Ready for the last Jim vs. Dwight prank of the season? Jim has redirected Dwight's cell phone to his own headset, allowing Jim to take Dwight's calls and pretend to be Dwight. This also includes calls to Dwight's desk phone. Pam calls Dwight and flirts with Jim-as-Dwight, then acts all confused when Dwight tries to straighten her out. Jim even takes a personal call: "Oh, hello, Mater. Good news; I've married! Tell Vater!" Click. Dwight begins smashing his cell phone. That's two Jim owes him.
Michael is so excited about it being Toby's last day at Dunder Mifflin that he's shown up at work before everyone else -- including the sun. Toby arrives, exchanges polite greeting with Michael, and gets a hug from Kelly, who feels weird. Cut to Michael presiding over the Party Planning Committee meeting for Toby's going-away party. He's not too chuffed about their modest plans, and basically wants a New Orleans funeral. Angela finally puts her foot down, saying there's no money for anything beyond the basics -- a cake and a two-slide slideshow. Michael pulls out a stack of cash he got from his senile grandmother and starts asking about antigravity machines. For once, Angela refuses to budge when Michael asks too much of the Party Planning Committee, so Michael hits her where she lives: he turns to Phyllis to take over.
In walks Holly, the new HR rep. She's played by Amy Ryan, which is very exciting to people who have seen The Wire and Gone Baby Gone, which is to say, people other than me. Although I will say she's awesome here, so now I'm excited too. In a Talking Head spot, Toby says that he's got one day to train her. Hope nothing distracts them.
Pam sees something exciting on her computer, but has to go to the break room to tell Jim: she's gotten into the Pratt School of Design -- at least according to the skimming she gave the e-mail message. Jim ignores the loud alarm bells going off in my head and is simply thrilled for her, even though it'll mean a three-month separation while she goes to New York. "The timing's perfect," Pam THs, excitedly noting that's the first time she's used that word here. Although I'm sure a forum poster or two will have some counterexamples up for us by the time you read this.
Michael watches Holly through his office blinds, having already decided that he already hates her. Apparently his HR enmity is transferable. Dwight quickly agrees for the sake of it, which Michael calls him on for once. Something they actually do agree on is how to haze her: sell her an elevator pass. I'm going to tell you right now that there is not going to be an elevator pass.
Phyllis is working the phones in search of antigravity, but is only coming up with antidepressants. Think she's going to need them?
Toby brings Holly into Michael's office to introduce them, and Michael is predictably a jerk to her. But she totally disarms him by not rising to it and even teasing Toby a little bit, and Michael is clearly already in the process of being won over. Leave it to Michael to see beyond superficial things like an HR job title and realize that she's hot.
Holly meets Creed, and asks what he does. He freezes, and the first padding of the episode is Creed in a TH, taking forever to remember the phrase "quality assurance" and still failing. Thanks, Creed! See you year!
Dwight tells Holly that Kevin is "slow," and then THs that "Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked." And then there's the moment where Kevin meets Holly, and I wish I could say he's playing along with what Dwight told her, but he's just being Kevin. And because she talks to him really simply and kindly, he naturally thinks they're getting along great. Michael finally comes out to make some lame Michael-brand jokes about Holly's name, ask about her commute, and offer to make her a mix CD. Oh, Michael.
Pam presents Toby with a photo of the staff, sans Pam. She took the picture, y'see. Toby wants one with the two of them, and ends up running off to get a camera.
Meanwhile, Jim's on the phone with Ryan, telling him about the big sale he just made. Ryan is a giant ass about it, to the point of hanging up on him.
Michael calls Jim into his office to help him with Holly's mix tape that he's making to say, "Welcome to Scranton" and "I love you." Jim unwisely wades in to warn Michael that he's not in love yet, and he needs to take it slow. You know, like he did with Pam. More padding follows as Jim gives Michael work-romance advice at length. Not seasons-one-through-three length, mind you, but length nonetheless.
Jim then goes to Phyllis to suggest fireworks for the party, on his own dime. He hands her a fat envelope of cash. What's his ulterior motive? He THs, "I'm going to propose tonight. Holy crap!" Oh, there are so many ways for this to go wrong. Amazingly, it's not going to be any of the dozen things I'm predicting right now.
Kevin contemplates the vending machine. Holly comes in to help him decide and to count his change (which includes a button). I would say this is more padding, but it's hilarious how they continue to interact with each other based on their own misapprehensions about the other. See, we know what she thinks about him, but what does he think about here? "I am totally going to bang Holly," he THs.
Oh, and here's way one for Jim's proposal plan to go wrong: he's on his cell phone in the hallway, leaving a come-to-Jesus message on Ryan's voice mail. In! Advisable!
Michael enters the annex to find Holly sitting on the floor, trying to fix Toby's chair. He tries to bond with her, dropping a few yoga/Yoda jokes. She kind of figures out how to interact on his level -- or at least the level he's pretending to be at with her, which his several levels above his usual level. So he almost asks her about her weekend plans, before remembering Jim's advice and saying he'll be out of town. "Aw, so you can't make my orgy?" she teases. Ice finally broken, they both do the Lovitz "Actinnng!" thing. I am both oddly touched and kind of frightened. Afterward, Michael reports back to Jim, all giddy about his success.
Phyllis asks Angela for her vendor list, but Angela shredded it, So Phyllis knocks some of Angela's stuff on the floor.
Toby finds Michael and Holly and his chair, in pieces on the floor. The chair is in pieces, I mean. Holly and Michael, not so much. Michael tries to send Toby home, but when Toby reminds him of the exit interview, Michael's eyes light up; he's been looking forward to this. When the one-on-one interview begins in the conference room a few minutes later, Michael gives Toby a wrapped gift and starts in on a big speech about what an idiot Toby is. Except he didn't realize that Holly has to be in on the meeting too. Pam also comes in to take notes (and mess with Michael), so Michael is effectively cocksucker-blocked, if you will. He reads his prepared (and totally hostile) questions in as neutral a manner as possible, until Holly "rescues" him by passing him the official binder. The first question is how Toby would improve things, and when Toby considers actually answering, Michael gives Toby a threatening look and whispers, "I will kill you." Toby backs down, and does a little TH where he says that it's been so long since he's seen his balls he doesn't actually remember where they are. Although not in so many words. Finally, Toby opens his present from Michael: a big rock with a Post-It reading "SUCK ON THIS." Well, it could have been worse. Michael not only disavows it, but tries to the blame the bullpen. "You made me wrap it," Dwight says. "I thought it was over the line." So now Michael has to come up with a new gift, and seeing Michael flounder to come up with something, Pam suggests that Michael give Toby his watch. Which Toby accepts and immediately sets to Costa Rica time. Gracias, Miguel!
There's some commotion out in the bullpen: Jim's found a YouTube video (what? No Hulu?) of Ryan being arrested for double-entering company sales on the website. Which is, as it turns out, a little thing called fraud, according to accounting expert Oscar. Although Oscar maintains, "The real crime was the beard."
Back from ads, Michael has joined the crowd watching the video. He's heartbroken, naturally. Kelly THs a little fantasy about visiting Ryan in prison. And then Jim asks Pam to put him through to Ryan's phone so he can leave another message: "Disregard that last voice mail because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck!" Oh, not wise.
Holly asks Toby what the protocol is for Michael's blue funks. Toby says he normally leaves it alone, but Holly steps up, making Michael think she's warm enough to have worked in a bakery. Seriously, he says that.
The staff heads outside to find the parking lot transformed into a carnival. Kevin excitedly dashes over to the bouncy house, while Phyllis reminds him to take off his shoes. Darryl's band is playing, and instead of an antigravity machine, there's a Ferris wheel. Michael's cool with that. Pam spots the fireworks waiting at the far end of the lot, and gives us a look: "Is Jim gonna propose tonight?" she asks us. Now, Pam, you know I can't tell you. Voices only go through the TV one way.
While riding the Ferris wheel with Holly, Michael does the impossible: he almost says "that's what she said," but swallows it at the last second. Which, coincidentally enough, is what she said.
Dwight and Meredith break into Holly's car so Mose can stick a live raccoon in there. Holly busts them, and Michael angrily rushes over to yell at Dwight and tell everyone that Holly is the best thing since World War II. After that moment breaks up, Holly thanks Michael for sticking up for her, and leaves her hand on his arm for a little while. "Sometimes I don't know how to react when a girl touches me," an excited Michael THs afterward.
Phyllis sends Kevin to the store buy more BBQ sauce, and Holly is really quite proud of Kevin for being independently mobile and all. He waves dopily at her as he drives out, then leers at us through his other window. Oh, this is my favorite storyline of the episode, if not the entire season.
Michael takes the microphone to sing a song he's written for Toby: it's a "parody" of "Goodbye, Stranger," with about three words changed to "Toby." But since it's the entire song, it's intercut with Pam THing that she's going to miss Toby, and always thought he was kind of cute. Michael finishes his big number with the predictable falsetto histrionics.
Afterwards, Holly comes up to congratulate Michael on his performance, because she doesn't yet know about how he does this at every opportunity until everyone wants to kill themselves. Kevin calls Michael on his cell, summoning him to the grocery store. "It's a big day for him," Holly says, which Michael blandly agrees with before heading off. They share another dorky-humor moment before Michael walks to his car.
When Michael gets to the grocery store, Kevin's rolling a shopping cart out to none other than Jan. Michael isn't exactly thrilled to see her, especially as a reason for being called away from the party, but Kevin knowingly tells him, "I think you kids have a lot to catch up on." And when Kevin rolls his cart away, it reveals something about Jan that the show has been hiding about Angela since the strike ended. You guessed it -- JAN IS PREGNANT. Sorry about the all caps there, but when my jaw dropped it landed on the shift key.
Back from the ads, Michael and Jan are sitting at an outdoor table and talking. Michael is all excited and solicitous about the baby that he naturally thinks is his, until Jan has to admit that he's not the father. She insists she didn't cheat on him; she went to a sperm bank. "I need to make this one count," she THs after breaking the news to him. As they say goodbye, Jan invites him to her Lamaze class the day, but he demurs. Afterwards, he THs that he always knew two things: he loves sex, and he wants to have kids. Which he thought was a decent combo, but now he's thinking it might have to be one or the other. Yes, a lot of parents discover that for the first year or so as well.
Back at the party, it's gotten dark and the fireworks have begun. Pam and Jim snuggle in lawn chairs. Dwight and Kevin applaud together. Phyllis and Bob Vance from Vance Refrigeration kiss. Poor, single Toby just shrugs at us over his beer bottle. Angela warns Phyllis that this is the last party she'll ever plan. Is this feud going to pay off, ever? Jim eases that ring box out of his jacket pocket, and says to Pam, "Hey." And suddenly Andy makes his first appearance of the episode, hijacking the microphone and stopping the band. Oh, by the way, his parents are here. He's got something to say to Angela, and won't be discouraged by her head-shaking scowls. Which, I guess if he ever was discouraged by that, their relationship wouldn't have lasted this long anyway. He leaves the stage, pulling Darryl's synth off its stand. Yeah, Andy's proposing to Angela. And her answer? "Okay," she whispers. "And the crowd goes wild!" Andy celebrates, to a smattering of applause. Dwight, naturally, is devastated. Jim eases that ring box right back into his pocket. That'll learn Pam to shoot her mouth off to the cameras about perfect timing.
Andy once again proves himself the anti-Jim as he THs that he's been carrying that ring around for six years, because you never know when you're going to meet the right girl and have the right moment. A subdued Dwight tells us, "Well, it's my own fault." Wait, did he just acknowledge the unacknowledged?
Andy runs up to Jim and Pam and excitedly Tunas about being engaged and becoming "Mister Andy Bernard." And Toby reminds Pam about the picture of the two of them. Meredith snaps it, but can't seem to get a decent smile out of Pam. Yeah, she really thought Jim was going to propose. Well, what do you think happened there, Pam? Toby tells Meredith to keep shooting as long as she wants.
Holly meets a returning Michael, breaks the news about Andy proposing to "one of your accountants" and asks him out for dessert, although he doesn't realize that's what's happening. The one time in his life he's too distracted to delude himself that an attractive woman is interested in him, he doesn't even have to delude himself, and he still whiffs. Kevin steps up to take Michael's place: "We can go eat pie," he grins at her. Holly walks off with Kevin, wondering what just happened there. Oh, Holly, if the worst thing that ever happens to you at this job is not getting to go out with Michael, you're in good shape. She THs that it was a good day, and then excuses herself to buckle Kevin's seatbelt.
Toby flips through all his PB&T pictures on his new digital camera when Michael shows up to have the security guard escort Toby out. You know, so he doesn't "take something." Which is why it's ironic when an alarm beeps on Toby's wrist. "Okay," Michael breezes, rather than saying it means ten minutes to Wapner. With the Ferris wheel still turning and blinking and visible through his office window, Michael leaves Jan a message saying he'll go to her Lamaze class tomorrow after all, and would be happy to have details: "Like what exactly Lamaze is." He hangs up and informs us, "I'm going to be...kind of a daddy." Yeah, that's going to be...kind of a nightmare.
In the tag, the parking lot/carnival is dark, as Phyllis rides the elevator upstairs and compares party planning to a "runner's high." She enters the office, which is dark, but not empty: over in Accounting, Angela's having sex with someone whose back is to Phyllis, and the camera. Angela smacks her partner on his bare shoulder, and he turns -- it's Dwight. Wow, it's like the end of "Casino Night" in Bizarro World!
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.