What A Boy Wants

Hey, yeah. So the Crazy Train is leaving the station one more time. Won't you come along? No? Please? C'mon, I don't want to do this alone. I mean, the initial spark of the show was overhyped right out of the thing about nine months and twenty magazine covers ago. So what do we do? Well, I guess we just sit back and enjoy the family for what they are -- and rejoice that we're not watching I'm With Busey.

The season opens with Ozzy and Sharon in the kitchen. Ozzy is whistling as Sharon deseeds an avocado and talks about what to do for Jack's seventeenth birthday --how it's not the big one but they still want to do something good. Ozzy keeps on whistling. Sharon says she thinks she's going to get him a watch. Ozzy whistling again. Now, the problem here is that it's in two separate shots and so obviously Ozzy was listening and whistling some other time and so they just created fake comedy with editing, which is very disingenuous and if you have half a brain you'll immediately know it's just a Boy With An Avid, and not "reality" or "funny." Yes, I know, editing is a huge part of crafting story in reality television, but generally things that didn't happen aren't just made up. Ozzy didn't whistle through Sharon's story. That did not happen. They just made you think that happened. Rise up! Don't be fooled!

All right, credits. You'd think they would have mixed it up a little, but it's the same credit sequence. That was one of the best things about The Cosby Show -- getting to see the new credit sequence every season. No one does that anymore. Friends sort of, but they're still using the same umbrella shots. By the way, the other night I came across a Red Shoe Diaries -- not that I'm prone to watching Zalman King late-night soft-core porn -- but anyway, it was starring a very young Matt LeBlanc. Try to find it some night. It's very funny to see Joey fucking some girl in an elevator. I wonder if he told the folks at Warner Bros. Casting about the gig before the hired him for Friend. I bet not. Oh, and I guess The Drew Carey Show does new credit sequences, but that's all rumor and hearsay for me since I've never actually watched an episode.

By the way, this episode is called "What A Boy Wants."

House. (Which I drove by, by the way. A few months ago. Visiting friends wanted to see it and we took them. I was ashamed, but I did it. Got a few photos. Yes, I'm a big dorky tourist.) Sharon sits getting her makeup done as Kelly sits around watching. Sharon makes Kelly say that she's hot and sexy, and then Sharon says, "Christina!" And Kelly says, "No, that's bad sexy. That's 'I walk on Hollywood & Vine.' That's not sexy at all." (For those not in the know -- she's calling Christina a hooker.) Kelly adds that there is a quote in Heat magazine from Kelly talking about Xtina (which I will from now on call her because I hate trying to spell her last name -- and I also think it's lame enough to be humorous) in which Kelly said that she thinks Xtina is one of the most awful human beings in the world -- that she has an amazing voice but that she's a fucking cunt, or something like that. Kelly says that she, herself, is such a bitch and Sharon says, just think, it all stems back from last Christmas...

CUT TO: Last Christmas. During dinner, Kelly imitates Xtina singing "Jingle Bells" with all the melismas and pauses and vocal show-offery. The whole family laughs, except Ozzy, who just watches blankly, not knowing what holiday it is and who these kids are sitting around his table.

Night. Sharon's bedroom. Kelly is reading a magazine article about Sharon and talking about how Xtina's had people kissing her ass since she was twelve. Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot. Robert asks whether Kelly's seen Xtina's new video, and Kelly says it's hellacious. Sharon asks why. Robert -- "like"-ing all over the place; he sort of sounds like one of the Strange Brew brothers when he talks, it's weird -- says that Xtina's nearly naked in it, and Kelly adds that she's just like the kid in Parenthood who comes out in chaps with his "willy" out. You know, I always knew Xtina had a cock. Now I have to see this video. Sharon warns Kelly that she should stop shit-talking about other girl singers adding that, if asked, Kelly should just say Xtina's "great." "Why would I say that? I don't think she's great," says Kelly. And seriously, not only is that what makes Kelly different from other kiss-asses, but also it's exactly what Sharon has never done. Or maybe she has and she's so good we just don't know it.

Day. Driving. Ozzy and Bitchboy. They discuss what to get Jack for his birthday in two days. Ozzy wants to get him "something cool." Tom says that Jack's a good kid. "He's the fucking best, man," says Ozzy. Ha. That's sweet. (Poor Son Ozzy Hates.)

Ozzy arrives at the dentist. Ozzy immediately says "Nitrous" upon walking in. Hee. They say they're ready with the nitrous and that this is where the fun begins, and Ozzy repeats, "Nitrous." The dentist is being really inappropriate and saying stuff like "Yeah!" and "We got the special Ozzy level," like he's handing out balloons at a kegger. Ozzy takes deep breaths and says he can't feel it. The dentist says he knows it's working because he's even starting to feel it, so he leaves. Ozzy complains that it's a fucking joke and that he can't feel anything. The hygienist turns up the nitrous. She asks if it's better. "No," Ozzy tells her. She turns it up. And again he says, "No." She turns it up again. She has him take some deep breaths. Ozzy's hands fly up and he breathes in. I think we cut to later because Ozzy is groaning, and then the hygienist asks if he wants to "take a rinse" or he wants to "sit up." Ozzy sort of half sits up staring blankly, muttering. She keeps trying to get him to take a rinse and he just sits there. Hee. Man, it's sort of scary in a way, but mostly just hella funny.

House. Day. Sharon is getting her makeup done, as usual, and Jack comes in and announces what he'd like to do for his birthday: he wants to go to Medieval Times. Sharon says that she would love that. Jack says that someone is working but that they have to cancel it because it's his goddamn birthday and he wants to joust. They all discuss whether Medieval Times is open on weekdays, and he goes to make a call. Jack is wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, which I'm pretty sure hasn't come around to being ironically funny to wear, yet. Or did I miss the memo? More people discuss the jousting, and I almost wish that, for any decision I had to make, I had tons of people just there at my house to debate it. And I wish I had a $6 million house, but that's beside the point. Sharon yells for Jack to get Medieval Times on the phone "right fucking now." What a loon.

Dentist. The hygienist finishes and sits Ozzy up. He's out of his mind. She asks if he wants to rinse and he mutters, "Uh, no." Then she points out the sink and he slowly reaches over to grab the cup. He picks up the cup...and puts it to his forehead. What? He tries again, missing his mouth by about six inches. Holy shit, that's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I don't know much about medicine, but I'm thinking maybe they pumped a little too much nitrous into that poor guy. And anyway, shouldn't he really not be doing that stuff with everything else he's on? Ozzy is like one big walking drug interaction. Ozzy puts the cup to his head one more time as we go to commercials.

Dentist. They put Ozzy on straight oxygen and then, done, move him into another room. He asks the new hygienist if there's any nitrous in this room. Hee. She says she'll go ask. Ozzy gets some weird tooth guard thing on as they check out his caps or something. He mutters, "Nitrous."

Recording studio. Kelly and Bad Nanny are talking about how Robert cried when he saw the rock they put with his name on it in the back yard. Aw. That's very sweet. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door and Bad Nanny goes to see who it is. She comes back to report that Xtina is out there, wearing a short skirt and a hoodie, waiting for Kelly. Oh shit. This is just like Jam Master Jay! Don't go out there. But Kelly does, walking down the hall with her people. "I could break her. She's like a twig," says Kelly. They walk through this big open space, coming to a kitchen where some worker lady is. Now Kelly is talking about how Xtina just smacked her arm. What? I guess they had a run-in which they weren't allowed to show. That sucks. This isn't very well-explained. The worker lady infers that Xtina is not well-liked around there. Kelly says that Xtina's a cunt. Whoa. So they just fought? Thanks for showing it, dicks.

House. Night. Jack's room. Hangers-on. They talk about how there are two cabs full of girls coming over. Nice.

Downstairs. Kelly is leaving, and Sharon asks where she's going. Kelly says she's going to get raped in a back alley and do crack. That's so weird -- that's what I did last night. She adds that she's going to a club but doesn't know the name of it. Sharon asks to come along and Kelly really wants her to -- Sharon says she'll come out on Friday for Jack's birthday. Kelly scrunches up her face into an immediate scowl whenever she gets a chance. It's so bratty it's almost endearing. Almost. Kelly suddenly starts talking about what to get Jack for his birthday. He'll just lose jewelry, he has all the computer games, he won't wear clothes she buys, and he can't drive or she'd buy him a car. A car!? Jesus. My sister forgot my birthday this year...and Kelly's considering buying her brother a car. Man, I need a new sister. (Just kidding. Love you!) Sharon goes all Mom on her, trying to get her to wear a coat. Kelly says, "I'm sexy! Sort of." Someone puts a coat on Kelly and she leaves, as Lola licks Sharon.