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This week we learned all about the events that drove Alice's father to throw her in the nuthouse as a young woman. A year ago, Alice arrived home from Wonderland after a very long absence to find that her father had remarried a real bitch of a stepmother and had another daughter. Alice turned to her family for comfort in her grief over Cyrus's "death" and -- Victorian sensitivities toward mental illness being what they were -- they basically told her knock the crazy off and marry a one doofy young Mr. Darcy. Alice refused, the bald man was called and Alice went to the funny farm… somewhat willingly.
In Wonderland, Alice runs into an enchanted forest filled with flowers that spray powerful antidepressants at her and really, really doesn't want to leave once her pain is gone. Which is a problem because: A) she's supposed to be searching for Cyrus, and B) the enchanted forest is an evil forest that turns its inhabitants into inanimate trees over time. This episode took down big Pharma like whoa, y'all. Luckily, the Knave arrived and wasn't affected by the drugs because he never put his heart back in his chest after Alice got it back for him, so he snapped her out of it and off they went.
As for Cyrus, he got away from Jafar's men, but the Red Queen has found him and wants him and his bottle all for herself. She imprisons him on a floating island in the sky that looks like a crappy video game. Cyrus is screwed again! A floating island is a nicer place to be than a sex cage dungeon, though, I'd say. Prison upgrade!
Jafar and the White Rabbit travel to Victorian England and make two stops. First, they freak out the bald man with the White Rabbit again, which was fun. Then, they went to Alice's father and offered to take him to her. From the looks of week's previews, he accepts an all-inclusive trip to Wonderland and Jafar has his new Alice bait. Hopefully Alice realizes that her father is terrible and just lets him die. FAMILY!
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Jafar makes a big entrance in an Alice-era British park by exploding through the ground and landing on the grass like a triumphant Olympic gymnast. He startles an idle gentleman painting a landscape of the city skyline, as if we need more of those. The White Rabbit follows Jafar, which prompts some stammering queries from the park artist, but Jafar doesn't have time for any of that noise. He needs to know the way to Bethlem hospital, and then he needs to kill the painter and take his fancy little outfit. Everyone's a critic.
Bethlem Asylum. The Bald Man is putting drops of poison in his water, so he's doing well. Jafar knocks on his door and enters in his park artist attire all smiles and cordiality. He presents himself as a "Dr. Sheffield" who is looking for information about a former patient. The Bald Man pretends not to remember Alice, but he begins to have a total panic attack at the mere mention of her name. Jafar puts up with that charade for about three seconds before he pulls the White Rabbit out of his bag and scares the living shit out of Bald Man, who has "tried so hard to forget" about that demon rabbit. If anyone actually watched this show besides me I'd recommend a drinking game rule for every time someone either stuffs the White Rabbit into a sack or pulls him out of one. Happens at minimum once per episode.
The Red Queen charges into Jafar's dungeon tower and finds Jafar, Cyrus and the usual guards gone. She somewhat violently interrogates Cyrus's old prison buddy about where everyone went, and he tries stalling with lies for a moment before ending with a dig about how she can never beat Cyrus, Alice and the power of true love. Ever get the feeling that a six-year-old is writing most of the dialogue on this show? Or even maybe somebody on loan from The Bachelor?
Cyrus is scaling the mountain beneath the tower, making his way down to the ground in a death-defying, extreme sports kind of way. He can hear the guards yelling as they pursue him as conspicuously as humanly possible, so he should probably get a move on. But first! He pauses on a landing and sends a telepathic message to the universe inquiring about Alice's location. This makes Alice's necklace light up with a giant purple blast that he – and everyone else in Wonderland, I'm assuming -- can see from where he is, which is actually pretty far away. Ever the upbeat lady, Alice tells her necklace (that again!) that all she has to do is follow the sun all the way West and she'll find Cyrus. Does the sun not move throughout the day in Wonderland? This seems like a bad plan.
On her way, she runs into two thugs with a tremendously rapey vibe for a show in this timeslot. They tell her she must pay the toll if she wants to continue on her travels, and try to take her Cyrus necklace as payment. Big mistake. We get some hand-to-hand action as Alice kicks the crap out of both dudes (she lets them live, though, which is a bummer), steals their torch and carries on to the "Black Forest," talking to her necklace all the while. Ok, crazy.
Flashback to "Victorian England… 1 year ago." Let me tell you why that's annoying. The show's creators have said in interviews that this Victorian England is a fictional, alternate universe one, and not a historical one, but since they've done nothing to demonstrate that within the confines of the show, I'm refusing to acknowledge it. Show, don't tell. Please. And no, I don't count the Rabbit Hole as enough to differentiate this as a fictional England, sorry.
Anyway. Alice explodes out of the Rabbit Hole, whimpering and crying about Cyrus, so it appears this is right after he fell to his fake death in the boiling sea. A little girl runs up and asks Alice if she's OK. The little girl is followed by her parents, one half of whom turns out to be Alice's father. The other half is his new wife Sarah, who is a total bitch. Alice makes the mistake of opening with Cyrus's death, the Red Queen, and her engagement, and her family just looks at her like she's nuts. Her father also introduces Sarah as "your new mother," because he's an emotional idiot. Alice is not happy.
Alice starts running into a series of signs discouraging travelers from entering the Black Forest [Ham] due to "endless night" and "danger" awaiting therein. Alice enters the forest via a sort of pitch black CGI curtain barrier.
Meanwhile, the Knave is walking off a residual headache from his recent transformation from human to statue to human again. He basically has a magic hangover, I guess. He runs into a bread vendor in the forest and they exchange some double entendres about the effects of being stoned because this is hands-down television's grittiest show.
The toll thugs from before stroll up to the Knave (they know him, of course, because he knows every single person in Wonderland somehow) to bitch about Alice kicking their asses. They also helpfully exposit that she's in the Black Forest [Ham] so the Knave can go find her. Thanks, rapey Wonderland hobos!
Alice's torch made it through the CGI curtain and she's focusing on walking in a straight line through the forest as quickly as possible as terrifying animal sounds surround her. Unfortunately, her torch goes out a few steps in and she is left in darkness… for a second. Suddenly the forest lights up with an unfathomably bright light and she's convinced she's made it through, because yes, I'm sure all of Wonderland would really be terrified of a forest that is ten feet across, Alice.
Alice walks toward the light and runs through another CGI curtain into a lush forest full of giant flowers that spray a purple mist in her face. Alice is not alarmed by mysterious Wonderland mist gassing her, which is our first indication that something's not quite right here. The second is a man holding a saw and sporting a creepily sanguine expression. He loves the forest! She should stay awhile! Alice says she's obviously too busy and important, but as she talks she starts to become cloudy and quickly loses her train of thought about everything, including who Cyrus is. A few more purple squirts in the face and Alice forgets her quest altogether and is sold on staying.
Back in flashback-town, Alice's father is arguing with his wife about Alice. The wife wants to kick Alice out, but Alice's father weakly insists he let her stay. This family is such garbage. Alice's father goes to Alice and bluntly tells her that if she's going to stay with them, she can never mention Wonderland or Cyrus to anyone again. He tries to frame it as a protective measure for Alice's impressionable half-sister, but we all know it's for him and that bitch wife of his. Alice says she can't do that, and she doesn't think she can ever be happy again without Cyrus. That makes one of us!
The Red Queen tracks Cyrus with one of her Aladdin Sane guards in a new outerwear look! It features red leggings and a peplum cape, and her guard thinks it's an inappropriate outfit for a queen. She slaps him across the face for offering fashion advice where it is not wanted and then fills him in on her new evil scheme, which I'm sure he will be reporting to Jafar week. Cat and mouse all over this show, man. The Red Queen wants to capture Cyrus and keep him and his bottle for herself so she can beat Jafar. Umm, Red Queen? If you must say these things out loud, maybe you could invest in a piece of jewelry to talk to instead of an angry human you just abused if you want to keep it a secret. It's one of the only things that works for Alice.
The Knave arrives in the purple gas forest to find Alice giddily playing with flowers and talking nonsense. She recognizes the Knave and gives him a giant hug, but she can't remember Cyrus? OK. The Knave is like, excuse me, but that guy with the saw is terrifying, and Alice is like, no, he's fine! She explains that she's decided to abandon her quest and play with flowers from now on because it makes her happy. Honestly? If I were the Knave? I'd let her.
Back in England, Alice is dressed up in lacey Victorian lady attire and having dinner with her awful family. She's attempting to put on a happy front, but it's not entirely convincing. Her little sister happily tells her she looks beautiful, and Alice warms at the kindness, but it's short-lived. Her stepmother immediately launches into talk of marrying Alice off to a "Mr. Darcy" down the block because, of course, Austen fans watch this show and must be pandered to. Alice quietly panics at the idea of marrying anyone other than Cyrus and her father takes notice, but doesn't do anything to help her. Parent of the year! Alice squeezes her water glass so hard that it breaks and her stepmother is just like OH I CAN'T TAKE YOU ANYWHERE.
Cyrus on the run in the forest, those guards still broadcasting their location by yelling incessantly as they chase him. He makes tracks into a babbling brook and then backtracks on them like Danny in The Shining. The guards fall for it and take off across the brook, screaming as they go, as Cyrus hides in the bushes.
The Knave tries to convince Alice to leave the forest but she's just too happy. He goes to the man with the saw and demands to know what he's done to her, but he is frozen solid with a giant scary grin on his face. The Knave shakes him and notices a leaf sticking out of his neck. He looks down and sees that the man's legs have turned into a tree trunk, and that the forest is slowly turning him into a tree. He looks around and sees that every tree in the forest has an anguished human face shape somewhere in its bark, so turning its inhabitants into trees is kind of this place's thing. The Knave, still unaffected by the happy gas, runs screaming to Alice, but she's super far gone now. She doesn't even know her own name anymore.
Alice's family has her sleeping on the couch, for christ's sake, and she's in the middle of a nightmare about Cyrus's death. Her sister wakes her up and tries to comfort her. She asks her about Cyrus, and Alice tries to shut it down, but the prospect of having someone to talk to proves too tempting and Alice opens up about him. Which, honestly, with parents like hers that little girl was going to be completely screwed up no matter what, so Alice can't even feel bad about this. Alice's father and stepmother interrupt them and angrily send the girl to bed. Alice apologizes, but they are both fed up. They tell her to stop being crazy right this instant or she'll be out on the street. Alice's parents sure are neat. I hope they don't die.
The Knave grabs Alice and attempts to drag her out, explaining that she's going to turn into a tree, but she flies into a rage. She swings her sword at him and refuses to go. The Knave tries to warm her up by telling her (and us) about how he owes her so much for getting his heart back for him after it was ripped out of his chest. Still no dice, as Alice is now half-tree trunk at the moment. He tells her to look at it, but she seems to love her new tree trunk look. She says she's finally found a home. Honestly? Let her stay, man. Her life sucks.
The Red Queen finds Cyrus's fake tracks and immediately figures out his gambit with a magic that lights up his actual steps like in the "Billie Jean" video. She sets off after him.
Alice's date Mr. Darcy has arrived. He is harmless and a bit doofy, but Alice is not amused. She finally stands up to her father and runs out of the house, leaving Mr. Darcy standing around, pie-faced and rejected. Alice goes for the jugular, telling her father that she doesn't have to marry someone she doesn't love just because he did. He says she must forget Cyrus! She says she can't! He recommends institutionalizing her, which she rightly finds horrifying. He tries to tell her the asylum is "very nice," which is hilarious. Her options, according to him, are get a husband or get a straight jacket. Don't you just love him?
Alice is running out of time. She now has tree branch tentacles to fight the Knave with, which is fun. He takes a gamble and picks up her Cyrus necklace and throws it at her, which somehow instantly breaks the spell and snaps her out of it. Her memories of Cyrus come back in a flood and she cuts her way out of her tree trunk cocoon with her sword. So that's over now.
Cyrus hits a snag as his fugitive march meets a giant cliff. It hits another snag when the Red Queen appears behind him. Then, the camera pulls out and we see that Jafar's dungeon tower sits atop an island floating high in the sky, so Cyrus is basically trapped and triple-screwed. This would be a devastating plot twist if I gave a shit about Alice and Cyrus reuniting, but I don't. Does anyone? Cyrus is the least interesting thing about this show!
Alice has bravely chosen the asylum option, and she's all packed and ready to go. The Bald Man pulls up in a carriage as Alice's father and his shitty wife watch from a window, not even properly seeing her off. Die in a fire, you two. Alice wordlessly gets in the carriage, and the Bald Man wordlessly takes her bag and joins her. Seriously, they don't even say hi to each other. As the carriage pulls away, Alice sees her little sister run up to her parents and they all laugh together as a happy family before Alice's body is even cold.
Alice and the Knave are now safely outside and Alice is having a tough time. All the pain in her life is coming back in an unbearable wave after being taken away by the happy gas. The Knave thanks her for turning him human again, and she breaks the news that it must have been Anastasia who did it. He's not thrilled. He also comes clean about why the happy gas couldn't affect him – he never put his heart back in. He didn't want to feel the pain of losing Anastasia, so he hid his heart somewhere to be disclosed later.
Up on the floating island, the Red Queen taunts Cyrus about his laughable fantasies of escaping to Alice. Suddenly, he sees Alice's necklace light up across the forest and takes a dive off the island into the sea below. The Red Queen is shocked. New drinking game rule for every time Cyrus falls off a cliff.
We end with Jafar making his way to Alice's father's house. He tells him he can take him to Alice, and her father all of a sudden seems to care about finding Alice, which is rich.
In two weeks: Alice's father goes to Wonderland! Plus: DRAGONS!
Want to tweet about this poor, god-forsaken show with me? I am available at all times and spaces at @garnisheater. I am the White Rabbit of social media and so can you!