Viva Ozz-Vegas

I vowed I never would, because I think it's an invasion of privacy -- even beyond the one they allow every week -- and because I just generally think it's pretty tacky. I would also hate it if I ever were a notable type of person. But the other day, since we have a friend in town, we drove by Ozzy's house. We were right there showing her the Strip, and it was an easy loose right off Sunset. Well. We never found it. I once knew where it was, because someone sent me the address and I Mapquested it. But I've since forgotten, and we didn't find it. In a way I'm very glad. We did end up driving through the hills for a while, going obnoxiously by the houses we coveted and slowing down, but hey, they're rich and have insane houses. They deserve it.

Ozzy works out. He lies down as his Piscopo-looking trainer is rubbing him down. Ozzy wants him to use Icy-Hot, but the trainer says it doesn't do anything, though it's not going to hurt you. Cut to: Ozzy shuffling through the living room, muttering to some random woman that Icy-Hot on his ass and testicles is burning. Jack laughs while the woman -- who's eating a piece of pizza -- is just trying to get out of the way of burning-balls man. Jack says that at least he can hit the high notes now. Ozzy, shaking like a leaf, mutters about it moving down his legs and onto an "uncomfortable" part of his belly. They assure him it won't last that long. He wobbles off, saying, "Goodness gracious, great balls of fire." Hee.

Opening. Theme. Credits. Done. The title card says, "Viva Ozz-Vegas."

House. Day. Sharon's room. Sharon says they have to talk about Kelly's birthday dinner. Instead of saying thank you that's very nice, Kelly brats that every year there's a big party and she stays in her room the whole time and that parties are for the people who come, not for the guest of honor. She says she didn't even see her birthday cake. Huh? I bet Jack ate it in the pantry. With his beans. They then decide to go to Vegas for a "couple of shows" and have fun. Robert comes in, and they look at the paper. Kelly says how pretty she thinks Cyndi Lauper is. Sharon agrees, using her baby voice so that it seems as though she actually really hates Cyndi Lauper. "Bless her," Sharon says. Yeah, Sharon hates Cyndi Lauper.

Doctor's office. Ozzy shuffles into a doctor's office, the walls of which are lined with gold record plaques. Wow. I guess he really loves his doctor and gives him these -- or the doctor is also a famous recording artist. ["Dr. John?" -- Sars] The doctor checks out Ozzy's vocal chords -- Ozzy is doing one show in Vegas on Saturday. Ah, shit, that's fucked up. Sharon would make Ozzy perform to pay for the weekend. Poor guy. The doctor tells Ozzy to go "eee" and Ozzy says "ehhh." They do this a few times like a vaudevillian act. The doctor says his chords look great. And that's it. They hug. Man, I never get a hug from my doctor, even after he's felt my balls. Actually, come to think of it, it's probably a good thing my doctor doesn't try to hug me while feeling my balls.

Sharon's make-up room. Sharon and Kelly get made up. They talk about how Kelly is eighteen now and can fire Sharon -- joking, but sorta not, a little. Kelly starts talking about her tits and asking, if she took Johanna to a doctor, could she get the same tits as Johanna. She says she fucking hates her tits, that they're so fucking boring. "Get them done," says Sharon, ever the encouraging mom. I guess she got massive face work, so she can't say anything. (Of course, they have to be joking here. They just have to be. Right?) Kelly then wonders why she has to have Sharon's fucking tits, why couldn't she have had Aimee's tits? She goes on that Aimee has perfect tits. Sharon doesn't get offended or tell Kelly she's fine. She just agrees that Aimee does have perfect tits. Such honesty in this family. I love it. Kelly says Aimee has "Welcome to London" tits, while she has National Geographic tits. Hee. And, ew.

Office. So Tony, or whatever that Pete Townshend-looking manager guy's name is, brogues on about how Nevada gaming laws won't allow them to drink or use their fake IDs. Kelly lies that she has no fake ID. Girlie, we have it on tape. Just check my old recap. Anyway, the Venetian hotel sent a whole book of rules for them. Wow, if the Venetian sends the Osbournes a big book of rules, I wonder what they send to Snoop and crew when they come. It must be like War and Peace. Kelly lies that she's not really going to Vegas to party. Bitch Boy gives a take to the camera. Hee.

Kelly is on the phone telling a friend that she had to sign a contract that she can't drink. It's her birthday and they're not going to let her do anything. Poor Kelly. Such a restricted life she leads.

Jack packs, talking to some friend who's coming about how they can drink in the hotel room. The friend thought it was zero tolerance, and Jack says that security isn't going to be in his room with him. Though if the security was cute enough, Jack might invite him in.

Sharon tells Kelly that today is special -- not, as Kelly thinks, because she no longer has any control over her (yeah, right. "No longer"), but because she can remember every minute she almost died giving birth to her. They argue, Kelly saying she wanted to be all hippie and natural. Sharon says they almost had to give her a tracheotomy. Uh, isn't that the wrong passage to cut? What, did Sharon give birth through her mouth?

Jack says his friend who is already waiting in Vegas has six Penthouse girls waiting for them. So? Jack has no use for that. The dudes then go all Swingers, talking about cruising Vegas in suits.

Sharon continues how she gets overemotional about it. She imitates the nurse telling Sharon not to die.

Jack tries to decide if he should bring a teddy bear. He finally decides that everyone has to experience harsh Vegas sometime.

Sharon continues, "Father, please, please. Let me live." Kelly screams, laughing.

Outside. Morning. They load up short buses. Jack thinks all the guys are supposed to go on the first plane. Kelly then brats, "Whose birthday is it? Mine!" They yell, Kelly bitching that Jack is bringing eight of his friends. Some guy tells Kelly she has a "superstar attitude." What a bunch of ungrateful fucks. The guys pile in the van. Kelly predicts that this is going to be a disaster trip, and Bitch Boy and Bad Nanny walk her back to the house as Jack and his boys take off. Commercials.

Private plane. God, it's dope. Ozzy shuffles down the aisle and hands a photo of a 1950s car to Kelly, saying that it's her birthday present. She gets the real thing on Wednesday. "No fucking way," says Kelly. "Way," says Ozzy. Man, that's fucked up. You know Son Ozzy Hates gets, like, socks for his birthday. Jessica gets a lump of coal. Kelly is very happy. Jack calls it the "sickest ride ever." Ozzy shuffles back to his seat as the pilot says, "Welcome to Osbourne Airlines. Flight number one to Vegas."

Night. Vegas. The Vegas sign. Ozzy plays the Palms on this, October 25th. (Fuck the Palms. They must pay MTV lots of money. I wonder if Trashelle and the crew were there during this.) Ozzy throws water at the crowd. Montage Of Vegas. The kids run like assholes through the Venetian lobby. They pile on the elevator. Ew, Dill's with them. Jack says that they'll go to the hotel room and do what they need to do so everything is set up. (In other words, he's saying they'll get loaded in the rooms, trying to be sly.) So one douchebag friend goes, "And we can drink, upstairs in the room." Hee. Jack mutters, "Shut the fuck up, Fred. There's security guards all around us." Hee. What a dick, that guy. Fred. Dick.

The kids run like assholes through the hall, running into other guests and being generally dicks. Fred is all sad, having gotten yelled at by Jack. Hee. They all pile into rooms.

Meanwhile, in the adult suite, Ozzy does stomach crunches in the gorgeous dining room while Bitch Boy and others hang out, bored.

Security hangs out all around while inside the kids drink. Fred explains to Jack that he can drink because he's twenty-one.