A couple days ago I was asked to be on a nationally syndicated radio talk show to chat about the phenomenon of The Osbournes and to dissect its popularity from a sociological point of view. I agreed, but then I went to the dude's website and discovered that he was a Rush Limbaugh-type "Family Values"-preaching never-forget-Waco kind of guy, and I was sure I was walking into a right-wing ambush; I was sure they were going to start talking about how the popularity of the show was a sure sign of the apocalypse. But here's how universally loved The Osbournes is: he just had me describe the show, what I thought the future of reality television was, and then finally dismissed me when I didn't know enough about Alf to satisfy him. In truth, he was a very nice guy, we had a good talk, and he didn't bring politics into it at all, but it struck me how utterly uncontroversial Ozzy's become. He better go shit on the Capitol steps or something real quick to get his street cred back.
Open. Daytime. House. A full-on chef dude is preparing a fancy meal in the kitchen as Sharon picks out clothes for Ozzy; Ozzy sits in his bathrobe having his hair done. They pull old audio of Ozzy shouting that he doesn't like the outfit. That's cheating. The chef finishes preparations as a houseboy lights candles at a table. Ozzy comes down the stairs "dressed up" (meaning he's in his best black clothes with his best sunglasses and gold chains). He sits at his carefully-lit table, the spread in front of him, and tells us that in life when you get old enough to figure things out, you die. He talks about how you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink; then we see Ozzy drinking water. Hee…sorta. Half a hee. "Dinner With Ozzy" is the title. Opening credits.
Poor Pat Boone. I read how he would have given his version of "Crazy Train" for them to use for free, but they never asked him. MTV claims they didn't think he'd give it to them, but I think MTV just hates Pat Boone. Or doesn't know who he is.
Ozzy tries unsuccessfully to spear an orange slice a few times, before finally getting it. Yeah! Ozzy tells us he's been called Ozzy Osbourne for as long as he can remember, but he was born John Michael Osbourne, in Astor, Birmingham. He goes on that he doesn't know what the normal American family is because it's not abnormal the way he lives…because he lives that way, he reasons.
Jack stokes a fire outside as, inside, the stray cat they have staying with them jumps from a box to a hanging mirror; everyone screams. Finally, the cat is on top of another antique mirror as Ozzy yells for everyone to stop screaming. Sharon, holding her Puss (hee -- the cat, dirty), has her hand over her mouth, half-scared, half-laughing. Jack implores Dad not to push the mirror, as it's precarious; Ozzy tells Jack to "calm fucking down, man." Ozzy then pushes the mirror and Sharon asks, "Oh Daddy, please." Ozzy screams that he can't get the cat down if he can't get his hand up there. Sharon says that they have a "tickling stick" (c'mon, Sharon, we don't need to know about your sex life), adding that the mirror is an antique. The poor maid is very scared as she watches. Ozzy climbs up on the table and tries to hit the cat with a duster. Sharon says this is a horrible idea as various people tell Ozzy to stop. Finally, Sharon just starts busting up. Kelly tells Ozzy that the cat is in "attack movement" and everyone screams and freaks out. Ozzy tells the Fam to shut up. Jack hands Ozzy a squeaky toy and tells him it will scare the cat. Ozzy squeaks it a few times and then asks why the fuck is he squeezing a fake newspaper at it. Sharon tells Ozzy the cat is going to fucking get him. Melinda says it's going to kill him as Kelly yells, "It's ruthless!" Jack tells Ozzy to "hit him with this," and Sharon tells him not to. Aimee and Sharon and others laugh and scream as Ozzy and Jack pull the mirror back and shake it. It doesn't fall. Ozzy shakes it again and everyone screams and Ozzy yells, "Stop screaming!" Finally, the cat comes down and runs around the room, and everyone, the maid and Aimee particularly, jump like it's rabid; Sharon laughs hysterically.
Ozzy tells us that his wife Sharon is the leader. He says everyone does what she says. He's the monkey on the piano; Sharon plays the tunes.
Sharon asks Ozzy to taste something. He says no, folding his arms. He doesn't want to taste it. She informs him that he does indeed want to. He asks if it's cyanide. She says it's a "new gum," handing him a Listerine strip. (I guess his breath stinks and this is her way to get him to fix it without telling him.) Ozzy puts it on his tongue all scared. He says it's a stamp and then says that there's nothing there. She asks if he likes it and he says, "It's fucking crap. It disappeared." Ozzy is all mystified by the magic of the Listerine strip. She says that it's supposed to freshen your mouth, and suddenly Ozzy starts screaming that she lied to him, saying it was gum. She wanted him to try it; he walks away, saying it's fucking horrible. "I don't like it," adds Sharon as he walks away. "Thanks a lot," he says.
At the table, Ozzy tells us he lives in Beverly Hills and that it's incredible, based on where he came from. He says his parents did the best they could, that they never went without food -- he stops as a waiter bring him another course; he takes a bite. Ozzy then tells us that his philosophy as a parent is to be "rigorously honest." If his kids ask where babies come from, he's not going to say that they came from a box in the garden. (Yeah, the famous Box In The Garden myth of procreation. Actually, the "box" part is sort of right.)
Cut to Jack's room. The folks in there are watching TV with Jack for some reason. Sharon snuggles up to Ozzy and they kiss as Jack gets all pissed and bratty. "Stop it!" he yells, warning that he'll kick them out. Ozzy asks what's the matter as the freaky little lapdog starts making out with Ozzy and Sharon. Ozzy mutters between nasty dog kisses that it's love between all creatures and people.
Ozzy now tells us that there were lots of secrets in his family growing up, that he'd say, "What happened to Uncle Bill?" and they'd say, "Who? We never had an Uncle Bill." He says that people would just disappear. Man, it sounds like he lived in the mob, not working-class England. Ozzy goes on that in his family now, if there's something that's got to be said, it's said.
Kitchen. Ozzy and Kelly peeling vegetables. Ozzy says he used to have to peel potatoes in jail. Melinda didn't know Ozzy was in jail; he was in for stealing. Ozzy says that he was thirty-two. Kelly then gleefully adds that he went to jail also for trying to kill Mom. Ozzy corrects that he was not arrested, but held in remand for trying to kill Mom. Melinda doesn't believe him. Oh, Melinda. You should know better than to doubt anything with these people. Oh, and hey, Dan Quayle. Did you know Ozzy tried to kill his wife before you pointed him out as a great Family Values person? Didn't think so, potatoe-head.
Ozzy camera-talks that his lifestyle has not hindered his ability to be a father because he's not like the delivery boy who wrote his songs in the back of the kitchen. Huh? He realizes he's making no sense, and just explains that he means he used to take the kids on tour with him. Ah.
Now Sharon reads that they've been invited on a two-week cruise, and Jack says he's going but Kelly won't go. She doesn't think you can shit on a boat, just like you can't shit on a airplane and a tour bus. (That's one thing I can't understand -- how we can go to the fucking moon, land on Mars, split the atom, but we can't figure out how to let poor rock bands go number two on their tour buses.) The Fam all yells that you can too shit on an airplane; Jack mocks that they're going to go two weeks on a boat without shitting. Jack then sees his Great Love Dill and asks if he wants to go on a sea cruise with him. (Ooh wee. Ooh wee, baby.) Sharon adds that only if he doesn't take a shit on the boat. Dill is confused, as usual.
Ozzy eats, telling us that with music, he always wanted to do something that made his parents proud of him. He says that he's "incredibly dyslexic." He says that he also has…um…um. Ozzy suddenly just stops. He finally says, "My attention span is very short, what do you call that?" Hee. He reaches for his Diet Coke In A Wine Glass. "Whatever," he adds. Man, you couldn't write that line in a sitcom and get away with it; it would be too cheesy and unbelievable, but somehow it works when Ozzy says it.
We get a montage of Ozzy going, "Who?" and "What?" and "When?" and "Who was that?" and finally, "Who? What? When?" Hee.
Finally, Ozzy remembers and says, "Major attention deficit disorder." Ozzy looks confused as we go to commercials.
Back. House. Night. Ozzy tells us that Jack is a very good boy…sometimes…compared to him. We see Jack in his full Army get-up. Ozzy goes on that at Jack's age, Ozzy was drinking massive amounts of alcohol, smoking pot, and doing speed…and he bit the heads off of several creatures. He says later you go, "Man, what was wrong with me, man?"
At the front porch, Jack is in his get-up; Kelly brats that fifteen-year-old boys should not be walking around with rifles and knives. Jack, very smartly, asks if Kelly has ever been a fifteen-year-old boy. Kelly tells him to shut up. They immediately talk about a time when Jack shot Kelly, and Jack wonders why she still gets so angry about something that happened six years ago. Kelly's poor friend walks away as fast as possible, getting out of Jack's gun range. Kelly says she's mad because he shot her. "Yeah, what's your point?" asks Jack. Jack says it was a pellet the size of a rock (uh, yeah, that's what a bullet is) and Kelly says that it went through her leg. Jack says that Kelly laughed when Jack got smacked in the face with a baseball bat. "Because it was funny," Kelly responds, quite logically.
Ozzy says that all kids fight, and later in life they'll stop, but they're so close "it's not even funny." Yes, it is.
Kelly asks Jack if he needs help. "With what?" asks Jack. "Removing the dick from your mouth," says Kelly. Hee. Sharon says that was very unnecessary; Kelly says it wasn't. Sharon is going to stay out of it. Good call.
Ozzy is served sorbet and can't figure it out for a minute. Then he eats, telling us that what he's proud of is that he's been able to give his kids a great education. Uh-oh…
Living room. BadNanny informs Ozzy that Jack isn't going to go to school today, that he was up late and she couldn't get him up. Ozzy stops drinking his coffee and heads upstairs and into Jack's room. "Up now, go to school. Right now!" "Okay!" brats Jack, then tells on Kelly, who is asleep too.
Ozzy is served food. He tells us that Sharon doesn't like to cook -- that she doesn't like the smell of cooking in the house.
Kelly sits with the seal dog and asks Sharon to cook for her -- to "be a mother." Sharon laughs, calls her a "cow," and says no, that she indeed hates the smell of cooking. One of the little lapdogs is wearing a satellite dish on its head. Those things are so sad, and with seven other dogs in the house to make fun of it, too. Man. Kelly says that pasta doesn't smell, but Sharon still won't cook. Ozzy offers to do it, but Kelly says that's okay, she'll do it; Mom just doesn't know how to cook. Then Kelly asks for a sandwich, and Sharon asks, "Bacon?" but Kelly says turkey. Sharon says she can do turkey, and Ozzy again offers to help. Then Kelly looks at Mom and says, "You're drunk!" Sharon asks Ozzy to "inform" Kelly, and Ozzy deadpans, "You're drunk."
Ozzy tells us that what attracted him first to his wife was her laugh. We get a montage of Sharon laughing.
Then, sitting on the stairs with Kelly, Sharon says that she wants big titties that start up high, and Kelly says that if Sharon gets a boob job she'll never talk to her again. Sharon says Melinda's start up high, and Kelly says, "That's because Melinda has the fucking hugest jugs in the whole entire world." Then they call Melinda in and ask their employee to show them her titties. Melinda says, "Fuck you," coming in warily. She then adds that it's not nice to say "Fuck you" to your boss; Sharon says, "That's fine," but she's so totally docking Melinda for that on her paycheck. Lord, the Bradys never asked to see Alice's titties. Or maybe they did. (Well, certainly Mike never wanted to see them, or any other titties for that matter.) Sharon lies that she just wants to see Melinda's t-shirt. They start arguing about where Melinda's tits start, and Kelly finally admits why. Melinda just makes a face.
Ozzy again. He tells us that Kelly doesn't take after Sharon and doesn't take after him either. "She's just Kelly." Kelly cuddles on Mom and says, "That's your stomach and you just farted." Sharon says she didn't fart, that it was lower. "What's here?" asks Sharon. "Your vagina," says Kelly. Sharon and Ozzy both groan and say that she said that word again. "You should have been called Vagina Osbourne," says Sharon. Kelly then licks her finger and wipes it under Sharon's nose. Sharon says, "Kelly, that has to be…right," and she sticks her hand down her pants and starts chasing her daughter with her finger out. That's the grossest thing I've ever seen. Ozzy just sits and watches, scratching his head. Jack, from somewhere, says, "You're fucking disgusting." Now Ozzy is amused and Kelly yells, "She stuck her finger in her vagina and she's going to wipe it on me!" Sharon then stops and says, "Didn't Mariah Carey just do that in Cribs?" Oh, man, that's some funny shit! Sharon then washes her hands and we fade to commercials. What a funny family. The great thing is that all of them are both amusing as people, in their un-self-conscious behavior, and funny ha-ha when they're trying to be.
Back. Ozzy. The shot is upside down now as he says that people think he lives in a Bavarian castle, hanging upside down with the rest of the bats. He says that he does chores like everyone else because he comes from a working-class background.
Whistling music plays as Ozzy grinds coffee, staring into space. Now he loads firewood onto a wheelbarrow…he runs into a trash can. Hee.
Kitchen. Kelly begs Sharon not to make microwave popcorn because she can't stand the smell of it. What? How could Ozzy say that freak didn't take after her mother? Now Ozzy puts the popcorn bag into the microwave and hits some buttons. He waits right in front of the microwave, his arms crossed, starring into the machine. He's leaning against it. "Nothing's fucking happening, Sharon," he says. He takes the bag out and stares at it. Sharon takes it and tells him to put it in for three and a half minutes. Ozzy tries again. He watches, waiting, getting pissed, looking around. Finally he says, "Fucking space-aged crap," and walks away. Hee.
Dinner room. A waiter puts down food and Ozzy asks, "What the hell's that?" The waiter lisps, "It's a blueberry tureen." Now Ozzy tells us that often he'll be talking and the Fam will just walk right past him, and he feels invisible.
We see him outside saying, "It was so funny, Sharon, when Martin --"and Sharon is closing the door, already inside (Pipi is jumping up and down on his hind legs -- so glad Pipi is home). Ozzy mutters that he'll just talk to himself then. Ozzy has a little jokey conversation with himself, asking how he's doing and saying he looks nice. Hee.
Ozzy then camera-talks -- the tureen left untouched in its nastiness -- that people hear his talking voice and wonder what the hell he's saying. He says that he's from a little place called Birmingham and that's a Birmingham accent. He goes on that when he gets excited, he tends to stammer.
Montage of stuttering. Hee. The best are the reaction shots of people watching him, wondering what the fuck he's saying.
Ozzy then says that if he could be anyone for a day, he'd want to be Paul McCartney or John Lennon…but, you know, alive. He says that they lit the torch, and when he heard them, he knew that's what he wanted to do. But then, of course, he became Ozzy Osbourne, and nothing like The Beatles.
A song goes, "I'd like to see the bad guys win sometime," as we see Stars on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. Snow White. Pat Boone. Ozzie and Harriet Nelson. Ozzy Osbourne! Ozzy comes out to a fucking mob of fans holding signs. He and Sharon laugh as that fake mayor dude of Hollywood says that Ozzy single-handedly revolutionized rock music; Ozzy seems to be loving the shit out of this legitimacy. Good for him. Marilyn Manson is there. Ozzy uncovers the star, smiling.
Ozzy now camera-talks that he's not proud of being dyslexic and he's not proud of having ADD -- he stops to ask the house boy to get him some Equal. He goes on to say he's not proud of being an alcoholic/drug addict, and he's not proud of biting the head off the bat…but he's a real guy with real feelings, and that kind of scares him sometimes. (Why does it scare him? Maybe that new $20 million check for the two seasons will comfort him a bit.) He goes on, "To be Ozzy Osbourne, it could be worse…I could be Sting." Ozzy smiles and stirs his tea. Goddamn, that's the best line in the whole season, right there.
Recap of best scenes. Ozzy dances with James Brown Doll. Ozzy yells for Sharon to stop vacuuming. Ozzy does his Moulin Rouge video, fake-fucks a dog, shows his ass, rides the sleigh, tells us they have too many dogs, plays with Lola and the fake bulldog. Martin stares at the camera; then Lola pukes again. Gross. Thanks a lot, MTV, you fuckers. I'd almost rather watch the Creed video then see Lola puke again. Pipi pees, and Ozzy yells. Ozzy snores. Lola wears glasses and a hat. Ozzy asks his kids not to do drugs or drink and to wear a condom if they have sex. "My teeth, my car, my vagina, my business," says Kelly. Jack mugs. Ozzy tries to take out the trash, use the TV, and work out. He says he hates Christmas. Backstage antics at the show with Kelly and midgets, then fake-snow-swallowing girl. Ozzy sniffs the dog's butt. Jack makes quiche. Ozzy tells us he shouldn't be drinking, and then drunk-walks Lola. Ozzy fake-swims in the empty pool. Minnie tries to kill Kelly. Ozzy drives a Lark electric scooter. Ozzy makes his "See you Tamara" joke, then talks about Dill and his head-scratching. Ozzy throws wood at the neighbors. Ozzy looks for the cat outside. "Sharon!!!" he yells. He bitches about the bubbles. Ozzy tells on Kelly's tattoo. He cuts ham and scares the cat. He tells Jack, "I love you all. I love you more than life itself. But you're all fucking mad." Ozzy asks what the fuck Kelly wants him to do, then pops the fizzy piss cork. Ozzy tries to bail from the family talk. Kelly and Jack fight. Puss and Pipi fight. Ozzy kisses Kelly, then gags at the lipstick. Jack bites Lola's cheek. Jack and Kelly kiss. Ozzy dances with Sharon. He tells her to fuck off. Ozzy sits in the chair backstage, and falls backwards.
Ozzy then camera-talks, "That's the way we are. We're the Osbournes. And I love it."
Ah, man. That's it. Well, thanks for reading, kids. It's been interesting having a good show for once. I hope it's not the last one I ever get, but with my luck Darren Star will decide to do a new show. Bye!