It's so nice to finally be recapping a show that people actually talk about. Sure, for a while there people would discuss Mandy's endless ho-ishness on Temptation Island, but I swear I couldn't get a "hell yeah, I watched The $treet last night!" even if I was hanging out at the Darren Star production offices. So this is nice. Sure, the show takes even longer to recap with the constant rewinding and calling people into the room to ask what the fucking hell Ozzy is mumbling about, but it's all worth it when I visit the sick kids and they tell me how much my recaps mean to them. Yup, I do it all for the sick kids.
The house. Ozzy. Someone asks him if as a kid he thought he'd be a rock star. He says that he wanted to be a plumber. The unseen interviewer laughs.
Credits! I love this, what I'm under the impression is Pat Boone's version of Crazy Train. It's very catchy. Even the stills they pick of the four of them are very funny.
"For The Record" is this sequence. Ozzy, sitting on the couch in a black tee and underwear, yawns, "My record's out tonight, Kel." Kelly yawns back that she knows, as if Ozzy is any normal parent and they just revealed that they have a report due at work tomorrow. Ozzy then stands up and hikes his underwear up and dances, making Kelly laugh. Their relationship is cute. But then the fun is over as Ozzy turns and screams down the hall for Sharon to hurry up picking out clothes for him. "Please, Sharon! What the fuck are you doing? I'm standing here like a stripper with no clothes on!" Sharon brings out clothes, and Ozzy immediately starts complaining that he doesn't like them. "It's very flamboyant." She tells him to shut up. He yells again, "But I don't like it, okay!" He tries it on anyway. Kelly helpfully says that the jacket is very "Ricky Martin." Ozzy again calls it flamboyant and takes the jacket off. He call the clothes "crap" (or says it's a "crapshoot") and then steals Kelly's line and asks the camera if he looks like Ricky Martin on his day off. I get the feeling Ozzy doesn't even know who Ricky Martin is. (Ooh, Ozzy should do a cover of "La Vida Loca"! That would rule.) He screams again that he's not going to wear these clothes and asks the cameraman if he looks effeminate. "No. 'Rock star,'" corrects Sharon. It's so funny how Ozzy, totally outnumbered in the house, has begun to appeal to the cameraman in arguments, trying to get him on his side. When Sharon answers, Ozzy then tells the cameraman how it's amazing that he (the cameraman, that is) can throw his voice and make it sound like Sharon is answering. Hee. Sharon puts her face in her hands. (Which sounds pretty terrifying when you think about it, but her face is still attached to her head, so it's okay.) Sharon then tells him he has one more outfit to try on. He flips her off as she walks away, quickly, as if worried that she'll see him. Hee.
Man, the change in Ozzy over the years. He once tried reportedly to kill Sharon, and now he's doddering around afraid that she'll see him give her the finger. Wonderful.
Now Jack, Sharon, and Kelly sit on the front stoop waiting to be picked up. Sharon says, "Doesn't he look handsome." "Shut the fuck up!" says Ozzy. Kelly says that's very nice as Sharon repeats that he looks "gorgeous."
The limo arrives. They get in. Ozzy immediately starts grousing that he hates "these stretch bastards." Man alive. Ozzy is like a five-year-old. (I don't understand how they survived having Sharon be both wife and manager. Usually the wife is the one you come home to and bitch about the stupid shit your manager is making you do, and then you go complain to your manager about your wife. Poor Ozzy.) Ozzy says limos are "pimp-mobiles." As the publicist desperately tries to shove Sharon (and Minnie) into the limo and close the door so Ozzy doesn't bite his head off (no pun intended), Ozzy keeps saying that he feels like a "dickhead" riding in a limo. He asks again why Sharon got this thing, repeats "pimpmobile," and says, "I hate the fucking things, I do." Sharon puts on her admonishing face, which is just that, a "face." She says that Ozzy can't show up to an in-store in a taxi, and Ozzy retorts that he hates limos. "I know," says Sharon. "Well, we didn't buy it." Ozzy keeps yelling, and Sharon tries to deflect him by waving something shiny in front Ozzy's face like he's a crying baby, which he is. "Look at the ceiling, it's like Kelly's bedroom," she says. "Oh wonderful," replies Ozzy.
The in-store. Tower Records on Sunset, right down the street from me. (The sign advertises Ozzy, John Mellencamp, the Grateful Dead box set, and the Riding In Cars With Boys soundtrack, to give you a timeframe for this.) I don't know where they live that they leave during daylight and arrive at night, because Tower is, like, minutes from all of Beverly Hills. They must have gone somewhere else first.
Kelly waits behind something in the parking lot of Tower where tons of kids are lined up. Tower is crazy, because they push back all the shelves inside and put up a stage for every in-store, and kids line the streets. Kelly giggles as kids yell to her. Suddenly, she goes super-girlie and giggly at the yelling boys. She camera-talks that she gets really shy when people know her name and she doesn't know how they know. Kelly is outside, being pulled in by bodyguards. Inside the store, she's with her friends. She whines that she hates being touched by the people outside.
Ozzy pulling up. He swears and says how many people there are. "If they don't like the album I'm going to get killed." "Go for it, my darling," Sharon says, pushing him out of the limo. Ozzy walks into the store. Kelly watches. Ozzy smiles, walking past everyone. People yell and give the devil horns with their hands.
Inside, a Tower dude tells Ozzy where to go, and now we get a montage of Ozzy doing photos and signing shit. Ozzy comports himself very well, obviously saving everything for the fans and giving the family the Low-Wattage Ozzy at home, big-time. So the montage…Ozzy holding a baby. Ozzy hugging crying truckers. With a dude in a wheelchair. With a chick with a ferret. With a small guy in a Black Crowes t-shirt. What kind of dickhead shows up at an Ozzy in-store wearing a Black Crowes shirt? Ozzy with a lady. With a witch. With a guy. With a huge-boobied lady who asks for an autograph. Ozzy immediately looks to her tits. "Sure." Kelly watching, laughing. Ozzy with a kid. Ozzy with a midget who says that they should jam together sometime. Ozzy ignores him. Ozzy signs a male nipple. Okay, I would draw the line right there. Ozzy with a guy. With a bunch of cops. Ozzy on a throne with a chick in his lap. "It's good to be the king!" he says, suddenly seeming twenty years younger.
Finally he gets back into the limo. "This is the prom of darkness," Sharon says. Ozzy likes that. I'm confused. Ozzy looks very happy and satisfied, but tired. Sharon starts chirping about Minnie being the queen, and immediately Ozzy goes right back to "I fucking hate these limos." The last thing we hear is, "Don't come to New York, just stay here, Sharon."
Now the KROQ studios. The most influential corporate radio station in America, and the studio is a fucking closet. Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew greet Ozzy and Sharon, who are there to do Loveline. Ozzy sits down and asks if they're going to talk about sexual intercourse. He says that's why he brought "the wife" -- to tell him what it's like.
Back home, hilariously, Jack fiddles with the radio to discover that he can't get KROQ in the house. Fucking million-dollar house with satellite dishes up the ass, everything is so complicated and high-tech, and they can't get simple FM radio. Brilliant. Jack, wearing his strange Army vest outfit, and his little blonde friend go outside to listen in the car. Hee. Jack puts on a blonde wig.
The show. Adam introduces Sharon as his wife and manager "and sometimes interpreter." That's funny. Now Ozzy talks about how anti-depressants fuck up your sex life, so he has Viagra now. He says he's all drugged up and shooting blanks. Jack, listening in the car, shuts his ears and says, "La la la la la." Now Mommy tells a delightful story of how Ozzy would take Viagra and they'd wait for it to work, and then Sharon would fall asleep and Ozzy would have a big ol' boner and then couldn't wake her. He would try to wake her and she'd go, "Get lost!" Ozzy says he'd then just be lying there camping with a tent pole. Hee.
Meanwhile, in the car, Jack is still shutting his ears.
Ozzy and Sharon are dismissed from Loveline. (Y'all, give the Doctor and Adam a nicer studio. Please. Fucking shithole.)
Ozzy alone on a private plane. "Watch how crazy the four days are going to be." Ozzy getting off a golf cart on a tarmac. He yells, "Rock and roll!" as the totally bewildered airport worker driving the cart stares in confusion. Ozzy sleeps on a private plane, stretched out. Man, that flight to New York probably cost more than my rent for six months. Ozzy gets off the plane in the morning, looking very tired. Now he checks into a hotel in New York, looking about to drop.
Back at the house. Kelly plays with her friend, Robert. She says he's her best friend. She loves the shit out of him, you can tell, regardless of what she might say. She giggles that we think he's her boyfriend. She tells us, "You're so dirty." Yes, Kelly, we are. And you want him. Yoooooou waaaaaant hiiiiiiiiiim.
Now Robert pulls Sharon aside and asks what he should get Kelly for her birthday. Sharon can't think what Kelly is into right now, and they both agree that it's hard to pick gifts for her. Now two party planners are discussing Kelly's seventeenth birthday party with Sharon. They agree on using Ouija boards as centerpieces.
Now Kelly is at the vet and Melinda, the skanky nanny, tells Kelly that she has to go get "Jiggity," which I take to be a nickname for Jack. Melinda says that Jack is definitely going to camp. Kelly seems to take delight in that. Now Kelly is holding the pissed-off Puss as the vet takes her temperature (the cat's not Kelly's). Kelly commiserates, saying that Puss was violated. "He shoved something up your bum." And on that note, commercials.
Back. This segment is "Not So Happy Camper." Bugle music plays as Melinda wakes Jack up. "It's 6:15," she tells him. Jack cracks his neck. They get into an SUV, Melinda driving and Sharon sitting in back. Sharon asks Jack how they're getting to the campground. He sarcastically replies that they're walking. Finally he tells her they're taking the bus. He says "a man with no legs" is driving the bus. Sharon tells him that he's going to get his "fucking ass kicked" by her.
At school. Parking lot. Jack tries to get Sharon to go away, but she says all the other parents are there. The kids stare at Jack like he's a freak ("like"?) as Sharon hugs him. Swearing a lot, she tells him to cheer up. He assures her that he can't phone her while camping.
Back in the SUV. Sharon asks Melinda why Jack is so depressed. She wonders if he needs medication. Melinda says that he just needs to go to bed, that he's had one early night in two years. Some kind of fucking nanny, she is. The school bus drives by, and Jack flips us off. Thanks, Jack. They tile out the name of the private school on the side, but I think it's "Four Winds" in Santa Monica. That's my guess.
Now, ignoring Ozzy's request, Sharon and Kelly board a private plane (with a few of the dogs.) They're going to arrive in New York at 2 AM.
And there they are, arriving in New York at 2 AM.
Morning. Out of the hotel, and then later onto a helicopter. Over the city. Ozzy gets off the chopper and again does what must be his Tarmac Call, "Rock and roll!" Ozzy walks into "30 Rock," talking on the cell phone to someone, and then goes in to do Conan. He sits in an office doing shtick with Conan. Conan asks him how he gets through metal detectors with all the crucifixes around his neck. Ozzy replies something about how he needs all of them. Then Ozzy and Conan trade action figures. Ozzy tells Conan that the action figure urinates at the Alamo when they get there. (Ozzy did that and was banned from playing Texas, or at least San Antonio.) Conan says his doll urinates, but it's not supposed to. Ozzy barely laughs. He likes Leno waaaaay better.
Ozzy leaves and gets into a van. There's Sharon. Ozzy is tired. Now Ozzy sits somewhere trying to read radio promos and bumpers for different stations. A station guy sits to him, mouthing along, as Ozzy fumbles and fucks up everything. Hee. The dude gets more and more upset as Ozzy stutters, swearing. He looks just like the new daytime host for the syndicated version of The Weakest Link, who in turn looks just like Steve Kmetko in Sally Jessy glasses.
Now TRL. Carson announces that both Ozzy and P. Diddy are on the show today. Now there's a combo. Ozzy gets out of the photo booth, but then they throw him back in with P. Diddy, saying, "Yeah, them together, that's even cooler!" Hee. Ozzy has no idea who P. Diddy is, but they take photos and Ozzy does his requisite biting poses. But then Ozzy shocks me as they get out of the booth as he says that he's so glad P. Diddy got out of that court case. Everyone laughs, worried that P. Diddy is going to take offense and shoot Ozzy, but he probably couldn't understand what Ozzy said. P. Diddy, totally flummoxed, says, "So glad…about everything…that's going on for you!" Then Ozzy is gone and P. Diddy camera-talks, "I'm a big fan of Ozzy Osbourne. No bullshit."
Green room. A staffer is telling Kelly what's going to happen -- she's going to be on TRL as well. Kelly can't stop smiling, and now she's all giddy pacing around saying she's nervous. She says she's going to trip and fall on her face. Everyone says she shouldn't worry. Kelly then sits in Ozzy's lap as a staffer says, "Um, the F-word…" and Kelly says that she can't say "fuck" and has to behave herself. Ozzy jokes with her, and Kelly says that she learned how to swear from him. "You learned from the best, baby," he says. And then they trade kisses, and she pretends to be grossed out but she loves it. It's sweet.
Ozzy. On the show with Kelly. "Hi, this is Ozzy Osbourne and you're watching TRL." Woooooooo! Kelly looks embarrassed but pleased.
Standing with Sharon backstage, Ozzy goes into high mumble mode, talking about not knowing what planet he's on and he feels like he was shot out of a cannon on Monday and hasn't landed yet. He puts a hand to his forehead as he walks off. Kelly is still all smiley from being on the show.
Hotel. The fam sits around. Ozzy gets the door when room service arrives. Kelly sits, bored, on the couch as Ozzy eats. Man, Ozzy is one dude who should not be talking while he's eating. That's all we need. He says that her birthday is coming up, and then asks how many days? She says, "Seven." Then he mumbles a lot, asking eventually what she wants. She says, "I don't know…anything…I don't mind." That, or they're talking about the upcoming elections.
The fam. Sharon says that the campers sing by a campfire at night, and Ozzy reacts with horror. Kelly starts to say that even she couldn't take that seriously, but Sharon interrupts her by singing "Kumbaya." (Not the song, just the one word.) Then she asks Kelly what she was saying, and Ozzy interrupts her again with the same one-word version of "Kumbaya." Kelly gives up trying to talk. Hee.
Bad nanny. Jack says that it's like a hippie cult up there.
Sharon tells Ozzy that they stopped at Roy Rogers for food last night. Kelly gets all excited for some reason. Then Sharon asks what the difference was between Roy and Will Rogers. "Who the fuck is Will Rogers?" asks Kelly. "I don't know," says Ozzy. Is there really a difference, when it's all said and done? Commercials.
New segment. "Like Father Like Daughter." Ozzy comes home, holding a dog. He puts the dog down and dodders through the front hall. Sharon follows, saying, "Good morning," to everyone. Melinda lies that she missed them -- that it was lonely around the house without them.
Jack calls someone and asks if they want to come to Kelly's birthday party tonight. Then a girl in a Motley Crue t-shirt gives Jack a mohawk.
Jack shows his mohawk to Sharon. "You're out of your fucking mind," she replies.
Kelly walks to her room with Robert. Ooooh, Robert. You loooooove Robert. You want to kiss and hug Robert. She's all smiley as she carries a bag of gifts he's giving her. In her room, she notices that the gifts are all pink because that's her favorite color. Robert stands by wondering if, after four years, after all this, he's going to finally at least get some head, as Kelly opens the gifts. She downplays everything, but you can tell she's ecstatic inside. She tries on a sweater. "Sweet," she proclaims. "Not as sweet as some head would be," Robert thinks.
The party. Night. Horror theme. Wow. That's so creative, you crack party planners, you! A horror party at Ozzy's house! Who would have thunk it? A douchebag actor tells people to enter of their own free will. A contortionist. Punch, with dry ice. A tarot card reader. Lots of kids. Presents. The contortionist freaks Kelly out. Ozzy tells Sharon she's out of her fucking mind.
Ozzy sits alone in the living room, drinking a Coke. Melinda asks how he likes the music. "Crap," he declares. She asks if she should change the music, but he says that it's not his party. Two other parents sit around, and Ozzy bitches to them and then to the cameraman about the music, saying that it's like a four-hour-long record of the same thing. The music stops and Ozzy says, "That's the best part of the record." Hee.
The singing of "Happy Birthday." The cake. Lola tries to get on the pool table.
Kelly goes out with friends, kissing Melinda good night.
Now the Crue ho who gave Jack the mohawk is going to sleep in Jack's room, but on the couch. She says that she drools in her sleep, and he says that he pees in his sleep. He goes on that he wet the bed nine times this summer. "You told me," she says. Wha? Issues -- the kid has some. He tells us, "Waking up in a pool of your own spit…and a bed covered in your own urine. It's fun." Man. Okay, so she's sleeping on the couch. Yeah, whatever. Two seconds after the cameraman leaves, she's giving Jack a different kind of trim.
Ozzy and Sharon go inside after the party, remarking, just like any other parents, how "disgusting" the cigarette butts all over are. Like they're going to have to clean up a single butt. Please.
Morning. Party aftermath. Living room. Jack burps, and Ozzy says that was nice. "It was only for you," Jack has to repeat twice. Ozzy asks where Jack's going that night, and he says he's staying home with Ozzy. "Why did you lock your door last night?" asks Kelly. Ozzy asks if he had a girl in there. Then Jack says that Kelly should shut up because there's something she doesn't want to talk about, and Kelly says that Jack promised he wouldn't say anything. (This part looks a little staged, but who knows with this weird bunch.) Ozzy immediately leans in all excited. "What happened what happened what happened?!" he says. Hee. "What did she do?" he asks Jack. (Can't drink or smoke, he has to get pleasure somewhere. Who knew Ozzy's new drug was gossip?) Kelly sits, reading a birthday card that Robert no doubt gave her over and over. She's in loooooove. Ozzy keeps bugging her and finally figures out that it's a tattoo. Jack says that the tattoo is "ordinary," but wants to see it again. She shows Ozzy, who asks if she's told Sharon. She hasn't. It's a tiny little red heart on her hip. Tiny. She says that she loves it as she shows it to Jack.
Now some random guy stands by as Ozzy gives a too-late lecture about how she's going to have that for her whole life. "I like it!" she pouts. The lecture continues about infections as Ozzy points to one of his hundred tattoos and says that one got infected and his arm swelled up like a balloon. Ozzy finally says that Kelly has to tell Sharon. Whatever. Kelly totally wants this attention.
Now Ozzy has Sharon on the phone and gives the phone to Kelly. Ozzy rubs his hands, so excited. Now we see Sharon getting her hair washed in a salon. Kelly tells her about the tattoo, and Sharon immediately asks where and what and then who did it. Kelly won't say. Ozzy is having a good time in the background. Ozzy takes the phone again, and Sharon tells him she's sad. Ozzy tries to defend Kelly, saying that it's small and not that bad. He jokes that she's getting the "big fucking one" week. (There is a chalkboard that says something about Jews behind them, but part of it is tiled out. Mystery!) Kelly pouts that Mommy hates her, but Ozzy says she's just disappointed. "She thinks you're a very stupid person." Ah, that makes it all better. Thanks, Ozzy. Kelly replies that she knows she's stupid, that Sharon didn't have to tell her that.
Hee. Now Kelly is down at the salon as Sharon sits in the chair. Sharon demands that Kelly show it to her. She does. The hair lady keeps babbling, saying that it's very tiny. "Is it crooked?" asks Sharon. Hee. Kelly says no, and they all look.
Now Ozzy stands shirtless, his many tattoos on display. He gives advice about tattoos to us, saying that if you want to be unique, don't get a tattoo, because everyone has one. While he talks, he fingers a tattoo of a rose with "Sharon" written underneath. The rose is a good symbol for Sharon. Of course I mean just the thorn part.
Now Kelly tells Sharon that she likes the tattoo, and Sharon asks who did it. Kelly won't name names because she thinks Sharon will sue. Yeah, or break knees.
Ozzy is still rambling, telling us that his father went crazy when he saw Ozzy's first tattoo. Great, okay, thanks, Ozzy.
Sharon asks if Kelly did it because she's mad at them. Kelly says no. Hey, Sharon. Maybe Kelly did it because we model our parents' behavior and her dad is Ozzy fucking Osbourne! ["I guess that makes my dad Tommy Lee. Hee." -- Sars] Kelly goes on that all her friends got the same tattoo.
Ozzy's still in the kitchen talking, now telling us that Kelly's wasn't that bad. He was afraid it was going to be a big fucking eagle on her ass. He folds his arms, done with us.
time! Sharon talks about how you never realize what the neighbor from hell is until you have one. I guess their neighbors are loud. Someone says that the neighbor sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West. Sharon says, throwing a rotten ham over the fence, "The Wicked Witch has got nothing on me!" Jack yells over the fence for them to shut the fuck up -- smiling and loving it the whole time. Hee. This is great! Ozzy Osbourne's family being disturbed by loud neighbors. Brilliant. A sitcom writer could never have made this up. Jack throws something off the balcony. Ozzy, doing something in the kitchen, says, "If they want a fucking war, we've got to give them one." "Not wood, Ozzy! Ozzy!" yells Sharon as Ozzy throws a fucking huge piece of firewood over the fence. Glass breaks! Ozzy broke a window! He dodders out, trying to run away. Hee. And then Jack says the cops are there! Ha! Inside, Sharon talks to a cop, who says they're going to have to "plead [their] case in front of a judge." Yeah!
Love this show. The ratings keep going up, too! We're in the salad days, folks. Enjoy it.