Michael Nott

S09E16

David Wallace doesn't fire Andy for being AWOL for three months, but it's not going to take much more after this. Andy's got bigger things to worry about, though; his grief over being dumped by Erin. He snoops around on her phone and that's how he finds out she's dating Pete, which he unsurprisingly does not take well. In fact, he tries to fire Pete and gets pretty mad when Toby won't let him. Then Pete and Erin give Andy a little lecture about how they know this is hard for him, but he needs to move on. And yes, Andy's a jerk, but maybe that speech could have waited a day… or maybe even an hour. Andy doesn't take it lying down, though; he hires Pete's ex and sets her up to him in the annex and then hires Erin's ex: Gabe. Awkwardness and even ugliness ensues, just as Andy intended.

Dwight's got a slovenly old Aunt Shirley and he drafts Angela into helping him clean her. To hear Dwight tell, it's a job not unlike mucking out a stable. Angela, however, insists on doing the job properly and respectfully, which impresses Dwight so much that by the end of the episode they end up in each other's arms. But only briefly, as she's still got her marriage to the Senator to think about -- such as it is.

Nellie finally grows weary enough of listening to Toby faff on about the Scranton Strangler that she yells at him to either do something about it or shut up already. So Toby ends up going to the prison to tell the convicted man that he believes he's innocent. He gets partially strangled for his trouble, but Nellie is grudgingly impressed. It probably helps that he can't talk any more for a while.

Pam travels to Philadelphia for an interview at a real estate company, only to discover that the boss there is a virtual clone of Michael Scott, and he expects her to be the Receptionist. Jim and Pam laugh about it afterwards, but when she finally sacks up and says she likes Scranton, the laughter ends in a hurry.

And it doesn't come back at the end, in a silly epilogue whose only worthwhile development is a pop-up ad on Oscar's screen advertising an upcoming documentary called The Office. So perhaps we'll finally get some answers about this whole thing. You know, like at the end of Lost.

Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.

Everyone in the bullpen can hear David Wallace in the conference room, yelling at a freshly shorn Andy for lying to him about being in the office when he was off sailing for three months. Not to mention the even more egregious lie represented by that terrible wig they stuck on Ed Helms last week. Andy actually has the nerve to yell back at Wallace, accusing him of lying as well. But then he admits it's been tough. "Erin just dumped me, and I can't remember any of the 'A-ha' moments I had on the boat and I know it sounds weird to say, but I really miss my beard." Wallace calms down and says he's not going to fire Andy, who is the reason Wallace owns the company. Like that's such a big favor. "We are even now, understand?" He adds that Andy's on thin ice. "Vanilla," Andy says, clarifying, "Vanilla Ice. He was a band." And the ice gets even thinner.

New, expanded, full-length credits, because we're into this show for a full hour tonight. Even Old Salty's back to get knocked off Andy's desk again.

Andy shows up in the morning and tries to offer Erin his usual cheerful if dorky greeting, which he can't get through before locking himself - weeping -- in his office with the blinds closed. That goes to a crying-head in which Andy takes a moment to compose himself and explains, "Last week, Erin told me that our relationship will be proceeding without me." And it's been hard seeing her in the office every day. It also appears to be hard for the employees, who have to listen to his keening even through his closed office door. As Pete shows up for the day, he and Erin make a big show of not talking to each other. Erin THs that they've been keeping their new relationship quiet out of consideration for Andy's feelings. And also because it's hotter that way. "I mean I saw Pete's butt," she says, so we know she hasn't gone completely wanton.

Pam's THs about how she's got an interview at a real estate company in Philly today, which explains the power suit, as well as the resume she pulls quickly off the network printer. It fills nearly a quarter of the page.

Dwight's on the phone to Mose, apparently trying to talk him through the care and feeding of some difficult piece of livestock, specifically their aunt. Cut to him ambushing Angela in the break room, jumping out from behind a vending machine. He tells her he needs her help with cleaning up his terminally ill Aunt Shirley. Angela seems sympathetic and then suspicious when Dwight admits that the nurse they hired for her got "poisoned" and quit. He's calling in the favor Angela owes him, saying there's parts of Aunt Shirley he doesn't even recognize, like "a prehensile wing or something... there's a divot where it was, and it needs a..." Angela would rather leave and get this over with than have to listen to any more.

Andy asks Pam where she's going. "Not on a three-month boat trip," Pam answers, which is a pretty good answer. But when Dwight and Angela follow her out, Dwight's "How dare you?" is pretty good, too. Andy's left standing there staring awkwardly at Erin.

Who shortly thereafter comes into his office to deliver his messages, though he invites her to keep them, as well as a sweater he gave her. He says he doesn't want to talk about work, but she says that's all she wants to talk about, so when he asks for his sweater back, she says she gave it to the Salvation Army. And leaves the messages on his desk.

Andy stomps into the annex to vent to Pete (whom he's still calling "Plop") and Clark (whom he's carpet-bombing with nicknames) about the sweater and the whole situation. Pete's remark about women moving on faster doesn't help, and neither does Clark's statement about how Andy has his freedom back, because Andy admits that last night he ordered a pizza "and I ate it over the sink like a rat." A response to Clark's offer of a high-five is not forthcoming, but Andy seems to have gotten what he needed. The moment he leaves the room, Clark tells Pete, "I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow." Knew it.

Angela and Dwight walk into a suspiciously neat and bright house, where Aunt Shirley appears to be a foul-tempered pile of laundry and flesh melting into the sofa. In fact, when she stands up, the long-unemployed pixellators get to warm up their long-inactive pixellating fingers. They offer her some new clothes and a bath and she offers Angela a slap across the face, and Dwight offers Aunt Shirley a liter of Schnapps. That seems to allow the three of them to come to an understanding.

Andy THs about how Erin doesn't seem sad. She was, dude... you just weren't here for it. While we watch her and Pete happily texting each other, Andy suspecting-heads that maybe she's already found someone and hasn't told him in order to spare his feelings. "During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places," he admits. Indeed, as Erin leaves Reception -- leaving her phone behind for some reason -- Andy snatches it right up, ignoring everyone's advice to stop snooping. And he also ignores their "I told you so"s when he suddenly drops the phone like it's a bucket of Aunt Shirley.

He heads right to the annex and orders, "Darryl Clark Kevin Tony Plop, take a knee." Only he does, though. He says he looked into Erin's phone and found out she's been texting Pete. "Does anybody know a Pete?" Pete THs, "It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long that he forgot my real name. Which is Pete." Andy's hunt for further clues leads him to a lunch bag in the fridge labeled "Pete." Who, in the annex, slowly ducks behind his computer monitor.

By M. Giant

Pam shows up at the Athlead office in Philly and gets a welcoming hug from Jim. They seem to have patched things up now, to the extent that Jim can make fun of himself for wearing a Bluetooth. "This is who I am now. I'm a douche." One of Jim's partners rolls up with a Bluetooth of his own, but without the sense of humor about it and they both give Pam some encouragement. Jim gets called into a conference call, which he dodges into with further self-mocking.

Aunt Shirley has passed out, so Dwight tell Angela it's time to take her out to the yard to spray her down.

Pete has been called into Andy's office, but not for any kind of straightforward confrontation; Andy claims to have contracted incurable "tch-lamydia" from Erin. He awaits Pete's reaction, but Pete's too smart to either fall for the lie or attempt one of his own. "You were gone," he begins carefully, sending Andy into a bitter celebration of how he knew Pete and Erin were "Fuhhuh ---" And speaking of F-words, Andy fires Pete on the spot and starts singing his own version of "Bad Day" to Pete, who says he'll be in the annex if Andy wants to talk.

Cut to Toby explaining to Andy -- again -- that he can't just fire people he's mad at. And then he hands Andy the relationship form that Pete and Erin have already filled out. It was right at the top of what must be a towering stack by now. Andy crumples it, though Toby says it's not the original and kicks Toby's chair before storming out. Toby gets to work straightening it back out, admitting to us that yeah, it's the original.

Pam shows up at a cube farm even more depressing than the one she left this morning. Bob Odenkirk pops out of his office, making a random Horrible Bosses reference followed by an even more Django Unchained reference, and tries unsuccessfully to get all of his employees to raise the roof before leading Pam to a conference room with the "Gangnam Style" dance and another accidental racist comment. Seem familiar? "Oh my God, he's Michael Scott!" Pam THs. Yeah, we got that, thanks.

Toby visits the water cooler to chat up Nellie, which just segues into how he wants to talk more about the Scranton Strangler trial. Nellie shuts him down -- none too kindly -- mocking him for talking about it endlessly and never actually doing anything.

The potential new boss introduces Pam to his own aunt, who's also an employee, and making a production of being hard on her. Then he tries to demonstrate how he can make people "chillax" just by saying "chillax," makes a Monty Python reference that he misidentifies as Kids in the Hall, and does "Coffee Tawk." Pam follows him into his office in amazement. Man, how many empty folders got thrown out in the writers room after this episode, anyway?

Andy waits until Erin has left the bullpen, then yells at everyone in it for letting Pete steal his girlfriend. Meredith, whose wig today looks a lot like her old hair, says she did all she could to prevent it by hitting on Pete. Andy's only interested in his own pain and an ill-thought-out reference to himself as Juliet's boyfriend before Romeo, who he thinks was probably her boss. Thought he knew Shakespeare better than that, given the way Nellie was able to save her ass with it at the end of last season. Darryl points out Andy's booger bubble and after dealing with it, Andy ducks back into his office, whining, "My whole life is a booger bubble!" Unobserved by anyone, Pete looks uncomfortable.

Bob Odenkirk is remarking on the tininess of Pam's resume and joking around with her. Pam laughs gamely, which he appreciates. He also appreciates the way her resume shows that she sticks around, which she doesn't seem to be taking as a compliment. He also remarks on his own employees: "They worship me, you know, but do they like me?" He's actually asking and Pam's already back in Michael-enabling mode as she lies, "Yes." And then he picks up a guitar to do a bad rendition of her resume as interpreted by Bob Dylan, which morphs into a musical stream-of-consciousness reflection of his own impressions of her: "I'm kinda cute, but I'm married so leave that be..."

Pete enters Andy's office for a quick talk, saying he knows breakups are tough but Andy has to move on. Right now, Pete? Andy tries to kick him out, but instead, Erin comes in to back Pete up. Pete tells Andy about how he understands Andy's predicament, because he used to date someone who worked right to his house and he had to get over it. Erin cheerfully babbles about how they can all be friends, but Andy has already tuned out of this and into his TH, in which he says that when life gives you lemons, "you just gotta eat 'em. Rinds and all. And if you don't want to eat 'em, your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that's fun." Yeah, I don't think Andy was given those lemons, per se. I think they were a specific line item on the receipt for his THREE-MONTH BOAT TRIP.

The possible new boss shows Pam where her new desk would be, complete with alleged comedic digressions and remarks about pregnancy, which is apparently something of an epidemic among the women who have sat here. He adds that he wants a woman in that seat, because that's what he as to look at all day. Pam thought she was interview for office manager and he hastily says yes, but the duties he's describing are those of a receptionist, although he's willing to call her an office manager, "because it's less demeaning." He asks how long the cameras will be following her, which he thinks is "pretty cool," Curb Your Enthusiasm-style. Okay writers, I get it. I was wrong about Andy being the new Michael. This guy is the new Michael. Andy is worse. You win. Pam THs that she was a receptionist to Michael Scott for ten years. "And I have kids now. And I just, I can't."

Dwight sees Angela grooming his aunt in the house, taking charge and clearly impressing him.

Toby bursts into the kitchen and announces to Nellie (while Darryl's also sitting there) that he's going to go to the prison to talk to the Strangler this afternoon. "Probably best to use his real name, rather than Strangler," Nellie advises, but Darryl points out, "George Howard Scubb? It's a devil name." They seem somewhat impressed that Toby's actually doing it, though. I'll believe it when I see it.

Sitting on Jim's futon in jeans and a sweatshirt and watching his TiVo, Pam gets a call from him. She starts to tell the story about her interview, but he blows her off and tells her to come in for dinner with him at eight, four hours hence.

A cute blonde in a suit shows up at Reception, saying she's here to meet with Andy. Erin leads her right back to the annex, where she and Pete get a load of each other. Yep, it's Alice, the very ex-girlfriend Pete told Andy about earlier. "That's so random!" Erin marvels. "Is it?" Pete says, a step ahead. Well... ahead of Erin, at least. Erin realizes that Andy also hired a management consultant today. "Oh no," she gasps. And director Jon Favreau gets to show his action chops a bit as the camera follows her, rushing in panic through the kitchen and back to the bullpen. "Look who's back! The birdman!" Creed says happily, pointing to... Gabe. "Didn't you two used to do it?" Kevin asks. Erin shoots a dirty look at Andy through the window of his office and he in turn gives the camera an infuriating, "Who me?" reaction.

Toby presents himself at the gate of the prison and while we see him wait and get admitted and wanded, he tells us that he plans to tell George Howard Scubb that he believes he's innocent. He claims not to expect anything, but wouldn't be surprised if he got a hug or even, to paraphrase Bogart, "The shtart of my firsht friendship."

In the annex, Alice and Clark are getting acquainted (awkwardly, especially for Pete) when Andy comes in. Alice wants to talk strategy, but Andy talks faux-sympathetically about how awkward this is. "This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived," Pete agrees. Andy throws Pete's earlier words about moving on back at him. "How does that medicine taste? Your own-flavored? Is it just me or have these tables turned?" He exits and Alice says, "So there's no marketing department?" Not so much, no.

Gabe sits at the Reception coach (with an ottoman as his new desk, complete with nameplate), catching her up on his life and claiming to have lost fifty pounds and packed it all back on. He's also heard about Erin and Andy's breakup. "You must be pretty horny," he says understandingly.

After some quick footage of a gurney being wheeled into the prison and wheeled back out with Toby on it, we're in Nellie's car as she drives him home with a fresh neck brace on, chirping that at least he no longer has to doubt that he convicted the wrong guy. And it'll be two weeks before Toby's vocal chords will heal, which he can only communicate by nodding. Now that he's been effectively shut up, Nellie admits that it was pretty brave of him.

Angela is serving Dwight and his now-presentable Aunt Shirley a full roast-skunk dinner with all the trimmings. Dwight gratefully offers Angela the stink-sack. Aunt Shirley teasingly asks when the wedding is and Angela unconvincingly says they're just friends. 'That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing," Shirley says. I'd rather not, thanks.

Pam shows up at the Athlead office after dark, to find Jim there alone with a white-tablecloth dinner and champagne all set up for the two of them. And Chinese takeout, but still. Pam says she didn't get the job. He's sympathetic, but not worried about it, handing over her drink. "It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis," he cracks, allowing the writers to sneak in one last Michael Scott-quality joke. He sits down and asks her to tell him all about it.

Angela and Dwight step out on the porch to pleasantly say goodnight to each other and end up making out. Again. But Angela soon pulls away, citing the senator. Dwight says she should leave him; he probably won't notice she's gone. "Be with me, Monkey," he urges. Angela says she can't be his monkey, and Dwight says he isn't talking about warehouse trysts any more. "The eighty or ninety years I have left in this life, I want to spend with you." Angela says she made a vow and Dwight gets that. "It's what I'd want if you were mine." She leaves him standing there with a heartfelt, "Gooodnight, D."

By M. Giant

Erin and Pete are still at the office this late for some reason, quietly talking about how awful this all is. "Hey love-turds! Conference room, now," Andy barks at them. Cut to him at the head of the conference table, with Alice and Pete at his right and Erin and Gabe at his left. He says he wants to hear about everyone's day. Gabe admits it was weird, which Andy sarcastically says is odd considering what Erin and Pete told him earlier. Alice airs a little of Pete's dirty laundry and Andy asks Gabe to vent a little bit. Which Gabe readily does. Erin can't stand it, telling him, "Every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican." Alice mocks Pete some more, talking about how he wanted to be a gym teacher. Erin says he still can and, in fact. all of them can... well, except for Gabe, who points out that he lacks the lung capacity to blow a whistle. He challenges Pete to talk about his taste in music and tries to trap him into admitting he loves white supremacist hate-rock, and Alice joins in to mock Pete for not knowing how to use chopsticks. Gabe says he's got that covered, having been to Japan and everything, and asks Erin to come back for one night. Soon Gabe and Erin are arguing with each other, and Pete and Alice are also arguing, and Andy just peers smugly back and forth between the two ex-couples. He THs from his office, "Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? Yeah! Yeah, it does!" I remember rooting for Andy in the past. Never consistently or for any length of time, but it happened occasionally.

By M. Giant

Jim and Pam seem to actually be enjoying themselves, and each other, and the Chinese takeout, talking and laughing about the guy who interviewed Pam today. Jim assures her that the interview will have to be better. Pam's not sure... even if it's great, she stutters that she doesn't know if she wants this. That kind of wrecks the mood. Jim says this is out of left field. "Is it?" she asks. "I liked our life in Scranton." "And I have started a business in Philadelphia," Jim chuckles darkly. Pam shrugs, like, this wasn't my idea. Dinner seems to get pretty quiet after that.

And then the tag is an overlong bit about Oscar making a whole production of getting up from his desk in a pair of gravity boots every time an ad pops up on his computer screen. What kind of accounting is he doing, anyway? Anyway, every time that happens he hangs himself upside-down from the doorframe to do an ab workout. This time, though, he ends up stranded while everyone treats him as an inconvenient obstruction. Meanwhile, another tiny ad pops up on his unattended computer, with this text to a familiar logo: "Coming this May: The Office: An American Workplace. Ten years in the making, a look at the lives and loves of an average American small business office." Pee-yoo, who wrote that copy?

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.