Okay, the sight of Ozzy tipping over in his chair a couple weeks ago was the best thing ever on television. I said it, it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. But goddamn it, if this week doesn't feature something better. This show is annoyingly good. Sort of like cigarettes.
Day. The house. Oh, no. Sharon is cooking again. This time it's toast, and the whole kitchen is filled with smoke, the fire alarm ringing. (Last time it was Kelly with the kettle -- man, who knew English teatime was so fucking dangerous?) Kelly tries to help, suggesting laying something over it. It takes Ozzy a few minutes to notice the loud piercing noise, but he scowls and asks what's going on. Kelly asks what it is, and Sharon pulls a black piece of something out of the toaster and drops it in the sink, responding that it's "dinner."
Opening credits.
By the way, I love that Sharon Osbourne is reportedly asking for a seven-figure sum to do the second season. There is no way MTV can say no -- she has them by the balls, which is probably the three hundred and fortieth set she's squozen in her business career. Good job, scary lady.
Maids carry food into the house to get ready for Thanksgiving dinner. The segment is called "Get Stuffed." Someone is wrapping Ozzy's ankle as he talks on the phone; it sounds like he's doing a phone interview. He explains (lies?) that he broke his leg above the shin bone by slipping in the shower. He says it's "so stupid."
Meanwhile, maids cook Thanksgiving dinner. Quiche. Asparagus.
Lola licks Ozzy's ankle as Ozzy says that it's very painful and that the doctors have told him to rest the leg. He goes on, cryptically, that he's human and he can only do what God has given him. Hmm? Quick shot of Lola eating. (Dog food, not Ozzy's leg.)
In quick motion, the maids make up the fancy-ass Thanksgiving table. Ozzy now camera-talks that he's on so much medication that he shouldn't be drinking alcohol, "period." We see Ozzy happily pouring a glass of wine. Uh-oh.
As Jack and a friend watch TV, Ozzy, suddenly smashed, stumbles in and asks Jack to take Lola on a walk. Now, Ozzy always stumbles and slurs his speech, so he must be fucked up for us to be able to tell. The sad thing is that at that moment, all over America, drunk dads were telling their TV-watching sons to walk the dog as well. Ozzy and crew: the assimilation is complete. Congratulations! (For some reason they tile out whatever Jack is watching on TV. Must be porn.) Jack, wearing a wife-beater, says that he'll do it, but Ozzy says he will take the dog on the walk. An unseen Kelly joins in with Jack, telling Ozzy he can't walk. Ozzy yells that he will take the dog on the walk, because if he doesn't, Jack will just keep "looking at the TV" and no one will. (Bullshit -- he just wants to do some drunk cruisin'. I feel you, Ozzy.) "I'll take the dog for the fucking walk," says Ozzy, and he starts looking around for the leash. Jack tells him that he's looking like an idiot and Kelly, probably referring to something we didn't see, tells Ozzy that whatever he said or did was rude; Ozzy, drunkenly putting the leash on the terrified Lola, mumbles that he's just Ozzy and he's just crazy. Hee. Ozzy pulls Lola outside; two of the other dogs, including Pip, watch, wondering why the hell they never get to go on drunken walks with Ozzy. Life is so unfair.
Sharon, from the living room, tells Jack to stop Ozzy from walking the dog. She says that he's "stoned" and then stops and listens. "Is he singing?" she asks. Hee.
Cut to Ozzy, drunk off his ass, walking Lola down a beautiful Beverly Hills street on Thanksgiving, being followed by a camera-crew, singing. "Ah, fuck off," he tells Lola. (See, this might be funnier than the chair fall. I think perhaps the chair fall wins because of the broader physical comic work Ozzy displays in that clip, but this is pretty damn close.) In a wide shot we see Jack catching up to Ozzy, who falls back two steps. Okay, now this is the funniest: Jack grabs the leash, Ozzy pulls back, and they have a half-drunken tug o' war over the dog's leash. Man. (This can't be staged, can it? No. I refuse to believe it. It wouldn't have come out so funny.) Anyway, Jack obviously wins because we see Ozzy climbing stairs, mumbling that he's all revved up today. He turns to the cameraman, his new best friend, and says, "Don't you think I'm all revved up today?" (Revved up like a deuce?) "Thanksgiving [beep], I hate it." (How can you hate Thanksgiving? It's just about turkey and stuffing and shit. So, you're English. Acclimate a little. Oh, maybe he's still mad because it was so soon after we got away from Europe? I see. That one still hurts.)
We get a great shot of the beautifully set-up table, untouched, while Sharon yells at Ozzy that it's Thanksgiving and she doesn't want to fight. "Thanksgiving means fuck-all to me!" he says. And scene.
Morning. Lola sleeps. Jack sleeps. Ozzy, looking like hell (but then again…), carries one of the dogs -- Minnie, I think. (Hey, has anyone seen Lulu, the little seal dog, lately? I think she got in Lola's belly.) He puts the dog outside, setting off the alarm. "Fucking thing, man," he says. Kelly is at the sink. Ozzy asks Kelly if she's pissed off at him. "A little," says Kelly. "Okay," responds Ozzy. Hee. Jack, still wearing his wife-beater, comes into the kitchen. Ozzy asks if Jack is all right, and if he's pissed off at him as well. Jack just mumbles. Ozzy dodders over. "What's that, Jack?" he asks. Jack says it's nothing.
Ozzy now sits at the TV as "Deck The Halls" plays from the speakers. Ozzy swears a bunch at the remote.
A doctor looks at Ozzy's taped ankle, asking, "Any pain here? Any pain when I squeeze here?" Ozzy pretends that he's fine. The doctor isn't fooled and tells him that if he comes out of the boot too soon, the bone is going to break apart and he's going to be fucked up for longer. Ozzy does an accidental Jack Benny take with his hand to his face.
Sound studio. "Delfino Sound Stage," in the valley somewhere, judging by the 818 number. Rob Zombie is directing the video, looking through the viewer-thingy. Ozzy gets out of the car on the lot and is helped into his big-ass trailer. Ozzy spits his gum out the trailer door. Five bucks says he steps in that later. Ozzy gets too-thick make-up put on. He tries on a gaudy bedazzled shirt that reads "Good" on one arm and "Evil" on the other; the "Evil" is in bones. A costume lady holds up a shirt with bat wings proudly. Ozzy sits in a chair, bitching to Sharon that he just wants to keep the video simple, that he doesn't want fucks and fucks and bullshit and bats and fucking shirt. Sharon says that she loves the shirt and she thinks it's going to "read clean." Ozzy says simply that he doesn't want to wear it. Sharon tries to take advantage of Ozzy's easy mental confusion by trying out some Jedi Word Voodoo on him. Check out the logic of this shit: "If you try it on, because the coat is gorgeous, we could just take it off." Hee. He says he doesn't like the coat. She asks him to try it on. "No," he says. "Will you try it on?" she asks again. Hee. Sharon sits to him as Ozzy says that he's sick to death of bats. "It's all my fucking career is about, is fucking bats." Sharon strokes his head, and the costume lady sadly holds up the bat coat she spent eighty hours on, as we fade to commercials.
Set. Lot. Sharon comes out of the trailer with the dogs following, singing. She then asks two of the crew guys if they had good Thanksgivings. "Absolutely wonderful!" lisps some guy, imagining that Sharon cares. She's just baiting them because (as we see a shot of the untouched Thanksgiving table) when they say yes, she pouts, "Fuck you!" Then Rob Zombie asks Sharon if she wants to watch playback. (Man, don't ever ask Sharon if she wants to watch playback.)
Now Ozzy sits by the monitor, bitching to someone (Zakk?) about the stupid bat coat. He says he was going to use it to jump out the window. Quick shot of the video. Ozzy tells Sharon that he looks like he's in agony in the shot. She says that they're going to put him on the floor (to rest his leg, I guess). Ozzy jokes, "Facedown?" Now Ozzy bitches about the bedazzled skull on his chest, and Sharon finally gives up and says she'll give him a plain black long-sleeved shirt, which is what he's been asking for from the start. She then asks the poor costume girl if they even have one.
House. Night. Sharon loads the dishwasher and then warns Ozzy that she's putting the dog water bowl under the counter where Ozzy likes to draw his scary clown drawing. He wants it over by the door, but it doesn't go over there, she explains. He bitches on that what if someone wants to sit down and have a sandwich, they're going to put their foot in the bowl. "Only you," responds Sharon. "No, darling. It's not just only me. It's only me that cleans the fucking thing up." Hee. Puss drinks out of the bowl.
New scene. Kelly in her room, talking with a friend. She bitches that what really bothers her is that magazines always say what Jack is doing, that he's working at Epic and shit, but they report that Kelly is doing nothing, and it makes her feel like "such a fucking loser kid." Oh, poor Kelly. Seriously. Sure, she's a brat, but it's always hard being a sibling. The friend keeps trying to talk, but Kelly just cuts her off. Kelly says that it makes her feel like she has nothing to show for her "achievements." Um, what achievements? Getting a fake I.D.? She lays out her Trump Card of Bitching, which is that it was really she and her friends who "discovered" the band that Jack got a development deal for. ("Discovered" like the way Columbus discovered America?) Kelly is momentarily distracted by some sounds, but then she winds down her bitching that she doesn't get any credit. The friend then asks if she should say hello to Jack. Kelly leans her face against the bedpost and says that she doesn't care, that she's friends with him too. (Kelly totally wants a reason to go say hi to her brother, who usually just snubs her.)
Jack's room. Some dude is there. Jack is just wearing a towel as the girls stand at the doorway. No one says anything until Kelly walks away muttering, "He's such a cocksucker." The friend laughs as Jack waddles to the door saying, "Oh, I'm such a cocksucker?" He says that they can get out of his room then. Kelly yells back that she's not in his room. Jack closes the door on us.
Living room. Ozzy is working intently on his scary clown drawing. He doesn't see Kelly come into the room and do a Perfect 10 Pout-Flop onto the couch. Ozzy doesn't notice her, so she rustles. Still nothing. She finally moans, "Dad, I hate Jack." Ozzy snaps up, startled. "What'd you say?" He mumbles on. Kelly repeats what she said and Ozzy responds, "Oh, don't be stupid." Kelly takes that as "interest" and goes off that Jack is such a "cocksucker." Ozzy offers great advice that Kelly should just take no notice of Jack. He keeps muttering, and Kelly tries to say why she's angry. "Will you listen to me please?" she finally asks. "Okay, I'll listen," says Ozzy, going right back to his scary three-fingered clown. She starts bitching about how Jack wants to be "Mr. Music Man," and Ozzy says that he can't hear what she's saying, but starts repeating what she said to prove that he was listening. (He's so not even listening.) Kelly repeats that Jack wants to do what Sharon does in the business, and Ozzy says he's with her. She goes on to bitch about the band that she actually found, and how she got no credit for it. We get a shot of Ozzy's very colorful drawing, nearly done. Nearly done! The masterpiece! Finally! Ozzy asks what she wants him to do. "You can't work it out, ignore him." Ozzy goes on, bothered: "What can you do, then? What do you want me to do, then?" She wants you to listen, then. The friend comes and hugs Kelly, trying to get in the shot as Ozzy totally ignores the friend and says that he's not being sarcastic, but she should try to get her own thing going then. Kelly lies that she doesn't want her own thing going then, but that she'd really just appreciate some fucking credit then. She gets up and leaves, responding to something Ozzy says by yelling that "no it's not, Dad." Ozzy then yells back, "Well then, Kelly, what the fuck do you want me to do, Kelly? Do you want me to go and say something to him? What do you want me to do, Kelly?" Kelly bitches that Ozzy is sitting there saying that she's not doing anything, then. (Oops. She took offense to that.) Ozzy just keeps drawing, unbothered, and declares, "Wobbler." Hee. (The great thing about this show, obviously, the genius behind it is that it exposes just how fucking similar everyone in the world is, all families are. By taking this extraordinary family and displaying the mundane nature of their lives and the familiarity of their squabbles, they hold up a funky mirror and reveal things about family and fame.) Poor Kelly -- she just wants Daddy to listen, but Daddy just wants a tangible problem he can fix, or to be left alone. He hasn't learned that most of the time people -- okay, I'll say it, women -- just want to be listened to and empathized with. What's a working-class bloke to do?
Now Jack is talking to Ozzy. He bitches that Kelly just started making shit up, like that she found "Delusion" (the band). Puss eats as Sharon leans in and says that she can't sort it out, so Jack and Kelly should just leave each other alone. Meanwhile, in the background, Ozzy goes to sit at his favorite counter, and steps in the water dish! Sharon laughs, leaving the room, as Ozzy bitches about the "fucking dogs" and picks up the water dish and puts it outside. Jack stands by as Ozzy begins cleaning up the water. Puss runs around. Jack helps. Ozzy bitches that he spends "hundreds of thousands of dollars on this place, [he] can't even get a fucking mop." Hee. Then on a different day, obviously, someone (the cat?) knocks over a plant, and Ozzy and Son Ozzy Hates clean it up. "Dad, this way," says SOH as Ozzy carries the plant the other direction. Later, Ozzy climbs the stairs, bitching, "I'm sick to death of living in a fucking dump."
Ozzy sits in the bathroom on the floor by the toilet, reading a rock magazine. He voice-overs that everyone needs a break, and to have your family around you every minute of every day -- sometimes you need some quiet time for yourself.
Now Ozzy watches The History Channel and pets Lola; Sharon stands in the hall telling the kids (and the maid!?) that Ozzy doesn't want the Fam to go back out on tour with him; he'll go alone. "Should we stay and then go to England on Saturday?" asks Sharon. Jack says that they'll miss Ozzy's birthday. Now Ozzy is eating some eggs at his "art table," and Jack goes up to him and asks if he really doesn't want them to meet up for his birthday. Ozzy doesn't even look up, saying no, he'll be on the road and he wants to be on his own. Jack stands there for a minute, but Ozzy doesn't say anything else so Jack pouts off.
Day. The driver carries out Ozzy's bag as Ozzy, dressed in a leather jacket, says goodbye to Melinda, who hasn't bothered to dress (trying to tempt Ozzy with her bathrobe?), and to the dogs. Sharon hugs some random guy (the assistant?). They're gone.
Now Sharon and Kelly sit on the stairs and Sharon talks about how this morning Ozzy was so nice and loving, and she felt so bad that he had to (that she made him) go back out on tour and she wanted him to stay.
Fargo. Minnesota. Snow. "I'm Hitting The Road" plays.
Back at the house, Kelly says that she's insulted that Ozzy didn't want them to come. Someone burps. Jack bakes cookies or something. Kelly continues that Ozzy does this "for attention" every tour and that three days later he calls and says he misses them and they should come out there. Then Ozzy calls, and Kelly has to identify herself. She asks Ozzy if it's cold and while we watch him get off a bus and ride around backstage in a Lark Electric Scooter, he says that it's colder than a witch's fucking tit. He says it's "beyond cold."
Now Ozzy walks to the stage, grimacing and looking miserable. He crosses himself. Now he's onstage kicking ass, telling the crowd that the crazier them motherfuckers are, the crazier he is. (He genuinely loves performing and gives it his all every time. You gotta love and respect him for that.) He moons the crowd, jumping around on his bum leg. He throws a bucket of water on the crowd. He yells that they told him to stay in bed and rest but he told them to fuck off, that he needed a rock show tonight, man! He jumps and sings and kicks ass. Then he bends over, holding his ankle. Oops. Commercials.
Peninsula Hotel, Chicago. Kelly, Jack, and Sharon check into the hotel. Sharon looks around for the chocolate, but they can only find one bar. (What a dump!) Now Jack stands oddly facing the wall in back while Kelly, sitting on the bed with Sharon, explains that Ozzy didn't want them to come but they're surprising him anyway for his birthday. "He's going to go mental," she says. Sharon then asks Jack what he's doing. "Hanging out in the background," he says, obviously repeating the crew's directions for the camera-talk segment. Hee. Sharon tells him to shut up and sit down.
The Fam emerges from the hotel as Sharon continues to tell us that Ozzy isn't speaking to her right now, so she doesn't want him to see her until she's buffeted by lots of people around. Jack asks why he's mad, and Sharon says it's because she spent too much money on the house. What, did he just get the bill?
The Fam crosses the street to go have a "low-key dinner" alone. Sharon bitches to Kelly that she dropped her mink stole down the toilet. Jack says she shouldn't even wear mink. Now in the elevator she says that it smells like an old crotch. Jack won't smell it; Kelly says it's disgusting, but then leans in enthusiastically to smell the old crotch stole.
Hotel room. Sharon tries to brush the taste of garlic out of her mouth. Sharon tries to blow her breath at Kelly; Kelly says she'll throw up if her mom does.
Now back on the bed, Sharon wonders how terrible it would be if they show up and Ozzy still doesn't want them there. Kelly bitches that she doesn't know why they showed up anyway if they're not wanted, and they respond that it's because they love him. Kelly then says that he's a "bastard" if he doesn't want them there, and both Sharon and Jack yell at her. Hee.
Shot of the show. Ozzy finishes, taking a bow with the band. This might be from a different concert, but afterwards, Ozzy sits backstage with two big "Da Bears"-type radio douchebags doing an interview. One of them holds a pad that reads, "How Ya Feelin How's Ya Leg Doin?" He then asks Ozzy that. Ozzy says he can't sit around the house, he has to get back out there. "Ya gotta rock and roll. You bet," says that DJ. Lord. (Ozzy is drinking wine. Bad, Ozzy.)
Quick shot of fans screaming into the camera.
Now the guy reads the question, asking what Ozzy would do if he got snowed into "Grand Forks" (see) for three more days. Ozzy says that everyone bitches about the cold, but he'd rather be there than in Afghanistan. There, they should put that on the Grand Forks Chamber of Commerce welcome sign. "Grand Forks: Better Than Afghanistan."
Shots of Chicago at night. I think they throw in a quick shot of the Real World house just for fun. Michigan Ave. Ozzy gets off the bus for the hotel. He goes the wrong way for a second.
In the hotel room, Kelly yells at Jack to hurry, and he yells back that he's writing a card for Ozzy. Kelly bitches that Jack has been on the phone talking about "fucking" something (I can't follow) for the last twenty minutes. Jack throws something at her and she says, "Ow." Jack gets all pissed as they say that they have to beat Dad down to the restaurant. Sharon says that the restaurant will give them tinfoil if they hurry, but then a helpful hotel guy arrives with some. Jack wraps his present in tinfoil, which is brilliant. I never fucking thought of that. That's it: from now on, I'll never use bullshit wrapping paper again! (Jack doesn't even tip the hotel guy. Cheap bastard.) Kelly smiles at the camera.
Ozzy leaves the hotel room, bitching about how tired he is. Meanwhile, the family gets in a car to go to the restaurant. Ozzy is now walking through the lobby as someone tells him who Ozzy shares a birthday with: Andy Williams. Ozzy is not impressed.
In the restaurant, the Fam is seated with tons of people, hiding. Kelly jokes that Dad is going to yell, "What the fuck are you doing here!?" Everyone laughs. Ozzy dodders in, and Sharon stands up. Everyone claps as they hug. "We've been hiding from you all day," she says. Ozzy asks, "Where are the babies?" He sees the kids and smiles. Aw. That's sweet. They hug as people take photos. Now seated, Sharon says they've been hiding in the room just two floors below him. "You bastards," says Ozzy. Now he opens a present, which is a "Prince of Darkness Pooper Scooper"; it's all bedazzled with jewels and crosses and shit. "This is the new sign!" he says, holding it up. Ozzy says he wasn't going to come tonight.
Montage of dinner. Kelly holds a puppy. (Who got a puppy? Is that for Ozzy? Awesome. Why didn't they show it? Everyone loves puppies.) People take photos. Jack makes a face. Now Jack's present. He jokes that it's a Bible. The card, which says, "To me old man," makes Ozzy smile. He kisses Sharon. Suddenly, Ozzy is walking away and everyone tells him to come back. Someone brings out a cake with candles, and everyone sings and claps. Ozzy smiles and blows out the candles. And that's it!
week. Some hairy, scruffy dude is at the house. Jack explains that his friend Jason Something broke up with his girlfriend, then was staying at a house and got kicked out, and now is staying there with him. Jason burps. Burps. Burps. Ozzy camera-talks that he doesn't know where Jason came from or how Jack met him. Jack explains that he's a professional skater. The dude does tricks with a wheel-less deck. "I'm a fucking pro skateboarder, Sharon. Don't talk down to me," Jason says, fucking with some bread in the kitchen. Ooh, man. They're going to find your body floating near the Santa Monica pier soon, dude. Ozzy imitates how he walks around scratching his head all the time. (We see this.) Ozzy bitches that the couch was moving and someone said, "It's Jason," and he said, "Jason who? Who the fuck is Jason?" Jason grabs Kelly's neck and she yells. Then in Jack's room, Sharon finds a half-empty Jack Daniels bottle and she says she's going to take a piss in it. Kelly bitches, "Don't you dare, Mom!" as Sharon disappears into the bathroom. Hee.