then to wax his legs and bikini. Jack finally says he doesn't want to be too groomed. Good man.

Drunk Ozzy shows off his white belly. He sings, "No more pubic hairs!" He now lies down in his underwear, beaming drunk, saying he's got a twenty-one-year-old stomach. "Fucking great," he says. Sharon gets into bed with cats-and-dogs PJs on. Sharon asks Ozzy a "personal question," asking why he has "three brown fingers." It takes him a while to figure out what she's saying, and finally he goes, "Oh" He put brown dye in his hair, and he's been scratching. She goes to get nail polish remover. Ozzy jokes that he's been scratching his ass, and then cackles drunkenly to the camera. God. He doubles over with laughter. So drunk! Commercials.

House. Night. Sharon goes downstairs with Minnie. They're off to the wedding. Bitch Boy gives Ozzy some rules about where he can and can't go once they get there. Ozzy wonders what the "mystique" is. Bitch Boy says Sharon doesn't want him to see the dress. Ozzy says he doesn't want to see the "ceremony." Bitch Boy thinks that may be a problem.

Sharon drives off, wearing a tiara. She arrives in her giant holding room at the Beverly Hills Hotel as they get the big room ready. Sharon marvels over flowers and then marvels over a food basket. She's very excited. Bitch Boy says he has to get back and get Ozzy ready. We see Ozzy sitting at the house in his bathrobe, in kind of a stupor. "He hates coming out of his fucking house," says Sharon. He doesn't think he's going to know anyone. "You know everyone," says Sharon. Sharon is all dressed up and made up, on her father's tuxedoed arm. She looks good.

More preparations. Workers light candles. Guests arrive. Hey, there's Rob Zombie! Ozzy arrives, saying he's not drinking, that he's got to be on his best behavior today. Cut to: Ozzy sitting in a back room, drinking. Hee.

Ozzy talks to the rabbi. Ozzy is nervous. The rabbi leads him through what's going to happen, telling him that he just has to say, "I do." "But I don't," says Ozzy. They both have a laugh. Ozzy is drunk already.

Sharon jokes that maybe she'll say, "I don't." Wow. That's "freaky."