Beauty and the Bert

Ozzy and Kelly are riding around in a short bus somewhere. Ozzy is complaining that "The Bone Channel" (porn) just came on in his hotel room without his asking for it. (That happened to me recently in Vegas. Not that I was complaining on moral principles, mind you -- I was glad to see the Old Lady Porn -- but when I looked at my bill, they were charging me $42.00 for two all-day porn channels that I never ordered. And then when I called up to have them take the channels and the charge off, the front desk chick totally didn't believe me. I mean, c'mon, man -- oh my God, I've become just like Ozzy.) (Oh, but also, my last phone bill had two mysterious 1-900 numbers on them made in the middle of the night, from both of our phone lines. Pac Bell took the charges off when I called, but when you put those two things together, you come up with these two explanations: Either my girlfriend is a closet porn fiend with poor monetary reasoning, or I'm a sleep-porn-watcher.) Anyway, Kelly asks if they have porn on the TV in the hotel. "Big time and full-on, babe," Ozzy says. Kelly then says she thought you had to buy the porn, and Ozzy says that you do, but -- she starts teasing him that he bought some porn, and he tries to defend himself, "I pushed the wrong button!" Hee. Kelly starts calling him a liar, making the driver of the short bus crack up. She calls him a dirty bastard, and Ozzy then asks, "What's a lonely, single man to do?" Kelly corrects him that he's not single. Oh, I get the feeling that over the years when Ozzy's out alone on the road, he's single. Opening credits.

The episode is called "Beauty and the Bert." A love song plays over shots of the garden, bees, flowers, the dogs licking each other. They pan across rocks in the garden with the family members' names on them. When they get to Aimee's, they pixelate it, but purposefully not very well. Okay, good joke.

Now in Sharon's bedroom, or some bedroom, Jack, Sharon, and Kelly lie around, with Bad Nanny hovering like she likes to do. Jack is teasing Kelly that she made out with "Pukey," the lead singer in a band. Kelly says that she's done a lot more than just kiss Pukey. Aw, why would she say that in front of her poor mother? Kelly explains that he's called that because he pukes on stage. Then Jack reveals his nickname in the band: "Cauliflower Dick." They bleep all the words so you have to parse it out. It's funnier that way. Sharon says she knows why they call him that, and then tries to figure out the word for venereal disease -- she says, "Virginial" Hee. Kelly says she's not going out with anyone, and Sharon says, "You're damn well not going out with someone with a dick like a cauliflower." Man, that's funny. Jack, letting Lola lick him, suggests that maybe he has a deformed penis. Kelly starts feeling grossed out, and Melinda says that she could get the disease on her hands just by touching his dick. Sharon tells her she could get it just by kissing him. (Or by kissing the cauliflower. Sorry, that's gross. I know.) "For fuck's sake, Mom!" says Kelly.

Now Jack is talking on the phone to Ozzy about Kelly dating this guy, Bert, the lead singer of a punk band called The Used. (I don't understand -- if they were on OzzFest as I've heard, why doesn't Sharon at least doesn't know of them more?) Instead of the normal worried dad reactions, Ozzy says, "What a fucking nerdy name is Bert." Hee. Tattletale Jack gleefully recounts that after the first week of dating, Bert told Kelly he loved her. Now Ozzy looks a little worried. So does Lola, but she just may have to throw up.

Kelly camera-talks that her "friend" Bert from The Used is coming to see her for a few weeks. Kelly talks on the phone to Bert outside Sharon's sickbed room, and Sharon teases her and then laughs as Kelly runs out of the room. Man, your poor sick mother. I don't know much about how to deal with cancer patients, but I don't think it's a good idea to tell them to "fuck off."

Kitchen. Kelly and Jack eat food while Bad Nanny does her Bad Nanny thing of just always being around while not actually providing any useful service. There is a Ozzy bobblehead on the counter near them. I want one of those. Send me one. Kelly brags that she hasn't showered in two days, and Jack gives her a high five. Kelly is tired of having a few days off -- she doesn't like it, while Jack loves not doing anything. Sadly, I'm more like Kelly in this, if in absolutely no other way. Oh, except I also can't sing. Melinda teases Kelly about Bert's puking and then asks if he's really her boyfriend now. "He is, actually," says Kelly. She tells his last name, McKracken, with a weird pride and glee. (She's in love.) Jack, looking at his food, recommends putting ice cream on one thing and then eating it. "That's such a fat kid thing to do," says Kelly. "If you hadn't noticed, I'm a fat kid," responds Jack. Kelly and Bad Nanny crack up. Now Jack reveals that Kelly and Bert recently slept in the same hotel bed. Melinda is shocked! Melinda keeps asking annoying questions. Jack plays chopsticks on a tiny little Schroeder piano until Kelly tells him she'll kill him. "I don't mess with your musical career!" says Jack. Boy, he's one fucking funny kid, man. Kelly hits him. He coughs on her. They play tug-of-war; Kelly lets go and Jack nearly falls. Fighting montage. Screaming and girl-hitting. Mostly from Jack. Finally Ozzy comes in and yells, "No fighting!" Kelly immediately runs away. Ozzy yells that this will end in tears. He sort of freaks out on them, but the minute Ozzy leaves, Kelly grabs a banana and, hopping around like my cats do when they're trying to get the others to chase them, threatens to shove it up Jack's ass. Jack responds, "There are people in Somalia who would die for a banana." Not after it was up Jack's ass, they wouldn't. Commercials.

Back. Kitchen. Ozzy is trying to give his views on Bush and war and the United Nations, but the dog is barking and Kelly and Robert are playing and he just says, "Ah, forget it. " Hee. Jack immediately says that he's enlisting, and that he's a very political person. Kelly asks if they go to war, would she and Jack have to fight. Jack says she'd sit behind a desk while Sharon says that's not true, that women can go to the front line now. "Bullocks!" shouts Ozzy. I wish he was in the U.N. He'd take care of everything. Sharon says there was a woman caught last time we went to Iraq, and Ozzy says yeah, but she was a "fucking janitor." Hee. Meanwhile, Kelly and Robert just play, not really listening. Sharon butts in, saying that women fly helicopters and do everything now. But not on the front line, says Ozzy. Sharon says they do. "Oh, fuck off!" shouts Ozzy. Hee.

Sharon tries to get Kelly to bring Bert to the house. She says that Kelly can't go to Salt Lake City because she's not eighteen yet and still has to play by Sharon's rules; she wants him to stay at the house and sleep in Jack's room. (Why does Jack have to be punished?) Kelly says that she hasn't had sex with him (which means she's about to any minute). Kelly says she doesn't want Bert staying at the house because Ozzy will sit around and go, "Have you -- have you messed around with my daughter?" Man, her Ozzy impression is terrible. It's more like Jack Klugman. Sharon says he'd never do that. Kelly totally disagrees.

Kitchen. Ozzy watches TV, as tons of random people watch over his shoulder. Who are all these people at the house all the time? Ozzy watches Two Fat Ladies or whatever that English cooking show is, totally perplexed. I thought one of them died? Hm. Anyway, the ladies are explaining about making that religious cake where you put a ring or a little baby Christ child in it. Ozzy can't change the channel, so he just walks away muttering, "That's fucking horrible." Hee.

Sharon's room. Kelly tells Sharon that she's going to go to Vegas before December and get married. Sharon says she'd love it, that it would be very exciting. I can't tell how much exactly she's kidding. Sharon wants her to get pregnant too, so that she, Sharon, can have the baby. Huh? She already has eight vicious little dogs. They'd eat that baby in a heartbeat. Ozzy shuffles into the room, as Kelly tells him she's getting married. "Good for you," mutters Ozzy, even more distracted and shuffly than usual. (A sign on the door says, "Warning. Please wear gloves and mask before entering." God. That's some serious shit. Although Michael Jackson isn't sick and he has the same sign on his door.) Ozzy ignores Kelly and sits down, saying that he's fucking had it with the TV. He explains that he's got the fucking Bread Baking channel, where two old bleeps are fucking baking fucking bread. That should be the description in TV Guide. Ozzy calls them "Brilliant fucking baboons fucking baking homemade bread." Sharon cracks up. Ozzy goes on that he's never heard of this channel. "The Cooking Channel," offers Sharon. Ozzy says it's "The Bite -- The Bed -- The Bake-Your-Own-Bread Channel." Hee.

House. Night. Sharon and Kelly talk about Bert. Sharon asks if he's a Mormon, saying he's going to cheat on Kelly. Sharon goes on, asking when he's flying in, saying that if Kelly doesn't tell her, she's going to give him a hard time. Kelly says that's exactly what she's going to do, that she's going to ask him about sex and vaginas. Sharon just says she's going to see if he passes the Osbourne Family Test: she just wants to know why they call him "Cauliflower Dick." Jack comes into the room and Kelly says that Jack has never even had a girlfriend, that he just has girls he has "sex with because they're real gross." She puts some words in finger quotes, just for fun. Jack lays out his scheme, that you just have girls you're friends with and girls you have sex with, and you keep them separate. Kelly says it doesn't even make sense, and that it's just something he made up to justify his own behavior. Uh, well, yeah. Sharon goes on that it's very chauvinistic. Jack, going full-on Cindy Brady, informs Mom that Kelly has seen and touched Bert's dick. Sharon asks if it's green with stalks. Yuck. Sharon goes on that Bert is indeed going to sleep at the house. Kelly says no again. Jack ends it by saying that any "motherfucker" who tells you he loves you after three weeks needs to have his head checked. Wow. Jack's a little jealous, huh? (But also, yeah, Bert needs to have his head checked.)

Now Kelly wears a jacket with Bert spelled out in pink electrical tape. Oh, God. How gay. Sharon says he has to change his name, because it's "silly." Kelly, wrapping a present, asks how you spell "Nicky." She's spelled it wrong. (When do these kids go to school? Seriously.)

Bed. Night. Sharon and Ozzy lie in bed. Sharon says she knows that Kelly is going to marry Bert. Ozzy goes crazy stuttering, telling her not to worry about it. "Listen, all you got to worry about it getting through today." Aw, Ozzy is so worried about Sharon; it's very sweet. "And live each day to the fullest," he adds. Then Ozzy starts pulling a thread off his pants and says, "I just caught myself on the fucking door handle with my nuts." What? Commercials.

House. Day. Kelly and Jack fight. Sharon tries to stop them. "God, beam me up. Kill me now!" says Ozzy, pissed at the fighting. The dogs are barking, which for me really would be the problem. Kids, fight all you want. Little yappy dogs, you better shut up at all times.

To escape, Ozzy goes for a swim in the pool. He makes out with one of the dogs, swimming around, sliding down the water slide. He holds one of the dogs over the water. Man, that's a dope pool. I got nothing to say about that, except that I'm jealous. I know envy is a bad emotion, but I'll go to confession later.

Sharon. She tells us that everyone is now just awaiting Bert's arrival. Sharon, looking bummed and haggard, says that if she were dating someone's daughter, she'd be polite and come over and meet the parents, especially since Bert loves and wants to marry Kelly in Vegas. Sharon leaves a message for Kelly, asking her to call. Now Sharon is wondering where Kelly is again, and Ozzy says she's probably with Bert. Melinda says she just talked to Kelly but didn't ask where she was. Oh, good job, Nanny. You sucky Nanny, you. Sharon makes Melinda get Kelly on the line for her. Sharon asks when she's coming home because Colin is over. I guess Kelly says she has no idea. The phone call ends. Lola is very cute, by the way. Sharon tells us that Kelly has checked into the Hyatt on Sunset with the band, and she won't give Sharon an answer as to when she's coming home. (They call that place the "Riot Hyatt" because of all the parties and the celebs who stay there. Kelly's so getting busy.)

Ozzy watches the Two Fat Ladies show again. "Oh, you're fucking kidding me!" says Ozzy. He then shoos Lola away from the turkey he's making.

Sharon stands with some be-suited dude in Kelly's bedroom. They look at a photo of a fat guy in his underwear. "So this must be Kelly's boyfriend," Sharon says. She's worried if it is. Sharon's never even seen a photo of the dude? Doesn't she have internet access at their mansion? Seriously.

Kelly comes home with the band. She grabs Pukey and tries to hide him. "I'll deal with this fucking Burlington Bertie," says Sharon. Sharon sits, asking why Bert isn't going to come say hi. He says he's shy. Sharon says he's full of shit. Bert says he is full of shit, but then says he's shy. Huh? Sharon makes small talk about Kelly's hair and which way he likes it. They babble about the band's upcoming show for a little while, until Sharon asks, "So where did this 'Cauliflower Dick' thing come from?" Kelly says she's out of her mind and quickly leads Bert out of there. Sharon cackles and grabs her Jamba Juice. Who is that dude in the suit? He's creeping me out.

Night. House. Ozzy sharpens a knife while watching the Two Fat Ladies again. They say something about making gingerbread with dark treacle, and Ozzy giggles.

Kelly and Sharon. Kelly says that she's pissed about what she did to Bert and that Sharon wouldn't do that to Aimee's boyfriend. Sharon says that she's jealous, and Kelly says that it's a big "mind fuck" and she has to stop. Other people are sitting around, as always. Sharon goes into performance mode, telling Kelly to get rid of Bert so things can be the way they were. She gets on her knees as everyone laughs. "I don't like it, Kelly, please. Tell him to go and leave our lives, please!" says Sharon. It's sort of not too funny anymore after a while. Kelly tells Sharon that if she wants to spend time with her, she should ask to have lunch or something. Sharon says that everything is "Bert." The crap goes on until Sharon says, "You're meant to be with Robert." Robert backs away as Kelly disses him, saying it would be like "incest." Sharon finally says that Bert is a little funky. "He doesn't smell!" protests Kelly. Sharon says he smells of cigarettes and booze. Kelly bails. More sitting around. Sharon tells Minnie she's been ignoring her, and asks if she's been seeing Bert too. Minnie doesn't know what to say.

Hallway. Lola sits around looking bored. Fucking cute-ass dog. Bert emerges from Kelly's room, and they walk down the stairs. Oh my God, there are huge portraits of all the dogs and cats on the wall over the stairs. Crazy. Crazy shit. Sharon camera-talks that Kelly likes young smelly boys, but Sharon thinks she needs an older, wiser man. Montage of Bert and Kelly hanging out. He's always smoking. Such a greasy rocker boy. He coughs. Spits. Smokes. They hold hands and enter a trailer. He looks like a boring, skinnier Jack Black. He screeches and generally acts like a douche, if also a little unbalanced. He lights a smoke and coughs as Jack lays down the truth: "Kelly's her mother's daughter. She likes guys in bands." Way to break it down, J!

timeSharon tries to put the rule down on Kelly and Jack, making them stay in and go to bed. Good luck. Meanwhile, Ozzy goes to his favorite burrito shop. Sharon says that Ozzy can't have one burrito, that he has to have 900 burritos. Ozzy comes in the room: "Nobody wants a burrito? Do you want a burrito, Jack?" Food? Of course Jack says yes. He should try ice cream on it. Ozzy eats burritos, singing the Mexican song and saying that he's Burrito Man. The captioning is covering a bunch of footage we don't see. Ozzy's little obsessions are very funny. Sharon asks if this is the last burrito. Sharon then suggests a roll with butter and bacon, and Kelly says she's going to be sick. We see her on the floor by the toilet. Ew, I just saw Kelly's crack.

Crap. Now I want a burrito. Who wants one?