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Jafar brings Alice's father back to Wonderland and attempts to impersonate him, which works on Alice for a little while. But when he doesn't say grace over a charred dragon dinner (long story), Alice knows her "father" is an imposter and ditches him. This leaves Jafar with the choice he should have gone with in the first place -- trotting her real father out in front of Alice, threatening him with death and forcing Alice to make one of her wishes. Her father, facing certain death, breaks down and apologizes for how awful he's been to her all her life and tells her he doesn't even deserve her forgiveness anyway, so please don't waste a wish on him. Obviously, this makes her want to waste on wish on him more than ever and so she does. Two down.
In flashbacks, we see even more daddy issues from Jafar. After watching his mother die as a child, he goes to his father the Sultan for refuge, but is turned down. The Sultan tells him he can't be his son because he already has one (one child policy in Agrabah, apparently), but hey, there's a servant job open! Young Jafar takes the gig, but after he speaks out of turn while serving a fancy meeting, Jafar's tiny son hilariously slaps him with his tiny 'lil baby hands a bunch of times and it's all very humiliating for Jafar. Then, less hilariously, the Sultan drowns young Jafar and has his body thrown in the garbage. Magic keeps Jafar alive and he later returns as a grown man with a serpent staff to bring doom to the palace. When he faces the Sultan we see that he is -- as we all suspected -- the man in Cyrus's neighboring cage. Jafar threatens his life and demands that he acknowledge him as his son, but the Sultan refuses and promises that he will never get that from him. It's unclear whether his refusal at that point is still a snooty classist thing or a Jafar-is-a-dick thing, but anyway, that's all out in the open now. This show thinks that was a HUGE reveal, by the way. They have no idea what they're doing.
Cyrus spends the episode passed out on a beach, but he wakes up at the end. Nice nap, Cyrus? You wanna maybe get off your ass and do something on this show before it's cancelled?
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!"Agrabah… many years ago" again. Young Jafar is at his mother's death bed, and things look grim. She has been a healer all her life, but sorry, Jafar, it is just her time now. Really? Because she looks about 36. Young Jafar wonders what he's supposed to do now that he's about to be an orphan, and she tells him he's actually in spectacular luck! His absent father is the Sultan, and she has an industrial-looking ring of his to prove it. She gives the ring to Jafar and dies, her spirit leaking out of her as a magical golden mist, which is a pretty dazzling way to die. Jafar cries. RIP Jafar's mom, Episode 107, Minute 1 to Episode 107, Minute 2.
In fictional Victorian England, Jafar is still wearing the Sultan's ring as he plays his con with Alice's father. Posing as a doctor from Bethlem, he tells the tales of Alice's arrival at the asylum, and how he could just tell by looking at her that she came from a loving home. First red flag right there, Alice's dad. He asks Jafar if he knows where Alice has gone, and Jafar decides to do a little show and tell with the White Rabbit, which means someone has pulled him out of a sack yet again, so: Drink! Alice's father is decidedly freaked out, but when Jafar tells him to come with him through a magical purple portal conjured by a cartoon rabbit, he's totally down. The White Rabbit does his thing, and they all jump through to Wonderland. So handy how those portals just KNOW exactly where and when you'd like to go, isn't it? Such intuitive design!
The trio land in Wonderland on Myst lane, where Jafar promptly dismisses the White Rabbit because money for a full episode of a CGI rabbit doesn't grow on cartoon trees. Alice's father looks around and thinks he must be hallucinating, which, yeah, buddy. Welcome to the experience of watching this show. Jafar assures him that it's all real, and very dangerous for a young girl to boot, so they must be off to find Alice. Alice's dad is like yeah, about that? I've always been a pretty shitty father, actually. I'm not sure she'll be psyched to see me. Owning it! As he talks, Jafar takes note of a few of his mannerisms for some caper antics down the line. Oh, and by the way, you can see floating islands in the distance over each of their shoulders, because this show is very into those things all of a sudden.
Alice and the Knave are on the Cyrus hunt. Alice is very confident about the ease of this journey to the floating island, until they walk about five steps further and come to a clearing where she can see how high up it is from the ground. "Oh my," she says. I really wish these characters could swear sometimes.
Red Queen time. An Aladdin Sane guard briefs her on their Cyrus hunt, which isn't going great. No sign of him anywhere. The Red Queen is so on edge that she lays out the details of her big plans to betray Jafar while he is standing right behind her. Oof. We're doing classic sitcom tropes now? When she realizes he's overheard her, she's sweet and contrite, but Jafar is surprisingly cool about all this instead of choking her like he does every other episode. She informs him that Cyrus has escaped and he futilely orders a man hunt, as if the Queen wouldn't have already done that. Jafar turns dark and threatens that even if she finds Cyrus and keeps him from him, she can't realize her "twisted dreams" without changing the Laws of Magic. Jafar believes he's the only one who can do that, but as far as I can tell he has about the same level of power that she does. The Red Queen seems to agree with me.
Jafar hurries to his Sex Cage Tower to examine the crime scene. He interrogates Jafar's neighbor for details, and he refuses to give them. He also gets in a pretty good dig about how Jafar is the one in the cage, not him. Sassy prisoner alert!
Jafar visits Alice's Father, who he has chained up in his storage closet office. Jafar draws his blood using an old rusty steampunk syringe, and mixes it up with some magic powder. The concoction produces a green mist, so you know it's working. Commercial!
Alice and the Knave are standing at the lake shore trying to figure out how to float across and up to the island they think Cyrus is still on. Hey, didn't a gossipy fairy just fly you two across a lake like four episodes ago? Neither of them mentions that, but they do find a very Wonderland-y solution in a tree with FLYING BARK. Good luck. I tried to make a beer bottle float using about 60 helium balloons this weekend, and no dice. This bark seems about as powerful, and those two weigh a lot more than an empty Labatt's.
Jafar's storage closet office. He's apparently been asking Alice's father an endless series of questions about himself, but when he asks whether he's right or left-handed, Alice's father has had enough and refuses to reveal this intimate detail. Jafar works around that by removing his restraints to see which arm he tries to punch him in the face with, which works. Satisfied that he has enough information, Jafar has Alice's father thrown in a sex cage.
Back in Agrabah, Young Jafar is taken to the Sultan for sentencing for a theft. Seems kind of small time for the Sultan to be dealing with, but OK. Young Jafar is sentenced to a chopped off hand, which is all according to his plan. Young Jafar raises his hand and the Sultan sees that his ring is on it. Father and son are reunited! But it's short-lived. The Sultan says he can't be his son because he already has one, and there's apparently a one son limit around here. But hey, there's a servant job open! Deflated, Young Jafar settles for the job.
Jafar finds Alice and the Knave at the lake, where they are plotting their idiotic plan to build a floating raft. Jafar stays out of sight and drinks the potion he made out of Alice's father's blood, which is nasty. The potion transforms Jafar into Alice's father, and he calls out for her. Father and daughter reunited! He tells her everything she's ever wanted to hear – you were right all along, I'm sorry I never believed you, can you ever forgive me?, etc. Alice is shocked. Imposter father hugs her and we see a sly Jafar smile behind her. You know, where the Knave is standing. Real smart, Jafar.
Imposter Father claims an "antiquities dealer" hooked him up with a magical mirror that got him to Wonderland, which of course the Knave corroborates as a method of traveling there. Alice is unmoved. She tells him he was always pretty shitty to her, and he abandoned her in a "madhouse" where he pretended she never existed. He's like, well, I'm trying now. Alice says it's too late. YEP. Don't budge on this, Alice. It's good to maintain a grudge against a person this terrible.
Flashback: Young Jafar is serving an important royal meeting. When the Sultan's heir proves to be a little dim, Young Jafar speaks out of turn and undermines the Prince. He also calls the Sultan "father," an even bigger problem. Then comes my favorite scene in the history of this show. The Prince enters Jafar's servant quarters and bitch slaps him several times with his little tiny baby Prince hands. It's hilarious. Boyfights! The Sultan interrupts their slap fight only to order the Prince to slap Jafar again. Haha! The Sultan taunts Jafar by making some speech to the Prince about how he's his only heir, and then he makes him slap Jafar again. This is great! He's so tiny and dressed up all fancy for all this slapping! Adorable.
Imposter father works on manipulating the Knave while Alice gathers sticks for her dumb floating raft. The Knave hands him a knife and spills all their secrets about Cyrus. He tells him to help her find her genie if he wants back in with Alice. Note to self: Never tell the Knave of Hearts anything.
Cyrus is lying passed out on the beach like 10 feet away from them, by the way. How great would it have been if he'd just died in that fall?
While Alice and the Knave assemble their bad idea raft, Imposter Father performs a spell in the sand that conjures up a fire-breathing dragon. It turns out to be a minor annoyance, as they all quickly take cover, Alice slashes the dragon with her sword and it immediately dies. I mean. This is storytelling at its FINEST. The brief danger has Jafar's intended effect, as Alice frets over her nearly burned alive father and a bond is formed.
Back in Agrabah, the Sultan shows up in Young Jafar's room again. This Sultan sure loves hanging around the servants' quarters, huh? The Sultan drowns Young Jafar in a bucket of water and has his body thrown out with the trash. That is dark! This show hates fathers the way American Horror Story hates mothers this season.
Sex Cage Tower. Alice's father says grace before enjoying his bowl of prison gruel, and his neighbor says some more cryptic things about how what Jafar really wants is something from him that he will never give. Like, we know he's the Sultan. We've known for a while. Out with it.
The Knave, Alice and Imposter Father have cooked the dragon over a fire and are enjoying a nice little BBQ. That comes to a screeching halt, however, when Imposter Father doesn't know that he's supposed to say grace, and Alice immediately knows that he's not who he says he is. Well. So much for that. At least they didn't drag this out over six episodes like they do with every other little thing. Alice pulls the Knave away and fills him in as they ditch him. Imposter Father knows something's up, summons his serpent staff and turns back into Jafar.
Young Jafar wakes up in the garbage like one of those sad, poorly euthanized puppies you read about. Looks like his mother's golden spirit mist rescued him. Can't wait for that to get in the way when Alice finally kills him in episode 13.
Jafar drags Alice's father out of his cage and tells him it's time to die. Alice and the Knave are hiking up a mountain when Jafar flies down from the floating island on his magic carpet, Alice's father in tow, screaming really weirdly. I don't think the actor had ever screamed in his life before filming this episode. Jafar jettisons him out over the water and tries to get Alice to use a wish on him. Facing certain death, Alice's father finally says all the things Imposter Father said to her, but, you know, more authentically. Alice tears up and forgives him. Ugh. He tells her Cyrus has escaped, the first helpful thing he ever did for her. Jafar drops him, and she uses a wish to get him out of Wonderland. Goddammit, Alice. Jafar flies away happy.
Despite all this being a massive fuck up, Alice actually feels great about everything. She has closure about her father, and she knows Cyrus escaped. Yeah, for now. But at this rate you'll lose your third wish by week.
Alice's father wakes up at home, on the same couch he used to make Alice sleep on. His bitch wife shows up and he starts talking crazy about Wonderland, hard core activating her side-eye. He tells her it was a dream, but his face tells a different story. Crazy's on the other foot now.
Flashback. A grown-up Jafar storms the palace, killing guards with his magic right and left. He finds the Sultan, and we see that, yes, he is the man in the Sex Cage Tower. Duh. Big music cues indicate that this is supposed to be a huge reveal, which is pretty laughable at this point. The Prince interrupts them and Jafar challenges him to an old-fashioned, magic-free fist fight. The prince runs away like a bitch, and Jafar strikes him down with magic. The Sultan screams that Jafar killed his son, and Jafar's like, uhh, over here? I'm your son too? Even with a knife to his throat, the Sultan still refuses to acknowledge Jafar as his son. Jafar promises that someday he will.
Back in the present, Jafar has brought the Sultan out of his cage for a chat. Jafar offers him a chance to acknowledge him again, and he refuses yet again. How often do they do this? It seems so monotonous. Jafar exposits that once he changes the Laws of Magic, he'll just force him to do it. So THAT'S what this is all about? All this Cyrus nonsense is just over Jafar's little daddy issues? Good god. Get some fucking therapy and save us all the trouble, man. The Sultan decides he's had enough and suicides off the platform into the abyss. The Magic Carpet catches him and throws him back in the cage, #SuicideFail.
We close with Cyrus waking up on the beach. Hope you enjoyed your nap, Cyrus. time stay asleep forever.
week: Our long national nightmare comes to an end when Alice and Cyrus finally find each other in the "winter finale," because this low-rated mess got pulled from the schedule until March.
Want to tweet about this poor, god-forsaken show with me? I am available at all times and spaces at @garnisheater. I am the White Rabbit of social media and so can you!