On an unrelated note: Did anyone catch the last Project Greenlight? Man, that's some funny shit. It's nearly the last day of filming and Ben Affleck finally graces the set with his presence, basically shutting everything the fuck down as he blows in, towing the very unhappy-to-be-there Jennifer Lopez. Everyone makes a huge point of voice-overing about how totally involved Ben has been the whole time and he's been watching dailies and shit…yeah, right. The only "daily" he's seen lately is the daily J. Lo tantrum about how "your fucking gay lover Matt needs to mind his own damn business!" and "Why did you make me do that crap movie, Big Face?" Shia, because he's seventeen and totally doesn't give a shit, calls Ben on it, saying, "Finally you show up? I see your name on the call sheet every day." Ben and Jennifer never stop holding hands the whole time to show how in love they are -- which really just translates into "needy" and "faking it for the camera." But the best is when Ben is making some stupid joke, drunk-babbling to someone, and he looks to her for approval for some joke he just made, and she rolls her eyes and gives the bitchiest look ever not to come from a disapproving big sister or someone from the cast of Clueless. Someone within Live Planet or Miramax must have it out for their pairing, or they never would have kept it in the final edit. Brilliant. Me and a friend were trying to figure the exact moment everyone in the world shifted from being "fascinated and interested in" to "disgusted and wanting to see them fail." It started with the P. Diddy gun stuff and Ben's rehab. But I think the moment was the video. The video where they "mocked" the public's fascination with them -- which is something that always invites ire anyway. But the particularly disingenuous thing about it was that in the video they mocked their own fame by doing supposedly "outrageous" things like argue and flirt and have Ben rub lotion on her ass on a yacht -- when in reality they actually do all those things! Ben actually does rub lotion on her ass on a yacht! You can't do something with irony that you actually do. That's some fucking Alanis type of "irony" right there. (And once you've entered into Alanis irony, you've entered a dark netherworld from which few have emerged.)
So, yeah. Ben and Jennifer open Gigli (if you can call it "opening") and Ben is immediately talking to the press to do damage control and the makers of Jersey Girl are already screeching about how different their movie is, and Jennifer is trying to mend her recently-steamrolled fences by firing CAA after only two months and rehiring Endeavor, claiming she made the move under ill advisement. And somewhere, right now…right now, Matt Damon is shaking his head. (And also right now, somewhere Harvey Weinstein is eating a ham sandwich and smoking a cigarette at the same time, but that's totally unrelated.) And amidst this all, these two poor kids in love can't understand why everyone hates them so much all of a sudden. It's called schadenfreude, Bennifer. And we're not afraid to use it.
Anyhoo. This is the penultimate episode. B-O-O H-O-O. Let's get started.
Sharon's room. For some reason there are all these little kids in Sharon's bed and running around the room. I like to think that she hired them for the afternoon. Ozzy tries to reason with one kid, explaining that he's going to slam his fingers in the door. The whole time Ozzy is wondering if he's actually seeing a kid or if he's just hallucinating again, and actually talking to Lola. But he's learned by now to give in to the visions. It's just easier that way. Ozzy then explains that pens are dangerous weapons that can be used to poke someone in the eye. Is he babysitting or teaching a self-defense class? Ozzy might say, "I can't do this," but I think it's the captioners being lazy. A kid gets a shirt thrown in his face, and he starts crying. Ozzy stands gape-mouthed. More crying. Ozzy mumbles that he has to get out of there. The babies continue crying, and some Rico Suave dude is in bed with Sharon, and Ozzy gives a take to the camera and waddles out of there. "Where the fuck do they get the energy from? Christ Almighty," says Ozzy. And credits. Theme.
The episode is called "Bye Bye Babies."
Ozzy leads Jack into one of his rooms where he has his old gigantic synth set up. It's been in storage for thirty years. Jack feigns interest. There is a Black Sabbath sticker on the back. Ozzy tells Jack to "smell it." Hee. And ew. Ozzy explains that he wrote a lot of songs on it and it sounds great when it gets going. He thinks it's going to take him a couple days to figure it out. The thing is fucking huge. Jack leaves before Ozzy asks him if he knows how long he's been waiting to take his son fishing.
Downstairs. Dogs. Sharon tells us/Ozzy/the maids that she told Jack that since he's going to England for three days tomorrow, would he spend some time with his mom tonight? And he responded -- does she not think he'd want to see his friends before he goes? Sharon sadly says that she thought he was going to say, "see her." That's pretty sad. Sharon is lonely. Doesn't she, like, have some friends to call, or a band to rape out of money for the privilege of playing Ozzfest? Ozzy meanwhile cuts himself a huge piece of carrot cake. He tries to lighten the situation by informing us how much he loves carrot cake and how he could quite easily devour the whole thing. Jack comes in and hugs Sharon. A hug before a night of Oxy at the Roxy.
House. Day. Jack's room. Sharon makes Ozzy hang out in Jack's room while he packs. Ozzy is bored. Sharon finds a box of condoms. She's such a fucking snoop. How is she such a snoop and she doesn't know her son's a major drug addict? Jack responds to the condoms, saying he doesn't use them, and that he secretly has about eleven kids on the way. Sharon rubs Ozzy's back and Jack asks them not to "get fruity" in his room. Ozzy says that Jack "gets fruity" in his house. They go back and forth with this. Jack busts out a tiny hand-held breathalyzer and tells Ozzy to breathe into it. He does so, excited for some reason. He blows a 0.1. Sharon tells Jack to leave it with her. Ozzy, saying exactly what's on his mind because he's too drunk not to, yells to get it out of his fucking house and that he'll be busted every day and hung up by the balls by Friday. Jack says it's for his friends.
Ozzy and Jack hug. Ozzy tells him not to do anything stupid. Jack tells Lola not to be sad. Robert comes in and they knock fists. "R.T.G.," they say. What? Outside, Robert says he forgot his sunglasses. Jack laughs that they're going to England -- you don't need sunglasses there. Bitch Boy busts into the scene, laughing and joking about English weather. Shut up, Bitch Boy! Who asked you? They suddenly see that Lola has climbed into the SUV with them. Hee. Jack tries to get her out. He tells her he loves her.
As sad music plays, Robert tells Jack that they're now not only players, but they're going to be "International Players." Kinda funny. Robert doesn't know now, but he's also about to be "Hella Homeless." The sad strings continue as Lola wanders inside the garage, bummed. Lola goes and lies on the couch, moping.
Kelly is going on tour. (Hey, isn't it great how we haven't seen much of Kelly lately? I bet MTV has done that on purpose. "Kelly, you're not testing well…") Sharon wants to come on tour. Kelly yells something about how Sharon doesn't always have to be the perfect woman, and that she's going to stay home. Kelly then busts out with her own breathalyzer. Ozzy says he's going to fail. Sharon says she's so excited. "You're drunk," Kelly says, reading the results. "I hope so," says Ozzy. Sharon asks what number it is. It's 0.5. Whoa! Man. Ozzy holds his hands out and says, "I'm being busted by my own kids." Wow. Suddenly it's not so funny anymore.
Outside, they say bye to Kelly. "Let the young one fly," says Ozzy, trying to get Sharon to come inside. Hundreds of people are going with Kelly, it seems. Ozzy and Sharon walk back inside, Sharon carrying Martin, the dog. "We've only got Martin left." Hee. Commercials.
Ozzy. In his SUV. Ozzy talks to Body By Jake about how for some reason he's totally gotten into carrot cake. Body By Jake says very seriously that of all the cakes, that's his favorite. They talk about the cream cheese icing. Ozzy says, "I'd fucking kill for it." Ozzy goes on about how some cakes stick to the roof of your mouth, but carrot cake has the right texture and it's "crunchy." It is? Really? Is it supposed to be? Body By Jake has to butt in that it's not "Pete-approved," and that Ozzy needs to save it for his day off. Yeah, that ain't going to happen.
Plane lands. Jack sleeps. Robert yawns. Buckinghamshire. "Best kept village," we're told. English countryside. English countryside. English countryside. Jack lies as they pass some house that the shed behind it is made from the boat the Mayflower. "I don't know," responds Robert. Huh? Jack says it's what he heard. Yeah, probably from Ozzy when he was high on peyote. They arrive at "Welders House." I guess that's what their house is called. Jack says hi to the dogs. "Fuck little dogs," he says in regard to the big dogs. He introduces Robert to Sugar, a boxer. Their oldest dog. Fucking crazy old. Robert just kind of laughs, stoned. There are all sorts of people there. Why does this gigantic house exist? Are they ever there? Seriously. These are some rich motherfuckers.
Back in L.A. Ozzy tries to teach Lola to fetch. Lola lies in the grass, facing away from the ball. Ozzy says that Lola needs to either breathe from her ass, or turn around to face the ball and get it like a normal dog. Nothing. Ozzy wanders away.
England. Jack shows Robert around the house. He says of his bedroom, "It's a time capsule." He shows a cubbyhole where he used to have his bed. "How cool is this?" asks Jack. Robert doesn't think it's very cool at all. Master bedroom. Jack says look how small his parents' bed is compared to the one in L.A. It's huge, by the way. Robert doesn't like the pattern on it. Another room. Robert doesn't like the color. A photo of their first bulldog. "Ugly," declares Robert. Dad's bathroom. "This is, like, fucked up," Robert says about the pull toilet. Jack falls down the stairs. Robert says the carpet is tacky. They're really making Robert look like a little prick. Maybe Sharon saw this footage, and that's why she kicks him out. Jack takes Robert into his dad's "room," which is filled with original gold records. The walls are just lined, man. It's crazy. Robert again says that everything is nice except the carpeting. "Isn't this cool?" says Jack.
Outside. Jack says, "Basically, as far as you can see, we own." Man, I can't say that about anything. Not even my bedroom. Jack says something about how it seems bigger when you're little. They pump in Robert saying, "I don't know about that" from before, which leads me to believe that this whole Robert Disapproves thing is just Boys With Avids creating it. Nice work, guys. Jack says he wishes Lola could see this place.
CUT TO: A static shot of Lola on the floor, her tongue lolling out. Someone steps over her. Hee.
Ozzy's room. He tries to play with his synth. He can't get it. He swears at it, hitting buttons. He decides he needs some carrot cake.
England. Jack calls all his English friends, telling them to come over tonight. "Keep the scene alive!" he says to someone. Jack then calls his mom. She asks if it's cold. Jack says it's going to snow. Jack asks her to play with Lola while he's gone. Sharon says Lola has a new position, where she lies in front of the garage getting sun. Jack lies that he'll call her before he goes to bed. "No riding the bikes drunk, and no guns," she says. Yeah, that's going to happen.
Immediately, tons of friends come over with beer. Jack shows them his guns. They ride ATVs all over the property, drunk. Someone crashes into a tree. Jack's ATV stalls out.
Later. The friends all sit on a huge couch watching TV. Sugar is one old-ass boxer. Man, the guys seem bored. Can't they rent some bad-toothed English hookers or something?
L.A. Lola barks at the gardener's leaf blower. I know how she feels. Then the dude waters the lawn, and Lola runs and jumps at the hose, trying to drink the water. Goddamn, that's a cute dog.
Inside. Sharon gets her toenails done. The nail lady says that all kids like to leave the house and go do their own thing. Sharon gets sad, saying she doesn't want them to, but they will. Ozzy sits having his hair colored. Sharon jokes that she wants to get Minnie pregnant so she can have babies to take care of. Ozzy says, "Hello, Sharon, remember me. I'm still here. I'm -- I'm -- I'm good for a laugh at least once a day." Everyone laughs. That's the one. Commercials.
Lola plays with a giant white ball. No, not Jack's. She chases it all over the yard until it goes into the pool. Lola climbs onto a rock and barks at it. The cute-meter is blowing up in a bad way.
Ozzy. Synth. He babbles about how he's forgotten to use it. Finally he gets some crazy noises out of it. "It's like another dimension," he says. Some dude is with him, watching. Who is that? Does Ozzy know he's there? More weird noises. "I'm like the Nutty Professor," he says, holding out his arms nuttily.
Sharon dials the phone. She calls Kelly. Meanwhile, Ozzy cuts a giant slice of carrot cake. He says he's skipping dinner and going straight to the carrot cake. The yippy dogs need to die. Sharon is saying that she misses Kelly and urging her to come home, and Ozzy is cutting his cake. "Perfect," says Ozzy. Sharon puts on that fucking voice of hers and Ozzy quickly leaves with his cake, saying that he's not giving the dogs any.
I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but Body By Jake has Ozzy on the ground in the garage, flat on his back. Ozzy is talking about how he likes to eat carrot cake, and Body By Jake is saying that he's maintaining his weight at 160 and that what he's doing is the entire weight-loss philosophy. I can't tell if he's scolding him or praising him. Just like my dad.
Sad music place. Lola lies on the floor, depressed. Sharon looks out the window. Ozzy gets cake. Lola. Cake. Ozzy eats cake. Sharon lies in bed, bummed. Lola lies on the ground, bummed. Ozzy carries cake upstairs. Lola. Ozzy eating. Sharon in bed.
Jack arrives home. "Miracle?" he says, of Lola. Lola sees him and starts doing that tongue-licking thing. I love that Lola is the first thing Jack wants to see. Oh, and Kelly's home too. Great.
Ozzy shows Jack the keyboard. Jack smiles and asks what the dials are for. "Fuck if I know," Ozzy says. Jack plays that famous tune. "Ironman," I think. (I think. Don't email!) Ozzy gets all excited and sings the tune. Jack says it's like a Kubrick film. Ozzy is very jumpy and weird.
Ozzy and Body By Jake sit on the couch watching TV. It's totally fake, but they make it look like they're watching a chef show about making cheesecake -- it's really just something else, but they superimposed this over it. Whatever. Even the maids and cooks stop to watch. Body By Jake is smiling. They both laugh. "That's amazing!" says Ozzy. They clap.
time -- on the last episode -- Jack asks Ozzy if he's ever been sleepwalking and gotten violent. "No," says Ozzy. Jack says it happened to him. We see spy-cam footage of Jack walking in his underwear in his room all crazy. Jack asks Kelly if Burt "engaged" her. Jack yells that Burt proposed to Kelly and then calls him a "scumbag." "Scumbag!" Robert repeats. Kelly says that it doesn't look like Burt is going anywhere anytime soon, so Jack might as well be nice. Sharon says something she's said often, but this time it's to her own daughter. She says that she honestly thinks she should get herself another manager. Ooh. Jack calls Ozzy. "Dad. I did something fucked-up." More footage of Jack sleepwalking. Sharon screams, hiding her face as Ozzy stands by helpless. And that's it! One more! See ya!