In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So we finally got to see what went down between Anastasia and the Knave that ruined him so badly, and it basically amounts to this: When the happy couple got to Wonderland, they were all "Livin' on a Prayer," broke and holdin' on to what they got, it doesn't make a difference if they make it or not, until Anastasia grew tired of that (basically 5 minutes after they got there) and broke into the palace to steal the crown jewels, only to instantly become the king's trophy wife. That's actually what happened. She dumped him for a rich guy who found it adorable that she was a hot criminal. That's it. Pretty anticlimactic.
In the present, the Red Queen sends Alice on a quest to get some mysterious magic dust for her in exchange for info on where Cyrus is being held. Alice goes through a bunch of drama to get the dust for her -- including confronting a creepy younger version of herself -- and succeeds, but the Red Queen being the Red Queen, she double crosses Alice and doesn't tell her anything. Luckily, Alice is not an idiot and steals some of the magic dust for herself and uses it to make Cyrus's sex dungeon tower appear (it had been cloaked in MAGIC this entire time).
Her timing's not awesome, though, as Cyrus has already used his wishbone saw to bust out of his cage and escape. The White Rabbit redeems himself a little this week by not turning Cyrus in when he catches him escaping, but I still want to stuff him and put him in a taxidermy exhibit somewhere awful, like a highway rest stop in West Virginia or something.
Jafar had a light week this week, but he did torture the White Rabbit into telling him who else Alice cares about besides Cyrus, and sent him through a magic portal to retrieve said person so he can use him or her as Alice bait. I'm assuming it's Alice's father, so there will be ever so many daddy issues week. Oh, joy. It should be mentioned that Jafar scored a bajillion points with me this week by chopping the White Rabbit's foot off during his interrogation, but then he lost them all when he reattached it. The White Rabbit doesn't deserve feet, dammit!
Want to tweet about this poor, god-forsaken show with me? I am available at all times and spaces at @garnisheater. I am the White Rabbit of social media and so can you!
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We begin with a flashback to Will and Anastasia, hand-in-hand, poised to jump into the portal to Wonderland. Anastasia's mother interrupts them, and she immediately presents herself as quite the piece of work. She has a cockney accent and a bad attitude – she bluntly calls Will a loser and says he's ruining Anastasia's life. Not saying it's not true, but these are things civilized people say behind people's backs, not to their faces. She's also disappointed because she wanted a queen for a daughter and Anastasia didn't deliver. Apparently anyone can be queen if they try hard enough in the Robin Hood-verse? All the poor people should have just done that instead of relying on the Merry Men, in that case.
Anastasia's not evil yet, so she says she doesn't need money, she has Will and she can live on love! Ahh, youth. It's all dating boys your parents hate and racking up credit card debt. Anastasia tears up, says goodbye to her mother through clenched duck lips, takes Will's hand and dives right into Wonderland.
In the present, the Red Queen is wearing an outerwear gown, which is a new wardrobe feature for her. She's overlooking a vast cliff and thinking very hard about something. Suddenly! She seems to have an idea. Her Idea Face is very Felix the Cat, don't you think? I laughed.
Oh, Alice. She is covering Statue Knave with a shawl, but she decides to put it over the top of his head, so he ends up looking like a doofy British Mother Teresa. This show is on a roll tonight with the sight gags! She's like, "There you go!" like she's improved his situation in any way. She apologizes to him and promises to get him out this somehow.
The Red Queen surprises her then, and Alice draws her sword. Obviously, the Red Queen is merely annoyed by this, and tells her to calm down so they can make a deal already. You see, the Red Queen needs some magic dust to protect herself against Jafar, and she needs Alice to get it for her. In exchange, she'll show her where Cyrus is being held. When Alice tells her no thanks, she'll find Cyrus on her own, the Red Queen reveals why it's been so difficult so far – Jafar's sex cage tower is cloaked in magic, and cannot be seen with the naked eye. Alice silently agrees to the deal.
Speaking of Jafar's sex cage tower, Cyrus's neighbor has just arrived back from a torture session, tired and bruised, but actually looking pretty good, all things considered. Cyrus asks him what Jafar wants from him, and he just says it's something he will never get. Cyrus's neighbor is the Sultan, right? Right. Cyrus moves on to some pretty big news: They're busting out of prison today! Yay!
Flashback to Will and Anastasia's new life in Wonderland. They are starving and completely out of food. Will tries to eat a massive mystery mushroom, and Anastasia slaps it out of his hand, as those are the ones that turn you into a giant, and they can barely fit into their hoopty wagon as it is. Will's like, "What? Is the wagon too small for you?" in this perfectly indignant asshole way that man, I have heard from a boyfriend or two in my life. I'm not terribly comfortable with how much I'm identifying with Anastasia in this episode but that changes later, thank god.
Just then a wagon rolls by loaded with fresh bread and wine, so it's basically a caravan of dreams. The spoils are for a ball at the palace, and Anastasia is immediately like "SIGN ME UP!" Me too! They decide to crash the party, but first, they must steal Anastasia a new dress. Ancient Bling Ring, right here!
Alice and the Red Queen are traveling to the magical cliff by carriage ride, talking about life. Alice says that it's dark at the bottom of the cliff, and the Red Queen says yes, it gets dark when there is no sunlight. Couple of ace conversationalists, these two.
Cyrus's sex cage, wishbone saw hard at work. His neighbor gives him a rundown on how the palace is laid out so he can find his way out. They reason there are quite a few guards outside, so they should wait until nightfall to sneak out. The bottom finally falls out of Cyrus's cage, and it's show time.
Jafar's office/storage space/cave. I haven't decided what I'm calling it yet. Suggestions welcome! An Aladdin Sane guard arrives to deliver the "package" Jafar wanted, which turns out to be the White Rabbit stuffed in a sack. HAHA! Oh man, I do love White Rabbit abuse. Jafar would like to know why the White Rabbit would betray Alice after being her friend for so long, which is all I've been saying since this show began. Jafar offers a deal of his own: He'll help the Rabbit out of his debt with the Queen (whatever it is, and it's about time someone told us already) in exchange for a tidy list of everyone Alice has ever loved so he can use those people against her. He towers menacingly over the White Rabbit, whose ears go all scaredy flopsy, and you know he's going to give up that list in seconds. Pussy.
Cyrus and his neighbor act natural in their cages as a guard makes his rounds. As soon as he leaves they jump up, and Cyrus starts swinging his cage to the landing across the tower. He jumps through the hole, dangling off of its edges with his fingertips, and then launches himself at the landing, just misses it, and grabs on to that ledge for dear life. Of course, this is when the guard comes in. He can't see Cyrus's fingers peaking over the ledge, so he runs over to it and peers into the abyss as if he could even see him at the bottom of it. When the guard turns around he finds that Cyrus has somehow made his way behind him. Cyrus Chuck Norris double kicks the guard, steals his keys, and 300s him off the ledge to his death. Awesome!
Alice and the Queen have arrived at their destination, the Red Queen running her mouth about how most people who come there die. She's just not a very good manager, guys. That's not the way to motivate people. The Queen explains that the magic dust is all the way across the vast ravine, and that only the "pure of heart" can walk across it. So, we have ourselves an Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade situation here. The Red Queen knows her heart is about as pure as a trashcan full of plastic surgery waste, thus her need for Alice to give it a go.
Flashback to the palace ball. They've put Anastasia in this extremely anachronistic white prom dress with rhinestones and ruching and a very Real Housewives of Orange County vibe. It makes no sense, but wardrobe departments make mistakes sometimes. Anastasia is blown away by the extravagant party, but Will is nervous that everyone can smell the poor on them. She tells him to just act rich and everyone will accept it, which, as a long-time fancy party crashing veteran, I can verify as the absolute truth. I once got into a Grammy after party by putting on a ridiculous outfit and walking in behind P!nk as if I were part of her entourage and nobody even noticed. They never do!
Anastasia overhears some snooty ladies talking and mimics them, trying to learn the ways of the idle rich. The king (I guess he's the king?) overhears her and makes fun of her a little bit, and much flirting is had. He gets her a drink and she holds her champagne glass by the cup instead of the stem, which was hard for me to watch. He doesn't correct her because he's much more polite than I am, and their flirting is interrupted by the palace guards dragging Will in for having a forged invitation. Then, a rich lady notices that Anastasia is wearing her dress, which had just gone missing from her carriage! I'd like to point out that the woman yelling at Anastasia is wearing a giant Ren faire costume, all corsets and ugly puffy sleeves, and it's a bit of a stretch to think that that woman also dresses like Gretchen Rossi from time to time. Anyway, Anastasia is mortified as they're thrown out.
Outside, Will is psyched because he has stolen two ciabatta squares, which he claims will last them a week. Anastasia's not amused.
Ravine walk time. Alice, like Indiana Jones, realizes that the leap she needs to take here is a figurative one. It's a leap of faith. Duh. She clutches her Cyrus necklace and steps off the cliff, where her step is held up by a magic barrier... for the first few steps. Then she plummets to the bottom. Whoops.
She ends up at the bottom alive and unscathed, but surrounded by skeletons, so it looks like she's not out of the woods yet. She calls up to the Red Queen, but she can't hear her at the top.
Flashback: Will and Anastasia sitting fireside, weighing their options. Anastasia wants to pack it all up and move back home to her nightmare mother. But first, she wants to steal the crown jewels so they don't go back empty-handed and poor. She tells Will it's exactly like what he did with the Merry Men because the king is rich and they are poor. Will's against it, but he's a sucker for big wet eyes and a pair of balloon animal lips, so he's in.
Cyrus is still on that landing in the tower, fixing to throw the guard's keys to his friend. The toss works! Nice catch, Sultan. I definitely would have butter fingers'd that. But then he throws them into the abyss so that he won't slow Cyrus down. Fantasy is so weird as a genre, man. Everyone's either a selfless saint or they're Jafar. Anyway, Cyrus is like, uhh, Jafar's gonna kill ya, and his friend is just like no, he definitely won't. Father-son stuff, right? Cyrus runs off.
All the White Rabbit has given Jafar so far is that Alice loves tea parties, and a smattering of other useless info. Nice job holding out, White Rabbit! Jafar's patience is running out. He needs to know who Alice would waste a wish on protecting. To show he means business, he chops the Rabbit's foot off! Yes! The foot's still moving, however, so the little bastard has magic feet, I guess. The White Rabbit's whimpering and shaking, and gives it up. There is someone Alice loves, but they're not in Wonderland. So I guess welcome to Wonderland week, Alice's dad.
Alice is still yelling for help at the bottom of the ravine. A creepy hallucination of Alice herself as a young girl appears. It's getting awfully Wonderland-y in here! Alice is rightly freaked out, but Little Alice says she's there to help her. Alice asks her to take her to the magic dust, but Little Alice says no -- she hasn't earned it yet. Little Alice antagonizes her, accusing Alice of being a vengeful menace to South Wonderland while drinking her juice in the hood. Alice says that's a lie, because her mind is only full of wonderful loving thoughts about Cyrus and nothing else. Little Alice starts stomping her magical little hallucination feet, shaking the canyon all the way up to the Red Queen above. She tells Big Alice that she's helping her get her chance to kill the Red Queen!
And with that, the shaking knocks the Red Queen all the way down the ravine to them. She lands safely like Alice did, and Little Alice says she's inside both their heads, so she knows where Cyrus is too. If Big Alice kills the Red Queen, she'll tell her what she wants to know. The Red Queen tries to take care of them both with a little magic, but, of course, magic doesn't work down there. If it did, the Red Queen would have gotten the dust herself a long time ago. With the Red Queen defenseless, Little Alice amps up her game, screaming at Alice to spare us all the Red Queen's evil ways once and for all. Yes, please do, Alice. Big Alice gets a determined glint in her eye, says "Someone has to make you pay for what you've done," and swings her sword… into the ground. That person's not going to be Big Alice.
Little Alice congratulates her on being "truly pure of heart" and then evaporates into the magic dust. Alice starts gathering it up into a sack, as the Red Queen asks her why she didn't kill her when she had the chance. Alice is just like only assholes like you murder people in cold blood, dumb ass. The Red Queen looks pensive, trying to remember what being a human was like.
Flashback to Anastasia in the place stealing the crown jewels. She busts open the case they're locked in and starts a-grabbin' all the sparklies, but when she gets her hand on a giant red crown (get it?!) she is caught by the king himself.
Back at the top of the ravine, the Red Queen demands her magic dust from Alice. Alice wants to know where Cyrus is first, but the Red Queen just laughs in her face and uses her magic to take the sack of dust from her and leaves. But, Alice saw this coming, and kept a handful of dust for herself in her other hand. Clever girl.
As for Cyrus, he's running through the halls of Jafar's sex dungeon. Jafar has just reattached the White Rabbit's foot, so you know he gave up the goods on Alice for real. Jafar demands that the White Rabbit take him "on a trip" (to Alice's homeland, I'm assuming), but the White Rabbit makes a break for it before any of that can happen. In the hallway, the Rabbit runs into Cyrus, and with Jafar chasing after him, he actually decides not to turn Cyrus in. He tells him to go and find Alice, and Cyrus runs off. The White Rabbit is on the path to redemption, y'all.
He's apparently not going to get far, however, because when Jafar shows up, he's like, even if you got out of here, you can't escape what's outside. The White Rabbit asks what's outside, but Jafar just makes him shut up and dig open one of his magic portals. They're going on a road trip! Whatever is outside the tower, having Jafar gone on vacay should make things a little easier for Cyrus, right?
Back to Anastasia and the king, he's pretty chill about her stealing from him. He just wants to know why she did it. Anastasia said he's so rich he wouldn't miss the jewels, and besides, she needs them more than he does. He's like, yeah, that's kind of how this royalty thing works. But, he's not going to throw her in prison, because "There's something about you, girl." Yeah, that's what most people call general hotness, sire. He says it's something about how she oozes royalty or something, but c'mon, he's an older guy and she's a young blonde with duck lips. You do the math. He asks her to marry him on the spot. Men are so stupid. My god.
He puts the red crown on her head, and then thing I know she's out on the balcony with him being announced as the new queen, Will on the ground looking on, devastated and confused. Damn. That's colder than a break-up via text message.
The Red Queen visits the Knave's statue. She apologizes and tenderly touches his stony face, then she throws some of the magic dust on him, and he's cured. But, she runs away before he transforms all the way. She also keeps the majority of the dust for herself, so it's not an entirely saintly act.
Alice blows some of the dust out onto the forest and tells her Cyrus necklace she's coming for him. The dust travels out across the trees, and settles on top of a mountain, where it takes the shape of Jafar's tower. Alice resolves to get there just as we see Cyrus venturing out what appears to be the front damn door without a problem. He also says he's coming for her. Do they have Find My Friends in Wonderland? They should get that.
Want to tweet about this poor, god-forsaken show with me? I am available at all times and spaces at @garnisheater. I am the White Rabbit of social media and so can you!