Ozzy Go Boom

Why aren't you out seeing Showtime like the rest of America? Oh, America isn't out seeing Showtime? Oh, no one is? Oh. Poor Eddie Murphy. Hurry up, Shrek 2!

Hee. I was just testing to see if captions were working like someone said. (They're not, at least for me.) And the No Doubt "Hey, Baby!" video came on and the person, who had all the time in the world to figure out the lyrics, got all of the Jamaican dude's words right, but then transcribed "I'm just sipping on chamomile," as "I'm just sipping on Kim Meal." I had a Kim Meal oncebut then me and Kim broke up. Goodnight, everybody!

Sharon runs the garbage disposal, with what sounds like three forks, a knife, a couple bottle caps, and Martini the gay dog down there. She bitches that she hates cooking and cleaning up and she's never doing it again. "Martha Stewart can lick my scrotum," she says. The cat sympathetically licks dishes in the dishwasher as Lola gets jealous. Then Sharon looks at the camera and asks, "Do I have a scrotum?" Yes, because you sure took Ozzy's years ago. (Okay, okay -- calm down, everyone. Just a joke. She only took half.)

"Tour of Duty" is the name of this segment. Ozzy works out with a guy who looks like Body By Jake. Jake has Ozzy stretch and then stand up and do these stiff-arm marchy things. They're in Ozzy's gym, and the best part is the full tray of water they've brought in. I hope the cart doubles as defibrillator. Ozzy breathes heavily as Jake counts and tells Ozzy that he's "busting [his] ass." Montage of working out. The best things are the swimming exercise on the floor, the curls with literally no weight on the bar, and the part where Jake is pushing Ozzy's knees to his chest, crouching right by his butt. It looks exactly like it sounds. "Arms are good, Ozzy. Arms are good. Showtime." Yes, Jake. Arms are good. Ozzy coughs, looking miserable. Ozzy tells us he's getting in shape for the tour.

Sharon is in the kitchen on the phone with a reporter, talking about the upcoming tour. She says they were going to call it "Black Christmas," but Osama totally fucked that up. Now it's called "Merry Mayhem."

Ozzy, wearing his snazzy black shorts/tank top/white headband workout ensemble, plays with the faux bulldog toy with the real bulldog, Lola; Lola freaks the fuck out. Sharon describes how Ozzy is going to come into the arena in a sleigh and fly around the joint. There will be a heroin Santa smoking a cigarette that you can have your picture taken with. Meanwhile, Ozzy is making Lola crazy. Sharon wearily tells the guy that they just want the kids to have some fun and then go home again. In other words, don't bother Ozzy backstage. See the show and bail. Or go try to blow the dudes from Static X. Just let Ozzy be.

Divine Recordings. Offices. Kelly enters into the offices of Sharon and Ozzy's label. Sharon sits behind a desk and explains that everything about Ozzy's career, OzzFest, and personal family stuff too, comes through the offices. There are cool Warhol-ish silk-screens of Ozzy on the walls.

Kelly walks down the hall and makes "Nick" say hi to her. I guess he's a PR guy, because Kelly sulkily shows him a tabloid clipping about her that says, "Ozzy Girl's As Batty As Dad." She says that it came from the Sun. Kelly says that she hates England. So does America, honey.

Meanwhile, Sharon goes over merchandise, telling "Mike" that something should be in red, and then saying that she doesn't like something else, at all. I imagine Sharon is a hard boss to work for, and Ozzy is very nice, but aloof and weird. Kind of like Bad Cop, Stoned Cop. Sharon works on a price list and gets to panties. She asks us, "How much do women pay for knickers?" 'Arf a quid, Gov'nah!

Outside somewhere. Jack stands with a band loading stuff into a van. Sharon calls him and asks him to give Melinda a "Fuck You" shirt that has Chinese writing on it. (They bleep it, as with everything, so I'm not exactly sure what she said, but that's my guess.) She needs it to copy it for an Ozzy shirt. Isn't that stealing? Oh, right -- Sharon is above our quaint American laws.

Montage of Jack and the band fucking around in the parking lot. Jack tells someone at Divine that the dude has competition now; Jack has started his own label. The Sammy Hagar-looking guy tells Jack that he's a smart kid, but you just know that if it wasn't the boss's son, he'd bitchslap Jack and tell him to shut up and go fetch him some coffee. Meanwhile, Sharon tells us that Jack lives for music and wants to get his label running. (Sharon really means, "I will crush your little label, Jack! Crush it!") Back with the band, one Donovan Leitch-looking motherfucker tells Jack that he has "good hair." The band says it's always changing and that hair is important. (Yes, arms are good and hair is important.) Jack banters that you need someone in development with good hair. He says that no shit, with his hair alone on their side, their band is going to be huge. He goes on to say that they'll be "TRL #1" every day. Isn't it sad that the hopes and dreams of every young musician have been distilled into that one goal. Carson must be stopped. Someone take away his mic, his car vouchers, and his Frequent Fro-Yo Club membership at TCBY. That'll slow him down some.

The house. Daytime. Jack is asleep. Conked out. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, we're back on that day when Ozzy started drawing his masterpiece, the three-fingered scary clown. Ah, it's magical; it's almost like seeing the original sketches for the Mona Lisa, only, like, bad. Sharon says that Jack is asleep and Ozzy says he's just contemplating his move. Sharon interrupts that he's contemplating "his wank -- whether he uses his right hand or his left." Oh, man. That's gross and harsh and inappropriate. (How shocking that those three words would be attributed to a flower like Sharon!) Ozzy tells her not to be disgusting. He stutters on that Jack is contemplating his move with his fucking empire. Jack sleeps on. Hee.

Outside the house. Sharon tells Kelly to get in the car. Meanwhile, Ozzy, cold lampin' on his sofa, tells us that Sharon is a shopaholic, that she loves spending money. Kelly is wearing her bunny slippers and gets in the car as Ozzy voice-overs that every shopaholic needs "an accomplice." The car pulls out.

Sharon asks Kelly how they can get Ozzy to watch TV in the playroom so she can cook in the kitchen undisturbed. Kelly brats that Sharon doesn't know how to cook. Sharon says she's trying to learn today. Every once in a while we hear what sounds like a male voice from the backseat trying to weigh in, but he's instantly cut off. Maybe it's SOH, Son Ozzy Hates. Kelly says that Sharon hasn't cooked for her since she was six, and Sharon lies that everything is going to change. Now Sharon starts trying to adjust the mirrors in the Mercedes (she's driving) as Kelly yells that this is her car. Sharon says she can't see. Kelly, wonderful daughter that she is, then tells Sharon that she's a shit driver.

they're in a parking lot, and a bewildered lot attendant watches as Sharon yells that she didn't scratch Kelly's license plate when she rammed the car into a shopping cart. Hee. Sharon denies it, but Kelly whines that "half of the seven is off." It's a hard knock life for Kelly. Oooh, two mysteries solved. It's not a lot guy and it's not SOH -- it's Robert, Kelly's "boyfriend," who is with them. Kelly shuffles her bunny slippers, telling Sharon that she's not driving Kelly's car anymore. ["That's weird, because where I'm from, if the parents bought the car, they can drive it whenever -- and ram it into whatever -- they want." -- Sars] "I'm sorry," Kelly adds insincerely.

Shopping spree! Different day (judging by the outfits). Kelly looks for earrings. Checks out prices, as if it matters. Sharon tries something black on. Surprise. Shot of clothes and shoes! Calm down, MTV camera crew. Sharon, now in yet another weird outfit, holds a cross and tells us in her baby, cockney voice, "The Virgin Mary speaks to me. She says, 'You must go to Tiffanyand on the way, stop at Cartier.'" Eh. Jewelry. Dog purse and shoes. End of spree. Good.

At the house. The van is totally loaded with shit. Ozzy bitches, shuffling out to help carry his hard-earned money, now in the form of ugly shit from Beverly Hills boutiques, into the house. He mumbles as he grabs stuff. Sharon tells us conspiratorially that she and Kelly cover each other's asses and that Ozzy "shits" when he hears they're going out shopping. (Well, he should see a doctor about that.) Sharon is smiling as she says that Kelly doesn't miss a beat. Ozzy is bitching as Kelly lies to Daddy, "It's all stuff for your bathroom." Yeah, pearl shoes and dog purses for Ozzy's bathroom. Just what he needs.

Ozzy sits on the couch and asks where his other gold card is, and why he doesn't have it back yet. Sharon lies that it's in her bag and she hasn't had a chance to go out and buy anything, so Ozzy shouldn't worry. Eh, something's going on.

Kelly is running around the house as we see Ozzy, behind the mini Eiffel Tower, unaware; Sharon tells us that Kelly has lost Ozzy's card. She told Ozzy Sharon had it and Sharon covered, but she doesn't have it. Oops. Kelly runs around. A friend is with her, seriously lagging up the stairs. Now Ozzy yells at Sharon about a "stuffed bulldog!" and he goes to show her the toy. He makes the toy bulldog bark at Lola, who goes apeshit yet again. It's Ozzy's favorite new hobby. Thank god they didn't get rid of Lola or he'd be bored silly. Ozzy shows Sharon that it's not cardboard, it's leatherand Lola jumps in Sharon's lap trying to get at it. Sharon cackles.

Back upstairs, Kelly looks around her room, saying that she's dead if she doesn't find it. Sharon, outside, says that Kelly shouldn't have had it in the first place. More Kelly freaking out. Sharon tells us that "only in America" can you get away with using someone else's credit card. She laughs that Kelly is "shitting herself" right now. Ew. Different show. Kelly pours the contents of her purse out onto the driveway like Ally Sheedy saying that you never know when you might have to jam. Commercials.

Back. House. Night. Kelly de-Sheedys her bag and runs to look in the minivan. She finds the gold card. Sharon is relieved. (Ozzy must be poor, because I have a platinum card!)

This new segment is called "Practice Makes Perfect." Ozzy, being driven to band practice, warns the camera guys that if they're coming in, they have to wear earplugs because the guitarist Zakk (don't email and correct me if I'm wrong about his name -- I don't care) plays "louder than fucking Satan." We see the band play as Sharon instructs us as to exactly what rehearsing is. Thanks, Sharon. Ozzy jumps up and down behind the mic. Then Sharon says he has to do the videos.

Ozzy is trying on women's clothing. Of course he is. People stand around as he tries on different stuff. Everyone laughs. Ozzy hugs someone. He tells us, talking with his mouth full, that he hates making videos, that most directors think they're making a "fucking major motion movie." Kelly explains that they're doing a Moulin Rouge sketch for some show. Maybe for the tour? I'm not sure. A costume chick puts garters on Ozzy, and then fake boobs. Kelly eats, voice-overing to us that she really doesn't want to go on tour; she'd rather stay at home and hang with her friends. Kelly pulls a thong off the rack and holds it up, wondering how far up her crack it would ride.

Now Ozzy is on set, in all sorts of different costumes, standing in front of a green screen. Doing a Miss Cleo thing, he tells us that this is "fucking stupid." Yes, it is. More make-up and costume changes. Wigs. Eyelashes. Ozzy mugs. More fake tits. They discuss how the nipples should point. Ozzy, sort of digging how he looks as a woman, tells us that he looks like a "Dark Side hooker." He fellates a banana and brays like a donkey. A Grim Director Chick tells him to make "lady noises." He squeaks, "Hello!" still holding the banana. The director rubs her face and mutters; man, I can't make out what she says. She takes the banana away from a reluctant Ozzy, saying that they have to fix his make-up. She yells, "Could we get the dildo in real fast?" Lord, how many times have I heard that. Ozzy does a spit take. Ozzy bitches about the things he does to make a living. The director bitches, "You!? You're a fucking millionaire." Ozzy grimaces, but then laughs, but then stops. Oh, she is so fired when Sharon hears about this.

Ozzy is standing in Christina Aguilera garb with the scary hair, dancing around. The fired director tells him that they're going to lip sync. "Mocha choca latta ya ya," she says. Oh, this isn't going to be good. Ozzy, of course, fucks it up, and then bitches about what kind of drink is that -- that they should just go to Starbucks. Hee. Some guy laughs.

Mogul Jack sits at band practice, talking on the phone and then shaking hands with all the band members. (Hee: "Members.") Sharon sadly tells us that Jack isn't coming on tour because he's going to stay at home and try to get his label up. In a hallway, Jack asks the band if they've come up with any new band names yet. They offer "Jack Sabbath." Jack says, "That's kind of cool," his braces shining. How about "Jack's Pee Stain"?

Bedroom. Minnie wanders in. Sharon greets the dog and tells her to follow. Someone is packing for Ozzy as Sharon tells us that getting ready to go out on tour is very stressful for Ozzy. The assistant packs shoes in a protective bag as Ozzy bitches that he can't handle it anymore.

Getting on the bus. Loading the bus. Kelly is coming. Fat-with-a-"ph" fucking bus that's really just a mobile bedroom. Ozzy and Sharon snuggle under the covers with some of the dogs, asking for "kisses." We see they're on the way to Tucson. Ozzy pretends to jack off under the covers. Sharon pokes Ozzy in the eye and asks if it hurts. Ozzy pokes her back in the mouth. Driving. Driving. They describe how they used to bring their babies on tour; it would be a bus like that one, but with the cribs in the corner. Ozzy makes out with one of the dogs -- swear -- as Sharon voice-overs that Ozzy hasn't been the typical father who comes home with the briefcase. Naw, but every dad drinks four bottles of vodka and then tries to kill Mom. Right. Right? "You're know, we're not the fucking Partridge Family," says Sharon. Although, like the Partridges, you're living on a bus and you don't have sex. Commercials.

New segment is "Mother Knows Best." Uh-oh. Night. Southwest somewhere. Hotel room. Ozzy yells that they're rehearsing tonight, trying to hurry Sharon up. He mutters about how she treats the dog better than him.

"Tingley Coliseum." Wherever the fuck. Most of the neon letters are blown out so it reads, "Ting Seum." Ozzy rehearses. Zakk plays. Some midgets watch. Seriously.

Now Ozzy walks through the place, wanting to see the special effects. Tour Guy shows him this big fucking 12-barrel cannon; he explains that it shoots "pyro." Ozzy says that you can shoot fucking Iraq with the thing. Hee. They test the sleigh Ozzy rides in on, Sharon watching from below. "Snow" shoots out the back as Ozzy jokes that it's "anthrax." Good joke, Ozzy. Ozzy cackles and plays with the Iraq gun. People clap for the sleigh. "Houston, the eagle has landed," Ozzy giggles.

Backstage. Sharon and Ozzy stand around as Sharon compliments the woman dressed as a whorish Mrs. Claus. An eager-to-please female assistant howls like Sharon is the funniest thing since Ozzy's spit take. Whore Claus dances around for them. Now there is Heroin Claus, who gets a lap dance from an eager elf-woman. Montage to a Christmas song. Sleigh. Mrs. Claus. Santa helpers -- sluts. Santa. A midget in a skeleton costume beats a baby with a stick. Of course he does. Then he drives Kelly around backstage in a cart. Kelly giggles. Kelly gets to drive the cart herself. Kelly walks with Sharon, holding hands.

Santa is hung on a cross on stage. Ozzy jokes that Santa is a saint. He laughs with band dudes and says, "It's fucking ridiculous." It is. Then a tech guy explains that there will be popcorn going off. "Popcorn?" says Ozzy. Then the shit goes off (loud explosions) and Ozzy says, "Shit." Everyone is laughing as Ozzy holds a shaky hand to his heart. Sharon then points to the stage and sings, "Tiny Bubbles," as indeed, bubbles fly around. "Bubbles!? Ah c'mon, Sharon, I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne, the prince of fucking darkness! Evil evil evil." He mutters on about the bubbles and then asks Sharon when the "male models" come out and start stroking themselves. No, that's the George Michael concert. Now Ozzy bitches as Sharon walks off. "I'm not going to do it, Sharon!" Sharon says that she's changed her name. Ozzy just wants to play music.

Green room. (It's actually blue.) Hee. Ozzy is still bitching that he's the one who has to go onstage in two nights. He yells about fucking bubbles and "fucking stupid cannons" and "a fucking Santa Claus machine landing on the fucking stage. I just want to play rock and roll, man." Sharon snickers over by the Red Bulls and snacks. Ozzy says that she has forty-eight hours to sort it out and what's she going to do about it? Sharon says that she'll sort it out, totally lying. (Ozzy was loving the sleigh and the cannon earlier. The bubbles pushed him over the top, I guess.) Sharon asks when has stuff not been fixed? Ozzy sits, brooding, as Sharon sits to him in the fetal position, covering her face like a scolded child. (And this is exactly what works for them so well. She makes decisions. He bitches about them. She pretends to be scolded, but is really just biding her time for it to blow over. And then he does what she told him to do in the first place. Perfect!) Ozzy gets up and walks away. Now Sharon asks some dude about the set list as Ozzy looks at the food. She says the set list will be what it was today. Ozzy wanders into another little room, and thank god the camera stays on him. As the guys joke with Sharon and one of them says something about being Mexican, Ozzy sits down with his foodand the chair tips over backwards, crashing all the way over so just Ozzy's feet in the air are visible to us. Goddamn, the funniest shot ever. Ever! The dog is all scared. A minute after the dudes come out of the back room, a bearded guy laughs that "it never ends." Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. They deserve an Emmy for the scene, right there. (The best is how Ozzy is setting down his food and then wiping his mouth as the chair starts to go over. And he tries to right himself, but the thing just whips back and falls out of frame. And then his feethee. Lord.)

Hotel room. Night. Ozzy and Sharon cuddle on the couch as an assistant dude stands by. Ozzy interrupts Sharon and Assistant and asks if Sharon is going back tomorrow. Her stupid cockney voice: "No. No I'm not, Daddy." Ozzy puts his hands over her mouth and asks the dude when they're playing Albuquerque. Assistant is silent and then laughs, unable to lie. Ozzy is hot on the case now, asking if they're doing two shows back to back. Sharon says, "No, don't be ridiculous." Uh-oh. Ozzy asks to see an itinerary, and the assistant dude stalls that he thinks his copy is on the bus. Ozzy now asks Sharon again, and she laughs, "Don't get technical, Daddy." Ozzy is freaking out that he's on the road and he wants an itinerary. Minnie starts trying to bite Ozzy as he fucks with Sharon. He asks again for an itinerary, and she closes her eyes -- "I don't know where one is, I'm not well" -- yes, in the voice again. Assistant laughs because that's what he's paid for. Finally the assistant ("Tim"?) says he'll go get one, and Ozzy has had enough and gets serious. Sharon finally admits that they have a show tomorrow (in Tuscon?) and then a show the night in Albuquerque. Oops. Ozzy freaks out that she can't do that to him and that he's going to break his voice and he's fifty-two and she knew he couldn't do it before she booked the thing. Assistant Tim comes back with the itinerary, and Ozzy jabs that that was a quick run to the bus. Tim mutters that it's Sharon's itinerary. (How uninvolved in his own career is Ozzy that he hasn't even seen his own schedule the day before a tour starts?) Ozzy stands up and rails as Sharon and Tim exchange a sour look. Ozzy says that Sharon only cares about money and she knows he'll just do it. Now Ozzy sits again, and Sharon says that Ozzy has never done nine gigs in a row in his life, and he says she'll change that . He says that it's "abuse" and that he won't fucking do it. All serious, he says that it's going to be "one on, one off. I ain't doing it."

Cut to Ozzy on stage. "Hello Albuquerque, how you doing?" Hee. Perfect. Ozzy moons the crowd. Tour montage! Ozzy sings. Crowd. The bus. The road. Kelly shuts her ears, smiling. Ozzy dunks his head. The crowd. The show. Sharon smiling, having gotten her way. Over.

week. Ozzy on stage, holding his leg. He tells us that he's never broken his leg before, so he doesn't know what it's like. (Is this from when, it's been reported, Ozzy fell off the wagon on tour and fell, drunk, into a bathtub or something?) Ozzy, in the backyard, chases the cat around the empty pool. Ozzy says that he's going to bash the cat with his walking stick. He yells, surprisingly not having been able to catch the cat, "Sharon!" Inside, Sharon tells Jack that he's not going to a rave. Jack, on the phone, imitates his mom, mocking her. There is a weird-ass green-screen shot of Jack doing the robot in front of shots of a rave. Ozzy, cross-armed, mumbles to us something about being fed bullshit or something. Now Ozzy and Sharon sit across from Jack. Ozzy says, all serious, "I will not have dope smoked in my fucking house." Jack says that he has to go and gets up. Sharon yells after him. Oooooooh. Jack's in trouble.

Rock on, people!