Because Dunder-Mifflin is being sold, an investment banker is coming by the branch to check things out. Of course, Michael is savvy enough to know he can't let the visitor leave with an accurate impression, so he makes a few changes, from having Dwight impersonate a computerized assistant to scooting around the office on a Segway to temporarily swapping out Stanley for a different black guy. But none of that keeps the visitor from meeting with Toby, who ends up mentally hosting a clip show. Way to remind us how much funnier you used to be, The Office. Although, on the plus side, it's going to be so easy to weecap.
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Michael explains that with the company being sold, an investment banker is coming to check out the branch. As said banker walks past the new red sports car in Michael's parking spot, Michael explains about all the "cosmetic tweaks" he's been making. Which he compares to the things like a push-up bra, makeup, and other things that have made Lady Gaga a star, along with numerous other drag queens. Edgy!
The banker enters the office, and before he's said more than "Hi" to Erin at Reception, a robotic voice intones, "Hello. Eric. Ward. Welcome. To Dunder Mifflin. I am Computron, your answer to everything." Of course it's just Dwight's voice, coming out of multiple speakerphones. Michael comes out of his office on a Segway (wearing a helmet, of course) to greet Eric and boast about his modern upgrades. He shows off by asking "Computron" what the world's largest ocean is. We hear Dwight repeat "calculating" long enough to Google it and come back with "Pacific!" Andy calls over to report that they're now the official paper supplier of the NFL. Michael introduces Pam, who waits through a tangent from Computron about the NFL before greeting Eric with an "Hola, bonjour, ni hao." Then she talking-heads that with Corporate in New York having been cleaned out, Michael is now the highest-ranking employee of Dunder Mifflin. "So that's where we are." Michael rolls over to say hello to Stanley. "Hi!" says a young, friendly guy who is so not Stanley. But of course he's there because of Michael, so he's still black. Pam THs, "Not on board with the fake Stanley. Although I get it." Eric tells Michael he just wants to visit the warehouse and talk to HR, but Michael wants to show him around and boast about the local seafood. Which turns into a pissing match with Computron.
We see Eric going through the warehouse with a clipboard as he explains about due diligence. "I'm a glorified fact-checker," he says before admitting that he's not even all that glorified.
Afterwards, Michael leads Eric through the kitchen (closing the door on Ryan's office as he goes) to introduce him to their HR rep, Toby Flenderson. "Have fun, you two," he says. "Oh, we will," Dwight says, smugly swiveling around in Toby's chair. Michael whispering-heads, "I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories of 1999 in Toby's favorite stall, so yes, I think I bought us some time." Diabolical! And gross. Except Dwight is already insulting Eric, so that may not be a good thing. Toby returns, wanting to know what's going on. Dwight tries to get rid of him, but Toby persists, calling him Dwight. "You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman, and the creator of Computron. I wear many hats. And the one I'm wearing currently is that of gracious host. Welcome!" And then he bails.
Toby sits down, and Eric starts out by asking about any liability issues having to do with safety or injuries. Toby lies, "Nothing comes to mind."
But nothing has to, because here we are, about to start the clip show portion of the episode. Yes, this is a clip show. A month and a half off, and this is what they come up with? Well, I'm telling you right now that I'm not going to be linking to all the old weecaps. I'm not even sure I could find them all. But here goes:
Clip of Michael in the warehouse, operating the forklift despite Darryl's objections and knocking over a row of shelving units. Clip of Meredith bouncing off the hood of Michael's car in the parking lot. Potato gun getting fired at the blow-up doll with Michael's face and going through the window of the warehouse office instead. Clip of Michael and Dwight throwing a watermelon off the roof of the building, only to have it bounce onto the roof of Stanley's car. Clip of Andy hurting himself attempting parkour. Long clip from last year's Super Bowl episode of Dwight's fire drill with real fire, and the pandemonium that ensued. Clip of Jim driving Dwight in the back seat of his car and squeaking the brakes to make Dwight hit his head. Clip of Dwight capturing the bat and nearly suffocating Meredith in the process. Really, the rest of the episode is going to go like this, so if you want to ditch out on this now, I won't be hurt. Jealous, but not hurt.
"Are people generally happy?" Eric asks Toby. Toby just laughs and philosophizes weakly about the nature of happiness until they agree on "generally happy."
Clip of Andy putting his fist through the wall. Clip of Pam nearly putting her fist through Michael's head. Dwight double-gut-punches Michael. Jim bitch-slaps Dwight. Dwight Kruschevs a blindfolded Michael on the head. Phyllis bounces a ball of paper off Angela's face. Michael does his offensive "Indian" voice until Kelly slaps him. Oscar pushes past Angela. "Can't we all just get along?" Michael asks his staff as they leave a meeting. "Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King?"
Eric asks Toby about other issues, like sexual harassment. Toby goes with "I don't know."
Clip of Michael going on inappropriately about the picture of Stanley's daughter in her Catholic school outfit at Stanley's desk. Pam entering Michael's office when he's changing his pants. Meredith's revealing "casual day" outfit. Michael flirting with Phyllis and says the only thing he's worried about is "gettin' a boner." Dwight asking the staff about "inverted penis" in the health care episode, and having to have Meredith explain the difference between a uterus and a vagina and which one you still have after a hysterectomy. An entire "that's what she said" montage.
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Toby THs, "I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie. And I don't want to tell the truth.
When we come back, Michael joins Toby, pretending to be idly interested in what they're talking about when in fact he's scared shitless. The subject on the list is waste, as in "waste of time and resources." Like this episode. Toby starts to say there's waste in any company, but Michael insists they're the exception. And to prove it, here are some more clips!
Michael and Dwight trash the Accounting department. Phyllis beats Kevin at Flonkerton in the office Olympics. Dwight's desk is missing. And then it's completely giftwrapped, yet hollow. And then it contains a stapler in Jello, going way back to the pilot. Michael in a fat suit. Stanley kicking Jim's ass in sumo wrestling. Jim impersonating Dwight at Dwight.
"Is anyone near retirement age?" Eric asks. Montage of Creed being creepy, at Bring Your Child to Work Day and talking about his mung beans during Conflict Resolution, and then yammering about Dwight having been decapitated. After the one clip package that's too short, we see Eric on his cell phone while Dwight eavesdrops around the corner. "I think I'm going to be here for a while," Eric tells the person on the phone.
Back from yet more ads, Michael speechifies to Eric, "This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive." Toby says this is inappropriate, and even Michael agrees with that. So there's some clips of kissing. Jan kisses Michael. Angela kisses Andy. Dwight kisses Angela. Jim is blown away at the sight of Dwight kissing Angela. Darryl tells Kelly he likes her, "But you need to access your uncrazy side." Kelly pastes herself to Ryan in the kitchen. Michael yells at Jan at their dinner party about his three vasectomies. Ryan and Kelly argue, and she tells him she's pregnant, then simply shakes her head. Michael makes everyone watch him kiss Oscar.
And then it's a whole sequence of Jim and Pam's greatest hits. She falls off her barstool at the Dundies. She torments him when he's under her no-talking jinx. They share his iPod, and then the song plays over the whole rest of the sequence, which is a chronology of their relationship. Jim looks pained as Pam kisses Roy during the basketball episode, less so when she kisses Jim at the Dundies. Jim gives Pam her teapot. The aftermath of their kiss at Casino Night. Pam's TH about how she's cool with nothing happening with Jim, even as he's stranding his girlfriend in New York so he can drive back to Scranton and ask Pam out. Jim proposes to Pam at a gas station in the rain. They kiss at their wedding, and we see them at their real wedding on the Maid of the Mist, happily damp and bedraggled. The bit ends with Pam resting her head on Jim's shoulder that first time during a dull meeting. Jim and Pam, everybody!
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Finally, Michael and Toby show Eric out, as everyone says their overly friendly goodbyes in the bullpen. Michael claims to feel sorry for Eric, because he can't have any idea what they're capable of. "What is Jim capable of? Or Pam? Or Kevin?" Spilling a Dutch oven full of chili on the carpet, according to the clip.
But the clips aren't over! Darryl plays his song about Dunder Mifflin over a batch of more of them that go by too fast to break down. Well, I guess I could, if I wanted to, but I don't. "We have only just begun," Michael concludes. And his speakerphone adds, "Computron... experiencing... emotion." Michael tries to shut Computron up, without success.
And the tag is simply "Lazy Scranton" in its entirety, for no reason. Hey, maybe week at this time The Office will be on!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then check out our guide to Michael's Best and Worst Career Moves.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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