Candid Cameras

S09E18

Trailers for the documentary that's been shooting for the last nine years have been posted online, and everyone's really excited about it. That is, until they discover that it includes a lot of footage they never knew the cameras were capturing, and they start freaking out. Stanley's concerned about his latest infidelities coming to light, while Angela and Oscar are both worried about the effect their filmed actions will have on the Senator. And Andy does the stupidest thing he's ever done -- which is saying something -- but when I tell you that he's basing his entire self-image on Internet comments about himself you are sure to agree. As for Pam, she's mostly just nostalgic about seeing images of the old Jim she used to love before he became an absentee husband with good hair.

Jim and Darryl take a meeting with Ryan Howard -- the Phillies player, not the former temp -- and he turns out to be an even more deluded idiot than his namesake, forcing them to take part in a table read of his autobiographical/superhero screenplay that features Darth Vader. Jim doesn't seem to enjoy this nearly as much as he once enjoyed a similar experience with a screenplay by one Michael Scott, so clearly he really has changed.

The father of Dwight's new girlfriend, Esther, wants to enter in a tractor-sharing agreement with him. Clark flirts with Esther's sisters, only to realize when they suggest buying an auger with them that the farm girls must be a honey-trap designed to score daddy some new equipment. Clark alerts Dwight that he's being conned, but then Esther tells Dwight how her dad was planning to screw him, so it looks as though she likes him after all. Even though he's still not getting a spinoff.

Pam goes to her friend Brian the ex-sound man to find out what they got and finds out that was… basically everything. She's pretty pissed at first, but by the end she seems to realize that it may be the only way she's going to get the old Jim back. One way or another.

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Phyllis is at her desk with earbuds in, leaning back with her eyes closed and an expression on her face that's... well, "dreamy" doesn't quite cover it. Pam and Clark TH that she's been listening to the audiobook of Fifty Shades of Grey, and we cut back to Phyllis rocking back and forth in her chair, bumping up against the back of Dwight's as she grinds away. The others debate what to do, with Meredith's solution being, "Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish." Instead, they all go into Andy's office, where Dwight reports to Andy that "Phyllis is masturbating in the office right now as we speak." They explain to Andy what book it is, which Andy declares "Muy caliente." Seeing Andy is going to be no help Dwight stomps out and dumps a bucket of cold water over Phyllis's head. "It's okay, guys, she's no longer horny," he reports. Andy confiscates her iPod. And then we cut to him sitting with it himself, all turned on at his own desk, until he too is doused from off-screen. That is one rugged iPod.

Dwight asks Clark for some relationship advice regarding Esther, the neighboring farm girl he's currently courting, and how after only three dates her dad wants to lease a tractor with him. Clark acts like this is happening to all his friends, and Angela, who has overheard, says she's sure Esther has "kind eyes." It's clear from her TH that she's already written Esther off as some horsey-looking she-rube.

Pam's on the phone to Jim in Philly, and things seem a little awkward between them. She wonders how he ended up having a pitch meeting scheduled with Ryan Howard, of all people, and Jim clarifies that it's the Phillies' first baseman, not their former coworker. Eventually the conversation dies like a plucked flower.

Everyone's gathered around Oscar's computer so they can watch a trailer for some new TV series called The Office: An American Workplace. Even cobbled together from clips of better seasons and featuring Michael Scott, it doesn't look like anything that anyone outside this room would watch. It was obviously made by people who make sitcoms, not documentary trailers. Kevin THs, "This is a documentary? Ohhh, I always thought we were, like, specimens in a human zoo." You know what? Kevin's theory actually makes more sense.

After the initial excitement has died down, Angela's at her desk watching the part of the promo that shows Dwight playing grab-ass with her in the break room, one frame at a time. Pam's focusing on the clip of her and Jim's younger selves having their picnic on the roof that one night. "You fell in love with that hair?" Clark snickers, looking over her shoulder. I always wondered the same thing. "Wasn't so bad," Pam mutters. Andy comes out, all thrilled about having read one of the comments about his banjo playing. Everyone thinks he's being an excitable dork, but I say that finding a positive comment about oneself on an online video site is like winning the lottery.

Ryan Howard -- the real one, not the fictional one -- steps off the elevator at Athlead and greets Jim, Darryl and the camera with the Subway slogan, "Eat fresh," so clearly he's not averse to sponsorship. This should go smoothly.

Dwight comes into the kitchen looking for a snack for Esther before she arrives, which allows Angela to make some more horse jokes. Erin comes in, telling Dwight he has guests. "I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper?" Angela follows Dwight out gleefully. At least until she gets a load of the whole Bruger family, which continues to be made up mostly of hot daughters. They have Clark's attention, for sure, and Angela's having a hard time continuing to TH about Esther's unattractiveness with any degree of conviction.

In the kitchen, Pam remarks to Stanley about how much some of them have changed since that promo footage was shot. "We've all changed," Stanley says, looking exactly the same as nine years ago as he takes a bite out of a giant pretzel.

Jim and Darryl's meeting with Ryan Howard is taking a bizarre turn, as he talks about wanting to be an actor (hence the whole "eat fresh" thing) and busts out three bound copies of his half-superhero, half autobiographical screenplay. Seems he wants to do a table read on the spot.

Andy's running a "media training" for everyone when Oscar excitedly comes in and announces that there's a Danish version of the promo online now. They all go watch that one, made up of different clips with a voice-over that sounds like the Swedish chef. Seriously, The Office writers, have you really not noticed that trailers don't have voice-over narration anymore? Y'all used to be so good at knowing when things were over. I know because you'd then have Michael do them. Anyway, Oscar uses his phone to translate some of the narration that describes Kevin as "Dumpster Man" and Angela as "Three PM Girl." She doesn't know what that means, until it gets up to a clip of her and Dwight exiting their warehouse hideaway while getting dressed again. Obviously she's shocked that a moment like that ended up on camera, and everybody else realizes that filming was going on even when they didn't know. They all look at each other in horror, and then at the camera shooting them right now. O hai, idiots.

After the ads, they're all discussing the realization that half the show looks like it's secret footage. Meredith says she's a very private person just before flashing her pixelated tits. Oscar snaps at Erin because he's as freaked out as anyone, if not more so. As he THs, "I have been very honest with you guys in a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. You're not going to use any of that, are you?" Andy is still excited about more positive Internet comments, but the others decide to take "a little walk."

So there's some more of that secret camera footage of everyone "wandering" down to the warehouse and turning off their microphones so they can have a private conversation between the shelves. Which the camera is filming them right through anyway. Plus there's audio of them discussing how to find out what footage the camera people got. Pete suggests Pam go see her friend Brian the ex-sound guy to find out. "I need to know how much hellfire's going to rain down on me," Stanley says. Phyllis thought Teri knew about Cynthia. "She does, but neither of them know about Lydia," he says. Clearly they've all learned their lesson about discretion.

Outside, Clark is clowning around on a tractor with the Bruger daughters, while their dad tries to hard-sell Dwight into paying 60 percent. Dwight resists, but quickly folds when Mr. Bruger threatens to repossess Esther. Meanwhile, Clark finds himself being invited to buy an auger with the other girls. Maybe this really is more common than he thought.

Stanley calls home, telling whoever's there that the TV repairman says they need to leave the television off for a few months. Better unplug their internet and friends while he's at it. And Andy's getting completely caught up in the comments, taking the time to type and post answers to both his admirers and the haters like "TexasPoonTappa." He's taking the haters pretty hard, apparently unaware of what haters gonna do (spoiler: hate).

Outside, Clark interrupts Dwight's discussion of the paperwork to privately warn him that he's being conned into buying Esther's dad a tractor. "These chicks are way too hot to be into us." He tells Dwight how the other sisters wanted Clark to buy an auger with them. "Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?" Dwight asks curiously. Mr. Bruger asks if Dwight's ready to sign, and Dwight stalls by dragging Clark out of the shot.

Pam shows up at Brian's apartment, and a camera shoots them through his patio door -- with fantastic audio, of course -- as he ushers her onto the patio and brings them a couple of beers. Clearly she has learned nothing.

In the stairwell, Angela asks Oscar how much they got of him and the senator, and Oscar says they caught them kissing on Halloween. "He was dressed like Ronald Reagan!" Angela says in horror over such sacrilege. She slaps Oscar, who says he kissed like Jack Kennedy. Soon they're arguing about which of them needs to call and warn him.

At Brian's place, Pam is trying to bring up the group's concerns about the footage, but instead she finds herself talking about moments like her and Jim on the roof, and that time they shared a pair of earbuds, and she suddenly blurts, "Do you think Jim's changed?" Brian's a little thrown by the question, but he manages to assure her that she isn't crazy. Pam: "Well, I wish that made me feel better." With that covered, Pam asks the big question of how much they got on everyone. "Pretty much everything," Brian breezes. Even when they turn off their mic packs, he says they can pick them up with parabolic mics a hundred yards away. "If you were around there, they got you." "So we basically had no privacy for ten years?" Pam asks. Brian starts trying to explain, but she ends up storming out and slamming the door. I'm not a lawyer, but I kind of want to read the releases these people must have signed. Clearly they never did.

By M. Giant

The table read continues of Ryan Howard's screenplay, which makes Threat Level Midnight look like a masterpiece of gritty realism in comparison. Jim tries to move on to the actual business, but Ryan Howard insists they continue because they've gotten to the part with Darth Vader. Which reminds him, they'll have to get him the rights to Darth Vader. I should point out that Darryl's enjoying this a lot more than Jim is.

Dwight is realizing that Clark must be right, with Esther being a ten and all and his personal best being Angela, a nine. "A Scranton nine," Clark qualifies. Clark suggests they go out and score a couple of fours; "There are no games with fours." This is getting pretty gross as they venture rather further into tractor metaphors, but fortunately they're interrupted by Esther, who bursts in to tell Dwight that her dad is secretly planning to lease the tractor out on weekends. Dwight realizes that if she's telling him this, she must actually like him. "You didn't think I was just tractor-bait, did you?" she asks, and they laugh about it. I'm glad someone's laughing. In light of this new development, Clark is suddenly curious about what an auger does. As I understand it, basically what you want to do to Esther's sisters, Clark.

By M. Giant

Angela and Oscar are in the conference room together, calling the senator on the speakerphone and ending up leaving a panicked message for him on his voice mail. They're all cheery and chipper about how great he looks in the promo. "Hey, I get the sense you're going to be outed as gay," Oscar chirps, and Angel adds equally pleasantly, "And I cheated on you with Dwight, it looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it." And then they hang up. That wasn't so bad.

Andy is now posting videos of himself playing the banjo in his office to silence the negative commenters. Nellie watches it from her desk and gets up to leave almost before Andy can read the comment from TexasPoonTappa in response, "you suck my nutz," and reacts worse than he did when Erin dumped him. Over at Pam's desk, she's rewatching the clip of herself and Jim with the earbuds. Then she THs, "I hope you got sound on everything. I'd love a DVD of that." Back at her desk, she translates a key word from the anachronistic Danish voice-over narration as "lovers." And speaking of which, Dwight drives his new tractor -- or half-tractor -- with Esther to him, her head on his shoulder, both of them oblivious to the furiously honking traffic backed up on the road behind them.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.