Up-Schruted

S09E17

Dwight's ancient Aunt Shirley has died, and nobody from the office is invited to the funeral except Oscar, out of spite and to serve as our guide through the Schrute of it all. At the gravesite, Dwight is revealed to have siblings: an accidental pot-farmer brother named Jeb and a pretentious single mom named Fanny. When Aunt Shirley's last will and testament is played for the family on VHS, she expresses her disappointment in the prodigal Schrutes, and says that if they come back home, she'll leave her very large farm to Dwight, Fanny, and Jeb. Dwight's the only one who likes the idea at first, but after a bit of campaigning, flirting with a farm girl named Esther, and bonding with his young nephew, he manages to talk his siblings into taking on the farm. It looks like the beginning of a whole series, which it was of course intended to be, but since there wasn't a laugh in the entire thing it's probably just as well that it didn't get picked up.

At the office -- and don't ask me why everyone's working on a Saturday -- Todd Packer returns, announcing that he's in the "making amends" stage of his various twelve-step programs. He's brought gourmet cupcakes from the fancy place in the mall and most of the employees seem inclined to forgive and forget at the sight of them, but Pam talks everyone into staying strong and rejecting Packer's weak gesture of apology. At least until he leaves, whereupon everyone but Pam immediately digs in and Packer tells us that he drugged the cupcakes to the gills in revenge for getting fired. Pam shows up the morning having decided to eat her cupcake after all, only to find everyone miserable and hung over after a night filled with moments from Fear and Loathing in Scranton. And yet they all still made it into work today. On a Sunday, no less. And then Packer delivers cupcakes to Darryl and Jim in Philadelphia. That's about it.

Seriously, though, I'm sadder about the death of Aunt Shirley than I am about the death of The Farm.

Dressed like a chimney sweep, Dwight jumps on the elevator with Creed, whose sharp eyes don't miss a thing. "New glasses," he observes. When Dwight arrives at the office, Erin calls him a ridiculous, fancy clown, and Dwight solemnly explains that per the Schrute code, he's dressed in mourning costume for his now-late Aunt Shirley. Jim asks about the two small pails that Dwight's carrying, and Dwight explains that he's giving out invitations or non-invitations to the funeral on Saturday in the form of a handful of red or black dirt, respectively, tossed in the face. Everyone gets black dirt in the face, except one person in Accounting. No, not Angela, but Oscar, who unwisely let slip that he has a personal training session the day of the funeral. Oscar carping-heads about how he's not even that close to Dwight, having known him only twelve years. "Time is a son of a bitch," he realizes. Jim is last and for him, Dwight mixes the dirt with coffee from Pam's mug to make a gross mud ball, which he winds up with, giving a scream that gets cut off by the credits right before he throws it. So Jim got it worst, but Krasinski gets it best. Well, after Wilson, that is.

Dwight's waiting on the front porch at Schrute Farms while Mose plucks his guitar. Dwight's other cousin Zeke rolls up to drive them to the funeral, but Mose gives it a pass, asking, "Will there be ghosts there?" Neither Zeke nor Dwight will suffer the indignity of riding in the sidecar, so Dwight ends up driving while Zeke rides on the back. At the graveyard, which appears to be on Schrute family property, Dwight is surprised to see Oscar, until Oscar reminds him of the red dirt. Dwight smirks at the memory, probably a sign that he made all that up in the first place. A red Mustang with its horn honking drives right up to the open grave and the front wheel falls into the hole. The driver would be Dwight's previously nonexistent brother Jeb, who grins, "Look what I did!" When he gets out, he says it's a rental and promptly drops the keys into the grave. Dwight hugs him and they're soon grappling at the edge of the grave, threatening to throw each other in. You sure you want to be bringing up the topic of things that should be in graves, The Office?

At the office -- and don't ask me why everyone's there on a Saturday -- Todd Packer walks in and tells Erin it's "nice to see those shiny little Chinese eyes of yours." Clark asks Pam, "Who's this guy?" and all Pam can manage to answer is, "Bad." He announce that he's here because he's in recovery -- step eight of AA, step nine of NA, and thus he is here to make amends. He says he's been a jerk and doesn't expect them to accept his apology, "But I'd love it if you did." Kevin unilaterally accepts, to the horror of everyone else. Getting more specific, Packer starts by apologizing to Pam for objectifying her breasts, and to her breast as well. He apologizes to Phyllis and "all you double-XLs. Stanley, Kevin. This kid in a few years," meaning Clark. Pam points out that he's just insulting them in the form of apologies. Packer gets a little flustered and says it's more about the amends anyway, so he brought everyone cupcakes from the gourmet shop at the Steamtown Mall. He hands them out, but Pam tells everyone not to eat them until after they've had a private conversation in the conference room. And by "private" she means everyone but Packer.

At the funeral, the German-accented preacher is explaining how they're here to "join this woman... and the ground." Speaking of which, Jeb starts a whispered argument with Dwight about how this location has crap soil and nothing is going to grow here. Dwight hisses back that he's fine with that, since it's not like they're trying to grow zombies. At the preacher's invitation, Dwight begins the family remembrances: "You had black hair and then gray hair." Zeke says something about her height and Oscar discreetly whispers to the camera, "They're a descriptive people." Glad you could make it, Oscar. Dwight's sister Fanny shows up with a bespectacled young son whose dead-fish handshake repulses Dwight, and the arrivals are a pickup truck with five women riding in the back, driven by a neighbor named Henry. Dwight says hi to one of the women -- a blonde named Esther -- who says they were passing through anyway. Dwight flirts with her awkwardly, and Henry asks whether Shirley's height and land size were mentioned. To cover the latter, he removes his hat and respectfully says, "Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area, sharing borders with six other farms, including my own farm and your nephew Dwight's." With that vital bit of exposition duly delivered, he drives off. The preacher presents Fanny with a ceremonial shotgun, but she wants no part of it. Dwight THs, "We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers and when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness." With that, Dwight is tossed the shotgun. He catches it, kicks the lid off Aunt Shirley's pine box on the ground, and starts firing. "That's it for me," Oscar says after the second of at least three blasts. Well, at least now we know how this episode got a V rating.

In the conference room, Pam is telling the others that they can't let Packer buy them off like this, saying they wouldn't even be considering it if the cupcakes were from the supermarket. Creed knows the exact price of Packer's cupcakes off the top of his addled head, unlike everything else, and he THs that he never forgets numbers. Unlike names, faces and places. "I guess that's why I'm an accountant," says the quality control guy.

While everyone is in the conference room, Clark introduces himself to Packer, who is sitting at Dwight's desk. Packer apologizes for calling Clark a fat little runt earlier. "You didn't actually say that," Clark points out, and Packer explains that he's now apologizing for the thoughts in his head. And with that, he offers Clark a cupcake. Inside the conference room, Stanley points out that Packer has been punished before; after all, they sent him to Florida as a prank and Nellie fired him. Pam points out that it's all about the cupcakes, which they all agree on. "Packer can go to hell," Phyllis concludes.

Back at the house, the family is assembled to watch a farewell video from Aunt Shirley. "I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong," she says on the TV. "You've all disappointed me greatly." She calls Fanny "a single mama in the city," and Jeb a "street pusher." Jeb explains in a TH on the porch how he bought what he thought was a worm farm from a Californian and is now in "pain management," or the smoking thereof. Dwight THs about his own disappointment in Jeb, who he says could have grown anything in the world, like his dreams for a peanut/grape hybrid: "One plant, one sandwich." Shirley's video goes on to say that Dwight, Fanny and Jeb can have her farm if they all come home. At this revelation, Dwight has to sit down.

Afterwards, Dwight tells Fanny and Jeb that he's in and they should do this. Fanny goes on to her brothers (and her son) about the lack of sophistication in farm life and the "willing ignorance" of the men. Her TH reveals that -- funny you should ask -- she has written some poetry. And she reaches into her purse to show off the one that's been published (it's a printed web page) entitled "Willing Ignorance." As for Jeb, he "jokes" to Fanny's kid that the people here are like a fart. Dwight suggests they stay a couple of nights to and think about it, and when Fanny doesn't even want to do that, Dwight tries to intimidate her with a loud countdown from five. But when he reaches zero, Zeke yells "Absolutely!" which is the first time anyone knew he was here. Zeke THs about the challenges of growing up with Dwight and Mose. "Dwight was obviously the cool one and Mose was the visionary, which left me to be the comedian." Dwight tries counting down again, but in French this time, which actually works on her.

Cut to Dwight and a family band playing folk music on the porch steps for Fanny and a few others. Dwight THs about the power of nostalgia and how it's one of humanity's greatest weaknesses, along with the neck. While they're playing, Dwight drops a couple of small black items on the step in front of Esther, who is sitting on the step above him playing an accordion. Fanny THs about the Schrute custom in which men throw crow beaks at women they want to court, and if the woman is interested she destroys the beaks. After a moment of alleged suspense, Ester sticks her foot out and crushes the beaks while Fanny watches. That's not the only thing getting crushed tonight.

Packer's personal apology to Meredith is for screwing her. Meredith says she isn't sorry about it. "I am," Packer says. "It was my rock bottom." Phyllis and Kevin are both completely mesmerized by the cupcakes on their desks, despite Pam's valiant yet not remotely funny attempts to distract the latter by talking about Skyfall. Packer finally takes his leave of the office, but outside THs that he's in fact on step zero of his twelve-step plan, which is "have a shitload of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs. Some legal, some not. Some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pack-Man and expect to get away with it," he concludes, sitting on the back of his Corvette with the familiar WLHUNG license plate. Still a William Hung fan, I see. Ah, the days when this show had jokes.

Up in the bullpen, Pam is congratulating everyone on their willpower, only to see that they've all tucked in. "Oh my God, I forgive him so much," Andy says, transported by the deliciousness of his cupcake. Kevin just about chokes on his, loudly, rejecting all offers of help and finally going limp, saying, "Oh, that was fantastic." Man, I didn't need to see that.

Dwight and his young nephew go out to the chicken barn after dark to collect eggs. It's almost touching. Dwight then ties a goat to a milking frame, (though the boy mistakes them for a guillotine and a cow, respectively), then starts milking. He gives the kid a chance but soon takes over again because "you suck at this." Dwight wonders if his father ever taught him anything. "I never met him," the kid says. And we all know about the father-hole that's been in Dwight's heart all season. I actually didn't mean that to come out so gross.

Pam shows up at the office the morning (working Saturday and Sunday now?), fresh and perky and announcing that after much consideration and discussion, she's decided to eat her cupcake, which was still in her drawer. She's failed to notice that everyone in the bullpen is miserable. I don't think anybody would have objected to their calling in sick over the weekend. "Packer laced the cupcakes," Clark moans. Phyllis explains her doll-fest that lead to her spending thousands on American Girl outfits online. Nellie and Stanley both clogged the toiled (Stanley four times), and Clark says he went Christmas caroling and peed in some bushes, so it wasn't his best night... but also not his worst. Andy and Kevin just exchange a horrified look and there's a washed-out flashback to the two of them having a two-man party in the office the night before, which started with arm-wrestling and then crying in each other's arms and then exchanging clothes, as they slowly claim to have both had a normal night and not seen each other at all. Pam decides that Packer is the worst human ever -- like that's news -- and is about to throw her cupcake away, but Kevin takes it from her despite everything. "I understand, Pam," he says. "I understand." What I don't understand is how it never occurred to anyone that Packer wouldn't have drugged the cupcakes before now.

And in Philly, Packer gives Darryl and Jim their cupcakes in individual boxes. Jim offers his own apology, but Packer says he's over it, cutting a naughty look at the cameras.

Dwight is saying goodbye to Fanny, but when she witnesses the firm handshake that transpires between her brother and her son, she apparently changes her mind. Cut to the three Schrute siblings climbing a hill to look over the land, and Jeb says this is a far cry from a nine-acre worm farm. "Whoever's managing this thing is going to have a hell of a job," he says. "Not it." Fanny quickly echoes the sentiment. Dwight, firmly and proudly: "It." Walking back to the house, Dwight warns Fanny about her son, "If he doesn't put in some farm time he's going to stay like that." And that was the beginning and the end of The Farm. Man, did we dodge a bullet or what?

By M. Giant

And in Philly, Packer gives Darryl and Jim their cupcakes in individual boxes. Jim offers his own apology, but Packer says he's over it, cutting a naughty look at the cameras.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.

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