First off, I missed the first few of minutes of the episode due to a mad vacation-related scramble, and was thus forced to assume that the way twenty-four directors got whittled down to eighteen was actually addressed. That apparently was not the case, so my apologies for not mentioning the glaring omission. The good news about that is that it isn't likely to matter for very long, as last night's ratings were so far down they were looking wistfully up at the toilet. But we are still here, at least for now.
The sound is horrible at the beginning of the show, to the point where you can't even hear what the hostess is saying, and I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear that I think that's a mixed blessing. The credits show us each director's picture and name, and if you're listening, Mark Burnett, I can't keep track of this many people on Survivor, let alone here. Adrianna starts off by butchering Carrie's surname, and then we get a silly, boring, repetitive rundown of the films from the night before, the message of which is that women can't make films, and that it takes a discriminating filmmaker to pull off fart humor. They also tell us that "Getta Rhoom" was a hit with the audience members, which, given that those audience members sounded the same level of "here's a Quaalude; clap when the producers show you something shiny" after each film, you'll take as foreshadowing combined with some revisionist history. We then actually have to endure footage of the contestants drinking after the show in their shared space, and I might care about this if I knew any of their names. Probably not, but still. Phil was offended by Jason's short, since his little brother is disabled. They have an "I statement" discussion about it, segueing into a stupid segment of Adrianna asking live questions, and we get our first taste of "Well, the audience loved it" from Jason. He may not win many awards, but I can tell you he's taking home the first "Dead To Me" statuette of the season. Some people think they're going home, and some people pretend not to think they're going home. The contestants are divided into three tiers, each of which contains someone from the Top Three and someone who's going home, to wit:
Tier One: Zach (Danger Zone) was in the Top Three last night, and they show his short again, which means I can check out for a minute here. Carrie then goes off on a long, embarrassing speech about how Zach has to marry her daughter, and I don't know anything about her daughter, but I know about Postcards From The Edge, and given that, anything that even hints at a weird mother-daughter dynamic should maybe be shied away from. Following this, we get out of first gear for a minute: Cute Sam (Replication Theory), Shira-Lee (Check Out), and Trever (A Golf Story) are safe (and Adrianna's ripping off Ryan Seacrest here wholesale, even down to the fake-out lead-ups to the commercials, which is totally sucky and irritating). It's down to Carolina (Deliver Me) and Marty (The Big Bad Heist), and they have to twist in the wind while Adrianna horribly awkwardly plugs Ford and the Logline Challenge, and then finally Carolina is going home, which is stupid because Marty DIDN'T EVEN DO THE ASSIGNMENT. Garry Marshall won't shut up about how much he sucks, but Carolina at least gives herself a classy exit regardless.
Tier Two: Adam (Dance Man), David (File Size), and Hilary (Bus Number One) are safe (really, America? Hilary?), and then Will (Lucky Penny) is this tier's Top Three representative. So it's Kenny (Wack Alley Cab) and Claudia (Blind Date). These were both terrible, but Kenny's was far worse, so of course it's Claudia going home, but that's the right choice as far as keeping my annoyance level down. Streamers and balloons fall from the ceiling as Garry's prize for saying "my sister Penny" for the billionth time in his life, and how sad is it that he's giving all the rejectees their send-off? Claudia babbles about some feature that she and her friends are going to shoot. Don't threaten me, girl.
Tier Three: Andrew (Spaced Out) Shalini (Love In The Year 2007), and Mateen (Soft) are safe, and Jason (Getta Rhoom) is in the Top Three, which is even more an indictment of American society than his tasteless film was, especially since that means they're SHOWING IT AGAIN. Phil hugs Jason big, so apparently their touchy-feely Working Out Their Issues segment was a huge success; Carrie insults her daughter yet again and America in general, and then it's Phil (...Please Hold) and Jessica (How To Screw In A Light Bulb) on the chopping block, and after yet ANOTHER commercial, Phil is rather cruelly eliminated. DJ at least gives him the sendoff, and a nice one at that. But oh my God, this episode both sucked and blew; other than the eliminations, we didn't get a shred of new content that anyone would care about, right down to the fact that we don't even have any idea what the assignment is. Which is just possibly a subtle indication of something, because who needs this?
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