Aaand, we're back. No teaser this week, just right into the familiar main titles, complete with Krasinski-shot Scranton B-roll. Once that's over, we get a title card that reads "Week 1 -- June 30." The conference room is the scene of a huge banquet containing all the most fattening foods you can imagine, up to and including a custard fountain. Michael talking-heads that Corporate is sponsoring a weight-loss contest, and the branch that loses the most weight wins three extra vacation days. Back in the conference room, Dwight puts a conclusive end to talk about leftovers -- and the banquet itself -- by spraying everything with Raid.
Everyone then heads down the warehouse for the official weigh-in. "Don't go breakin' my scale," Darryl warns. They couldn't if they tried. Andy THs that he wants to have washboard abs for the first time Angela sees him naked. Dwight offers everyone one last bite of éclair. "Hold it in your mouth, don't swallow." Jim smirks like he's the 12-year-old he is, because you know that's what she said. But Michael lets it go by, because he's standing right to Holly and thus behaving himself. Darryl announces the collective starting weight: 2,336 pounds. Pam gets kicked off, because she won't be there week, and she's already looking a little sad about her upcoming departure as the new weight turns out to be 2,210 pounds. There's a long pause while everyone does some math in their heads. Naturally, the chronically tact-challenged -- and math-challenged -- Kevin is the first to speak: "You weigh 226 pounds!" Pam is torn between wanting to set the record straight and just moving on. "Math is hard," Holly tells Kevin supportively. [Isn't Kevin an accountant? I know he's dim, but I thought he was at least good with numbers. - Zach]
On the second Monday, Stanley takes the stairs and shows off a photo of himself at his fighting weight -- almost literally, in a militant group in the '60s. And Holly is teaching a yoga class. After that lets out, Michael goes straight to the "being friends with Holly" class that Jim has apparently been teaching him. Michael's doing well, but he can't not talk about Holly's butt. Hopefully Jim will be grading on a curve.
Dwight replaces the vending machine crap with produce, with the help of a clawhammer. Delicious and nutritious.
Oscar recommends a yoga class to Holly, and the teacher as well. "I'm a lesbian," Holly deadpans. "I'm gay!" Oscar says happily. So then Holly has to back down, which is pretty impressive to see while she's digging a hole. But Oscar says he's just messing with her. Which is kind of too bad, but these two are going to have their own subplot, so we'll just have to accept it.
Pam is excited about going to New York for her classes, which of course Dwight ruins by asking her to fax something.
Andy pitches a wedding locale to Angela, but she rudely shoots him down and then dials Dwight's pager from her desk phone. Yes, that was a booty call, as we see them emerging from the warehouse storage room they're apparently using as a love nest.
Michael looks out his window and sees Jim walking Pam to her car, so he panics and literally falls down the stairs to say his goodbyes. Once he reaches the parking lot, disheveled and breathless, he wants to go back and get his poem, but Pam wants to get goin'. And that little couplet there is already better than whatever Michael would have come up with. As Pam drives off, Jim gets a kiss goodbye, but Michael doesn't, not for lack of trying.
Jim THs about why he hasn't proposed to Pam yet. Basically they agreed that they don't want to spend the first three months of their engagement apart, and she doesn't want a long engagement. "Something in her past, I guess..." Jim speculates. He should ask her about that some time. I bet it's a great story.
At the second weigh-in, Michael insists on everyone being in the same position, mainly so he can be to Holly again. Darryl announces that they lost 31 pounds, and everyone cheers. Jim THs that Michael is doing great with Holly, and he's figures out why: "It's because Holly is kind of a major dork!" I hope that's meant as being appreciative of the magical love that can bloom between dorks, because, really, come on. He and Pam are hot, but that doesn't make them not dorky. But then I have to take that back, because we get a jolt of dork-spective in the form of Michael and Holly rapping and beatboxing at the camera.
Week 3, July 14. The temp receptionist is a middle-aged woman, and Jim just puts it out there: "I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her in the few years, and eventually declare my love for her."
Pam's in the wrong class at design school, and when she tries to leave, the teacher tells her to sit down. Pam, being Pam, does. This is not a good start.
Kelly's on her "cleanse" diet, and she looks like she's dying. "Gonna look amazing," she droning-heads.
Jan shows up, giving Ronnie copying work like she's still the boss. She's all smug because her candles were used at a local vigil for a missing girl. "They found her?" she asks, poorly hiding her disappointment. Michael greets her and her growing baby bump with a whole "Who's your daddy?" bit, and a pained Jim reports that Michael initially told everyone he was the baby's father. Don't worry, I'm sure there'll be a lot more to this storyline in later episodes.
Holly asks Oscar who Jan is, and he tells her it's Michael's ex. "She's also clinically insane," he adds. So, watching Michael rub Jan's feet through the window of his office, Holly tells Oscar to go ahead and give his yoga teacher her number. Suddenly, the sound of Angela bitching Kevin out brings Holly rushing across the floor to his defense. "He is not an idiot! He is mentally challenged!" she shouts for the whole bullpen to hear. Kevin is glad for the assist at first, then says, "Wait, back up. Do you think that I'm retarded?" Holly just stutters Dwight's name, and Angela smugly lectures, "Holly, that is very offensive." I'm kind of sad that this gag is over, but it's probably just as well that it's not going to be milked dry. Kevin looks as sad as me, but for different reasons.
Andy pitches four more wedding locations to Angela, which she shoots down and then gets some more quality time with Little Dwight. Then she THs about the details of her conservative bedtime routine and concludes defensively, "That's how I sleep at night."
Jim gets Pam on a live webcam at his desk, to Dwight's chagrin and Michael's delight. Michael picks up the laptop and carries her helplessly around, taking a moment to roast her temp replacement and then carrying the laptop off to the supply room so she can help him find paper clips.
We then see the laptop in the interview chair, as Pam talking-laptops about how great New York is. "Can you give me back to Jim now, please?"
At the weigh-in, everyone has gained back five pounds. And Kelly collapses.
Week 4, July 21. Andy finishes his jumping jacks before getting on the scale, and the results are a collective loss of one pound. Kelly's back from the hospital, and Stanley's pleased about having lost four pounds.
Phyllis has taken over as the head of the party planning committee. "I was just in the right place at the right time." Read: she busted Angela with Dwight and is blackmailing her.
Oh, and Michael has grown a goatee for reasons that will be made clear later. He busts into the party planning committee, and complains about the talk of cake when everyone's supposed to be losing weight. He THs about their lack of willpower, holding himself up as an example: "I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years." I don't think that was an issue of willpower. For anyone, really.
So he calls a come-to-Jesus meeting about weight loss. He wants everyone to pledge to lose five pounds. Which, combined with the 65 pounds Jim dryly says he plans to lose, should put them over the top.
Jim's on his way out to see Pam, and Michael tosses him a condom. "I don't want you to have to worry about a surprise pregnancy like me," he says. So...many...levels...
Angela has finally presented Andy with a list of requirements for their wedding location: "A thousand-year-old church in the continental United States, there has to be a rainbow, a 24-hour veterinarian on call..." As Andy balks at the list, Angela has dialed her phone, and Dwight's pager hums. As he heads down to the warehouse, Andy tells Angela a sweet but dorky speech about how he'll marry her anywhere. She actually melts a little and pecks him on the lips before returning to her desk. And down in the warehouse, Dwight is left hanging. Not literally, fortunately.
Jim knocks on a dorm room labeled "Pam Beesly, Resident Advisor." She greets him happily and amorously, and Jim shuts the camera crew out with the oldest trick in the book, which basically consists of, "Look, there's Pam's art." I think that might actually be older than the book.
Stanley's birthday party is a sober affair, with bottled water and fruit. "Does anyone want to dance?" Ronnie asks. Nobody does. In fact, nobody wants to be at the party any more after that.
And Jim's watching TV in the common room while Pam deals with a resident. Advises her, if you will. "I'm waiting it out," he says, with significance that might just escape one upon first viewing.
At DM-Scranton, some of the gang has holed up with cheesecake in the warehouse storage room. Dwight comes to tattle to Michael, Holly, and Ronnie, and they sneak down to spy on the after-party. Michael suggests they get revenge by all going mini-golfing, and Holly drops the news that she has a date that night, carefully watching Michael's reaction. Michael is about to choke, but he pulls it together and says that men from Scranton are handsome, and know how to show a woman a good time. "Not that guy who murdered his mother," Dwight corrects. "He was not so handsome. Also, Kevin." Michael even gives Holly the rest of the day off, and then he and Dwight raid the supply room party. "Happy birthday, Stanley!" Dwight sneers, kicking the cheesecake. Of course it gets all over Michael's suit.
Week 5, July 28. More desperate measures are in place; Creed's using a postal scale and a credit card to measure out rice portions, and Holly's doing lunges with every step she takes. She explains that they haven't lost much, but the other branches aren't doing any better, so corporate upped the prize to five vacation days. "So if we stay fat long enough, we might actually get a whole month off."
In the kitchen, Kelly and Creed glare at Kevin and his peanut butter. "Some of us are taking this really seriously," Kelly lectures. Seriously; Kelly THs that she swallowed a tapeworm she bought from Creed. "That wasn't a tapeworm," Creed THs. Still not wanting to know, when it comes to Creed.
Enter Ryan, in a half-goatee, not receiving the conquering-hero welcome he expects. So he sets himself up at... Reception. Yes, he's back at the temp agency, and thus back at DM-Scranton, thanks to a desperate call from Michael to the temp agency. Seeing Michael's new goatee, he asks if Michael grew it after helping him move. "Go...tee!" Michael confirms. Kevin greets Ryan as "Fire...d Guy." Don't worry about Ryan, though; he's keeping a list of people who have wronged him for when he's back on top. Ryan goes over to Jim to apologize for last season, and says he's even volunteering. Jim accepts the apology, but asks if Ryan's talking about the court-ordered community service. And that's a new entry on Ryan's list.
At the weigh-in, there's no change, and tempers are flaring. Andy THs, "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life."
Hearing Holly tell Oscar about her date, Michael lets out a moan. Everyone freezes, and the moment stretches out. Not enough to make an hourlong episode, but close. I shouldn't complain. There's nowhere near the amount of padding in this episode that we saw last season. I think that at this time last year, Michael was imagining deities out loud, reeeaally slowly. Anyway, Michael calls Jim into his office to yell at him for sabotaging him with Holly. Well, jeez, Michael, you're the one who took advice from someone who took three years to ask Pam out.
Dwight announces that he's going to "randomly" select three names to get liposuction on their own dime: "StanleyPhyllisKevin."
Ryan comes back to the annex to apologize to Kelly. "I was in my mid-20s, I was going through a lot of stuff, I never really processed 9/11." Still on the excuse overkill, I see. Ryan asks her out for a drink, but she shoots him down. Good for her.
Dwight apologizes to Phyllis, and offers to make it up to her by bringing her in on a Shrute Fire Sale. She takes him up on it for a 40% share of the commission.
And Kelly makes out with Darryl right to the reception desk for Ryan's...well, not benefit, exactly.
In the break room -- with the produce rotting in the vending machine -- Holly, Michael, and Jim share lunch. Kind of an adjustment for Jim. "It will force me to become acquaintances with people I consider co-workers."
Pam's in the student union or whatever, hanging with a group of students. One of them makes a joke about an old lady being an ex of his, and clearly Jim is writing his dialogue. Of course, when Jim calls, Pam blows him off. "I made friends," she tells him happily. For a moment I wish this were not a TV show, because in real life that moment would be nothing, but when it comes to the little people in the box, things like this never bode well.
Phyllis comes storming into the office, all sweaty because Dwight ditched her five miles away and made her walk back. "And you burned over a thousand calories," Dwight congratulates her. Phyllis goes right to her phone and dials for David Wallace. You think she's going to mention that Dwight haggled with her over the commission split?
Week 6, August 4. As Dwight hangs a sign reading "No weigh-in this week," Holly reads a memo from Corporate warning against extreme dieting techniques. Michael interrupts, lumbering in wearing what looks like a fat suit under a new business suit. He hangs up photos of Jabba the Hutt, the Sta-Puft Marshmallow man, etc. He THs that it's his sumo suit, half-inflated. "I'm so glad that I bought instead of renting." Back in the meeting, Michael starts in on a rant about body image and society, which kind of gets derailed when the crew calls him on doing "Michael Klump," his "making fun of fat people" character. Michael suddenly notices that Ryan is clean-shaven, and wonders why. Ryan doesn't answer. We all know the answer.
In a lecture, Pam's new buddy shows her a cartoon poking fun at their bearded professor. Except for the "fun" part. You, sir, are no Jim Halpert.
In the meeting, Michael wrings an insincere apology from Dwight to Phyllis, and reminds everyone that the contest is about being healthy. He makes Kelly stand on a chair so everyone can compliment her. Ryan stands up first, saying she's perfect in every way, and others chime in about her nails, her dress, her butt. Michael tells her she's beautiful, and hugs her while burying his face in her chest. Fortunately, Jim has a TH complaining about his summer that makes it all better.
Week 7, August 11. Michael shows Ryan his own clean-shaven face. "We are the goatee-less brothers," he says. Dwight's shame is visible behind his own nascent goatee. On the scale, Michael cuts off Oscar's questions about Holly's date, calling it "girl talk." The good news is they lost four pounds.
Jim's on the phone with Pam about their weekend plans, and he gets tired of Dwight's eavesdropping so they switch to IM. "What are you writing?" Dwight demands. Jim is just making plans to meet Pam halfway for lunch, but expertly facing Dwight down at the same time. That's what makes Jim Jim. Got that, floppy-haired, wiseass art student? Pam sends Jim a link to her "summer project," a portrait of Dwight. I think this makes him her favorite subject.
Holly comes into Michael's office with news. He cuts her off to ask about her date, who still hasn't called, even though she has two tickets to Counting Crows that night. So she's going to 1994? I wonder if she'd bring back a message for 24-year-old me, because there's some shit I could have stood knowing then. Michael somehow manages not to make a play to be her replacement date, even though it's clear to all of us at home that she's really wishing he would. Anyway, the reason she's here is to give the results of the contest: Utica beat them by eight pounds. I wonder if Karen hired Tony Gardner back. Michael asks, "Wait, can we have 'til the end of the day?" So they go out to the bullpen to tell everyone what they're thinking. Andy's got a plan -- he pins the thermostat on the top setting so everyone can sweat it out. How that's going to work when everyone's going to be sweating into the same clothes they'll be wearing onto the scale is beyond me. "Andy Bernard does not lose contests," he THs. "He wins them. Or he quits them because they're unfair."
Kelly's enjoying her unhealthy lunch in the break room when Michael comes in to give her a hard time about it, because he has the memory of a goldfish. Jim enters to say he's off to lunch with a client, which Michael says is fine. "Nothing but water," he orders, "and be back by weigh-in." Jim agrees. I hope not being able to eat doesn't interfere with his lunch plans. What? Not like that.
Wearing garbage bags, Dwight sprays the bug-infested nightmare inside the vending machine with Raid. And Angela has decided to get reasonable with Andy, asking if their first dance can be to "The Little Drummer Boy." Andy's only too happy to oblige, plus, "the guys already know it." "The guys" being "Nothing But Treble," his old a capella group, who he booked for the wedding, and who will be his collective best man, AND who will be staying with them for three weeks. Angela's uncertain about this, which Andy calls a deal-breaker. But then he backs off the hardline attitude, trying to jolly her along by rattling off all their horrible nicknames. Of which there are dismayingly many. Andy's for the record, is "Boner Champ." So the thing you know, Dwight's pager is humming again.
At a windy, rainy gas station somewhere, Jim meets Pam. She's still complaining good-naturedly about which of them had to drive further when he drops to one knee right there on the concrete slab to the gas pumps and proposes. "I can't wait any more," he says. Who is this guy? She happily says yes. They kiss, they hug. It's everything you imagined, except it's at a windy, rainy rest stop and she has a class at 4:00 and he has to rush back to Scranton to get weighed. Their grandkids won't believe it. Good thing it's on film.
Back at the warehouse, everyone's waiting around for Jim to return. Holly tells Michael she's giving up on the yoga teacher, and even shows Michael her tickets so he can see the great seats. Michael offers to buy them from her -- "Trust me," he grins -- and then when she hands them over, he tears them up, to her horror. "I just want you to forget about him," he tells her. And then he wants to pay her tomorrow. Oh. Michael.
Jim arrives, soaked from the rain, which is going to add another couple of pounds right there. "Wet Tuna," Andy says obligatorily. The weight loss isn't enough to win, but Michael encouragingly tells them that in the end, to him, they're all gigantic losers after all. Stanley happily THs that he lost seven pounds, and plans to take five days off after all. Was there ever any doubt that he would?
Epilogue: A hospital ward in Costa Rica. Toby is in bed with a neck brace on. It turns out he went zip-lining on his third day in-country, and the harness wasn't fastened properly, and he broke his neck. He's been in the hospital for five weeks. He never even got to see the beach. ...So he went zip-lining before he even went to the beach? Isn't zip-lining what you do when you get bored of doing everything else? Poor, stupid Toby.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read what Amy "Holly" Ryan and producer Paul "Toby" Leiberstein have to say about Season 5 in the Telefile!
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.