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Oh, remember how I was saying that Chiklis opus The Shield, over on FX, had beaten The Osbournes' debut? Well, while the ratings for The Osbournes has steadily increased each week, The Shield's have dropped. Now, while I don't have anything against old Commish/Daddio himself, I will say this: neener neener neener.
Ozzy gets off a plane and camera-talks that they're on a whirlwind promotional tour, and he hasn't had "any sleep but a piss" all day since six in the morning. Shaaaaaron!!!
Scary fans scream and yell. Ozzy performs, grabbing his crotch, which they tile out for some reason. They showed Michael Jackson doing it. I find Ozzy's grabbing his crotch much less scary. In fact, how come they can show Lola taking a massive shit, but they can't show a man grabbing his cock, unless it's on the baseball diamond? I swear, I'll take this whole medium down! I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!
"It's called rock and roll!" Ozzy yells, and then turns away, sad. Ozzy is tired.
Credits.
The first segment is called "Trouble in Paradise." Sharon's bedroom. Kelly and her booooooyfriend are hanging out. Sharon is saying that they're going to have to put Kelly's leg in a cast tomorrow, and she whines, "Noooo!" She explains that it was raining, and she stepped up onto the curb to shake someone's hand, and there was a hole the exact same size as her foot and she stepped in it and fell. And now we see it -- man, she steps right in this hole and falls over. She could have totally broken her foot clean off. Clean off, I tell you! She tells us she felt like "such a crackhead." Hey, Kelly, don't claim you know what it feels like to be a crackhead until you've actually been one, okay. You diss crackheads everywhere when you do that.
But seriously, the hole is huge. They should sue, except they have enough money. I knew a girl who fell through a grate in Manhattan clear down like twenty feet, and got millions. (Go try it! She only, like, broke her back and lost all her teeth. But think about it: millions.) Kelly now whines why does she always have to fall or trip or smack her face? While she whines, we see her fall and trip and smack her face at different times. Hee. Sharon says Ozzy and Kelly are both always falling and are both accident prone. She goes on that Ozzy's leg is still really bad. (Well, there is a difference, Sharon, between "accident prone" and "drunk off his ass.") Now Kelly whines that she doesn't want Sharon to go out on tour, that when they're both gone there is no one to mediate between Kelly and Jack. That should be Melinda's job, but she's the most ineffectual nanny since, well, The Nanny. We see Jack running after Kelly and Kelly screaming. Sharon does her little voice -- the voice about which lots of mad Limeys have written complaining that it's not "cockney" (yeah, okay, whatever you say) -- saying that she has to go. She's going to Houston, she says. Sharon goes on that she misses her husband.
“ Jack now stands at the stove (boiling eggs?), saying that Melinda thinks that as a nanny she has to wipe his ass, tuck him in, and bring him cocoa in the morning. (We see her do this stuff -- except, thankfully, for wiping his ass.) ”
Shot of Houston. An Ozzy song plays. I like Ozzy's voice a lot, though I never got into his music much. We get a shot of the Art Cows, or whatever they're called. I think Houston or Chicago was the first city for this. Texas flag. More music. (Obviously, they've somewhat gotten over Ozzy pissing on the Alamo.)
Hotel room. Ozzy's leg hurts -- he rubs it, saying what has he done to his leg. Sharon is there now, talking about how Ozzy's fucking leg hurts. She won't tell whoever she's talking to on the phone what Ozzy did to hurt it (lending credence to the Getting Drunk Falling Down theory) while she goes on that Ozzy must have been sleepwalking and fallen down. Yeah, "sleepwalking." I hear you, Sharon. Loud and clear.
Back at the house. Jack plays a "Doom"-like game while Melinda tries to get him off to school. She says she has his socks. He doesn't care. She leans in all "nice," saying that she'll give Jack "an OJ." (I think you'd have a better chance of getting him to do what you wanted if you changed the "O" to another letter, Melinda.) She also offers Jack some toast, like it's the greatest thing in the world. Jack ignores her. Jack now stands at the stove (boiling eggs?), saying that Melinda thinks that as a nanny she has to wipe his ass, tuck him in, and bring him cocoa in the morning. (We see her do this stuff -- except, thankfully, for wiping his ass.) He huffs that he's going to be sixteen in five days. (Yes, but you still piss your bed, don't you?) Melinda whines for Jack to please come, that he's already played the game all day. Jack says "two minutes." Jack voice-overs that it pisses him off and he doesn't want a nanny, but Sharon insists. Co-dependent Melinda says that Jack is already forty minutes late for school (Lord!) and she'll just call the school and say he's running late! Jack finally gets up, but then says he has to brush his teeth. When Melinda complains, Jack says that she's fired. Hee.
In the car. Melinda points to a store and says that Jack can get her Christmas present there. He says he's going to give her a broken alarm clock so she doesn't get up in the morning. She loves it, the flirting. She lets him off at school and says she'll pick him up at three-fifteen. She pulls away and then justifies both Jack's rudeness and her ineptness, saying that Jack is tired and he lives a very busy lifestyle
Montage! Jack sleeps. Jack goes to the Roxy on a school night. Jack chills. Jack sleeps with Lola to him. Roxy. Jack doing the robot in front of a green screen. (You wacky editing staff, you!) Roxy. Lola. Roxy. Sleeping. Roxy. Hanging. Chilling. Rainbow Room. Hanging with rockers. Laughing. Sleeping. Coming home at 4:20 AM. (Okay, so I know 4:20 is some drug or pot reference, but I don't care enough to look it up. I personally think the drug culture is silly and pot smokers are the silliest. Don't tell me about hemp clothing. I'm tired of hearing about it. I've done the smoke-pot-every-day thing and I'm over it. Keep your Phish and your 4:20 to yourself. Thanks!)
Family Matters
Night. Melinda talks on the phone to Ozzy and Sharon, who are still on the road. Melinda says that Jack came home at 4:20 and she was "vomiting with fear," thinking Jack was dead in the middle of Sunset. Melinda goes on that Jack is usually good (bull) and they usually get along well (crap), but now Jack got caught doing something wrong and he's pissed off that she told Sharon. No one likes a snitch. Ozzy, shirtless in running pants, tells Melinda that if Jack smokes a bong, she must tell him so that Ozzy can shove the bong up his butt. He goes on about them being the parents, but they're gone so it's up to Melinda's discretion and it's her responsibility. Melinda nervously says bye, hanging up. Her hair is all crazy and silly. Hee. Bad nanny.
Now Jack, still boiling those damn eggs, tells us that he's not getting along well with Melinda. Shot of Jack saying, "Fuck you, Melinda," over and over while she tries to eat cereal. Hee. He tells us that having a nanny is stupid and childish. He sprays air freshener at her and then leaves, while she yells after him that he has to be home at 9:30. Yeah, that's going to happen.
Outside the Roxy, Jack talks to his parents on the cell phone. Ozzy asks Jack why he can't do the right thing. He says, "It's a man that can apologize. It's a wimp that can't." Wow -- nice, Ozzy. Jack says that Melinda is a bitch and that he can't apologize with a straight face. Ozzy calls Jack "darling" and says that regardless, she was up all night worrying herself to death what had happened to Jack and it's not a big deal and he should just do it. Ozzy goes on that she's not going to climb up on the roof (I think he says of "Highland," which is a street where the new Oscar theatre is here) and announce that "Jack Osbourne has just apologized!" Jack blabs that he doesn't know how to say that he's sorry for emotionally hurting her, that he's not in for all that mushy shite. Ozzy is shaking while he's listening; Sharon picks her nails. Ozzy now gets tough and says he's paying lots of money for Jack's schooling and he can't come home at four o'clock; it's not good enough for Ozzy. Ozzy stutters, "It's not all fun andn-n-not no all, all games and fun and all thatno-no-no work. You got to do a certain amount of work." (Lord, that's funny shit.) Sharon adds that Jack is pissed because he thinks Melinda was the one who told her about the pot, but so has everyone else. Ozzy jumps on this and tells Jack that they've known about his "dope situation" for a long time now. Ozzy says, "Don't you think I know what it means when you order a pizza at fucking twelve o'clock at night?" Hee.
“ Ozzy starts yelling that he's not going to hop around with a busted leg. When Ozzy starts complaining, wherever he is, people think he's joking since he has such a good sense of humor, and everyone starts immediately laughing. Constantly. Ozzy is serious, though. Man, he hates the photographer. ”
Photo shoot! Ozzy makes his typical faces and then the photographer says, "Let's get the little guys in." Midgets in skeleton outfits march out and stand around Ozzy. Ozzy looks bewildered but tries to be nice, joking, "Watch what you're doing down there." Ozzy complains that he needs to hurry because his leg is fucked up. Now they bring Rob Zombie out, and Ozzy starts yelling that he's not going to hop around with a busted leg. When Ozzy starts complaining, wherever he is, people think he's joking since he has such a good sense of humor, and everyone starts immediately laughing. Constantly. Ozzy is serious, though. Man, he hates the photographer. In a different background (Rob Zombie just looks like he's asleep), the photographer asks for Ozzy to show him some "face." He says he's only got one, and then when the dude wants the typical hands-out pose again, Ozzy complains that they can just get an old photo and paint him in. Rob Zombie finally laughs. Ozzy says that it's not like in life you'll see him walk around like "this," and he makes the face. Rob laughs again. Commercials.
"Break A Leg." Ozzy performs. People scream. Ozzy now tells us that while he was playing, his leg was getting really bad and he was still jumping around. We see Ozzy backstage, dancing around to his Moulin Rouge video opening. Sharon told Ozzy not to do any jumps. We see Ozzy doing jumps while Zakk rocks. Ozzy says he can't just stand up there like "a dork." Playing UTEP, Ozzy jumps. Now he holds his leg and gets helped offstage. He tells us that he's never broken his leg, so he didn't know what it felt like.
Hotel room. A guy hands X-rays or MRI results to some other guy to get sent back with them. Ozzy tells us that he's not a wimpy guy, and he makes a voice and jokes, "Oh, doctor. I've got a pain in my big toe. Please don't amputate." Hee.
Now Sharon tells us that Ozzy's wearing a temporary Velcro cast because they have to keep X-raying the leg. We see the X-ray, then Ozzy being helped off the bus and onto a plane. Ozzy now tells us that it's a tiny fracture but not life-threatening; it's going to keep him down for a couple weeks. The plane takes off, and of course, "Mama, I'm Coming Home" plays. You've been waiting for weeks to play that, huh, people?
Ozzy comes home, somehow with Lola. It's night. Sharon greets him at the front door. The dude from the hotel brings the X-ray for Sharon -- he explains it while Sharon looks at the X-ray. Jack hovers around. Sharon says she can't see anything, but Jack says he can see the bone "shaving." Ozzy holds the X-ray up to Kelly's butt, joking that she has sunshine coming out of her ass. Hee. Ozzy is bummed and/or drunk. He yells for Jack to put the X-ray that he's carrying away, back. He says that if you want to see a break, he'll crack it for you (huh?). Sharon tells him to fuck off. Ozzy grabs a baguette and breaks it. Jack laughs. Now Ozzy sits with a drink (a drink drink?) as Sharon kisses him. He yells, "Look how fucking fat the cat's got!" The cat is rolling around on the couch. Kelly says that she's supposed to be fat. Melinda says that at least Puss is over her herpes. "Puss had herpes?!" Ozzy yells, a disgusted look on his face. They argue over whether or not she had it in the eye and/or the mouth. Ew. Ozzy wants to leave, looking around. Sharon tells Ozzy to keep the leg elevated. He says he will if he has a naked lady lying on him for the three weeks. Sharon laughs. Kelly asks how long he has to wear the boot. Four weeks. Then Sharon says that Kelly and Ozzy could "share shoes" -- she wears flat-style shoes. Ozzy says she's "fucking funny," getting up. Sharon's all, "I know. Billy C. used to think I was hysterical. Until he fired my ass. He loved my little-girl voice. Still couldn't get him to fire James Iha, though."
Family Matters
“ Ozzy says, 'How old are you?' Long silence. She says, 'Dad, you know how old I am!' Ozzy says, 'Yes, okay,' without actually having to say how old she is. (He has no idea.) ”
Meeting. They don't let camera crews in this one room, but it's still wired for visual and sound, so we get the whole meeting -- which surprised the MTV crew, I read. Anyway, Sharon and Ozzy sit opposite Kelly and Jack. Sharon starts out by asking them (very smart tactic, Sharon) if they think it's "right" that they go out night after night and party and that they have no structure? She says that they have to "work" towards finding structure. Ozzy says they have to come to some sort of agreement about going out and coming in, and they can't keep fucking running around all hours during the week. Jack says that he isn't out every night. "This is the thing!" he says. Ozzy gets up, saying that "this fucking thing sucks, I hate it." Hee. Sharon tells him to sit there with her, knowing that Ozzy is bad at this parental shit. Ozzy just sits back down in his chair. Ozzy starts listing what Jack does in his room -- that he plays on his computer and listens to Tool. Jack says that he mostly reads. Ozzy says that he's his "Da," and Jack has a guilty smirk on his face. I'm not sure where Ozzy is going with this, but the court will allow the line of inquiryfor now. A dog jumps around. (Talking about lack of structure -- they should have a sit-down with the animals.) Sharon says that last night someone "drops up" to play pool at 2:30 AM, and that it's "not normal." Ozzy gets straight-up dad on them by saying that he didn't pay all this money to live in an amusement arcadethat he might as well live in a hotel. He asks if they would be allowed to come by their friends' houses at 2:30 AM and play pool. (This isn't going well.) Jack rubs his face and sighs. Ozzy wonders what a good time is, and Sharon says 12:30 during the week. Ozzy immediately stands up (it looks like he's holding and using a nicotine dispenser fake-smoke thing, but I think he's off the shit clean) and says that it's all sorted, then. Hee. Sharon tells him to sit with her. He again just sits back down in his chair.
Sharon now talks to Kelly about the I.D. As predicted, she indeed sort of screams that she's never going to use it to buy alcohol. Ozzy says, "How old are you?" Long silence. She says, "Dad, you know how old I am!" Ozzy says, "Yes, okay," without actually having to say how old she is. (He has no idea.) Ozzy says that if she gets busted, it's over, that she won't even touch the "landing strip" (I think he's still worried about them getting deported); he says she shouldn't be hanging around at clubs until she's twenty-one. Ozzy bitches on about fake I.D.s and that it's "bullshit." Kelly then pulls the Osbourne Trump Card, saying that Ozzy and Sharon have to understand that she and Jack have been brought up differently than most kids. Ozzy is confused: "What!?" But then Sharon explains that Kelly means "generally," and Ozzy calms down. They say that no other kids who were brought up with parents in the music business went on tour. Sharon says she knows, and she chose to have the kids go out with them so they could be together as a family. Kelly says that she likes that they did that, and she wouldn't have that "any differently," but that everyone else is "very immature." What? Sharon interrupts that she knows this, and Kelly yells, "Can you let me finish!?" Kelly now starts whining about how hard it was for her growing up with all the kids teasing her in class; she says that some kids still can't get over the fact that her dad bit the head off a bat twenty years ago. (How exactly does this excuse her using a fake I.D.?) She says that it's not "fair" and she doesn't like it. Ozzy asks if she'd like home schooling. Silence. Sharon says that she understands and she hated school too. "Same here," offers Ozzy. Kelly says that they've all done stupid things, but she doesn't do drugs. Ozzy stands up and says, "You've done them?" Again, silence. Again, Sharon tells him to sit with her. Again, Ozzy sits back down. Hee.
Family Matters
“ Sharon calls after him, but he's gone. Good going, Kelly. ”
Now Ozzy turns to Jack and says that he will not have pot or drugs of any "time" ("type" and "kind" together, forming a new word!) smoked in his fucking house. Ozzy says that Jack needs to cut out the dope, because it ain't going to lead to good places. "Look at me," he says. Yikes. Good point. Jack says that everyone thinks he has a problem, but that he doesn't drink or smoke pot because he "craves" it, but rather because he "chooses" to do it. Wow, good point, kid. Ozzy volleys back that he didn't at first either, but eventually he became addicted. (This is really not going well.) Jack lies that eighty percent of the population uses weed. Bullshit. Ozzy counters that if eighty percent of the population got a stupid tattoo, would he do it too? What? (Kelly would. Kelly did.) Jack laughs, thinking about Kelly's tattoo also. Ozzy brings out a better statistic -- about how if eighty percent of the population poked themselves in the eye every Wednesday; would Jack do it? Jack helpfully answers that no, he would not. Jack goes on that he doesn't have a problem. Now Kelly rats him out like Melinda that Jack did admit that he smokes every night to help him go to sleep. Busted! Jack says that he doesn't, and then yells, "Oh, I'm such a liar!" and says that he has to go, and that he has somewhere to be and this isn't even a "fucking structured conversation" and that he has no say. He bails! Lord. Sharon calls after him, but he's gone. Good going, Kelly. Ozzy stands up, muttering, "End of conversation, go back to being normal, I'll see you later." He dodders off, saying, "Fucking kids." Hee.
Now Ozzy and Sharon sit on the couch, and Sharon says that Kelly came to her and said that she's been thinking, and a lot of her friends she's not going to see anymore. Ozzy says that's Kelly, but what about Jack. Silence.
Montage of Jack at the clubs. DJ-ing. Dancing. It's 12:40 AM, and Jack orders a pizza. Heeeeeeee. Disco. Roxy. Smiling. Over.
week. Ozzy says that he shouldn't be drinking alcohol, period. Ozzy drinks alcohol. Ooooooooh! Lola eats. Ozzy yells at Jack that he'll take the dog on a fucking walk. Sharon tells Jack that Ozzy is "stoned." Ozzy stumbles down the street with Lola, saying, "Ah, fuck off!" Hee. Awesome! Now Ozzy rides a Lark Electric old-lady scooter backstage. Ozzy tells us he has to get back on the road. Kelly tells us that it really pisses her off that "Dad" didn't want them to come on the road with him. Ozzy reads a magazine on the floor by the toilet. Ozzy gets off a bus. It's Ozzy's birthday, and they've flown out to surprise him. Kelly brats that he's a "bastard" if he doesn't want them there. Sharon gets upset at that. (At that? Man, she is protective.) Jack yells at Kelly too. And that's it!