Smells Like Teen Spirits

Wow. Okay. That's how they're going to do it. They're going to show four episodes and then fucking hang us out there for weeks. Sure, I know it was Christmas, but even UPN will tell you, you've got to build momentum. I'm afraid they've killed the momentum on this crazy train. Maybe I'm afraid for no good reason. Maybe I just spent the last week watching everything from Joe Millionaire to High School Reunion to The Real World/Road Rules Challenge (which is brilliant this year, by the way), to the whole P.Diddy Making the Band 2 extravaganza, and I've just had an overkill of poorly-crafted stories and misleading editing. Or maybe I'm still drunk on eggnog. That's quite possible.

Ozzy sits in an office with BitchBoy, who immediately gains stature just by the fact that he's behind a desk and Ozzy sits in front of it. He tells Ozzy that his (Ozzy's) eldest daughter Jessica (the fuck?) is going into labor. Ozzy firmly predicts it's going to be a girl. Cut to

Ozzy, at home, gets a call that it's a boy. Bad Nanny calls him a "little grandfather." "Don't fucking say that to me!" shouts Ozzy.

Opening theme. Love it still. I love it the exact amount that I hated the Anna Nicole Smith opening song. God, that fucking cloying terrible piece of doo-doo. (And the theme song was bad as well.)

We're told the episode is called "Smells Like Teen Spirits." Kurt Cobain is rolling over in the British Columbia farm house he's hiding out in. The episode features guest star "Mandy Moore," and I see they're using the term "star" very loosely these days.

House. Night. Big living room conversation with Kelly standing in front of the fam and Bad Nanny and others, relating to Sharon how she got so drunk, drinking until 7:45 in the morning. Goddamn. I went to college in the middle of New York City and I don't think I ever did that. Maybe 6 AM, but at some point, you have to take a nap. Sharon doesn't really want to hear it, but she does. Jack can't believe she's getting away with this. Kelly tells Jack that she's "responsible," whereas he isn't. Yes, she was responsibly nodding off during Matt Lauer's interview with Sam Rockwell and a check of the weather in your neck of the woods. Kelly goes on about how she over-tipped the cab driver, who then asked, "Can I fuck your ass?" Kelly went running down the street in horror. See, that's just plain rude. She could have at least turned him down politely. Kelly ended up falling asleep in some random person's apartment and going home in the morning. Sharon doesn't yell or bitch, but rather expresses her dismay that this all this happened in forty-eight hours. Good mom. Sharon goes on that her life is so eventful. "I haven't even taken a shit in forty-eight hours," says Sharon. Nice. Sharon doesn't look so good, by the way. Just a bit skinny and tired, and now she's going to be doing a talk show too? How about just getting better? That's should be her job.

House. Day. A car drives up. A jaunty-looking old man gets out and hugs Sharon. He looks like Anthony Hopkins in that movie about Picasso. Ozzy then camera-talks about how Sharon was estranged for twenty years from her father and one day Ozzy told her it was bullshit and made Sharon call him. Ozzy jokes that it was the worst thing he ever did because now they're never off the phone.

Gramps talks about how one day someone came to visit that he didn't expect. It was Sharon. And her first words, Sharon offers, were, "You motherfucking piece of shit." Gramps agrees, amused. He seems to have the same sense of humor as Sharon. Sharon then goes on about how the kids thought he was Tony Curtis and they asked, "Why is Tony Curtis calling you a whore?" Okay, but really, how many little kids have had to ask why Tony Curtis was calling their mom a whore over the years? Especially in the rural Vegas area. Tons. Gramps has this male "friend" with him, and so I'm guessing he's gay. I could be wrong, but that's the vibe I'm getting. (And maybe that's where Jack gets the love of the older boys.) Gramps sings a Yiddish song which makes the dogs yip and embarrasses the hell out of Sharon. They hug. Quick Montage of Gramps with various family members as Ozzy voice-overs about how great it is that though they didn't talk for twenty years, now they're talking. Wisely and correctly, he says that family feuds are just not fucking worth it. True dat.

Ozzy puts ear drops in Gramps's ear. (Gramps is called Don, I'm getting from the captions. Don isn't a grandpa name, so I'll call him Gramps.) Ozzy keeps pouring and rubbing and yelling, "Can you feel that in your eardrum, Don?" Finally he finishes and asks, "Do you want a burrito, Don?"

Thus begins Ozzy's Big Burrito Kick. He lopes into the room asking who wants a burrito. Three guys are sitting around causing trouble, ignoring Ozzy. Jack comes in at the same time Kelly does. Kelly is yelling at the dudes, wondering if Jack even knew they were coming over. Meanwhile, poor Ozzy is just trying to find out if Jack wants it spicy or non-spicy. Finally Jack yells that nine thousand people are trying to talk to him at once, which is an exaggeration, because at the most, it's, like, five. Jack finally says he's not even hungry, and Ozzy wanders off saying, "Fuck you all then."

Ozzy sits in the car with either BitchBoy or Son Ozzy Hates, talking about how he's going to get one for now and one for the fridge for later. The other dude wonders why he doesn't get three. Ozzy is just going to put it in the fridge in his own room.

They go to Chipotle, which Ozzy declares is "my favorite, my favorite, favorite, my favorite burrito joint." Ozzy watches the dude make the burrito, impatient.

Nate 'N Al's deli. Sharon eats with Gramps and "Friend," telling them about how Jack is sixteen and there are tons of clubs popping up all the time and Jack threw up at the Lounge and got banned. Kelly also got banned from several clubs for being too loud. (I love that they tell their parents this shit, but they need to calm down a little.) Sharon then goes off about how she used to cut school when she was a kid and go to the movies or "nicking," which I think means shoplifting. Gramps listens with a curious ear. They talk about which school Sharon went to, and how Sharon told the headmistress to eat her pussy. Everyone laughs at that as Gramps thinks back to how during that time Sharon got so wild because he was such a terrible father. Good times.

House. Night. Kelly is going out. Sharon bitches to Jack -- who sits on the kitchen counter telling Mom not to clean up (to let the other peons they've hired do it) -- that he shouldn't go out every night because he's tired and that's why he's acting like an "idiot." Maybe he's just acting like an idiot because he's sixteen and has crazy parents and camera crews that follow him wherever he goes. Lola fights with another dog under the oven. Dog fighting. Sharon and Jack argue about his bedtime. Then Jack gets a call. "My food is ringing," he says, happily. But it's "Pascal." He invites them over to hang.

Jack's friends come over, including a dark-haired Mandy Moore. They fuck around in his room drinking beer. Jack shows Mandy his "Jack" belt buckle. They goof around drinking beer as Mandy smiles coyly at Jack, showing way too much cleavage. (For all those Walk to Remember fans, don't worry: underage God-loving little Mandy isn't drinking. You can all relax now.) Mandy calls a piece of art on Jack's wall, "Frickin' rad." Then she embarrasses him by calling him "so cute" in a photo from when he was thirteen. Waaaaaay back when. Jack leads Mandy down the stairs. "Call me tomorrow," she says. "I will," says Jack. OOOOOOOOOooooh. Yeah. That's right. God, to be a famous, rich kid in Hollywood. The fucking life, yo.

The clock. It's 3 AM. Uh-oh. Here comes Kelly, led by Robert, drunk off her ass, laughing. She falls down, almost crushing a barking dog. Sharon and Ozzy sleep upstairs. Kelly yells her ass off. "You're just as drunk as I am. Don't pretend not to be!" yells Kelly like a moron. Ozzy, wearing bikini briefs, starts down the stairs, mumbling about how this madhouse is driving him crazy. Hee. Commercials.