Sharon's claim that the overexposure was not their doing, but rather the fact that people kept talking about them and doing press on them, continues to be proven disingenuous, as they take center stage during a big Super Bowl commercial this Sunday. Man, that family is getting paid. P. Diddy might soon indeed be calling Kelly for that date. Imagine the dowry.
Sharon's bedroom. Ozzy and Sharon play with the fat-ass gorgeous TV that pops out of their foot board. Like a little kid, Ozzy wants Sharon to keep lifting it up and down, and then, holy shit, rotate it 180 degrees! Goddamn, that's fucking awesome. I ain't never seen that shit on CRIBS. Jermaine Dupree must be pissed right now. Ozzy says, "The Bat Cave lives. Rock and roll." Ozzy goes on, "Watch this. It's cool." And Sharon tries to lift it again, and nothing happens. She hits buttons, but -- nothing. "Fucking hell," says Ozzy, his toy broken. No fucking Baking The Bread Channel.
Kelly and Bad Nanny sit in an office, going over a schedule of interviews and appearances and such for Kelly. Kelly yells that she already talked to all of them. Bad Nanny runs down the list, "No, no, no, no, no," saying she's wrong. Hee. Then Bad Nanny reveals that some dude is here to have Kelly take photos with her dogs for some dog calendar. "No! It's a dog book…no," she says. I don't blame her. Bad Nanny tries to Jedi mind trick her, reminding her that dogs are her life, but she'd much rather be doing something else, she says. Bad Nanny emails, "Kelly said no. Please do not make her sit and pose with the dogs." Kelly points out that Bad Nanny just emailed the wrong person. Kelly asks about a Vanity Fair thing. "It's not for the cover, is it?" she asks, foolish hope in her voice. (Although once Gretchen Mol and her nipples got on the cover, that pretty much lowered the bar for that former status-symbol gig.) "Then why the fuck are we flying someone out? Can't we just do it on the phone?" Kelly brats. Wow. I'd like to see someone unexpectedly bitchy do a session like this. Like watch Gwyneth bitch about New York Times articles and how Harvey Weinstein keeps wanting to play tennis. "No! God! His belly jiggles when he runs for his backhand. It's gross!" Bad Nanny says that it's a very important piece. Kelly hits Bad Nanny. Hee.
Jack comes in, and Kelly reveals that she has to go to New York tomorrow to finish one song. Jack wonders why they can't do it here, and Kelly goes into a faux-retarded voice, saying that her producer is there. They all wonder why she didn't go yesterday when she was supposed to, and Kelly brats that so many people don't need to be involved and she can do it herself. Yeah, right. Just like she handled the firing and paying-off of Little Drummer Girl. Right. Oh, wait, no. That was Sharon. Kelly fellates a bottle.
Short bus. Jack drives with someone, talking about a band called Delusion that he found eighteen months ago and they just now have their demo together. Driver says that it's not the album of the century, and Jack hits him, this time waiting only three minutes into the episode before he has some homoerotic pseudo-violent older male contact. The driver nearly rear-ends a car while pulling up to a light. I hate drivers who wait until the last minute to slam on their brakes. I also hate people who don't signal, but that's a different recap. The driver Boston-accents that the band is only recording an EP and they smoke "doobs" and Jack doesn't need to be a part of that. They're now an hour late.
A house in Orange County or something. In the home recording studio, Jack sits around with the band, listening to a cut. The band members all hysterically bob their heads maniacally along with the beat, as if their enthusiasm for their own work will make Jack like it. It doesn't work on me, but it works on Jack as the song ends, and he tells them that it's really good. The band then relaxes and starts picking on Jack, making him say they're the best band he's ever developed. One of them even flicks his face. Hee. Poor Jack. No respect. And the best part is that Jack instantly starts smiling, loving the frat-like old-boy ribbing. It's what he needs. The band brings up the Who Discovered Them, Jack Or Kelly controversy. "Is Kelly here now?" Jack pointedly asks. One of them jokes that Kelly's in the back recording, and then starts singing "Papa Don't Preach." It actually sounds better than Kelly's version.
Kelly and Bad Nanny. Reading more emails. Because Kelly can't read her own email. Some company wants to give Kelly a blue blazer. "Why not?" says Kelly. She gets up, and this crap song "I'm not feeling very well today" plays as Kelly starts yelling, wondering why she can't go into one room in her fucking house and be left alone! She sips tea in the kitchen. Then she yells to Sharon, "I want a fucking break! You haven't been there for all of it, Mom!" Sharon wonders when she wants the break and says she'll get it for her, and Kelly huffs away, obviously only wanting to bitch and not wanting Sharon to actually solve her problem. But that's what girls do. Seriously, hasn't Sharon read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? Maybe she wouldn't have had the falling out with Billy Corgan if she had. Although I think Billy Corgan might be from Mars, Venus, and a little Uranus. (Good night!)
Ozzy and Bad Nanny and Gay Gramps appear, and Sharon explains that Kelly just wants to be a kid and the few months are going to be very hard, but -- and this is where Sharon goes into manager mode -- Kelly signed the contract and she needs to learn that you either do it all the way, or not at all. "It's terrible. You've got no life," says Sharon, but then saying, pretty much, too bad. She then sends Ozzy in to give Kelly a hug. Uh-oh.
Ozzy shuffles down the hall and disappears into Kelly's room. The captioners immediately write "(Kelly screeching)," and the doors open as Ozzy says, "Don't fucking yell at me." Apparently that's the wrong thing to say, because Kelly has a full on freak-out wobbler meltdown, yelling, "I haven't! I haven't! I haven't! I haven't!" as Ozzy almost trips backing out of the room as fast as he can. Ozzy shuffles back into Sharon's room and says, "Don't ask me to do that again." Hee. Perfect delivery. Ozzy says he got "bullocked to death." He goes on that he's not the manager around here, and that it's not his job. Sharon, god love her, doesn't lose her amused smile for a second. She says, "She's so dramatic. I love her so much." Ozzy replies, "She's gone…she's fucking nuts," putting his head in his hands. And commercials.
Night. House. Gus jumps off the counter, probably trying to avoid more butt-rape. Now back in the office, Sharon tells Kelly that she's had a bad day and she should go to bed. Kelly brats that she's not doing the Barbara Walters thing, and Sharon says she doesn't have to do it, so don't do it -- both of them knowing perfectly well that there's no way in fucking hell Kelly is getting out of it. "Don't try to look for a fight, Kel. No one's fighting you," she says. True dat.
Morning. Kelly. Sharon's bedroom. Sharon tells Ozzy that Kelly's going to New York, and Ozzy gets all interested and concerned about how much money Kelly has. She says she's fine, and Ozzy mumbles about how she needs more cash and then hobbles out of the room on a fucking mission. Sharon and Kelly laugh at him the minute he leaves. Hee. There's something about paying Kelly back, but whatever. Sharon asks if her phone is charged and then says she's going to miss her, and they hug. "Two hands," says Sharon, wanting a real hug. She's only going for twenty-four hours. Jeez. Ozzy comes back up with the money, forcing Kelly to take a whole wad. "Sell those tapes, Kel," Ozzy says, meaning, I guess, record the song well. "Rock and roll," he reminds her as she trots off.
Jack's room. A phone call comes in from one of the band members. Jack talks about needing the CD and the masters, and apparently one of them is balking or something as Jack yells, "What's his fucking problem?" and then hangs up, saying, "Jesus fucking Christ!" Jack already has the language down well. Not this part: "The fucking guitarist for Delusion is a fucking asshole." But the part where he talks about how he's being very protective over the CD demo and not wanting people to hear it, and then especially "the guitarist is a problem," which means, "I'm going to try to get Sharon to Sarah him out of there."
New York. Recording studio. Uh, Kelly sings. It sounds, uh, well…I just hope her engineer is good with the Pro Tools. Afterwards, she says she didn't know she could sing that high. She jokes that it's all the screaming she did as a kid. What does she mean, "as a kid"?
Montage. Kelly gets driven around and gets her hair done. A photo shoot. She wears devil horns. She says she feels like a retard doing some hip movement. She poses with Mandy Moore. Mandy Moore's tan is out of control, by the way. Someone needs to get an umbrella on that girl. Another shoot. She poses with a skull. She lipsticks stuff onto a mirror and the dude tells her that the magazine won't like it. She leaves a shoot to yell, "I'm going to fucking kill myself!" Hee.
Home. Sharon takes a call from Kelly. Gay Gramps is there with her. Sharon calls Kelly either "Tarts" or "Tots." They're both kinda insulting, and both kinda true. After the call, she says, "That was a call to say everybody can have the money back. She doesn't want to do anything anymore." Hee.
New York. More make-up. Kelly gets into a limo, complaining that things are disorganized. "I hate going to things like this," she brats to Bad Nanny. Yeah, limos are stupid! Bad Nanny, despite the constant abuse, has a pretty fucking sweet gig.
At a Marc Jacobs fashion show, Kelly poses with Puffy. "Kelly! Puffy! Kelly! Puffy!" photographers scream. Brilliant.
At the house, Sharon tells Jack that last night Puff Daddy's security guard bumped into Kelly and she fell to the floor. Puffy picked her up and apologized and was really nice. He went on that Kelly doesn't wear enough diamonds and he's going to get her a diamond watch. "P. Diddy's the homey," says Jack. (P. Diddy wouldn't have no trouble getting the masters from a band he signed, I'll tell you that fucking much.) Sharon goes on that it would be cool if Kelly went out with Puff Daddy, and that she'd be Puff Mommy. The editors do a dumb fantasy sequence of Puffy videos. Sharon goes on that Kelly's a little meanie and they'd be good together. "No," says Jack. She just wants him because he's rich and famous. Sharon says he smells good. Jack says, "So fucking what. I smell good." And commercials.
New York. Kelly talks on the phone to Sharon about how she's spoiled, but not the "Veruca Salt" kind of spoiled where she wants what she wants and wants it now, but…and then she doesn't say the kind of spoiled she is, because Kelly is exactly what she just said she wasn't. Kelly is chilling as Bad Nanny has to pack up. That's fucked. Ugly dog Chicken is there with them. Kelly goes on that the best way is "compromisation." Hee. Maybe she shouldn't have dropped out of school.
Montage of flying. Bad Nanny runs into someone. They arrive home.
Kelly shows off Puff Daddy's watch as she enters the house. She hugs Sharon. Jack says he doesn't trust Puffy. "Don't talk about my son-in-law that way," Sharon says. She inspects the diamond watch, saying that it's gorgeous. Jack is jealous. Kelly seems to be wearing a wig. Sharon asks if P. Diddy smells nice, and Kelly and Bad Nanny gush about how manicured and put together he is. "I bet he's got a nice ol' willie," says Sharon. Random girls laugh. Kelly wants Sharon to stop. Sharon goes on, "I bet it's smooth. I bet it's oiled…" Oiled -- hee. Kelly throws her hand over Sharon's mouth, screaming that she's going to make her sick. Bad Nanny says she should have asked to see it. I bet P. Diddy would have complied.
Upstairs. Ozzy asks where Kelly is, and then goes to look for her. The second half of that stupid song from the beginning plays, where the dude now is feeling better today. Feh. In a bedroom, Kelly and Jack have a pillow fight, almost breaking a lamp. "Stop!" yells Ozzy, entering the room. He's wearing a shirt that reads, "Fuck Cancer." He asks Kelly, who's busy being humped by Lola on the floor, if she wants to play him her record.
Ozzy mumbles his ass off, trying to understand which songs are on which CDs Kelly is handing him. He loads the CD player as "Come Dig Me Out" plays. Ozzy and Kelly sit and listen. Kelly keeps glancing at Ozzy, looking for approval. They chat and smile. Ozzy kisses Kelly, who smiles. It's very cute. "You should be really proud of yourself. I know I am," says Ozzy when the songs ends. Awwwwwww. Kelly's cute here. It almost makes up for the whole rest of the episode. Almost.
Jack's room. Two of the band members come over. One dude launches into apologizing for how high-strung "Casey" is about stuff he cares so much about. Jack gives business-speak, hoping that Casey isn't going to become a "nuisance." The dude responds, "To you, maybe. You get annoyed easily." Jack doesn't respond. Good job, Jack. Good play. They listen to the music. Afterwards, Jack says he likes it. There is awkward silence, and the dude starts babbling about how Jack has an evil grin and someday he's going to become a super-villain and be disgruntled and try to take over the world. Jack is playing it cool, his poker face on.
Sharon's bedroom. Kelly lies around watching Annie. Bad Nanny stands waiting for her. Kelly says that she and Aimee used to watch this movie all the time. Bad Nanny says she did too, but Kelly ignores her, because really, who cares? She's just the help. Shut up and answer her email. They're going to Australia in ten minutes. Kelly realizes she hasn't packed. Oops. I hate when that happens. Bad Nanny starts singing, but then Kelly starts, so Bad Nanny is contractually required to stop singing so that Kelly can have the stage.
week…everyone in the house has to get a flu shot, Ozzy says. Ozzy asks when they can have sex again. He pours Sharon a Guinness. Lola shits on the floor and Ozzy talks into her ass, asking for no more shit to come out. I wonder if that works. I have to go find my cat. Sharon says that if they have sex, Ozzy will get chemo on him. Ew. Ozzy yells at people not to touch the dog and then Sharon -- or dog shit, and then Sharon. He yells that Sharon shouldn't have dogs in the bed because they carry bugs. Ozzy tells Sharon, "I don't mind if I have a glowing dick." Hee. And that's it! Later.