Dwight is riding high in the wake of his promotion to Vice President of Sabre Retail, and Jim isn't sorry to see him go. But Robert privately lets it slip to Jim that he plans to sandbag the entire Sabre Store enterprise at the board meeting, and Dwight's job will be the main casualty. Jim attempts to warn Dwight, but remember what I said about riding high? Dwight just uses that position to drop rocks on Jim. Jim decides he did what he could and heads to the airport, until Pam tells him over the phone to try harder. Jim returns, but it looks like nothing short of a physical altercation is going to keep Dwight from walking into that boardroom and meeting his doom. Luckily for Dwight, a physical altercation is something Jim's prepared to initiate.
Erin has found a job as a live-in assistant for the old lady she met last week, and she breaks the news to Andy via Skype that she isn't coming back to Scranton. Andy takes the news as well as he can pretend to.
Also, it's Girl Scout Cookie season, and Darryl and Toby compete for the office's biggest client, Kevin. This gets silly and stupid, but the upshot is that of all the romantic pairings that have been hinted at this season, it looks like the one to actually take off will be Kevin and Meredith. Which is even sillier and stupider.
Jim is able to prevent Dwight's entry into the boardroom just long enough to force Nellie to tap Packer as the new VP, but Dwight makes it inside just in time to see Packer getting railroaded and realize Jim saved him from the same fate. He's as gracious to Jim as he can pretend to be. And after they and Stanley return to Scranton, Andy realizes he needs to rush down to Florida to bring Erin back. Which I agree with, if for no other reason than if he doesn't, Erin's incompetence is bound to kill that old lady.
Visibly upset after finishing a phone call, Andy comes out to the bullpen and announces with great gravity that "Dwight is no longer with us." Everyone thinks that means he's dead, but Andy clarifies that Dwight got promoted to VP of Sabre Retail and isn't coming back from Florida. We'll take "Bits Arrested Development Did Better" for $400, Alex. Phyllis wonders if this means they can open Dwight's treasure. Oscar THs that the box marked "Treasure" that Dwight ostentatiously stashed in his desk before leaving was just a mind game to make them think there was something in there. But this line of thought only leads Oscar down Vizzini's logical rabbit hole. Cut to an impromptu staff meeting where they're brainstorming ideas for what could be in there. The current list on the flip chart includes such items as "Schrute Bones," "Star Wars Stuff," "Photo with our toothbrushes up his butt," and "Trap," which is one of the best jokes of the season. Andy finally concludes, "Nobody's gonna open it, you'd have to be insane." So everyone leaves Creed alone to open it. Inside he finds a group photo, but as everyone goes "Awww," a spring-loaded dart embeds itself in the acoustic ceiling tiles. In a TH from Tallahassee, Dwight feigns ignorance and shock that such a thing could happen.
Dwight, Nellie, Jim, and a long-absent Robert California are out playing golf. Dwight and Nellie prove to be quite compatible when it comes to celebrating in obnoxious ways that annoy everyone around them. Jim presents Dwight with a gift from "everyone," and Dwight just tees it up and smashes it down the course. to the cart, Jim THs that this is the last time he'll ever see Dwight, which isn't so much "bittersweet" as just "sweet." Is it really either of those words? Because I think I'd go with "unlikely."
Darryl comes into Andy's office with his daughter's Girl Scout cookies order form, and is just about to close the deal on a whole box when Toby enters for the same purpose. Darryl is protective of his territory, but Toby whines that this is the only place he interacts with people and suggests Darryl do his selling at his church or barbershop. "Or chess club," he adds awkwardly. Darryl offers to split the office, giving Toby sales, the annex, and Creed, while he will take Accounting. Toby thinks he just got a great deal, but of course this means Darryl gets Kevin. "When I first started selling cookies he was a relatively thin man," Darryl tells us.
Erin clumsily delivers some groceries to the home of Irene, the sweet old lady from last week played by Georgia Engel. Apparently she hired Erin to be her "live-in helper," and Erin's duties appear to include randomly sprinkling pills into Irene's daily medication boxes. So I guess Irene vowed at some point, "I'm going to hire a live-in helper if it's the last thing I do." Irene wants to introduce Erin to her grandson, but Erin puts her off, saying today's the day she's going to break the news to Andy that she's staying in Florida. She explains this as she presents Irene with a nice, hot cup of boiled Gatorade.
Out on the golf course, Nellie explains, "In England, they put the holes a little bit to the right." Robert gets a little touchy-feely with her while coaching her on her putting.
While Darryl's selling cookies to Kevin (who performs a terrible rapping-head about cookie season), Toby comes up and objects to being tricked out of the biggest client in the office. Kevin is only too happy to have them fight over him. "I want to be wined, dined and sixty-nined." Not literally. "No offense, Oscar," he adds.
After the golf round, Jim tries to say a friendly farewell to Dwight, but all Dwight has to say is, "Bye bye. I win." Jim still extends a hand to shake, but Dwight just drops his ball into it like Jim's his caddy, then gloats on over to the cart he's sharing with Nellie. Jim's left behind with Robert, who says, "Let Dwight have his fun. Today will not be his day." By which he means that he's going to kill the Sabre store at the board meeting. As Robert explains, it's a lovely space and they did a great job with it, but the products themselves are crap, better suited to being sold online or over the phone where people can't actually try them out. "The Sabre store would work if we adopted the carnival model of leaving town once everyone's wise to us," Robert says. He explains that he couldn't just kill the idea right out of the gate after Jo endorsed it. "Shame, though. I did like Dwight." Dwight mocks Robert from across the pond, and Robert just cheers him on and repeats to a gobsmacked Jim, "Shame."
At HQ, before the meeting, Dwight and Nellie run through some cheesy "Power of Two" presentation choreography for Kathy, Packer, and Gabe, who responds, "I'm not just saying this: that was the best thing I've ever seen." Packer suggests joining in for a "Power of Three," which Dwight tells Kathy to take down and print on some toilet paper. Enter Jim, who asks for a minute alone with Dwight for his own good. Dwight mocks Jim hard, and when Packer joins in, Dwight shuts Packer down and continues mocking Jim, even repurposing Packer's putdown for himself. Jim, as he walks away down the hall, telling us, "Well, I tried. You saw it, so it's on the record." Not that anyone ever acted before as though anybody would ever see this footage. "I have a plane to catch."
Erin is trying to use her laptop to Skype with Andy, but she needs Irene's help with the tech. See, it's funny because Irene's old. But soon Erin and Andy are online and goofing around with each other in their old dorky way. It's like Pam and Jim when Jim was in Stamford... we're supposed to think.
In the shuttle to the airport with Stanley (I guess Kathy and Gabe are staying behind, too), Jim's on the phone to Pam, who thinks Jim needs to try harder to talk to Dwight before Robert fires him. Jim protests that Dwight's gotten worse. "He's like Super Dwight! It's like he's been bitten by a radioactive Dwight!" Stanley would back Jim up if he weren't in a filthy mood about leaving Florida. "Just get the words out, that's all you can do," Pam insists to Jim. And possibly not even that.
Toby and Darryl are giving competing sales presentations to Kevin while the whole Scranton crew watches. They have some ridiculous suggestions of their own, including Meredith's suggestion that they kiss each other. Or, failing that, kiss Meredith. In Andy's office, he and Erin are still enjoying their video chat, until the subject of her return to Scranton comes up and Erin breaks the news that there isn't going to be one. Andy pretends to be happy for her. Poorly. Out in the bullpen, Darryl and Toby have just finished a song and dance for Kevin, who has reached a decision. "I've decided... that you are going to keep doing things for me." Look who's after Ryan Seacrest's job. Darryl and Toby both say it's not worth it, but Kevin hints that he's thinking about a three-digit order this year. The singing and dancing recommences. Has either of these two dads considered letting their daughters sell their own fucking cookies? Is that crazy talk?
Back at HQ, Jim accosts Dwight in the bathroom. Dwight just compares Jim to an "Amish return stick." Through a combination of persistence and sincerity, Jim gets Dwight to let him tell him one thing: Robert's going to kill the store and then fire Dwight. Dwight: "That's two things." He thinks this is another one of Jim's pranks, which he says never worked before and they won't today. "First of all, they almost always worked," Jim corrects, but Dwight just dismisses Jim to the airport. As Dwight walks to the boardroom, Jim overhears Dwight talking to the camera about his own unstoppability: "Dunder Mifflin, the farm, Mose, all those things vanish in my rearview mirror. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny. And from what I hear, she's a sl--" Jim tackles Dwight to the ground before he can pull a Limbaugh. Also, who knew Jim cared so much about Mose?
We come back from ads with the two of them still grappling. Dwight fakes an injury to his fresh appendix scar, only to surprise-attack Jim. Meanwhile, in the boardroom, Nellie and Kathy are stressing about Dwight's absence while Packer offers to step in to take Dwight's place. "I got the info down backwards, forwards, and doggystyle," he boasts. Nellie calls the room to order and introduces Packer as the new Vice President of Saber Retail on the spot. Packer turns and dramatically addresses the room: "'Sup?"
Andy's packing up Erin's stuff at reception and the troops in the bullpen notice how upset he is. It turns out that Andy's the last to know. "Thought you checked my Tumblr," Ryan guilts Andy. Pam points out that they can find a new receptionist -- especially with the three-week head start of doing nothing that they've got -- but Andy is still pretty upset. Because he doesn't want just any receptionist, you know. He wants a receptionist as stupid as the missing one.
Dwight makes like he's going to run right through Jim, but tries a Jackie Chan bounce off the wall and lands on the floor instead. Jackie Chan may sue.
Kevin now has Toby and Darryl recording his outgoing voice mail greeting pretending to be hot girls. "I don't know, they might think we're drag queens,' Darryl says. He announces that he and Toby are both quitting, and they do a joint TH in which they both say there are limits. thing you know, Kevin is so desperate for them to sell him some cookies that he's singing and dancing for them, and when that doesn't work he kisses Meredith. "That's... so good," he says, as Meredith grabs him by his tie. Cool, does this mean they'll be a couple in 58 episodes?
Jim and Dwight's wrestling comes to an awkward, ugly ending. Dwight straightens himself up, makes himself presentable (actually, the fight has made his hair look better than ever), and enters the boardroom just in time to hear Robert publicly blaming Packer for "utterly botching" the execution of Jo's "brilliant" idea for the Sabre store. Packer tries to throw Dwight under this unstoppable bus, but Robert pretends not to buy it. "He clearly had the infinite wisdom to stay as far away from this clown show as possible." Nellie steps in and tells Robert not to blame Packer... but his upbringing and culture. "Fire the employee, yes, but not the man. You may not cancel his soul." Robert: "That was never on the table." Really? That's a pity. Without anyone having noticed his entrance, Dwight sees Robert fire Packer and then trudges back to the hallway, where Jim's still sitting on the floor. Dwight reaches a hand down to Jim, hauls him to his feet, and marches on sadly to the elevator. How lucky for both of them that all it took to stop the massive grinding gears that were destined to pulverize Dwight was keeping him out of the boardroom. Jim just smiles at Dwight's back, grinning about the good deed he did today and knowing that's the most gratitude Dwight's ever going to show him. Yep, thanks a lump, Jim. Now if you could just do that again when Dwight tries to leave for that spinoff.
Dwight, Jim, and Stanley walk back into the Scranton office, because why would they just go home from the airport like normal people? And how long is this day, anyway? They're greeted like returning heroes, even though Dwight and Stanley both look miserable. Kelly wonders what Dwight's even doing back and Jim easily deflects her question by commenting on her apparent weight loss. Phyllis greets Stanley, and Jim and Pam make everyone watch them kiss hello. Nobody has a harder time with that than Andy, who, in his office, dramatically declares, "I'm going to Florida to get Erin." And he rushes right out of there. Well, as quickly as he can, given that his computer is taking a while to shut down.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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