Nellie keeps showing up late and irritating everyone, but because Robert still wants to get into her pants, he makes the Scranton employees show her a proper welcome. Jim and Dwight are conscripted to help move boxes into her apartment, while the rest of the office staff is expected to throw her a party. The staff decides to make it a miserable affair to reflect how they really feel about her. So I guess the raises wore off. The party's ultimate touch will be a magician, which is something Jim just found out Nellie hates more than anything.
Andy and Erin are still en route back to Scranton from Florida, but first they have to make a stop at a cabin in southern Pennsylvania so he can break up with Jessica. When they arrive, it turns out there's a bachelorette party going on for one of Jessica's friends. After a bit of stalling, Andy breaks the news to Jessica that they're done. She accuses him of dumping her for Erin, but he claims he's just gay. This in earshot of the partygoers. And Erin. But at least they get out of there unscathed.
While unpacking Nellie's boxes, Jim and Dwight come across a box of photos of Nellie and an ex-boyfriend who broke her heart back in England. A magician ex-boyfriend. Realizing this might be going too far, Jim calls the office to have Pam pull the plug, but the other employees refuse to let that happen. Thus Jim, Dwight, and Nellie return to the office to find a party crammed in the break room, featuring carrot cake, Creed's music, and a magician. Jim and Pam, with an assist from Dwight, manage to sabotage the magician's show and chase him off, earning Nellie's obvious gratitude. Obviously she's not aware that it's Jim's fault there was a magician in the first place.
Erin's not the type to get mad at Andy for not telling the truth about being in love with her, but when she takes a hurt-nap in the car, she wakes up to find Andy returning to the cabin to announce his love for Erin. Which he does, pissing off everyone at the party. Except Erin, but she's the one whose opinion matters after all. Good thing Andy figured that out eventually.
Everyone's signing a card for Stanley to welcome him back from the hospital. Don't worry, it's not his heart this time; he just had a tonsillectomy. Pam and Phyllis put in a lame joke about how they're glad the surgeons didn't mistakenly give him a mustache-ectomy instead. Jim not only doesn't care for the joke, he points out that Stanley doesn't have a mustache, which is ridiculous. Yet somehow it leads to a whole debate, with the bullpen split down the middle. Pam dashes off a couple of caricatures, one with and one without, and asks which one is right. "Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity," Dwight says. "That said, the one on the left." As the elevator dings, Jim takes a show of hands while Gabe rushes out to intercept Stanley, shielding Stanley's face until he dramatically removes them to reveal -- Stanley's mustache. Jim shakes his head in shame at having gotten it wrong. But not enough shame.
"'Good morning, Robert,' says no one, because our receptionist is in Florida," Robert says as he stomps in. And also because nobody else is saying it to him either. He busts Pam having a "videoconference with Drake featuring Swizzbeats" and starts lecturing everyone about how nine to ten AM is the most productive time of the day. Just then Nellie comes rushing in at 9:50, but charms Robert with a story about her snooze button and lack of willpower. And probably her boobs. "I've never believed willpower was very important in a woman," he smarms, but he still isn't buying Nellie's story and figures she's dealing with some kind of stress. She goes on about the trouble of moving, and asks, "No offense, but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?" "Yes," Kevin Malone and red-headed Meredith say in unison. From there she goes on to offend Oscar and Stanley, then tells them all to keep the hostility on the basketball court. But then amends it to the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Robert tells everyone to give Nellie the help she so obviously needs; Jim and Dwight by helping move Nellie's boxes into her apartment, and the rest of the office by throwing her a party. Jim and Pam have separate THs protesting this, but agree on one question: "Why is she here?"
Cut to Erin and Andy, wearing t-shirts from Savannah, Georgia and road-tripping back to Scranton. Andy explains they'll be stopping off to visit Jessica at her parents' cabin in southern Pennsylvania so he can break up with her, and Erin says that must be nice. Andy agrees that the cabin is the perfect place to let Jessica down. "No, I meant that must be nice to have parents," Erin says. She's also insisting on no kissing until the official breakup, which I guess is admirable, for someone who would want to kiss Andy in the first place.
Phyllis, Angela, Oscar, and Pam decide to have a terrible party for Nellie, right there in the break room, with carrot cake. And back on the road, Erin and Andy are role-playing his breakup with her in the role of Jessica. They do a speed version in a minute ten, then a worst-case scenario in which Erin is whiny and obnoxious. Obviously the worst-case scenario is beyond either of their imaginations.
Jim and Dwight are trying to move Nellie's crap into her apartment, when Dwight somehow horrifies her beyond reason with a simple reference to working his magic to fit an oversized chair through the door. Apparently Nellie is repulsed by magicians, and goes on about it as some length. Jim gets a call from Pam saying they're going to make the party really bad. "Sounds like every other party," Jim says, accurately. Pam runs down some of the ideas they have, and Jim excitedly says, "Hire a magician. Trust me."
Andy's car pulls up to the cabin, which is more like a giant ranch house in the woods. Also, there are a lot of cars in the driveway. A woman named Lauren, who's wearing some kind of veil-like item on her head and must be Jessica's friend or sister, taps on Andy's window, so he rolls it down and makes up a story about how he's coming back from a business trip and his "coworker" Erin totaled her car. Lauren tells him that Jessica's out for a run but will be back soon. In the meantime, a small crowd of women and one dude are slowly emerging from the house like a horde of well-groomed zombies. Erin hits the intellectual pinnacle of her life, deploying previously unhinted-at deductive powers to urgently mutter to Andy, "That is a bachelorette party, this is Jessica's friends, and they've been drinking during the daytime. Should we go?" Andy's about to, but just then Jessica returns from her run, so he isn't going anywhere.
While unpacking Nellie's stuff, Jim and Dwight come across a shoebox full of photos of Nellie and her ex-boyfriend, even though it's labeled, "Do not open, stupid. Love, Nellie." Nellie busts them rifling through the pictures and sadly says, "I see you've discovered Benjamin. That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry." Dwight wonders, "Why not call--" Jim" "Shh!"
After the ads, the three of them are sitting on the floor going through Nellie's bitter romantic memories. "But what's ten years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one." Jim asks about one particular photo showing Henry in a cape and top hat, which Nellie says is the most embarrassing part. "What kind of fool gets her heart broken by a bloody stage magician?" Jim's face says, "Oops, too far."
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Cut to Jim on the phone to Pam, urgently telling Pam to call it off, especially the magician. Nellie calls Jim away again before he can explain, so Pam has to go back into the party planning meeting and try to sell the idea of doing a regular party. Which is not going to happen. "Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks," Phyllis snaps.
At the cabin, Lauren is going through the ritual purging of her ex-boyfriends, one of whom Andy stands up to defend for being with an ex-girlfriend. Jessica comes over to apologize to Andy for the atmosphere, like anyone invited him. This episode's version of Megan from Bridesmaids (she's even named Megan) hugs Andy and talks about what a great guy he is and even asks him to sing. Which he does, with unusual reluctance for him.
In the break room -- which is pretty crowded with everyone crammed in there -- Pam tears down an unflattering mugshot of Nellie with the caption "Beautiful Nellie" and tells them to be more subtle. Darryl suggests codenames like the ones they use in the warehouse, including "Douchebag" for Ryan. "That's just an insult," Ryan protests. "Plus everyone would know who you meant," Oscar adds. "Yeah!" Ryan agrees. Pam suggests the codename "Mondays," which everyone can say they hate. Ryan suggests "Pam" instead. Enter Nellie, Jim, and Dwight, and Creed launches into a half-hour song.
At the bachelorette party, Andy takes Jessica into the kitchen. Which is not nearly far enough. He starts to say he hopes they can stay friends after this is over. When she realizes he's breaking up with her, he acts all mad and tries to blame her. Jessica realizes this is about Erin. "You said she wasn't relationship material and she wasn't as good as me, but it's her, isn't it?" The party's gone quiet, so everyone in the house heard that, including Erin. So in order to extract himself from the situation, Andy decides to announce that he's gay. "I knew it!" says the one other man at the party. Jessica isn't convinced, given their sexual history, but Andy says he was faking it. "I can't say it doesn't make sense," Jessica admits rather quickly. "I didn't think we were gonna get married or anything, I'm just upset for now." Andy gives her a brotherly hug, and sprints out of there with Erin. Something tells me the last little bit of this road trip is actually going to be the longest.
At the party, Oscar toasts Nellie, calling her a "most welcome and friendly presence," then calls "Pam" an "unwelcome, entitled, and unfriendly presence." Everyone says cheers to that, while Jim, who missed the whole codename discussion, looks confused and even almost upset. He eventually gets it, though, thanks to a significant glare from his wife, and argues that maybe "Pam" is just misunderstood. "And that maybe there's some stuff in her past that you guys don't know that's a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with." They respond to that with a chant of "We hate Pam!" which goes on until a magician walks in and offers to make her disappear.
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In the car, Andy and Erin can finally kiss, but it's like brother and sister. Andy explains that he had to say those things about Erin to Jessica because he was dating her at the time. Erin pretends to be all tired and fall asleep, but Andy knows she's hurt.
The magician tries to draft Nellie as his "volunteer," until Jim steps up to take her place. Jim messes up his card trick for him, earning a grateful look from Nellie. "Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?" Robert hisses to Dwight. Pam joins in, spoiling a rope trick, and then Dwight hauls off and chases the magician clear out of there. Robert apologizes to Nellie for the Halperts' behavior, but she maintains that they're brilliant in their way. "Don't you see what I see?" Robert pretends that he does, and says it's a great party. Kevin takes strong exception to that. "This cake has vegetables in it! Like a salad bar, Robert!" Jim and Pam clink their paper cups. Yay, they saved Nellie's feelings and now all the people they actually work with hate them.
Erin wakes up just in time to see Andy stop the car, hop out, and bang on the front door of the cabin. He's come back to announce to the whole bachelorette party that he's in love with Erin. "She's sweet, funny, and beautiful, and total relationship material." And standing in the doorway, so she was able to hear that, too. The partygoers angrily chase him out of there, and Erin and Andy rush to the car to make an escape. But before Andy pulls out, Erin grabs his face and plants a real one on him, like they're siblings who are a little more into each other. Andy backs up the driveway while Jessica's friends throw things at his car.
Leaving for the day, Jim and Pam pause in the lobby to give Hank the security guard a hard time about letting the magician upstairs. Hank makes like he never saw him come or go, like maybe it was...magic!. Pam: "Let's just go." Yes, let's.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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By M. Giant
The magician tries to draft Nellie as his "volunteer," until Jim steps up to take her place. Jim messes up his card trick for him, earning a grateful look from Nellie. "Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?" Robert hisses to Dwight. Pam joins in, spoiling a rope trick, and then Dwight hauls off and chases the magician clear out of there. Robert apologizes to Nellie for the Halperts' behavior, but she maintains that they're brilliant in their way. "Don't you see what I see?" Robert pretends that he does, and says it's a great party. Kevin takes strong exception to that. "This cake has vegetables in it! Like a salad bar, Robert!" Jim and Pam clink their paper cups. Yay, they saved Nellie's feelings and now all the people they actually work with hate them.
Erin wakes up just in time to see Andy stop the car, hop out, and bang on the front door of the cabin. He's come back to announce to the whole bachelorette party that he's in love with Erin. "She's sweet, funny, and beautiful, and total relationship material." And standing in the doorway, so she was able to hear that, too. The partygoers angrily chase him out of there, and Erin and Andy rush to the car to make an escape. But before Andy pulls out, Erin grabs his face and plants a real one on him, like they're siblings who are a little more into each other. Andy backs up the driveway while Jessica's friends throw things at his car.
Leaving for the day, Jim and Pam pause in the lobby to give Hank the security guard a hard time about letting the magician upstairs. Hank makes like he never saw him come or go, like maybe it was...magic!. Pam: "Let's just go." Yes, let's.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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