So people are complaining that the ratings are way down and the show is suffering. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. But it's still one of the more entertaining things on television. Except, goddamn, they keep killing me with the Pepsi commercials and the hosting. Sharon can't do this talk show. I think it's the worst idea I've ever heard. Well, aside from Kelly's album, and Jack's gay wrestling career.
One of the dogs voraciously licks the mouth of the sleeping Lola. It reminds me of that anti-weed commercial where the girl is so high at the party that she can't really stop that freshman dude from feeling on her titties. Ozzy stares at the scene, his mouth agape (although, really, Ozzy's mouth is pretty much always agape). He looks over (well, they edit him watching TV or something to look like he's watching all this) to see another of the little dogs, this one with a crazy joker smile, scratching at the glass door to be let inside. Oh no, he is actually watching this, as he gets up and walks to the back door, muttering about the little dog driving him mental with the scratching, and Ozzy starts jumping up and down, mimicking and mocking the little dog. Wow, Sharon needs to send Ozzy back out on the road. Homeboy is bored. Ozzy lets the dog in.
Opening theme. Sharon is skinny. Jack spits water. Kelly laughs like a seal. Ozzy dances. We all watch as the shark sails beneath us. Title card: "Cleanliness Is to Ozzyness."
Ozzy comes home to dogs fighting and yipping. Rape survivor Gus plays with the water spigot. Amusing-themselves editing crew ironically shows a shot of a book called "A Peaceful Life." Ozzy goes to the fridge and says, "Well, I'm back, man," and then points to dog shit all over the floor. The Bitch Boy points out that Ozzy has shit on his heel. "Oh, fuck, man," says Ozzy, hobbling (not hobbling as usual for him, but this time trying not to spread the poo) outside, muttering that he's sick and tired and that it's driving him mental. He goes on that he lives in a "nine-million-dollar turd." Hee. And also: nine million! Jesus. I'm going to go find a bat I can orally decapitate. Ozzy, now sitting outside, points to the lawn and how there are big brown spots where the dogs urinate "radioactive piss." It really is fucking gross. Ozzy goes on that he might as well take his money and throw it in the fire. He tells Bitch Boy to order him a crocodile to eat all the dogs. I'm sure Bitch Boy is in there right now flipping through the Staples catalog to find one, hoping he won't be fired.
Ozzy sits inside with one of Sharon's helpers or doctors, discussing the dog crap. "Dogs carry fucking bugs, man," says Ozzy, obviously in a very quotable mode. He says that Sharon's immune system…and then he just moves on -- as we see a dog piss on the floor -- that it's like a sewer in there. He says that a fly is going to land on shit and then "run" -- though I don't think flies are very good at running -- into the bedroom (where Sharon is). The doctor/helper says that Sharon's promised to keep the dogs off the bed. Right -- and Arthur has promised to stop ass-raping the cats, and look where that's gotten us.
Bedroom. Ozzy grabs one of the dogs, lifting it away from Sharon. He mutters the whole time about "sorry, sweetheart" and "you can't -- you can't." I don't know a whole lot about animal training, but my three cats (yes, I have three now -- time you fall in love with someone, realize you're not only taking that person into your life, but whatever cats they might have; and then think long and hard about it…) barely understand a clearly spoken "No!" I'd bet they don't really get a whole lot out of Ozzy's mumblings. As Ozzy pushes gently, the dog ignores Ozzy and doesn't get off the bed, but rather wanders over to Sharon's side. "No, Magdalena," says Ozzy, as Sharon tells the dog to "just lie still," because that way the bugs can't jump to Sharon at all. Ozzy lectures Sharon about how she doesn't want to get an infection at this time, and he's yelling about "bugs," which cracks my shit up. Poor Sharon. If she can't have her dogs to comfort her, what can she have? Maybe Ozzy should find her some bands to bully or musicians to fire. That's the only other thing she loves quite as much.
Ozzy's gym. He picks up dog shit, muttering totally unintelligibly. And this ushers in The Great Shit Montage: Dog shit on the floor. Bad Nanny cleaning pee. Dog shit on the floor. Dog shit on the floor. Dog shit on the rug. Dog shit outside. Dog shit on the rug. Someone cleaning up dog shit. Lola shitting. Lovely. I haven't seen puke in a while. Let's have Bad Nanny puke up her tea and Doritos .
Pantry. Jack has baked beans hidden in back of stuff. He pulls out a can and makes Robert his "first beans on toast." He calls it a historic event. They eat, Lola standing on the counter watching, practically burning herself on a candle. The food looks nasty, but Robert seems to like it.
Jack camera-talks about Robert. He befriended Aimee and Kelly at school when they first moved to the country. His mom recently died of cancer, and so they've taken him in. Robert runs around, checking out his new digs -- which seems to be a guest house in the back of the house. I know his mom died, and I don't mean to be insensitive, but -- Oh my God, that's a dope set-up for a kid. Why don't I have any rich rock-star-kid friends? I was friends with the son of sixties icon and ice cream namesake Wavy Gravy, but their house was ugly and they definitely weren't rolling in money. Robert finishes the tour, showing his new bedroom and the Chinese Love Bed he'll be sleeping in.
Ozzy cleaning pee. He says, "Not one more fly!" He goes on that he loves every animal he sees, but the smell is like something from hell. He says the smell "takes a human form and chases you around the house." Hee. That's funny. He goes on that he wishes someone would create a dog that didn't shit. Ozzy is actually scrubbing the rug with cleanser, which is something I'd never expect -- and something he'd never do if Sharon weren't ill. He talks into Lola's ass, asking for no more shit to come out. I hope it works. That would be amazing. Commercials.
House. Day. Workers have just put up those massive dog portraits we've seen for a while now on the stairwell. Ozzy jokes that they forgot to put up the Dog Shit portrait. Hee. That's funny. The portraits, however: the mark of a crazy house. Ozzy goes on that they should now get rid of the dogs and just keep the photographs -- the photographs don't stink.
Kitchen. Sharon jokes around with Lulu, as some hot blonde aide sends her up to bed. Sharon makes sure she has her magazine, and then looks around for Minnie. They find her, and Sharon leads her upstairs -- Sharon saying that Minnie sleeps "under" the bed, which is total bullshit.
Kelly asks the aide if the dogs could get her mom sick. The aide says the doctors told her not to have them on the bed, but she can hold them and pick them up. Kelly tells the sleeping Lulu to shut up.
Bedroom. Sharon asks Ozzy where he's going. He says, "I'm going to hop around the garden. Step in some dog shit, and go insane, to start the day off." Hee.
Downstairs. Ozzy steps in more shit. He then lectures two men: "Don't touch the dog and then touch your mom. Don't touch a piece of shit and then touch your mom." It's funny because I'm sure Kelly and Jack are just off camera, but it looks like he's yelling at the old dudes. Ozzy shows how he's carrying tons of anti-bacterial hand wash to make sure he stays sanitary. He goes on that he gets pissed off that no one listens to him. "Everyone around here is contaminated," he says. They show a dog licking its ass. A cat licking its ass. A dog humping a bigger dog's head. Ozzy yells at the men, this time about hygiene, as a small white dog tugs on the cock of another dog, pulling it out and snapping it back in. The big dog wakes up. Yeah, I would too.
Office. Kelly howls with laughter when Sharon finds a dried piece of shit on Minnie's fur. Kelly says, "I told you they were disgusting." What does that mean? Dogs or clumps of poo? Kelly tells her to pull it off, but she says she can't because every time she does it gets "mushier" in her fingers. Ew. Yuck. They can't find scissors, but then Kelly takes some demo CD and pulls it off with that, yelling that it stinks. Oh, man -- I know there are a lot of bad fates for a band's demo, but being used to pull shit off a dog's fur is one of the worst. It looks like the band's name is "Superheist." Well, with a jackass name like that, they probably deserve it.
Jack's room. He shows off for Robert, putting on his helmet. Jack has Robert throw a shoe at his head, demonstrating the power of the helmet. They're such boys. They stand dancing around to the music, saying stuff like, "Cool," and "Yeah."
Sharon comes to get Robert, to check out the current state of the guest house. God, it's gorgeous. Robert doesn't want some pictures in the fucking huge kitchen. Sharon lists off that they need a rug, a coffee table, and a sofa. Poor Robert. He must feel terrible nodding and saying "yes" to all this expensive stuff they need. I'd just tell them I'd be fine living in the garden, in a sleeping bag.
But instead, they go shopping. Robert tries out five-thousand-dollar sofas and chairs and beds. Desks. Chandeliers. Everything in four figures. God. More stores. A crap song plays during this, by the way. Sharon looks very happy spending money. I guess along with playing with yippie dogs and firing musicians, that's her thing. Shopping is her dulcinea.
Speaking of dulcineas, Ozzy goes on with his current obsession -- which seems to have taken the place of burritos -- and that is yelling at people about dirt. He tells Jack that Sharon's immune system is shot, and they don't want to overreact but they've got to get the point across. Ozzy gets a little upset, saying he hopes nothing serious happens. He leaves. Jack says he loves Ozzy. He doesn't pause to stop eating when he says it, but it's still pretty sweet.
House. Night. Jack yells at Sharon that she's not going out. "Jack, I'm not dying. I'm not crippled." Man, Jack is upset. Sharon says the chemo doesn't affect you until two days afterwards. They fight some more, and finally Sharon says she hasn't been out for months and she wants to go out to dinner with her girlfriends. Jack says she never listens to them, and then tells her to "fuck off." Wow. Commercials.
House. Day. Kelly sits by Sharon's bed. Sharon is telling her how great she felt going out last night and how she didn't want to come home at all. Kelly says she's pissed how angry Jack got, but Sharon says he just cares and he doesn't understand -- it's all so much for him. Sharon says again how great it felt to be out having fun and being silly with the girls.
Downstairs. Sharon sits covered with dogs. Ozzy tells her not to let the dogs lick her, and she pretends she has no idea what he's talking about. Again, he talks about the bugs and the immune system. Ozzy goes on, saying the dog was just licking her butt. (The dog's butt, not Sharon's. Things haven't gotten that out of control over there.) Oh, poor Ozzy. So panicked. So worried. He takes her outside for a walk in the garden. They sniff flowers and shuffle around, really looking like two mental patients, even though she's the only one wearing a bathrobe. Then Ozzy steps in shit and Sharon cackles.
Office. Ozzy complains to Bad Nanny that there are too many fucking dogs. Bad Nanny says matter-of-factly, "I know," like "no shit." It's great. Bitch Boy is there too -- and Ozzy lays out his master plan to build the dogs a kennel outside with a fence and air conditioning. Uh-oh.
Outside on the back patio. Ozzy is with some contractor dude, laying out what he wants for the dogs. (Oh, the poor neighbors, man. Having the dogs outside pissed off all the time. I would move. Well, I would have already moved when Ozzy chucked a fucking log through my window.) The contractor wonders if it should be temporary, but Ozzy says it should be nice, with shade. He says he could put up a big fence all over the area, and that it stays shady all the time so they need no cover. Ozzy walks away, mumbling. No cover? Again, poor neighbors.
The contractor quickly calls Sharon and explains about Ozzy wanting a kennel for the dogs. "No fucking way," says Sharon calmly. And that's that. Hee.
Ozzy has a meeting with the house staff, telling them that if they want to come into the house on a regular basis, they need a flu shot. "Bun up, and butts out!" says Ozzy, kicking off The Naked Butt Montage. People get shots. No one has a nice one.
Ozzy dodders down the stairs with a can of my favorite beer, Guinness, and then, with the help of a maid, climbs up on a chair to get a glass (not a pint glass, though). Ozzy explains that the beer is for Sharon, and that it has iron, so in English hospitals they serve it to the patients. "So, so good for you," he says as Sharon drinks it. "A Guinness a day keeps the doctor away." I love the fucking English health logic. It's right up there with "Rock candy for lunch…who needs dentists!" And also, man, only an alcoholic would prescribe beer for illness.
Ozzy makes a salad. A cat climbs in the sink. Ozzy makes chicken. Gus is on the counter, watching. "Now, fuck off, Guy…Gus, Jim, Bill, whatever your fucking name is," Ozzy says. Hee. C'mon, dude. He just had dog dick in his ass. Give him some chicken, yo. He warns the cat that he'll be dead if he touches the chicken. Then he yells, "Fuck off!" at a dog and dodders outside to put it on the barbecue (the chicken, not the dog). "You can fuck off," he tells another dog outside. He tells more dogs to fuck off inside, and the cat, and then the dogs again, for safe measure.
Sharon comes outside, and they eat outdoors, surrounded by the dogs. "It stinks like shit out here," says Ozzy. Poor guy, all his big outdoor plans are always ruined. Like the beach bonfire. And OzzFest.
Jack's room. Jack plays nuclear explosion on Lola, pulling her face in and then snapping all the face skin out. It's funny. Lola nips at Jack after the second time. Robert laughs. Jack & Robert Fuck Around Montage starts. They play with the dog, dance, play outside. Light fireworks. Listen to music. Play space alien. Watch dogs hump. Hug. They end the montage showing the family rocks in the garden, with their names on it, and then a brick with "Robert" written crudely on it. That's sweet of them.
Hospital. Sharon emerges with her staff, happily. She calls Aimee from the car, saying that Aimee has to wait until dinner to hear the news. She says it's exciting news.
Dinner at the house. Lots of people. Sharon explains that her blood work is cancer-free, and she finishes her treatment in January. Everyone cheers.
Office. Ozzy asks Sharon when she's done with the treatments, what is she going to change in her life. Sharon says nothing, that she likes her life. Ozzy presses on, and Sharon starts cleaning something on his face. She says she already changed her diet, and that's what it's about. Ozzy is pressing for something else -- to get her to stop working so fucking much. He says she can't work all the time, that she needs to find some time for herself. She shuts him up like she always does. He changes the subject, knowing it's a losing battle, and asks when they can have sex. "Nine months," she says. There are tons of people around as they have this conversation, as usual, and he says, "Fuck nine months." She says that it's true, that he'll get chemo in him if he has sex with her. Ozzy says he doesn't mind having a glowing cock. Hee. Ozzy says he'll dress Tony (Bitch Boy) up as a woman if he has to. Tony looks over, confused. Goddamn, that's funny. And that's it!
time…Sharon and Kelly discuss her birthday plans. She doesn't want a party, but they decide to go to Vegas. Kelly assures someone that she's not going to Vegas to party and drink. Cut to: Vegas. Kelly, with fired drummer Sarah, yells at her mom that it's her fucking birthday! Sharon tells her she's acting like a spoiled brat. "Yes, I'm spoiled," Kelly says, "but I'm not a brat." Ha. Sarah and Kelly fuck around. Sarah strips on some table in front of tons of people. Drunk Sarah falls off the table! Hee. Ozzy and a bunch of people having dinner look over. Kelly and Sarah drunkenly cackle. "I pissed myself," says Kelly. And on that note…