It's time for Dunder-Mifflin's buyer to show up. It's Sabre (pronounced like the weapon, and not "Sob-Ray" as everyone initially thought). Michael is excited at first, but when he learns that the branch is going to have to make some changes -- the kind of changes you might expect to be made when the place is taken over by grown-ups -- he can't stand it. He gets to complain directly to the new CEO, played by Kathy Bates. She's got a negative amount of time for his whining, so off he goes to pick the brain of his ex-boss, David Wallace. Who is no help, but seeing Wallace unemployed and dissolute puts the fear of God in him, prompting him to go back and play nice.
Also, Jim and Pam are trying to get into a popular day care center, but their hopes end up in the toilet.
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So this is the episode that I could have sworn was scheduled for last week, right up until the moment that "Shareholders Meeting" started. I never did figure out what happened there, even after checking a highly reliable inside source. By which I mean Rainn Wilson's Twitter feed.
There's a big box by Reception, and Michael's very excited about it. It's from their new owner, a company Michael refers to as "Sob-ray." "Scissor me!" he tells Erin, and she throws him a pair that he catches wide open, somehow without losing a finger (although Pam looks at us in shocked horror). Michael opens it like an ape and passes out the largesse inside, claiming the scanner for himself. He and Dwight are busy scanning stuff in his office when Erin comes in to say the box is to be set aside for someone named Gabe Lewis, who is expected tomorrow.
For a second I'm thrown by how Ed Helms's hair looks in the opening credits. And then I realize, hey, Ed Helms is in the opening credits! About bloody time.
Michael makes an announcement to the bullpen. "Due to circumstances beyond my control--" "Impulsivity and inattention to detail," Dwight chimes in. Michael explains the situation, and Pam says maybe they can put it back together. "Impossible, he opened it like an ape," Dwight pronounces. But led by Pam and Oscar, they're willing to give it a try. After some Tetris-ing, eventually the whole staff proudly applauds their own achievement in having reassembled a big lumpy Franken-box. Inside of which Michael's cell phone is now ringing. "Erin, scissor me again, please?" "No, don't!" Pam says. Erin does. Michael again fails to lose a finger. Which probably would have ended up in the box anyway.
day, Michael leads a round of applause to welcome Gabe, a skinny tall kid from Sob-ray HQ. [The jerk from In the Loop! - Zach] Michael talking heads that he hopes it'll be okay. "Gabe seems tall," he says, and reminisces about his relationship with his old boss, David Wallace. He even shows us a picture of the two of them, with Wallace looking "okay with having a picture taken with me," as Michael says (he doesn't). Back out in the bullpen, Dwight offers Gabe a Scranton hot dog from a giant tray of them, and then becomes a huge distraction looking for a place to put it while Michael makes introductions. Actually just one introduction, referring to Jim as his protégé. Jim corrects Michael in that pleasant but persistent way he's perfected. More clapping. Andy and Erin step forward to perform a little song of welcome, and Gabe pulls out his iPhone to record it for the Sabre website. "Sabre," Michael repeats pointedly, and you can see everyone realize they've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time. The song, based on "Party in the U.S.A." (and thanks to my viewing partner Chao for knowing that) goes fine, except the part where they're totally thrown because the lyrics still include the name "Sob-ray." Gabe stops recording.
Jim is being a giant dork about a day care that he and Pam are checking out, four blocks from the office, that they hope they can get into. "But if not, there's always the army." And then he naughtily adds, "The infantry." Married four months and Pam is already barely tolerating his worst jokes.
There's an introductory video featuring Christian Slater, saying nothing that makes any sense (although Michael is totally star-struck). And at the end, there's Kathy Bates as Sabre CEO Jo Bennett, welcoming viewers to Sabre while Christian Slater smirks Waldo-like across the background. In his office, Jim THs, in a surprisingly passable Christian Slater voice, "So you've just been shown a nonsensical video. You're probably wondering, what's going on? Well, you're not alone." Michael, of course, is impressed. Gabe starts his explanation, saying Sabre mostly sells printers, so they should start thinking of themselves as a company that sells printers and paper. "Perfect!" Michael response. Then in his office, he whining-heads, "No, don't like that."
Back in the meeting, Meredith wants to hear about vacation days. Apparently they get two weeks, which they don't even have much time to complain about before Meredith notices a bespectacled guy out in the bullpen. Gabe says that's Nick, the new IT guy, setting up web filters, which will block YouTube. "Mmmm, nope, don't like that," Michael THs. Wait until Meredith finds her solitaire gone. Gabe also hands out aluminum water bottles with the Sabre logo on them, which Michael objects to. That not only cuts out the 20 tiny Dixie cups he goes through every day, it also cuts out his 20 trips to the water cooler when he checks on people and has 20 little conversations with Stanley. "That's okay," Stanley says from the back. At least it's the real Stanley.
Michael THs that he's excited about the new company. "But 70 percent of me is water, and the other part... thinks that all of these changes suck ba--"
Commercials.
There's a line for people to fill up their aluminum containers at the water cooler, and Michael's pretty bitter when Toby empties the bottle before Michael's turn comes. I think we all know that this is the kind of thing that, to Michael, falls under the category of "last straw." Later, in the kitchen, Michael complains to Gabe about all the changes. Gabe says there's nothing he can do, as they're all a matter of policy, but when Michael cheerfully offers to call some higher-ups and talk to them himself, Gabe suddenly comes over a lot more helpful.
Jim and Pam love the day care center the minute they walk in. Jim even likes the cute little signs on the unisex bathroom door. For some idiotic reason I'll never understand, he opens it, and a full-grown bearded dude on the throne in there waves him away. Stunned, Jim goes right over and tells Pam. They worry that this might be the guy they're supposed to be meeting with. Well, would they rather it was some random guy who wandered in off the street to take a dump?
Erin thinks Andy is going to ask her out any time, and that when he does, it's going to be even better than the twelve drummers drumming. But Andy thinks the ball is in Erin's court. This is going to be a dead ball. For a very long time.
In the conference room, Michael stands over Gabe while he has a laptop videoconference with Jo Bennett, although he stays out of sight of the webcam. Jo seems like a very hands-on CEO. Noticing Gabe is distracted by someone behind her, she orders Gabe to turn the laptop around so she can talk to him directly. And that's how Michael meets the new CEO. They start off pleasantly enough, but when he complains to her about all the changes, she is the opposite of receptive. In fact, she gives Michael until the end of the day to tell Gabe again that he can't handle them, and Michael offers to tell him right now. "I would take until the end of the day," Jo says very firmly. Without another word, Michael walks out. Out of the conference room, and out of the building, and in his car and out of the parking lot, hurling his new aluminum Sabre bottle out his window as he goes. And of course he spiders someone's windshield.
Jim and Pam wait for their meeting, and out comes Joey Slotnick as Jerry, the guy Jim just walked in on. Jerry doesn't seem to be too weird about what happened before -- but Jim is weird enough for both of them, blathering about how they were a little early, and took a quick look, but not a real look, if you know what he means. When Jerry goes to take a cell phone call, Pam tells Jim to pull it together. That'll work. Jim suggests just bringing it up and getting it out there. As though Jim has hit on pure genius, Pam tells him that's the weirdest possible way to handle this.
Michael shows up at David Wallace's house. There's some loud rock drumming coming from inside, which makes me suspect that since being fired. Wallace has started a band. Wouldn't be the first one. Michael doesn't expect Wallace to be happy to see him unannounced, because no one ever is. Except they are when Michael least expects them to be, and Wallace is no exception. He opens the door, unshaven, and excited to see Michael, and the drummer turns out to be his kid, Teddy. Wallace happily leads Michael back to the kitchen for marshmallow fluff sandwiches. Mrs. Wallace comes in, wondering what her husband is up to. She's trying to be cool about it in front of company, but it's clear that the whole funemployment thing is wearing thin for her. Fortunately, Wallace is seized with a timely wave of ambition. "Maybe we'll go outside," he suggests.
Pam and Jim are in Jerry's office, and although they want to talk logistics, Jerry is taking every opportunity to remind them they're not in yet. "Is this because Jim walked in on you going to the bathroom?" Pam asks. Jerry looks at Jim disgustedly. "Seriously, you told her?" He wonders why they think that has anything to do with anything, and after listening to Pam say they're nice people, he actually asks them, "Did you ever wonder that you might not be as charming as you think you are?" Yeah, that's starting to become a growing consensus. "
Michael is out back with Wallace in his hot tub, and Wallace has absolutely no ideas for how Michael should deal with his problem. Which is not to say he has no ideas at all. In fact, he pitches Michael a concept for a vacuum cleaner that picks up kids' toys.
Andy goes up to Erin at Reception and asks if she has any plans for the weekend. He tries to hint her into asking him out, but she doesn't pick it up. "That's as hard as I can hint!" Andy THs frustratedly.
After they get out of the hot tub, Wallace asks Michael to join him for "Suck-It." Which sounds terrifying, and is only slightly less so when Wallace explains that that's the name for his toy-vacuum idea. Michael? Cannot get out of there fast enough.
He returns to the office with five gallons of orange juice for a toast. He's also retrieved his Sabre drink bottle, with a visible dent on the bottom. I wonder if the thing will even stand up any more After a little TH where he expresses his doubts about people who say getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them (because look at what David Wallace has become), Michael says he wants to propose a toast. He makes a few abortive attempts, none of which the staff accepts as a toast. "Just because you have liquid doesn't make it a toast," Kevin protests. Finally Michael manages, "To us and to Sabre." Everyone drinks. Were you wondering how orange juice would taste in an aluminum vessel? Everyone's faces tell the story. "That is metallicky," Michael pronounces. "Like drinking a battery." Fortunately he's not astute enough to read too much significance into expecting a sweet moment and winding up with a mouthful of bitterness.
The tag is Wallace and kid in their living room. With Teddy on drums, Wallace plays keyboard and raps a jingle for his toy-vac. "Suck It! Suck It! Pull out the nozzle and Suck It!" Teddy brings it home with a smoking drum fill. Not the valedictory we expected for David Wallace, which is what makes it perfect.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.