Just because the Sabre Store arc is over doesn't mean Nellie is. Apparently Andy was serious about driving down to Florida to get Erin. So who's going to manage the office while he's gone? Why, Nellie Bertram, of course. She's schlepped her crazy ass up to Scranton to take over the branch. Robert's not about to stop her, if for no other reason than simple curiosity as to how it's all going to play out. And how it plays out is this: in order to get everyone to buy into the idea of Nellie as their new manager, she offers them all raises. Only the Halperts stand firm against her in defense of Andy, and even Pam can't resist when Nellie offers her a much-needed nap.
While Andy's job is being stolen out from under him, his project in Tallahassee doesn't seem to be going much better. Irene, the old lady who hired Erin, doesn't seem willing to let her live-in assistant go. And Erin isn't quite over the times Andy broke her heart. It looks like he's about to drive home empty-handed, but Irene gives Erin her blessing, and she and Andy get in his Prius and drive off into the sunset together. Or at least back to Scranton. Where things could get awkward, because it doesn't look like Nellie's going anywhere soon. At least not voluntarily.
Pam gets a call at her desk and her reaction is immediate. As soon as she hangs up she announces with great urgency, "Everybody! The balloon is falling!" As everyone rushes out of the bullpen, we get a TH from Pam in which she explains that a helium balloon has been floating in the warehouse rafters forever. Soon everyone's gathered to watch a normal old Mylar helium balloon slowly drifting to the floor. Oscar remembers when the balloon first went up. "I was still with Gil. We were so happy." Kevin: "I had hair like Rapunzel." Dwight: "My Warcraft clan was still in speaking terms." Meredith: "My kid didn't have a face tattoo." Darryl: "I was still thinking of going back to school." Jim: "I was still just a paper salesman." And look at him now. Me: "Funny stuff still happened on this show." Dwight blames Pam for their current sad mood, and the thing we see is Darryl crushing the balloon with the forklift in front of the bloodthirsty crowd. That'll teach it.
Jim and Pam show up in the morning with an extra egg sandwich from the drive-thru and while he's trying to decide who do give it to, Nellie walks in and grabs it, taking a big bite. "You call that a King James breakfast pie?" she demands disgustedly. Jim's so surprised to see her in town that he can't even choke out a negative response, so Nellie explains to him -- and everyone else who may or may not remember her from her interview last year -- that she's going to be working there. In a talking head, Dwight is horrified that Nellie can even show her face here after the Sabre Store debacle. "I should know, I'm in an identical situation." Toby (accidentally introducing himself as "Tony") says that Robert mentioned Nellie's imminent arrival and offers to find her an empty desk. "That one looks empty," Nellie says and charges right into Andy's office. And from the spot where Michael and Andy and Deangelo and Creed and I don't even know who else have done so many THs, Nellie explains her philosophy ion business: "If the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a Formula One car."
We check in with Erin in Tallahassee, bragging about how she gets to clean all five rooms of Irene's house. "Her grandson's staying with us too, because he ran out of money." In other words, she couldn't be happier.
Robert walks into Andy's office and offers to find Nellie "something fun to do." Nellie explains that she's the new manager and when Robert mildly points out that they already have one of those, Nellie argues that it's ten o'clock and in the hour she's been sitting in the chair, nobody has sat in her lap. Robert steps out to the bullpen to wonder where Andy is and gets on his cell phone to call him into work. Andy claims that he's sick, and hangs up midsentence, because he's currently standing ankle-deep in the Atlantic Ocean mid-shave with his tie still on. Although I suspect that the Atlantic is being played by the Pacific. "I'm in Florida to get Erin," he says and tells us that he got in his car and didn't stop until he hit the ocean. "My heart is my map." I half expect to see his Prius wallowing in the surf when the camera zooms out, but he just adds, "Turns out Tallahassee is two hundred miles inland so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map, right?" Back in Scranton, Robert says it's out of their hands until Andy gets there. Jim asks if Robert can't do anything and Robert simply responds, "Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim." First of all Robert, no they don't. Secondly, the "C" in "CEO" does not stand for "contrivance." Jim, in a TH: "What is going on? And where is Andy? And what is going on?"
Irene and her disreputable-looking grandson Glenn come out of the front door to find a big box in the yard addressed to Erin with the handwritten label "Cupid Express." When Erin comes out from the bathroom (lying to Irene that she washed her hands), Andy pops up out of the box with a bouquet of flowers and singing the chorus from "Signed, Sealed, Delivered." Once the little party has moved inside the house, Andy tells Erin that he's there to take her back to Scranton because he loves her. "Where's the ring, Lancelot?" Irene demands. Erin asks Irene and Glenn to give them the room for a minute and tells Andy that while she's happy to see him, she's not coming back with him. Down the hall, Andy overhears Glenn whispering about why Erin won't go with him. "Maybe because he's not that handsome," Irene whispers back. Erin tells Andy not to listen. As though she ever liked him for his looks anyway.
Nellie's got the troops in the conference room with this semi-rhetorical question on the flip chart: "What is going on?" She incorrectly guesses Kevin's name as "Chumbo," and announces that she's their new manager. Pam turns to Robert for corroboration, but he only wants to sit back and watch it play out. He THs that it's a good break to the rhythm. "Who is this woman?" he asks, also semi-rhetorically. Back in the conference room, Nellie -- acting offended at the employees' reticence -- announces that since her first attempt to get to know them didn't work, she's about to give them performance reviews based entirely on first impressions.
At Irene's place, she, Erin, Andy and Glenn are gathered around the table for a lunch that includes hot dogs boiled in water that Erin's been reusing all week. Irene asks Andy how his "skinny brunette girlfriend" feels about him visiting his ex-[skinny brunette] girlfriend. Andy says he and... what's her name? Jessica? Aren't really dating any more... not that he's made it official yet. Irene stands up and tries to send Andy away, but he insists that when he came to his realization, he jumped in the car and didn't stop until he saw Erin again. Erin is clearly moved, but she hides her reaction with a sarcastic retort: "You didn't even stop to pee? Gross." That actually wasn't bad, for Erin.
Up in Scranton, Pam's trying to reach Andy, but repeatedly getting his musical voice mail greeting. That's because in Tallahassee, Andy's ignoring his phone. Or at least he is until Irene's grandson picks it up and answers, "Proctology." Suddenly Jim's on speaker, asking where Andy is. Andy claims to have "the serious poops," but Irene loudly interjects that he's in Tallahassee, "Trying to turn my life upside down." Jim, who can certainly sympathize with that right now, tells Andy that Nellie's trying to take his job. Andy appreciates the warning, but insists that he isn't coming home without Erin. Too bad Nellie didn't spot the empty Reception desk first.
That leaves Jim to lead the office's anti-Nellie resistance all on his own. He warns everyone not to go into their performance reviews with Nellie, because that's a sign of acceptance of her authority, which, trust him, they so don't want. Angela wonders why they should trust Jim, "Like Pam trusted you to provide for her." The writers must be having a hell of a time keeping Angela to the right of the GOP leadership these days. Jim's only backup is Dwight, who says, "I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm." As he explains in a TH, "Those who can't farm, farm celery." Nellie comes out of the office and says she's going to start with the woman with the beautiful nails and tiny feet. Angela's on her way, but Nellie means Phyllis -- who says she doesn't feel comfortable with this. Nellie turns to Dwight, who formally stands and says he lost respect for her in Florida. "If it was up to me you would be in jail forever," he adds. Nellie informs him he's getting a raise, and flatters him until he agrees to six percent. "Raise isn't real," Jim mutters as Dwight and Nellie shake on it. "Money isn't real since we got off the gold standard," Dwight retorts. After seeing that, Phyllis gets up to walk into Nellie's office. Inside, Nellie acts impressed with the last five seconds of Phyllis's performance.
Jim heads door and tells Robert that Nellie's giving out raises. Robert's a bit surprised, but when he asks if Jim wants one, it throws even Jim briefly. Robert says that Nellie stepped into the fill the vacuum Andy left by refusing to come in. And in terms of the explanation he's about to give, Robert offers Jim a choice between a nature metaphor and a sex metaphor. Jim jumps at the former, but the nature metaphor (which is about animals having sex) doesn't work so Robert switches to the sex metaphor: "All life is sex. And all sex is competition. And there are no rules to that game. And there are no rules to that game. Now that wasn't so perverted, was it?" Robert says that the only person in charge of every office in America is Charles Darwin. And that's pretty much the end of the discussion. I think Robert's working harder to not do anything about this than he would to do anything about this.
Nellie gives Kelly her fake review and possibly-fake raise. Meanwhile, out in the bullpen, Jim is saying that accepting the raises means it's okay for someone to walk in and take someone's job. Dwight decides that's exactly right, and tries to steal Darryl's office, until Darryl drags him out by his hair. "Well fought, I accept the outcome," Dwight says with dignity. He approaches Creed, who without looking up says, "Touch me and I'll sue."
Erin comes outside to see Andy fiddling with Irene's fountain and opens up about how he broke her heart. Andy says she broke his too, but she maintains that he broke hers more recently and more often. Erin concludes that they're not meant to be. "I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time," Andy says. Erin knows it. They hug and part ways, as the camera zooms out to reveal Irene's grandson smoking shirtless on the roof of the house.
Nellie, conducting Pam's performance review, starts by asking what she wants. Pam says she likes consistency in managers. "No weird, silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy." Nellie thinks that what Pam really wants is a good night's sleep. Pam pretends to be offended that Nellie wouldn't say that to Jim. Nellie wonders, "Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for, what is it, twelve months? Be honest, does Jim wake up in the night?" Pam staunchly defends Jim and tries to stay strong, but Nellie makes an offer Pam can't refuse: a nap, right on the floor of the office with pillows and a blanket provided by Nellie herself. "And when you wake up, you will earn more money." Pam, as she slowly lowers herself to the floor: "I think... you're a witch." Nellie tells Pam she's amazing and even makes Pam repeat it before turning off the light and tiptoeing out. If she can run the office as well as she's running these people, I don't see what Jim's so worried about.
Irene quietly tells Erin that she's making a big mistake letting Andy go. "I was protecting you because I thought he was no good." But now she sees that Andy likes her enough to risk his job for her. "In this economy, with Europe on the brink..." Erin wonders what Irene would do without her, but Irene says they aren't her problem. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot. "He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture." Thanks for not showing that.
Nellie finally tells Jim it's time for his review. Jim, in front of the whole bullpen says, "No it's not, because you don't really work here." Nellie wonders why Jim is "staunchly defending your friend who has abandoned you." And has been calling him "Tuna" for half a decade. She tries to bribe him with his own raise, but Jim still isn't convinced that she can even give them. Nellie claims to the room that she's Tinkerbell, a magical fairy who floated in to give them all raises. But if everyone doesn't believe in her, she doesn't exist. "Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?" she asks. A round of applause spreads through the bullpen, with only the Halperts abstaining. Robert comes out thinking this is recognition of Nellie's leadership and joins right in.
Andy's in his car, saying this wasn't how he wanted it to go. Just then Erin comes running out into the street, shrieking that she loves him and banging on the car window. Only it's someone else's car. "This is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I'm sorry." I bet he's not. Andy stops in the middle of the street and gets out of his car, and Erin runs into his arms and kisses him while his car blocks the intersection. Erin's ready to jump into the car and go with just the clothes on her back. She doesn't even need to go back for her toothbrush, on account of how she doesn't actually own one. "There's always one around," she explains to Andy. "Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?" This is going to be a long drive back.
Late at night, Nellie works her way through the bullpen, messing with people's desks as she VOs, "I grew up poor. I had little formal education, no real skills, I don't work especially hard and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited and somebody else already had and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American Dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone It's just random." And the camera zooms out just enough to show the nameplate reading "Nellie Bertram" on the manager's desk. Yes, it is random. It's all random. That's kind of the problem with this whole season.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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