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S09E19

The elevator is down for maintenance, so when Stanley finally makes it up the stairs to the office, he's not about to leave again for a scheduled sales call with Dwight. Having finally accepted that he's never going to be manager anyway, Dwight tags Stanley with a salvo of tranquilizer darts and gets Clark to help him drag the unconscious salesman back downstairs, into his car, and all the way into the client's office, where the three of them somehow close the deal despite Stanley being a total space case as he slowly recovers from the effects of the drug. Then when they return to the office, Stanley still refuses to negotiate the stairs while conscious, so he avails himself of a leftover dart and waits to wake up at his desk.

There's also some further documentary fallout. Andy, both realizing the impending revelations of the documentary mean he's not long for the company and emboldened by a reviewer's throwaway mention of his musical talent, decides to go find a talent agent and kick off a new career in showbiz. Believe it or not, he actually finds one willing to take him on. Even better, she's played by Roseanne, and she only charges him five grand up front.

Angela's husband the (state) senator sees the writing on the wall and decides to hold what she thinks will be one of those damage-control press conferences with his devoted wife at his side. So she ends up standing to him on live TV (with the others watching back at the office) as he comes out as gay, thanks Oscar publicly by name and announces that he's in love with his chief of staff.

As for Jim and Pam, they're at enough of an impasse with this Philly thing that they're about to start couples counseling. They spend the day warming up for it by talking the ears off of Toby and Nellie respectively, but as things stand now, Pam is refusing to go and Jim is refusing to stay. And now they only have four or five episodes left to work it out. Not that anyone's counting.

Stanley is uncharacteristically cheerful as he enters the building for the day, but that ends in a hurry as he is horrified to see the elevator down for maintenance. Erin follows him inside and happily leads him to stairwell, saying it's "Stairmageddon." She's all excited about it, as she is about everything. Apparently Dwight has been spending lots of prep time getting people ready, complete with informative posters on how to operate stairs and even a small practice flight set up in the bullpen. Now the big day is here, and Erin is coaxing Stanley up step by painful step, while Oscar THs, "Our office has an unusually large number of... unusually large people." Thus the need for cardiovascular effort must be compared to the end of time.

After some truncated credits, Andy enters the bullpen all "Red alert!" about a text from his brother notifying him about a review of the documentary in the local paper. Dwight points out that they're already at red alert because of Stairmageddon, and wonders if they should up it to double-red. Meanwhile, Stanley appears to have ascended another step, with the help of a 5-hour ENERGY.

Up in the bullpen, everyone's reading the online version of the review that describes Kevin as "Falstaffian;" Dwight as always chasing a manager position he'll never get; and Andy as a manager whose incompetence is emblematic of the economy, though Andy asks for a printout when it mentions his musical talent. From his office, Andy THs that he's probably not long for the company now that the documentary is coming out, which is fine; "I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb." Erin reads on about a "lurid subplot" involving a hypocritical public figure in a gay affair. She figures it's Katie Couric, but a couple of other people in the office appear to know better. Stanley finally shows up, looking like he just ran a marathon, and Dwight says they need to go on a sales call together. He tries to make it an order, but Stanley yells right back that Dwight isn't his boss and never will be. And Stanley wasn't even here for the reading of the review.

Nellie overhears a call from Pam setting up her mom to babysit, and fishes for more information about the Halperts' exciting plans for the evening. Pam's cagey, so it's not really a surprise when we cut to the two of them outside, just after Pam has confided to Nellie that they're going to marriage counseling. "That is the only kind of counseling I have never had," Nellie says.

Jim waits until Pete leaves the annex to go visit Toby and pick his brain about the Flenderson divorce, which Jim assumes was preceded by counseling. He lets slip that he and Pam are about to start counseling of their own, and Toby mutters to himself that "Kelly called it -- 2013." Toby rudely kicks Clark out when he wanders in, but Jim doesn't seem encouraged. And then, from his office, Andy calls the William Morris Agency, but apparently gets shut down as hard as Clark just did.

Outside, Angela is ushered into the back of a town car, where her husband is waiting for her. He says they'll have a joint press conference later today, and Angela promises to be The Good Wife.

Dwight goes into Andy's office, only to find him on hold with another talent agency. Even so, Andy's not too busy to back up Dwight on Stanley's need to go on that sales call. "By whatever means possible?" Dwight asks. Getting the answer he wants, he leaves Andy to pursue his search for representation via phone menu tree. Dwight THs that he's been denying his instincts for five years because he wanted to be made manager, but it may be time to let that go. This as we see him go out to his car and put together a tranquilizer gun. Armed with this, he finds Stanley in the break room and says he's going on the sales call one way or another. "Can you just let me out of here before whatever comes ?" Clark stammers. Dwight reassures both Clark and the camera, "It's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker." Stanley starts to lecture Dwight, and Dwight pulls the trigger. At which point Stanley charges, and it takes two more darts to bring Stanley down. "It's all right, Andy approved it," Dwight tells Clark as he holsters his weapon.

After the ads, Meredith has joined them in the break room and squeezes a stray dart into her coffee as Clark frets that Stanley took a dose intended for an animal as much as "two or three times his size." Dwight says they have 45 minutes before he comes to, and tells Clark to grab Stanley's feet. An undetermined amount of time and attempts later, they've managed to slide him a few inches towards the door. "He's like a manatee," Dwight gasps. "No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain." Really enjoying all the fat jokes right now. After banging Stanley's head into the door frame, Clark suggests a wheelbarrow. Eventually they get him into the best thing--a wheeled office chair--and drag him to the top of the stairs. Dwight rather endearingly admits to Clark that this is his first time doing this, though he's rehearsed it in his head a thousand times. "I know: Evel Knievel," he suddenly says. Cut to him and Clark encasing the unconscious Stanley in bubble wrap with a helmet strapped to his head, with cardboard spread out over the steps. While Dwight is trying to talk Clark into going down to catch him, Stanley eventually slides down all by himself, head-first on his back, until his helmet puts a dent in the drywall at the bottom of the landing. Dwight takes this damage to his property pretty well, conceding that Clark made the right call. Clark suggests calling a doctor, but Dwight just slides down the cardboard ramp after Stanley.

Jim and Toby's discussion has moved to the break room. Toby explains that the couples therapist just generally acts as a facilitator to help them talk to each other. Outside, Pam is telling Nellie about how Jim took the job in Philly without telling her in the first place, which still rankles. And so does buying their house without telling her, though I seem to recall she was pretty happy about that at the time. Inside, Jim justifies his unilateral ways to Toby, while Pam tells Nellie that Jim makes all these decisions and she's left playing catch-up. Jim tells Toby that Pam just needs to hang on a little longer, but when Toby asks how long that might be, Jim doesn't have an answer. Which is pretty big damn hole in his argument of you ask me.

Erin puts a handy flatscreen TV up on the Reception desk so everyone can watch the senator's press conference. He's at a podium with Angela at his side, and Andy's not reacting well to what he sees as a sign that she's the first one to get famous. In fact, he seems to have forgotten all of his anger management training as he kicks over a wastebasket. On the tube, the senator decides to address the rumors about his sexuality head-on, puts his arm around his long-suffering wife, and announces to the press, "I am gay." Oscar starts an abortive round of applause, while reporters start asking the senator if he was always gay or his wife made him that way, and another shouts out, "Question for the senator's beard!" Clearly this is not what Angela was expecting.

After the ads, the senator is still on the TV, going on at unnecessary and wife-embarrassing length about his sexuality while she's looking increasingly disgusted to him. Robert gives a thank-you to Oscar by name, and Erin is amazed that Oscar is with the Senator too. Kevin does a lengthy victory lap over knowing about that before anyone and still managing to keep the secret. Robert finally announces that he's in love... with his chief of staff, Wesley Silver. "Wesley Silver's gay?" Creed gasps. Everyone watches as a bearded dude on the TV steps up to the podium and kisses the senator on the lips while Angela begins to dry-heave.

Dwight and Clark roll the still-bubble-wrapped Stanley across the parking lot and up to Dwight's' Trans Am. Clark wants to take the bubble wrap off, but Dwight says it's the only thing preventing Stanley's suit from wrinkling. "If only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge," Clark says.

By M. Giant

Andy has finally located an agent -- Carla Fern, right here in Scranton, who works out of an office over a strip mall. In the waiting room, he chats with a dude (played by Paul Feig) who has an animal act with a cat sitting on top of a dog, and a mouse sitting on top of the cat, and a hat on top of the mouse. "You go through a lot of mice," he admits to Andy.

Dwight and Clark now painfully wrestle an inert Stanley into the car seat. Clark thinks his part in is over, but Dwight makes him get in the back seat. On their way out, Dwight waves at Hank the security guard, who has been watching impassively from a café table near the door this whole time.

Outside the client's office building, Stanley seems to be coming around, but despite being in the best mood we've seen him in since Pretzel Day, he's uselessly spacey. So Dwight tells Clark that he's going to have to be Stanley Hudson. "Isn't the client, like, best friends with his sister?" Clark points out. Dwight: "New plan: we get him a cup of coffee and go back to the old plan." With that, they heave him up out of the car.

Pam lays it out for Nellie: she's sure Athlead is going to be huge, but she doesn't want Jim to do it any more. "I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving my family to Philly." Inside, Jim tells Toby, "If Pam says she won't go, then we're going to need a lot more than counseling." Like a deus ex machina, maybe? As late in the season as it is, I'm sure a handy one will be along soon.

So then Nellie and Toby sit in the kitchen and commiserate over their totally exhausting experiences today. "They deserve each other," Nellie says. "That is for sure." The Halperts walk to their car together. Jim puts a hand on Pam's shoulder, but she doesn't respond as she walks around to her side of the car.

In the client's office, Clark and Dwight are struggling to keep Stanley upright even as he giggles and wobbles like a Real World cast member aslosh with Long Island iced teas. It's going south until Stanley's eyes light on a baby picture and the client melts. Afterwards, the three Dunder Mifflin employees walk out celebrating, Stanley delivering Clark an ill-aimed high-five that nearly flattens him. As Clark guides him to the car in the background, Dwight THs that he may never be manager, "But I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients. And I must say, it's the most pleasant I've ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis." Maybe wait until the elevator's fixed.

By M. Giant

Andy is finally in with the agent, who's played by none other than Roseanne. In a Cockney accent, Andy says he can sing, dance, play banjo, and do a "pretty good British accent" as he goes back to his normal voice. She asks if he can drive. "At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here," he says. "Can you juggle and crap?" she asks. "Yes. And yes," he answers. She asks if he'd be willing to dress as a clown and take some pies to the face at a birthday party. Andy is reluctantly willing to pay those dues. When she warns him that she's about to be honest with him, he thinks the interview is over, but she says they're taking him on as a client. Andy is beyond thrilled, and she actually says they're excited to be working with him too. "Pay Todd on your way out," she says. Oops. Andy ends up writing a check for five grand, which doesn't include headshots. And he's in desperate need of a head shot if you ask me. "Still getting a bargain, though," he Andy says cheerfully as the camera pans over to the still-waiting animal act, which now consists of a dog, a cat, and a tiny little hat.

Walking back into the office park, Stanley seems to have it back together, though he's surprised to hear they closed the deal. Inside, Dwight briefly forgets about Stairmaggedon, which Stanley's not up for again. "You got me down, you gotta get me back up," he tells Dwight With that, he snatches a tranq dart out of Dwight's pocket, sticks it in his thigh, and sinks slowly to the floor so that he will experience nothing else until it's all over. Even with only a month left of the show, how I envy him right now.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.