Meow Means No!!

I hope the Osbourne clan learned their lesson last week throwing their weight behind Dick Clark-lead events like the AMAs. Seriously, The Latin Grammys is a more respected event at this point.

Backyard. Ozzy and folks are hanging out while the dogs do little-dog things (like be annoying and yip) in the background. BitchBoy reveals that the neighbors are cool, but recently complained to him about the dogs barking late at night. Ozzy yells that the neighbor's dogs set their dogs off. Yes, Ozzy's dogs are so even-keeled that they fucking need an impetus to yip. They go apeshit if the wind blows. Ozzy goes on that of course dogs bark: "What do you expect the dogs to do? Meow?" Poor BitchBoy. I hope he gets paid shitloads of money.

Theme. Photos. Title card. "Meow Means No!!" Man, I know that coming up with jokey titles every week is hard, believe me. But whoever's writing these titles needs a week off. Ah, with Special Guest this week, Jason Dill. Lovely.

Shots of the dogs all sleeping around the house. Melinda holds a new dog, Chicken, wrapped in a blanket on her lap. Robert comes by, and Bad Nanny talks about how gorgeous Chicken is and how ridiculous it is just how gorgeous she is. Robert, fitting right in with the household wit, says that what's ridiculous is how Bad Nanny is holding Chicken like a baby. Bad Nanny says that she loves her like a baby, and Robert will one day know this kind of love. I have nothing to say about that, except that Bad Nanny obviously can feel her prime childbearing years being stolen one by one away from her by the Osbourne clan, and can't do anything about it. It would be sad if it weren't so sad.

Montage of dogs sleeping. Then Lola wakes up and attacks the camera, and then DMX starts playing (you haven't lived until you've seen the captioners trying to caption every "What?" and "Woo!" from DMX -- it's pretty awesome) and the dogs fight and fight and fight, and Kelly yells at them, and then Kelly picks Arthur up, saying Arthur is supposed to be the nice one. Ozzy walks through the house, seeing the miserably skinny and shaved Chicken, and asks what the fuck that is. He walks on, mumbling that the whole house smells like dog shit.

Kelly and her punky blonde friend walk upstairs, and Kelly steps in dog shit in bare feet. She hobbles to the bathroom to run her foot under hot water, complaining that it wouldn't be cool if she took a dump in the hallway -- something I'm sure Ozzy has done once or twice in his life. Kelly says she hates the dogs. Sarah, a big girl, babbles about how she's going to wash a certain shirt again because it's still not clean, and they get into a little fight about how Sarah stuck the shirt under Kelly's nose and Kelly had B.O. on her lip the whole day. I hate when that happens. Man, shit on her foot and B.O. on her lip -- Kelly's living out Chris Farley's last days. (By the way, Kelly has one of those dope clear round seats hanging from the ceiling in her room. Very jealous.)

Office. Jack talks on the phone and then hangs up, telling us that Jason Dill is coming to stay again. Jack's very excited. "It shall be grand," he says, which means, "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!" in HoYay terms.

Sarah tells Kelly that they have to go, but first they both wash their faces. Kelly thinks it's disgusting that Sarah is brushing her tongue. Kelly says they're only going to band rehearsal so don't put make-up on, and Sarah says, "I don't give a fuck, Holmes." Hee. Kelly wants to make rehearsal quick so she can go back to bed.

Shot of Sarah at practice. She camera-talks that she met Kelly four years ago at the mall, and Kelly recently told Sarah she had to come on tour with her, and Sarah figured she'd be doing personal assistant work but Kelly said, "No, you'll play drums in my band." With more shots of practice, Sarah's tongue and lip piercings competing with each other, Sarah tells us that she never took lessons (No!), but rather discovered her natural rhythm by tapping on tables and benches. Yeah, that's how Buddy Rich did it too. Kelly sings "Papa Don't Preach." I think I could never hear this song ever again and I'll be happy.

House. Dogs. Lola barks. Arthur licks Gus the cat. Lola noses Gus's ass. Gus is very mellow during all of this. More cats and dogs. More. Barking. Cats. Lola jumps at the camera again.

Bad Nanny and Jack sit at the counter discussing Sarah. Jack is worried that she's quitting school for the band and just rushed into it and didn't really take time to consider "the way Kelly really is." Hee. That's funny, whatever it means. The whole time, Jack is tapping on the table. Ah, maybe he's trying to muscle Sarah out so he can be the drummer in her band. Bad Nanny thinks Sarah was just waiting for anything to let her quit school. During the scene, an Ozzy bobble-head doll sits front and center. I wonder if they're trying to make us want to buy one. Because it's fucking working. Bad Nanny questions if Sarah is good enough, and Jack says she's an amazing drummer. Bad Nanny thinks maybe she just needs to practice. Uh-oh. I can smell where this is going, and it ain't a good smell.

Ozzy. He tells us that drummers are weird fucking people. (Hi, pot, I'm the bloody kettle.) Ozzy thinks it takes a special, weird kind of person to want to spend their lives "beating on skins." As he calls a whole class of people weird, Ozzy babbles that he just used the wrong color on his drawing. It's a weird fucking comic-booky drawing. I'm glad he's doing art again. It gives me a special thrill. At least this isn't a scary clown. I hope someone burned that piece. Ozzy used pink by mistake. "Ozzy Osbourne using the color pink," he mutters.

Band Practice. Kelly and Sarah. Kelly wants her to stop smoking. Kelly starts talking abstractly about how she couldn't keep the beat. Sarah interrupts, totally clueless. "But was I playing it all right?" she asks. Kelly takes an hysterical long pause, and then says, "Yeah, it just needs to be a little quicker, and" Kelly goes on that Sarah couldn't keep the beat and then goes, "It's not the drums, though. It's the guitar." Sarah dances proudly, repeating, "It's not the drums." Some Pete Townshend-looking dude, Kelly's handler, watches. Oh, poor Kelly. She's just like Jack. They're both so nice to their friends because they never know if the friends like them for them or not. It's kind of sad. It's going to be more kind of sad when Kelly has to fire Sarah because she fucking sucks at the drums.

House. Night. Living room. Ozzy calls Jack's hair "flamboyant." Jack informs Ozzy happily that Dill is coming to stay. "No he's not," says Ozzy, defeated. Everyone laughs as Jack says that "Dill's coming home!" Ozzy stares in disbelief as we mumble to commercials.

Band Practice. Sarah. Kelly's Handler watches, bummed. Someone tells Sarah that she fucked up again, and Sarah goes to take a smoke, mumbling sorry, that she's straining herself to the max. Gag me with a spoon!

House. Jack proudly shows Ozzy one of Dill's skate videos. Dill crashes and shows the camera his twisted, broken finger. "Oh my God!" says Ozzy, trippin'. Jack says that he's a good fucking skater. Ozzy just says that he's "nuts." Jack laughs when Dill's ankle snaps. Ozzy looks freaked.

Hospital. Sharon undergoes chemo and takes a meeting with Kelly's Handler (Bobby) at the same time. What a fucking superstar, that woman. They discuss Sarah, Bobby saying that Sarah hadn't practiced anything, that she didn't have sticks, and that she kept missing fills and really basic stuff. He jokes that the Energizer Bunny could have given her a run for her money. Hee, banging on the cymbals. I get it. Bobby laughs about how Kelly told Sarah that "it wasn't the drums." Sharon just looks away.

House. Night. Jack talks on the phone while Ozzy watches the dogs fight. He and Jack talk about how they live in the Beverly Hills lunatic asylum, and Jack says it's better than the dog pound. Ozzy mutters some shit that even the captioners give up on about Tarzan and bullshit, and then Dill arrives. Ozzy asks Jack if Dill has lice, and Jack mutters an excuse. Ozzy teases Jack that he should be running out front to greet him, and says some other stuff I can't understand at all, and Jack tells his dad to stop. He says it's not very nice, and he doesn't talk about Ozzy's friends. Ozzy then mutters, "I don't got no friends." Hee. And: Aw.

Jack watches Dill get out of a "ghetto cab." They hug, and Dill mutters about how the cab driver knew about Outkast, and then they go out back to find Marcato (Robert) and others. Dill tells us that he'll be in the area for fourteen days. Robert tries to talk to him, to find out what he's been doing, and Dill just says he's been skating and doing the same bullshit, and that it's been "awesome." Robert doesn't know what to say. It's like, "Um, great. My mom just died. Why don't you ask me about me, you stupid shaggy fuck." But he's too nice to say that, so I'll just say it for him.

Montage of Dill. "Welcome Back, Kotter" plays as Dill smokes. Burps. Falls down drunk. Waves to Ozzy. Scratches his hair. Hugs Sharon. Says, "It's been fucking awesome." Smokes. Pees. You get the picture.

Dill looks around for his toothbrush. Meanwhile, one of the dogs chews on it under the couch. Dill tries to take it -- the dogs snaps at him. Hee.

Band Practice. The guitarist tries to tell Sarah something. She says, "So, I don't know how to play drums. It's okay." Bobby gives video shoot info and then asks if Sarah is listening. He tells her the band has four weeks and finally says, "Shape up, girlie." She coughs. Goddamn, band people are so fucking skanky and dirty sometimes. You can shower and be cool. I swear it's true.

Bedroom. Sharon in bed. Bobby, in his awesome Scottish brogue, tells Sharon that they need to fire Sarah; it was a good idea at the time to hire a friend, but they need to get serious. They show Sharon some rsums and photos, and Sharon coos over one, saying, "How cute is she!" They watch a video of this girl, and Sharon asks if she smokes. They say she looks young, and Bobby jokes that she doesn't grimace when she plays. Sharon then does an impression of Sarah drumming, saying she looks like Popeye when she plays. Man, either this is some fancy editing or it's really happening fast, because now Kelly comes into the room complaining that she can't do it, because Sarah is her only friend in the band and "it really sucks." Sharon says, because she gets off on this type of shit, that she'll do it. No time to waste -- Bobby calls Alicia, the other drummer girl, and hires her. Another day, obviously, Sarah comes into the bedroom and asks Jack, who's there cuddling, if she could talk to Sharon for a minute. Oooooooooh. Commercials.

Back. Band Practice. New Drummer is there. Bobby dances. Bad Nanny watches. It's merged with the video shoot day and oh, there's poor Sarah, watching. An assistant director tells Sarah to do the slate. He tells her that she'll slate for camera, and then she'll sit down andread something. Goddamn, that's fucking harsh. But she does it.

Sarah sits in Kelly's room, opening a check. She says she's now out of debt. The check is for "ten fucking grand" for playing the drums. Kelly yells from another room, summoning her. Wow. What a nice payoff. I imagine it kind of leaves her with a dirty feelingalthough I imagine she carries a dirty feeling everywhere she goes, anyway.

Night. House. Dill smokes in the back with random guys. They watch Lola and another dog playing with the skateboard. Arthur tries to hump Lola as Lola tries to ride the board. Ozzy watches from the house as Dill talks about the secret lives dogs lead and how they lead cleaner, healthier lives than he'll ever know. We'll. that's true. And also, how fucking high must Dill be right now?

A dog drinks water. Then goes to the glass door and watches. They edit together Dill watching, the dog watching, and a love song playing as out in the yard, Arthur mounts Gus and licks him and humps him. Gus seems to like it. "You're moving in the wrong direction," goes the song. Ha, that's funny.

House. Inside. Jack tells Robert that Arthur butt-raped Gus. He says he didn't just poke and prod, but "penetrated fully." How does he know that? And ew, coming from Jack, that gives me a really bad image for some reason. Sharon talks about how Gus was crying. "You can tell he's been sexually abused," says Sharon. Sharon says they called the vet and the vet said it's impossible, but Sharon doesn't buy it. They tell Bobby, who laughs. The clever editors cut from a shot of Gus's "Booda" brand toy to a shot of the house, starting on some sort of religious figure. Not Buddha, but that's obviously the tiny joke they're trying to make. (Don't worry, guys. I got it. Very cute. I'm sorry you're so bored.)

House. Dill and Jack and Robert sit around with a bunch of blonde chicks. They discuss Kuwait and Iraq and how the U.S. wants their oil. The girls look so confused. It's very funny. Dill babbles on about how "cool" the whole thing is. Someone makes fun of him about something he says. Then Jack talks about how much power the U.S. will have if they invade Iraq, and one of the stupid girls says, "That's dope. Take the power back." Ha. Then Jack says the U.S. will only be around for another fifty years and Dill busts him, saying he is completely ignorant. Hee.

Jack and Dill wrestling in the garage, both of their pants falling down. I don't know what's going on but I'm very very frightened. Ew, then Jack is standing over Dill, spanking his bare ass. Ew. Now Jack throws his shirt off. Oh, my God. Hee. Hee. Jack's bare torso. Hee. I think they're both really drunk. At least, I'm sure that'll be their excuse in the morning. More slapping; Dill pins Jack up against a wall and there is so much plumber's butt and gay headlocks and then Lola is there trying to help and trying to play too, and then just trying to get her toy water bottle out of harm's gay. Jack is disturbing without his glasses, and with his pants falling down. Jack rips Dill's belt off. Then Jack is peeing, staring at Dill. Dill goes out and pees in the yard too. "Yes," says Jack, in relation to something I don't want to know about. I need to pause after this whole disturbing scene. Maybe go take a walk. I don't know. But what I can't help thinking about is this: what do they do when the cameras aren't around?

Morning. House. Dill packs up to go, saying that he happens to be pretty good at something. I give up. He leaves.

Sharon sits with a maid and Kelly, talking about Gus and Arthur. Gus apparently shit twice in the kitchen after the rape, and the maid says it's impossible. They discuss it for a while; the maid thinks he just "went through the motions" of humping. Arthur comes over, and Sharon pets him on his stomach, talking about his "big willie." Ew. She says he needs a night with Anna Nicole. Heh.

Montage of humping. Arthur humps everything. Other dogs hump. Ozzy yells at Arthur humping the cat again. Melinda says she's going to get an apartment and take Chicken away from all this madness. Yeah, right. Like she's ever going to move out.

time. Sharon says that it would be cool if Kelly went out with Puff Daddy. We see a shot of them together. Sharon would be Puff Daddy's mother-in-law. Wow, that would not work at all. Kelly is going to New York. Montage of Kelly yelling at people. She says she needs a fucking break. She slaps at Bad Nanny and then yells at Ozzy and slams the door and screams! Ozzy puts his head in his hands and says she's fucking nuts. Quick shot of Kelly laughing maniacally in the limo. And that's it! Wow, I need a shower after all that. See ya!