“ (Here come the hundred emails telling me what he actually said. No, seriously, if you think you know and you didn't just watch a later rerun that had the captioning on it, email me. See how smart you are, you cock jackalope.) ”
Ozzy sits in his Malibu home, I'm guessing, having dinner with one-armed Jack, his Bitch Boy, and some other men. Ozzy seems drunk, as he's raving about how he was born on land and thus doesn't like the ocean. He points to one of the guys, saying that he went diving with "sixty-foot" sharks in a steel cage, and that if he were to do it, the cage would have to be titanium. Everyone is laughing their asses off. Jack looks pissed. Maybe he's making fun of Jack jumping off the pier. Damn MTV isn't captioning this one, which makes everything very difficult. Ozzy's last sentence, after laughing about having a little peephole in his cage, sounds like, "The jackalope was a cock!" (Here come the hundred emails telling me what he actually said. No, seriously, if you think you know and you didn't just watch a later rerun that had the captioning on it, email me. See how smart you are, you cock jackalope.) Opening credits.
The episode title is "The Ozz Man and the Sea," which is a Hemingway reference that I'm guessing eighty-four percent of MTV's target demo won't even get. Sharon sits with someone, who seems like it may be her sister, eating in the Beach House. Sharon tells MaybeSister that Kelly is going to England to do a bunch of interviews. Also, she's going to be on Top of the Pops, which I think is the kind of thing we would have if America hadn't eventually woken up and cancelled Solid Gold. The English don't have those sort of rules about pesky stuff like good taste or anything. Come to think of it, we still have Soul Train, so we can't really talk. Oh, then there's Kelly, talking about Top of the Pops, and while we get shots of the show, she explains that the song on the show are listed by single, not by album, and they do the top ten singles each week, which therefore makes it exactly like Solid Gold, minus Marilyn McCoo. Kelly marvels that she's watched that show every week since she was, like, two. Suddenly she scrunches up her nose, and we see one of the tiny dogs taking a massive shit on a piece of linoleum in the corner. "Oh my God," she says, depressed. (Kelly, not the dog. I think the dog is actually feeling pretty good right about now.)
Ralphs. Ozzy and a Big Bald Friend put tons of cords of wood into a shopping cart. They're going to put them in the car, but Ozzy and the clerk have a misunderstanding and he thinks she doesn't trust him to come back and pay, so he leaves a black bag with his "lyrics" inside with her. Hee. His lyrics. He should really leave the teleprompter I'm sure he has to use for every show. It's really weird to see Ozzy out in the real world. He looks good -- aside from the shaking and shuffling and almost falling down. Ralph's guy has to load the wood into the car as a shopper yells, "Ozzy, you rock." "Thank you," Ozzy mumbles to the air.
House. Night. Sharon cries as Kelly, clutching her pillow, gets ready to leave. Sharon says she hates this week because everyone is leaving.
The Ozz Man And The Sea
“ 'You just have some fun, and when you've had enough fun, come home,' she says. Wow, words that I'm sure she's said to Ozzy thousand of times over the years. (Ladies, if you ever have wondered what's the one sentence your men want to hear you say. That's it. Well, that or 'I brought home a girl for us.' Either one.) ”
Malibu. Street. Ozzy and BBF shuffle slowly across the eight lanes of traffic to get to a fire station. Ozzy is so law-abiding; it's very cute. People in a car yell at Ozzy. He waves back, and then almost falls down. Really, some day someone is going to get Ozzy Stephen King-ed by yelling to him when he's walking along the road. His balance ain't so good, people. Whoever does finally run Ozzy over: know that you will be hunted down and killed by the rest of America. Just know that.
Ozzy goes to a fireman and, by only saying three actual words and a string of mumbles, somehow conveys that he has a house on the beach and wants to know if he's allowed to build a fire. The fireman says he can dig a pit, but then, obviously trying to prolong his time on-camera, babbles about it not being a public recreation area so he's not sure. He then invites Ozzy to come into the firehouse to make sure what the code is. More firemen come out, and First Fireman explains that Ozzy wants to build the fire for Sharon, to get his wife out of the house. Aw, that's very sweet, but also, how the hell did Ozzy manage to convey all that to the fireman? BBF must have done it. Ozzy says that a fireman can come supervise it. He tries to make a joke, but just peters out in nervousness, when he says, "I don't want to set fire to the" The fireman rescues him, saying that Ozzy needs to build a pit in the sand and they can send someone over to show him.
Now inside, the Head Fireman, filling out the form, says they'll need Ozzy's address. Ozzy turns to the camera and asks, "Where do I live?" One fireman laughs. So do I.
Okay, so now Sharon talks to Jack's Helper, a big bushy dude. Jack is going to North Carolina to do a spot on Dawson's Creek. That's so funny on so many levels, I'm not sure where to begin. Sharon sits the guy down and tells him that Jack needs to learn his script. (I guess Sharon will be taking fifteen percent of Jack's Creek money, like she takes fifteen percent of everything else the family earns.) Jack's Helper says that he only has five lines, and Sharon goes on that he needs to have those five lines down, and the dude mumbles that it'll be easy because it's only cursing. Sharon looks stunned as the dude says his first line is, "Do you know where I can get some drugs?" Sharon looks aghast and says that was going to be her second thing -- Sharon tells him to make sure Jack doesn't do any pot or drink, and that he is to go everywhere with Jack and physically take drinks out of his hand. Man, how odd is it that Sharon needs to hire a guy to make sure her son doesn't misbehave. What a life that kid has. It's almost as ifnowell, it's almost as if she has to hire friends for Jack, but that couldn't be. Sharon goes on that Jack has to be kind to everyone and thank them, and that if he gets "lippy," Jack's Helper should smack him. I guess Melinda is now Kelly's Bad Nanny and this dude is Jack's. (Big shock that Jack would prefer an older Boy Nanny. I imagine the surfers weren't available.) Jack comes in and says bye to Mom. Sharon doesn't want him to leave -- she doesn't like everyone leaving. She makes him promise to be a good boy, and then she kisses his hand and tells him to get out of there. "You just have some fun, and when you've had enough fun, come home," she says. Wow, words that I'm sure she's said to Ozzy thousand of times over the years. (Ladies, if you ever have wondered what's the one sentence your men want to hear you say. That's it. Well, that or "I brought home a girl for us." Either one.)