Ozzy stands in the garden, looking more lucid than we've seen him in decades. A big cheesy grin on his face, he tries to cut German promos for the show. He stumbles over the words, asking some dude how to say the words over and over. He finally gives up and just says it in English. Har. Credits.
The title of this episode is "Flea's A Crowd." Hey, watching the Three's Company MOW a few weeks ago made me wonder why the show was called Three's Company and not Three's A Company. Never figured that one out. As a kid, I didn't question. I just let the comedy wash over me like a lukewarm bath. It's a wonder I grew up on those sort of sitcoms and still have a relatively sophisticated sense of humor. But then again, I do love the occasional "Put it in, Jack. Harder!" joke. Man, that Tripper. (Named as such because he fell a lot!)
Dogs scratch. They scratch. More scratching. One sets another one off like Tourette's patients. There is a tennis ball lying dangerously on the floor. Man, Ozzy is going to fall over that thing and bust a hip. In the kitchen, Ozzy stands talking to some accent-having woman, as a maid cooks or cleans nearby. Accent is saying how she has flea bites from their house. She launches into a story about how she went home and her husband noticed she was scratching a lot and jokingly wondered if she'd gotten a rash from some man -- meanwhile, Ozzy begins what looks to be a long and treacherous journey around the center kitchen block unit. He's like the Magellan of the kitchen, the look of concentration on his face as he shuffles to the refrigerator. Ozzy says his house is a six-million-dollar flea pit. He loves making jokes about much his house cost. I bet it's actually nine million, and he's just trying not to brag.
Scratching. Scratching. Robert and Jack and Sharon are hanging around in Sharon's room, talking about Deliverance. Jack hasn't seen it, so they begin describing the movie for him. I think it's probably a bad idea if Jack ever sees it -- it might give him some ideas for the time Dill comes to visit. Sharon says it scared her a lot when she saw it. Robert says it feels like a documentary, but it isn't. Jack doesn't react. They cut to a dog. Trying to create comedy from nothing with editing! It's what the show is about now. Fantastic. Sharon now asks a question: If you had to do one, would you White-Water Raft, Go Down The Amazon, or The Australian Outback. They play stupid "scary" music as Jack and Robert think, cutting to dogs and Jack. But then back to the three as they calmly answer. Jack says he'd go down the Amazon, and Sharon says, "No fucking way," citing the bugs as her reason. I guess this whole thing is to tie it in with the "bugs" in their house, but it's a really monumentally pointless scene. Robert mumbles about how it's "crazy-style" in Brazil and they have a plant that if you rub against it, it makes you see fire "like, constantly. Whoa, fire. Everything's like fire. It's crazy." Yeah, I'm thinking Robert isn't so smart. Dogs. Music. Sharon says she's not one with nature, with "creepy crawlies up your ass." She goes on that anything that lays an egg in you, forget.
CUT TO: Dogs scratching. Ah, fleas! See, there was a "point" to the whole thing. Scratching. Scratching. Robert and Jack sit on the couch. Robert sees a "yellow" flea. The Boys With Avids keep making "boing" noises as the fleas jump. Hmm.
Sharon and Kelly. Sharon asks where Kelly is going. She's going to Philly for three days to see Burt on his tour bus. Sharon says she's eighteen and can go, but she has to take somebody with her. Kelly wants to take BadDrummerSarah, but Sharon says Sarah will just "get naked." That's not something we want to see. Kelly screams that she's not taking a security guard and that she has a life and she doesn't want to be in prison. "You cannot do that to me." Sharon then goes totally passive-aggressive and says they'll just put her in a dirty Yellow Cab alone and he'll take the longest way to the airport and no one will meet her and she'll have people go through her bags and then she'll sit in the middle of four people at the back of the plane. Fuck off -- that's called Air Travel For The Non-Wealthy, lady. But when Kelly hears how the rest of us live, she gets down on her knees and begs her mom not to do that to her. She goes on that she doesn't need a security guard with her, and Sharon passive-aggressives that she doesn't think she needs one either -- that she should experience life. Sharon says she should also go backpacking around the world for a year, or go to Thailand or India or Korea. Kelly says, "I fucking hate Korea." They keep going on like this for a while, Kelly quickly losing any sympathy the audience had for her. Sharon talks about how they all have to get back to basics and that Kelly should stay in a Motel 6 in Philly. Kelly says she's going to get a suite at the Four Seasons. Kelly says she hasn't showered in three days (ew), and Sharon says she hopes she doesn't have her period (double ew). You know what? If I had tubs and showers and swimming pools like these fuckers do, I would live in water. I'd be like Aquaman, but without the ability to control fish, or the gayness. Sharon says she hopes Kelly can arrange to have her period "whilst" on the tour bus. Kelly throws something at Sharon. Sharon cackles. I realize that Sharon's laugh sounds exactly like the laugh of a girl I used to date. Maybe that's why I both sort of hate her and find her fascinating. And why I find myself yelling, "You don't understand me!" every time she comes on the screen.
Sharon does Ozzy's hair (I guess they've hit hard times and have had to cut back) as Kelly asks Ozzy if she should get a nose ring. The parents think it's "dated." Ha. Good parental reason against a piercing: because it's so out. They warn her against getting someone's name tattooed on her body. Ozzy says, "Burt," very happy with himself for remembering her boyfriend's name. But then his lucidity goes away as he asks her not to get a tattoo and she says, "I already have a tattoo, Dad." "Oh," says Ozzy. Don't worry, Ozzy, we totally forgot that episode, too. Commercials.
House. Day. A Indian-ish statue. Sharon needs it put in the garden. Robert and Jack say they don't need Bitch Boy's help. "Fuck Dave," says Robert to Sharon's suggestion of helpers, and they pick it up themselves. They struggle to get it outside and finally put it down, miraculously avoiding stepping in dog shit (they must have some worker hired specifically to pick up dog shit the minute it hits the grass -- like a ball boy at Wimbledon). Then Sharon changes her mind and they pick it up again, remembering to lift "from the knees." Then Sharon changes her mind again and they move the heavy statue once more. Sharon changes her mind yet again, and they refuse and she laughs. We do not.
Night. House. Sharon says she loves Kelly, but she's going to come to Philly with her. Kelly tells her mother: "Get your head out of your ass, you fucking evil old woman." If I said that to my mom, the world would end. Literally. Sharon merely laughs. Who has it better? I'm not at all sure. Sharon says she's going to sing with the band, and then dresses up in a hoodie and sunglasses. Kelly says that with Fendi sunglasses and Chanel, Sharon's really not going to fit in. It's a sort of funny line, but totally lost due to bad delivery. Take two, anyone?
Scratching montage. Dogs. Dogs. Dogs. Sharon wonders why a dog is scratching when it was just washed and de-flea-ed. Ozzy says they've got no army to fight the bugs. Cue the military music! Ah, yes. Clever-adjacent.
CUT TO: The dogs all lined up, shivering, getting washed. This is actually a cool L.A. thing: they have vans that drive around to rich houses and wash the dogs inside the vans. Mobile dog groomers! It's a great idea. Even better if you're a fucking rich person. Or save fifty bucks and do it yourself? Never. Lola shakes. Very very cute.
Night. House. Sharon is crying because Kelly is leaving. Ozzy's advice: you shouldn't cry. You should be happy. Hee. Nice. Kelly looks retarded in her white knit hat and black jacket. She shows Sharon a photo in a magazine of her and Burt. Sharon sniffles, and then starts stealing jewelry out of Kelly's box (ew). Kelly finally tells her to stop going through her bags because she's going to find things she doesn't want to see (triple ew). Kelly drives off.
House. Night. A formal dinner with about twelve people. Sharon is talking about how she had 700 pounds of jewelry on, her "designer track suit," and she was covered in flea bites. Ozzy says the dogs can't be on the bed, and they talk about burning the sofa. Ozzy says they'll have a Friday-night sacrifice to the gods. Sharon looks at Ozzy so attentively when he starts to talk from across the table. Very cute. "What the fuck am I talking about?" he then says. Sharon talks about her nurse putting in a shunt right near a flea bite. Jack says something. Ozzy says it's like living in a "leper camp," which the captioners translate as "leopard couch." Good job. Man, I feel sorry for deaf people. They have even less idea what's going on than us hearing folk. Sharon says they're getting rid of all the furniture, and Ozzy says he can feel the viruses from the bugs, and then they play him again saying, "What the fuck am I talking about?" and we cut to commercials.
House. Night. Dogs. Dogs. Sharon asks Accent-Lady if she has flea bites, and she retells the joke she told earlier that Ozzy did not get due to his being on the mission to the fridge. Sharon goes on about how many flea bites she has, and they compare bites like Mel Gibson and Renee Russo in whatever movie that was. Sharon tells Bitch Boy that she's ordered all new furniture, so he should just get rid of everything in the living room (or Living Room Number 7, in that huge house) tomorrow. Sharon leaves, saying it's "fucking torture." Yes, call Amnesty International.
Kelly returns from her trip to show Sharon her new nose piercing! Sharon says it looks like a "boogie" on the side of her nose. Kelly says she likes it; it's not black -- it's just got blood on it. Kelly says, "It's cute. I'm young." That's the best line of the night, right there. Sharon is bummed and tries to get her to take it out. Kelly refuses. Sharon says she'll be upset as she gets older and there is a big hole in her nose. "You'll be heartbroken," she says. Sharon asks and Kelly refuses three times. Sharon says it will close if she takes it out now, and Kelly yells, "I'm eighteen. There is nothing you can do." She says she's going to get a chain from her nose to ear. Nothing works, so Sharon finally plays the "wait until your father sees it" card.
CUT TO: Ozzy, like any other stern father, in the middle of getting make-up put on. Make-up guy asks if Ozzy likes Kelly's nose ring. I'm pretty sure this is fake, because when Ozzy says, "Kelly got a nose ring?" the guy does a terrible fake take to the camera and then mumbles, "Uh...I don't know." "Fucking hell," reads Ozzy.
New furniture is delivered. Ozzy watches. Music plays. Ozzy watches. Wicker. Stone tables. Money being thrown away.
Now the 2001: A Space Odyssey music plays as Ozzy sits. Then we pan over to a big giant bronze sculpture of a hand, sitting in the kitchen. Some real Tennessee Williams-ish art dealer guy stands there holding onto it. It goes on. Ozzy stares. The music plays. The camera pivots. Whatever, Boys With Avids. Whatever.
Day. House. Bad Nanny sits in the new furniture. A big designer lady says she's disinfected to try to make the dogs not want to sit/pee/poo on the couches. She also says that the colors are "scrumptious" with the tile. The dogs all sit outside at the door, waiting to sit/pee/poo on the couches. That's pretty funny. Ozzy smiles that things are going to fucking change. No, they're not. Sharon yells that this is the way they have chosen to live, and at least for now they won't be smelling like piss or have flea bites. For now.
CUT TO: Ozzy sits with a towel over the couch where someone has pissed. He makes an alarm noise and holds Martin down, asking if he pissed. Ozzy then tries to get out of the couch and can't. Hee. But also: you could shoot the same show at an Old Folks' Home and get the same great comic moments, like Stray Pee and Forgot How To Drink From A Cup and Can't Get Up From The Couch. You could save a lot of money, MTV. Think about it. Ozzy says the couch is like a Venus Flytrap.
Kelly tells Sharon that she's going to tell her something that will make her go, "See! See!" Kelly says how she forgot about the nose ring and saw it out of the corner of her eye and flicked it, thinking it was a bug. Sharon says that it looks like a blackhead. Kelly again says she's getting hoop and a chain. Sharon says she's going to throw up.
Dogs scratching. A dog pulls a string out from the couch. Ozzy sits with a two-liter of Pepsi, yelling, as a dog chews on a stone column.
time on...Ozzy works out. Trainer says that tomorrow is a big day. Ozzy says they're running five miles. Wow. I couldn't drive five miles. Running. Around a track. The trainer says that this is a "benchmark" -- Ozzy running five miles on his fifty-fourth birthday. Man. That is pretty incredible. Especially for a guy who can't get out of the couch. Birthday party. Cake. Cheers. Fireworks. More running. Ozzy says you should run because they can't hit a moving target that way. Ozzy throws a leg over the banister in the house to stretch. "I'm stuck," he says.
And that's it. See ya!